Late Night Snark: Dems Rock, Repubs Suck Edition

Clip of President Biden at Wisconsin town hall: By the end of July we'll have 600-million doses, enough to vaccinate every American. As my mother would say, by the grace of God and the goodwill of the neighbors, we'll be in a very different place by Christmas than we are today.

Trevor Noah: Wow. Who would've seen this coming? After all that talk from Trump, it turns out Biden is the one who’s gonna have people saying 'Merry Christmas' again. —The Daily Show

"Texas has been hit especially hard because of the cold, which puts the Republicans who run the state in a tough spot, because they did a lot of mocking of California when our power went out. So now the governor, Greg Abbott, has been working hard to push the blame to Democrats and the Green New Deal, which doesn’t even exist yet. And Tucker Carlson has been helping him out by blaming windmills. But the reason for the blackouts is frozen instruments at coal, natural gas, and nuclear facilities. Windmills are actually holding up disproportionately well by comparison. So don’t believe anything Con Quixote says." —Jimmy Kimmel

Continued…

See? I told you it was continued. But did you believe me? Nooooooo...

"[Trump's] impeachment highlights a fundamental tenet of our legal system. All Americans, regardless of status, are entitled to a speedy trial by a jury of your cowardly partisan sycophants and henchmen. —Jon Stewart on Twitter

"This has to be the dumbest trial I've ever seen. Here's how dumb it was: the jurors deciding the case were the ones who were attacked by the defendant. The trial took place at the scene of the crime. And then afterward one of the jurors [Mitch McConnell] who voted to acquit Trump ran out and said, 'Someone's gotta prosecute this guy! He did it! This man belongs in jail!' I feel bad for Pence—43 of his work friends were like, 'C'mon, Mike, they only tried to hang you, stop being such a drama queen." —Colin Jost, SNL

"During Trump's impeachment trial, House managers showed security footage of Capitol rioters violently attacking police. Here's a little black history for you: just because there's video evidence doesn’t mean you're going to get a conviction." —Michael Che

The first images sent back to Earth from the Mars Perseverance rover! pic.twitter.com/mjqJETjPye

— Jimmy Kimmel Live (@JimmyKimmelLive) February 19, 2021

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“Tucker Carlson said Joe and Jill Biden's marriage is ‘as real as climate change.’ Because it's been around since the Carter administration, and it's only getting hotter?” —Stephen Colbert

"Rush Limbaugh has died at the age of 70. The death of the staunchly-conservative defender of Republican family values was announced today by his fourth wife." —Me

And now, our feature presentation...

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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, February 19, 2021

Note: Tomorrow is National Handcuff Day. It’s a timely reminder that no member of the Trump family will ever find themselves in cuffs. Because only medieval stocks will do.

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By the Numbers:

Days 'til National Sticky Bun Day: 2

Joe Biden's approval rating in the latest NBC News poll: 62%

Percent of Americans polled by Gallup who say the COVID-19 situation is getting worse, down from 63%: 39%

Amount included in the Democratic Covid relief bill for FEMA: $50 billion

Increase in retail sales last month, led by vehicles and clothing and, obviously, Joe Biden's swearing-in: 5.3%

Year Ford plans to go all-electric in Europe: 2030

Rank of desserts/sweets, soda, and fast food/dining out, respectively, among the things people are giving up for Lent, according to a YouGov poll: #1, #2, #3

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Tis the season…

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CHEERS to making America functional again. The extremely popular Biden administration is making progress on so many fronts at once, the full list would delete my daily allotment of pixels. Tomorrow marks his first month in office, and we've gotten a taste of Joe's trademarks: quiet, teamwork-based competence punctuated by equal parts unvarnished realism over the challenges we face and optimism about our ability to overcome them. Recently Politico did a piece on 46's leadership style, and I must've sighed with relief a hundred times while reading it:

Biden fills his day with policy memos, virtual meetings with outside experts and, of course, visiting staff around the building. […] Each day, Biden holds an intelligence briefing, receives a coronavirus update and reads a daily briefing book, which includes schedules, policy memos and intelligence briefs about the next day, according to the White House official.

“He likes a concise and thorough briefing paper that clarifies what are the competing concerns, backgrounds, who are the stakeholders, what are the precedents, what are the consequences, and then discussing with core advisers and then debating it with outside experts,” [Sen. Chris] Coons said. “He learns at the intersections of reading and debating.” […]

Biden is also talking regularly with governors, mayors and local elected officials to seek “input about how things are going on the ground," according to a White House official. Last Wednesday, for example, he called Alabama Gov. Kay Ivey, a Republican. … “He likes to talk to people," a former aide said. "He’s the classic definition of extrovert. He likes to feed off other people and likes to win over rooms and people with his thinking and logic and policies and proposals and so part of the way you do that is you give feedback and get feedback by talking to people.”

 [Sigh] Make that a hundred and one.

CHEERS to sticking the landing. It's not every day you get to shout, "Mars, bitches!" and mean it literally. Or, as Nicolle Wallace said on my teevee: "We are watching a triumph of the human quest for knowledge and understanding." Damn right. How cool to see NASA's scientists and engineers erupt in rational exuberance yesterday afternoon upon learning the Mars rover Perseverance touched down on the Red Planet safe and sound after its "7 minutes of terror." (An investigation is underway into how that horrifying clip of Mike Pence singing 99 Bottles of Non-Alcoholic Beer on the Wall in the shower got embedded on the rover's hard drive.)  I will never fail to turn into a blubbering mess when the control room erupts like this after hearing the magic words…..

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The first photos have already come back. So far they reveal dust, rocks and, not surprisingly, a P.O. box serving as an offshore tax shelter for Jared and Ivanka.

"CHEERS!" to fixing the worst domestic mistake in American history. On February 20, 1933, Congress proposed the 21st Amendment, which would repeal the 18th (also known as "that no-good stinkin' prohibition"). Once it was adopted, the booze again flowed free and unfettered. C&J will be performing a historical reenactment of that moment in our living room around 9 tomorrow morning.  Same as we do the other 364 days of the year.

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JEERS to really bad ideas from really good presidents.  On February 19, 1942, President Roosevelt signed the order that would lead to the "relocation" (read: forced detention) of Japanese Americans and Japanese nationals living here.  How do we know it was a really, really bad decision?  Because nutcase Michelle Malkin thinks it was a really, really good decision.  Case closed.

JEERS to Rush Limbaugh. He died, and that's all I plan to say except to break this C&J exclusive: his accomplishments were so prolific that we’ve been told he's getting some very special treatment in the afterlife. Since he was such a well-rounded racist-bigot-misogynist-homophobe-xenophobe-hypocrite-glutton-hater, he'll spend eternity being rotated through all the circles of hell.

CHEERS to home vegetation. A quick rundown of what may show up on our TVs this weekend. Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow have the latest on “Greg Abbott's Katrina” and the pandemic. Or, if you're news'ed out, you can watch a pitch for "high heels that are sexy and comfortable" on Shark Tank (ABC) or catch a new Whose Line on The CW.

The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. (Topping my list: Disney’s superhero-squirrel flick Flora and Ulysses, which gets 71% Fresh rating. “And the Oscar goes to...”) The NHL schedule is here and the NBA schedule is here. Or there's the Los Angeles Open golf tourney (I refuse to call it by its current corporate-sponsored name, so sue me) on CBS.  Rege-Jean Page (whose pecs are the breakout stars of Netflix's Bridgerton) hosts SNL. On 60 Minutes: the team assembles evidence of Syrian dictator Bashar Assad's crimes against humanity (read: his own people), and a report on the rise in Trump cultists’ threats against U.S. judges. And John Oliver, whose piece on pandemics of the future was so great last week, breaks down another pressing issue into bite-chunks Sunday night at 11 on Last Week Tonight.

Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:

Meet the Press: Dr. Anthony Fauci; former member of Congress Will Hurd (The Cult-TX).

This Week: White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki; Rep. Steve Scalise (The Cult-LA).

Face the Nation: Fort Worth Mayor Betsy Price; Houston Mayor Sylvester Turner; National Security Adviser Jake Sullivan; former Deputy National Security Adviser Matt Pottinger.

CNN's State of the Union: Rep. Pramila Jayapal (D-WA); Dr. Anthony Fauci; Rep. Michael McCaul (The Cult-TX); Gov. Asa Hutchinson (The Cult-AR).  

Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Dr. Anthony Fauci on the pandemic and Bill Gates on climate change, which should outrage viewers since both topics are hoaxes in nutty Fox World.

 Happy viewing!

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Ten years ago in C&J: February 19, 2011

TWENTY HAIL MARYS to tracking your transgressions.  Did you hear about the new Catholic iPhone app?  It's designed to let you neatly and tidily keep track of all the times you've acted like a total rule-breaking jerkwad in front of God, so that when you go to confession you won't forget any of the sordid details of your sinful, sinful ways.  Oh, and this is nice: for every ten sins you commit, you get one free.  Oops, no, wait…sorry 'bout that.  I'm being told that only applies to priests.

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And just one more…

CHEERS to evening calisthenics. This happened eight years ago this weekend, as First Lady Michelle Obama was promoting her “Let’s Move” initiative to get We The People (especially kids) off our asses. This sketch with Jimmy Fallon—The Evolution of Mom Dancing—racked up over 27 million views. It’s too great to let it fall into the cracks of history, so enjoy this encore…

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Top that, Jill.

Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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A Few Words From the February Birthday Table

"It was immigration that taught us it does not matter where you came from, or who your parents were. What counts is who you are." —Congresswoman Barbara Jordan

"I have said this before, and I will say it again: the vote is precious. It is almost sacred. It is the most powerful non-violent tool we have in a democracy." —Congressman John Lewis

“If the misery of our poor be caused not by the laws of nature, but by our institutions, great is our sin.” —Charles Darwin

Continued...

"To me, the most important part of winning is joy. You can win without joy, but winning that’s joyless is like eating in a four-star restaurant when you’re not hungry. Joy is a current of energy in your body, like chlorophyll or sunlight, that fills you up and makes you naturally want to do your best." —Bill Russell

"The legitimate object of government is to do for a community of people whatever they need to have done, but can not do at all, or can not so well do, for themselves, in their separate, and individual capacities." —President Lincoln

"The life of a nation is secure only while the nation is honest, truthful, and virtuous." —Frederick Douglass

"Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart." —Erma Bombeck

"Guys, is this inauguration speech running too long? No? You sure? We're cool? Great. As I was saying…" —President William Henry Harrison

And the classic:

“You don’t need no gun control. You know what you need? We need some bullet control. That’s right—I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars. Five thousand dollars per bullet. You know why? Cuz if a bullet costs five thousand dollars, there would be no more innocent bystanders.” —Chris Rock

If you’re marking another year around the sun this month, Happy Birthday...and many blessings on your camels. And now, our feature presentation...

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Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, February 17, 2021

Note: In what may be the most notable metaphor of 2021, Trump’s Atlantic City Casino is getting imploded at 9am. You can watch it here. I know I will.

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By the Numbers:

Days 'til Cherry Pie Day: 3

Number of congressional seats that Arizona, Colorado, Montana, North Carolina, and Oregon are each expected to pick up as a result of the 2020 Census: 1

Number of Americans represented by the Senators who voted to convict the 45th president on the charge of inciting an insurrection: 202 million

Number represented by the senators who voted to acquit him: 125 million

Patients who have been hospitalized with the flu since October, compared to 400,000 last season: 165

President Biden's typical workday hours at the White House: 9am-7pm

Number of presidents who worked for the U.S. Postal Service: 2 (McKinley, Lincoln)

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Mid-week Rapture Index: 187 (including 3 tribulation temples and 1 year of bad calls by right-wing Christian prophets).  Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.

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Puppy Pic of the Day: There's snow time like the present…

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CHEERS to meteorological musings.  Back in 1998 Maine got walloped with a huge ice storm; it took years to recover from it, and even today you can see "ampu-trees" that bear the scars. Yesterday we were reminded of it when we got hit with a mild version of it that thankfully melted off pretty fast. So we can sympathize with the folks in the south who have been taking the brunt of nature's wrath with a once-a-generation visit from Mr. Freeze. But Texas utilities, you need to stick a crowbar in all y'alls wallets and get your shit together:

Equipment literally froze in the single digit temperatures and stopped working.

Then, as reserves diminished, ERCOT asked transmission providers to turn off large industrial users that had previously agreed to be shut down. But the situation deteriorated quickly, requiring rotating outages that have lasted hours for many Texans.

Electric generating plants did not properly winterize their equipment, said Dr. David Tuttle in the latest episode of the Y’all-itics political podcast. Tuttle is a research associate with the Energy Institute at the University of Texas at Austin. "There are things that can be done, but it will cost some money," he added. "About every decade we have these long-sustained periods. And then, you know weatherization is supposed to happen, and then, it doesn't because it costs money."

It's bad enough that the utilities failed their customers and put millions of citizens in potentially life-threatening situations. But even worse, now Texas Republicans can't stand on the sidelines and snicker at the haplessness of archrival California's wildfire-causing utilities. Congratulations—you just all-hat-and-no-cattled yourself in the foot.

CHEERS to making the world safe again for rugrats. Is our children learnin'? They are now, thanks to overdue CDC guidelines for opening schools that both the Biden administration and teachers unions (who appropriately applaud the expulsion of the previous administration) have agreed to:

“Today, the CDC met fear of the pandemic with facts and evidence,” said Randi Weingarten, president of the American Federation of Teachers, in a statement. “For the first time since the start of this pandemic, we have a rigorous road map, based on science, that our members can use to fight for a safe reopening." […]

"Of course, this set of safeguards should have been done 10 months ago,” said Weingarten, adding that the AFT released recommendations in April similar to those in the CDC plan. “Instead, the previous administration meddled with the facts and stoked mass chaos and confusion.”

Becky Pringle, president of the National Education Association, the nation’s largest teachers union, called the roadmap “a good first step.”

The plan includes guidelines for hand washing, social distancing, masks, and vaccinations. Also: all purple nurples must be given using extendo-clamps, and all swirlies may only be administered in toilets with automatic flushers.

CHEERS to today's edition of "Me, That’s Who!!!"  In its coverage of President Biden's plans for boosting the economic recovery and creating jobs, CNBC quotes this quizzical wunderkind who rakes in the big bucks for his precision analysis: 

“It’s quite remarkable that [President Biden] is facing an historic economic downturn in the same way that President Obama did,” said Bankrate senior economic analyst Mark Hamrick.

“Who could have imagined that would have been the case over a year ago?”

This has been today's edition of "Me, That’s Who!!!"

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JEERS to premature check-outs. Sad news today from the world of hoteliering. Marriott CEO Arne Sorenson has died. As with Alex Trebek and Congressman John Lewis, it was pancreatic cancer. He was only 62. He'll be buried with a mint on his pillow. One side of his headstone will say "Do Not Disturb" and the other will say "Maid Service, Please."

CHEERS to legal libations.  On this date in 1933, the U.S. Senate passed the Blaine Act, which effectively ended prohibition.  Who says Christmas comes in December?

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Ten years ago in C&J: February 17, 2011

OMG! to hell freezing over and pigs flying!  A bank—JPMorgan Chase—has done what no other megabank has ever done in the history of the universe with the sole exception of that one time during Jupiter's Olthblark era: they said they were sorry:

JPMorgan Chase & Co. on Tuesday announced new programs geared toward military customers and veterans, and apologized for overcharging thousands of active-duty service members on mortgages and improperly foreclosing on more than a dozen. … "We deeply apologize to our military customers and their families for these mistakes."

As for their non-military customers, bank officials say they can still go screw themselves.

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And just one more…

CHEERS to U.S. Mint-y freshness. Sadly, the state quarters collections—both the original series started in 1999 and the "America the Beautiful" collection honoring our national parks—have run their course. The last in the series, honoring the Alabama stomping grounds of the Tuskegee Airmen, was released last month. But that doesn’t mean we have to stop checking out the new arrivals from the Mint. The latest is literally one of a kind. Last week Congress unanimously approved the Congressional Gold Medal for Capitol Police Officer Eugene Goodman, who…

"…put his own life on the line and successfully, single-handedly leading insurrectionists away from the floor of the Senate Chamber.

Officer Eugene Goodman performed his duty to protect the Congress with distinction, and by his actions, Officer Goodman left an indelible mark on American history."

Since 1776, when George Washington received the first one, the medal has served as "Congress's highest expression of national appreciation for distinguished achievements and contributions by individuals or institutions." And unlike other medals and coins produced by the U.S. Mint, each CGM is unique to that person or organization. Here's how the medal was made for ALS-awareness advocate for former NFL player Steve Gleason:

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Best part about winning your own official Congressional Gold Medal besides knowing that your country is grateful for your contribution to society? Unlimited turns of the crank in the Rotunda at the official Congressional Gold Medal gumball machine.

Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

"If you’re all about immersing yourself in a futuristic, apocalyptic, grimy-lived-in world, then sit back and soak in the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool full of Bill in Portland Maine's candy corn. Go in expecting something that isn’t empty-headed in ways that make its escapism tedious and you’ll be disappointed."

—Roger Moore

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Dear Texas,

We hear you've been hit by a once-in-a-generation snow and ice storm accompanied by Arctic-like temperatures, causing major power outages, accidents, shutdowns across the state, and life-threatening winter havoc not experienced in your back yards for decades. We also understand you're appealing to the federal government, which pools money from all the states to help in situations like this, to give you a big, Texas-sized emergency bailout.

We regret to inform you that we can't fulfill your request. As a red state, it's your job to show the rest of the country how rugged individualism—pulling yourselves up by your bootstraps, as you say—is more effective than collective teamwork. Plus God told us it was His punishment on you for coddling your America-hating televangelists, anti-maskers, and gun nuts. But, at the end of the day, it's really all about deficits, you know? We just can't afford your Big Government request to dig us into an even bigger fiscal hole. We're sure you understand.

Sincerely,

No Democratic Leader Ever

And now, our feature presentation...

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Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, February 16, 2021

Note: Today’s note is in a minor key today. I'm feeling villainous.

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By the Numbers:

Days 'til full-team spring training starts for most Major League teams: 6

Percent approval of President Biden in the latest CNBC survey: 62%

Percent chance that British PM Boris Johnson told CBS News he finds the Biden administration's performance so far "highly encouraging": 100%

Estimated number of Americans who have received their first Covid-19 vaccine shot: 50 million

Lithuanians polled by Gallup who have a favorable opinion of Russia's leadership: 9%

First-time jobless claims last week, down 19,000 from the previous week: 793,000

Percent of Americans polled by Gallup in 1939 who approved of First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt's resignation from Daughters of the American Revolution because they wouldn't allow Black opera singer Marian Anderson to perform in their building (Roosevelt invited Anderson to sing at the Lincoln memorial instead): 57%

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Tuesday Snoozeday…

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CHEERS to Captain Git'erdone. The endorphin rush of solo achievements by the Executive Branch continues, with too many Biden administration rollbacks and move-forwards to count, but here's a sample:

✔ Is running ahead of schedule on his pledge of 100-million Covid vaccinations in 100 days (50 million given as of day 27) as new cases drop big-time

✔ The CDC is back up and running, and Healthcare.gov is open again for a special 3-month period of Obamacare enrollment for those who need it

✔ Rolled back the ban on transgender enlistments in the military and restored protections against LGBTQ discrimination at HUD

✔ Swept away work requirements for Medicaid recipients

✔ On the third anniversary of the Parkland student massacre, called for "requiring background checks on all gun sales, banning assault weapons and high-capacity magazines, and eliminating immunity for gun manufacturers who knowingly put weapons of war on our streets”

✔ Is planning to go all FDR on America's ass when it comes to Jobs Jobs Jobs

✔ Is actively rebuilding our relationship with NATO

In addition to all that, President Biden also found time over the weekend to defeat granddaughter Naomi in a few laps of Mario Kart at Camp David. Take note, Kim Jong Un—there's a new sheriff in town.

CHEERS to losing your magic armor. Well, well, well. The impeachment trial—a "political" act—ended with the most bipartisan vote to convict in history (though short of the 67 needed). And with the final whack of the adjournment gavel, President Biden's predecessor now sits alone at Mar-A-Lago, surrounded by a dwindling number of devoted oddball members, the pervasive smell of bleach, and the knowledge that now all of his future trials will be the "criminal" kind:

Now a private citizen, Trump is stripped of his protection from legal liability that the presidency gave him. […]

Atlanta prosecutors have recently opened a criminal investigation into Trump’s attempts to overturn his election loss in Georgia, including a Jan. 2 phone call in which he urged that state’s secretary of state, Brad Raffensperger, to “find” enough votes to reverse Biden’s narrow victory.

And Manhattan District Attorney Cyrus R. Vance Jr., is in the midst of an 18-month criminal grand jury investigation focusing in part on hush-money payments paid to women on Trump’s behalf [after he cheated on his wife with them], and whether Trump or his businesses manipulated the value of assets—inflating them in some cases and minimizing them in others—to gain favorable loan terms and tax benefits.

Two words for a weary nation in need of a guilty verdict or three: Tick tock.

CHEERS to Mardi Gras!  Nothing but virtual decadence and gluttony on the schedule today as Americans celebrate the religious observance of, um, decadence and gluttony.  (I'm a bit behind in my Bible studies—half a century to be precise.)  As I understand it, if I display some boobs you'll throw me some beads.  Right?  Okay then, check out these babies:

I'd like my beads to be made out of trillion-dollar platinum coins, please.

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CHEERS to sports shorts. The Jacksonville Jaguars have just hired Chris Doyle as their new director of sports performance, and in other news Chris Doyle has just resigned as the Jacksonville Jaguars' new director of sports performance. Film at 11. Blink and you'll miss it.

CHEERS to the last useful thing the Vatican ever did.  On this date in 600, Pope Gregory the Great decreed that "God Bless You" would become the religiously correct response to a sneeze.  Mostly because the old response—"Oh, hey, that sounds bubonic"—was scaring off the faithful.

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Ten years ago in C&J: February 16, 2011

JEERS to South Dakohmygod.  Hey, Canada!  Ya wanna take South Dakota off our hands for cheap?  It's a lovely place.  The only caveat: you have to take the idiots who are proposing a bill legalizing the shooting of abortion providers.  We'll haul it up there for ya on a flatbed.  You can squeeze it in between Manitoba and Saskatchewan.  Trust us—there'll never be a dull moment when they move in.  Disclaimer: Mount Rushmore not included.  But we'll throw in the Phelps family from Kansas at no extra charge.

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And just one more…

CHEERS to ancient suds. Every day for 56 years I've made it a point to open my laptop and Google "Ancient Egyptian Beer Factory" hoping that one day—one day!—my quest would lead me to a positive search result.  I'd almost given up when, Sunday morning, my persistence was rewarded. Hot damn, they found one…

Archaeologists have discovered a massive 5,000-year-old brewery in the ancient Egyptian city of Abydos, according to Egypt's Ministry of Tourism and Antiquities.

The brewery was located in Egypt's Sohag Governorate, and likely dates back to the reign of King Narmer, around 3100 BC, the ministry said in a statement on Saturday—making this the oldest brewery found in Abydos. […]

The brewery could have been producing as much as 22,400 liters (about 5,900 gallons) of beer at a time, [mission co-leader Dr. Matthew Adams of New York University] said.

While they were in production mode, the ancient brewers really had to hops to it to. But considering they were working on behalf of the king, it was the yeast they could do.

Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

“The devil is a saint when compared to Bill in Portland Maine.”

—“A Long-time Trump Adviser”

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Presidents' Day Happy Fun Quiz

Woohoo! I've got my Millard Fillmore tree set up, Andy Williams' classic It's the Most Executive Branchful Time of the Year is playing on the Victrola, and all my coupons are clipped for BIG Pre$ident$' Day $ale-a-bration $aving$ on every mattre$$ in the $tore! Here's your annual quiz, which you may now complete to the best of your ability. Good luck:

1. Who claimed that God didn’t intend for humans to travel on trains at the "breakneck speed" of 15mph? a) Van Buren  b) Jefferson  c) Washington  d) Buchanan

2. Name the president who liked to take his pet raccoon for walks around the White House grounds: a) J.Q. Adams  b) Garfield  c) Coolidge  d) A. Johnson

3. Who said, "That [George Washington] was not a scholar is certain. That he was too illiterate, unread, unlearned from his station and reputation is equally past dispute"? a) Madison  b) J. Adams  c) Hoover  d) Hayes

Continued on page 46...

4. Who was attacked during his campaign for not drinking enough liquor? a) Garfield  b) Truman  c) Arthur  d) Polk

5. Whose high school football coach called him "one of the best pass receivers I had in 16 years as a coach"? a) Kennedy  b) Ford  c) Biden  d) L. Johnson

6. Who said of himself, "I always figured the American public wanted a solemn ass for president, so I went along with them"? a) Monroe  b) Coolidge  c) B. Harrison  d) Tyler

7. This president said, "Soup is bipartisan. We can all agree on soup." a) George H.W. Bush  b) Cleveland   c) Nixon  d) Obama

8. Whose chief of staff was upset to find that his boss hadn’t opened a critical briefing the night before because "The Sound of Music was on"? a) Reagan  b) George W. Bush  c) Clinton   d) Kennedy

9. Who was ranked by the American people as the worst president in U.S. history in the latest YouGov poll? a) Buchanan  b) Harding  c) Trump  d) Pierce

10. Twelve instruments—including four acoustic guitars, two ukuleles, and two mandolins—were made as part of a "legacy collection" using wood from this president's own Paulownia trees: a) Eisenhower  b) McKinley  c) Carter  d) Jackson

ANSWERS: 1) a  2) c  3) b  4) d  5) c  6) b  7) d  8) a  9) c  10) c

SCORING: 10 = You're presidential material!  0-9 = Mistakes were made.

And now, our feature presentation...

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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, February 15, 2021

Note: Due to the Presidents' Day holiday, C&J will appear as scheduled. We regret the inconvenience.  —Mgt.

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By the Numbers:

Days 'til the Mars probe Perseverance lands: 3

Percent approval for President Biden in the latest Ipsos poll: 57%

Percent of the country that'll need to be vaccinated before stringent Covid-prevention measures can be scaled back, according to Dr. Anthony Fauci: 75-80%

Rank of NV (60%), RI (45%), CO (44%), NM (44%), and ME (43%) among states with the highest share of women legislators: #1-5

Rank of LA (18%), SC (18%), MS (17%), TN (17%), and WY (16%) among states with the lowest share of women legislators: #46-50

Number of presidents born before the U.S. became a country: 8

Number of presidents who fought in the Civil War, all for the Union: 7

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Puppy Pic of the Day: This mob needs better hitmen...

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JEERS to pulling your punches. When word came down from CNN Friday night that Republican witnesses could personally attest that President Trump deliberately sat on his hands during the January 6 Capitol insurrection, it was quite a bombshell. (Even Rachel Maddow was like, ”Whaaa…???”) On Saturday morning, when a 55-46 vote formally green-lit the deposition of those witnesses, who would tell the chamber that Trump's actions literally put the assembled House and Senate leaders—and also his Vice President—in mortal danger, it seemed like a gift from the gods. Instead, I think you can guess what happened next:

That momentary glow on the horizon wasn’t a sunrise after all. Just a candle that’s already blown out.

Democrats folded after winning the vote to have witnesses. When Republicans held the majority last year, they took every possible step to help Trump evade justice. This year, after the tireless work of millions put Democrats in charge … they still would not call a witness.

The Senate, you see, wanted to get to work immediately on President Biden's agenda. So the witness thing was scuttled, the vote to convict was 57-43 (all Dems plus 7 GOPers), Trump is free to run for office again, and now the Senate can get to work immediately on—[checks notes]—a week-long vacation. And our republic lived shakily ever after. The End.

CHEERS to an opposing viewpoint. No one will remember or care about what happened at the last minute, even if it was clumsy, chaotic and confusing. So now that the “political” trial is done, it’s time let fly the criminal charges. Where shall we start: the tax fraud, real estate fraud, bank fraud, election fraud, the porn-star hush money, attempted rape, or the insurrection? Somebody spin the wheel.

JEERS to that thing that's still with us over a year later. With one week before we start to see the results of the "Super Bowl Party Bump," let's check in and see how the Covid-19 pandemic numbers are doing. Worldwide there are now over 109 million cases—over a quarter of them in the U.S.  Here are this week's domestic numbers for the C&J historical record, courtesy of the most depressing tote board in the world, as our death toll now exceeds the population of America’s 38th-largest city Kansas City, Missouri:

6 months ago: 5.5 million confirmed cases. 173,000 deaths.

3 months ago: 11 million confirmed cases. 251,000 deaths

1 month ago: 25 million confirmed cases. 407,000 deaths

This morning: 28 million confirmed cases. 496,000 deaths

But given that we're now living under the stable leadership of Democratic President Joseph R. Biden, there's really good news: the president just secured a deal for 200 more million vaccine doses, meaning we could wrap this thing up before the first leaves of autumn start falling. If you're wondering how he pulled that off, it's pretty simple: he read all the how-to tips in The Art of the Deal and then did the exact opposite.

CHEERS to previews of coming attractions. As mentioned up top in “By the Numbers,” glorious United States Space Probe of Superior Victory for Homeland Perseverance will be landing on Mars this week. At the same time, glorious Peoples’ Republic of China Space Probe of Superior Victory for Homeland Tianwen-1 is making its own bit of history as it establishes orbit around the Red Planet. Here’s the dramatic footage released Friday of the big event taking place 295,000,000 miles away:

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Not bad, China. Not bad. But in three days don’t be surprised if you hear NASA utter the immortal words of Confucius: “Hold my beer.”

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JEERS to the preparing for The Apostrolypse.  To help solve the mystery of how, exactly, one punctuates today's holiday, over the weekend I performed my annual ritual of consulting the blizzard of ads appearing in The Portland (Maine) Press Herald and online to get some clarity.  This year's batch:

Tempur-pedic: Presidents Day

LaZBoy: Presidents Day and President's Day

8Sleep.com: Presidents Day

Hannaford Supermarkets: Presidents' Day

Hub Furniture: Presidents Day

Amazon.com: President's Day

Home Depot: Presidents' Day

Bed, Bath & Beyond: Presidents' Day and Presidents Day

Overstock.com: Presidents Day

USA Today: Presidents Day and Presidents' Day

Press Herald Auto Section: Presidents Day

Appliances Connection: President's Day

Staples: Presidents' Day

MattressFirm: Presidents Day

Macy's: Presidents' Day and Presidents Day

Our 2021 “12 Months of Squirrels” Wall Calendar: President's Day

We trust this clears up any confusion for at least another year.

JEERS to incivility.  On this date in 1798, the House of Representatives was the site of the first congressional brawl, when much knocking of noggins occurred after a hurling of insults followed by Rep. Matthew Lyon (Democratic-Republican-VT) spitting in the face of Roger Griswold (Federalist-CT). Among the weapons that were wielded: fireplace tongs. Based on his expression, the guy recording the minutes just got tonged in the crotch...

And if you look in the lower left corner, you’ll see a dog is present in the chamber. That would be Thaddeus T. Woofington from the great state of New York. He only lasted one term. Once he got tax cuts for the Wilson company passed, he spent the rest of his life working a cushy job at a pro-tennis-ball think tank.

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Ten years ago in C&J: February 15, 2011

JEERS to queries that make me queasy. Talk about railroading your viewers! A CNN reporter yesterday looked in the camera and asked her viewers to go to her site and answer the question: "What would it take to convince Americans to cut Social Security and Medicare?" What???  Talk about injecting your own personal bias into a question. Might as well ask, "What would it take to convince Americans to live their senior years in poverty and treat their cancer with gumdrops?" Gee, what would it would take to convince Americans to get your ass fired, anchor lady? More poll questions like that one, I expect.

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And just one more…

CHEERS to hole foods. Now that our 45th president and his cabinet of villains is long gone, we can slowly get back to the important issues that got swept aside for things like kids in cages, the attempted destruction of our health care system, and a lunatic having possession of the nuclear codes. Topping the list: America's best doughnuts. USA Today is on it:

The Dutch brought an ancestor of the modern doughnut to America in the early 19th century, in the form of deep-fried dough balls called olykoeks (literally "oily cakes"). A sailor named Hanson Crockett Gregory is credited with first putting holes in the oily cakes, either to avoid leaving a raw doughy middle when they cooked or so that he could store them on the spokes of his ship's wheel for convenient snacking. […]

There are said to be more than 13,000 doughnut shops in the U.S. currently, counting both chains and independents. … According to Yelp, Boston is the per capita doughnut shop capital of America, with one such place for every 2,400 inhabitants. But every state has plenty of doughnut shops of its own, and 24/7 Tempo has compiled a list of the best example in every state, concentrating on independents and small chains.

You can find your state's top doughnut joint here. My partner Michael can confirm under oath that The Holy Donut, dangerously located less than a mile from C&J HQ, is the best donut hole-in-the-wall in Maine. Their secret ingredient: mashed potatoes, which "gives the donuts a delicious moist texture that makes them just melt in your mouth." Hey, want to secure your reelection in a landslide, Joe? Include a guaranteed monthly income to every American of one box of doughnuts. (I'll waive my usual consulting fee—I just want what's best for America. Which is doughnuts.)

Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

"So let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is getting stuck in an elevator with Bill in Portland.  I mean, amiright, people?  Amiright???"

—Franklin Roosevelt, a President

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B’Bye to Fox’s #1 Crazy Uncle in the Attic

Objectivity, thy name was...never this guy’s:

Good luck to his replacement, Mr.—[checks notes]—Rabid Hyena with Mange.

Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, February 11, 2021

Note: This is a friendly reminder that February is officially designated Bird Feeding Month. Please remember to fill your bird feeders all the way to the top every day with a fine assortment of nuts and seeds. Especially cashews and almonds. In fact, you can skip the seeds, actually. Nuts would be perfect. Thank you for your attention in this matter. In fact, you should go fill it right now. Go, bird feeders, you rock!  —The Squirrels

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By the Numbers:

Days 'til the federal health exchange re-opens for people who need coverage via Healthcare.gov: 4

Joe Biden's approval rating in FiveThirtyEight's daily tracking poll: 54.5%

Minimum number of arrests made so far in 43 states from the Republican insurrection at the Capitol: 211

Support among Americans polled by CBS News for the Covid relief package Democrats are assembling: 83%

Drop in Covid-19 cases at nursing homes where vaccinations have occurred, according to AP: 48%

Drop in Covid-19 cases at nursing homes where vaccinations have not occurred: 21%

Year Skee-Ball was invented and patented by Joseph Fourestier Simpson: 1908

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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:

What the Europeans are trying to say is not that they think Saddam Hussein is harmless—we've got near-universal agreement that the man is a miserable SOB, including, as near as one can tell, from most Iraqis.

The difference is over how to handle him, and the United States has put itself in the unfortunate position of looking as though we'd rather go to war, unprovoked, than work at a way to de-fang Hussein peacefully.  It is this bellicosity that is so unbecoming to us and so troubling to many of our allies.  Why this disdainful dismissal of a peaceful alternative?

It seems to me quite reasonable that friends might differ over whether Hussein is better handled by invasion or by containment.  Why this should lead directly to our throwing around names likes "Euroweenies" and "EUnuchs" is beyond me. —February, 2003

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Puppy Pic of the Day: One-dog open sleigh…

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CHEERS to Day 2. Wow, what a presentation. The Democratic impeachment managers cracked open a can of cold, fact-based whupass yesterday during their arguments in the second trial of one-term President Donald Trump. It was brutal. Hour after hour of broadsides fired directly at the inciter of the January 6 insurrection, mercilessly raking the sides of his tattered criminal enterprise until they… okay okay, you got me, I didn’t watch any of it except a few minutes at lunch. I'm sorry!!! But if it's any consolation, I did watch this, and I don't care what anybody says that counts the same. Does too! Does too!

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Thursday's agenda brings a bit of hallowed tradition with it. Per the Constitution, Day 3's proceedings must briefly pause at exactly 4:20 so the senators can line up and take a ceremonial hit off Ben Franklin's bong. Moments later, Lindsey Graham will crack his first smile in 20 years.

CHEERS to getting the job done. Meanwhile, over at 1600, the White House is kickin' Covid ahead of schedule:

President Joe Biden is on track to meet his goal of administering 100 million Covid-19 shots in his first100 days in office, White House coronavirus coordinator Jeffrey Zients said Wednesday. […]

"We've been making steady progress over the past few weeks: getting more vaccine supply, getting more vaccinators on the ground and creating more places to get vaccinated. We are on track to meet the president's goal of delivering 100 million shots in his first 100days," Zients said at a Wednesday press briefing.

 Competence has a liberal bias. Who knew, besides all of us?

CHEERS to the guy who really was the brightest bulb in the box.  Happy 174th Birthday—and many blessings on your tungsten filaments—to fellow Ohio native Thomas Edison.  He invented the light bulb, the phonograph, the Snuggie and the ShamWOW! (the last two during his slow descent into madness). Pay your respects here.  Today is also Sarah Palin's birthday—she turns 57. Or as she likes to put it: just another orbit of the sun around the earth.

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CHEERS to caffeine in the clear.  On January 11, 1992, a study said that drinking three cups of coffee a day does not raise the risk of heart disease.  But it does raise your risk of peeing like a racehorse every five minutes.

CHEERS to notes notes. The latest batch of nominees vying for induction in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame was announced yesterday, and they are: 

Mary J. Blige, Kate Bush, Devo, Foo Fighters, the Go-Go’s, Iron Maiden, Jay-Z, Chaka Khan, Carole King, Fela Kuti, LL Cool J, New York Dolls, Rage Against the Machine, Todd Rundgren, Tina Turner, and Dionne Warwick. [...]

Of the nominees, several are first-timers. Foo Fighters and Jay-Z are being recognized in their first year of eligibility, while Blige, the Go-Go’s, Kuti, and Warwick are receiving their inaugural nods.

Due to the ongoing pandemic, the Hall was forced to permanently push back the timeframe of future ceremonies. Starting with the current 2021 class, the nominating and voting process will occur in February and May, respectively, and culminate in a fall ceremony.

The link for online voting is here. As usual, I'll be casting a daily write-in vote for John Williams for his Grammy-winning (not kidding) disco theme from Close Encounters of the Third Kind.  Because, c’mon…won’t we all?

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Ten years ago in C&J: February 11, 2011

CHEERS to 2/11/11.  Freedooooooooom!!!  Happy Liberation Day in Egypt, everybody.  Haven't seen anything like it since the Berlin Wall came down, and what an amazing scene—sheer giddiness.  So what happens now?  Pretty simple, really: just establish a new government that empowers citizens to be the best they can be and find a George Washington-like figure to lead it.  Now, I'm no expert on Egypt, but I'd still like to think my New England common sense makes me qualified to at least suggest a successor to He-Who-Fled.  There's only one person I can think of who possesses a unique combination of patriotism, intellect, likeability, and a proven track record of getting stuff done under tough circumstances (snakes, Nazis, "bad dates").  I hereby nominate…Sallah. Slam dunk, I tell ya.

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And just one more…

JEERS to the Edsel of House committees. True fact: if you're in Washington and you visit the dumpster next to the House parking lot, you'll still see smoke wafting up from the remnants of Trey Gowdy's Benghazi investigation. I think it's worth reminding the world that seven years ago today, the non-scandal that Republicans and Fox News branded "worse than Watergate" jumped the shark:

In a new report released on Tuesday, the House Armed Services Committee concludes that there was no way for the U.S. military to have responded in time to the 2012 terrorist attack in Benghazi, Libya to save the four Americans killed that night.

In doing so, the report debunks entirely a right-wing myth that says the White House ordered the military not to intervene. […]

Fox News cited reports of a stand-down order no fewer than 85 times during prime-time segments as of June 2013. As the new report—which the Republican majority of the committee authored—makes very clear in its findings, however, no such order ever existed.

Today, when he’s not futilely auditioning for a Fox News anchor slot, the only reports Gowdy writes are the employee reviews down at the Pawpatch City Burger King. ("Gary still struggling with fry vat. Will scream harder at him to improve performance.")

Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

Even Alan Dershowitz is stunned by Bill in Portland Maine's Cheers and Jeers: "I have no idea what he's doing."

—Raw Story

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Now That’s What I Call Opining!

Included with every edition of C&J we post is an award-winning poll question that increases blood flow through your neural pathways by an average of 21%. (Source: New England Journal of Medical Articles the New England Journal of Medicine Refuses to Publish, Vol. 54, pp 334-9,976.)  Every now and then we post the results of some of them to give you a snapshot of Daily Kos’s collective brain power which, if we could bottle it, would probably violate several federal, state and local bottling laws. These are some results from last October through January:

»  50 percent of you support a bill proposed by Democrats to limit a Supreme Court justice's term to18 years. 25 percent think it should be shorter than that. Only six percent think they should enjoy lifetime appointments.

»  Among PA, AZ, GA, MI, NV and WI, 43% were happiest about Biden’s Pennsylvania win...37% were happiest about the Wisconsin win...and 8% were happiest about the Michigan win.

»  97 percent of you were not surprised that Lindsey Graham tried to tamper with the Georgia election results by getting legal ballots tossed willy-nilly.

Continued…

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Note about today’s poll: The amounts mentioned are annual, not monthly. C&J regrets the error.

»  Sen. Tammy Duckworth proposed a bill that would ban federal law enforcement from wearing military-style camo uniforms that make them look like U.S. military troops. 99 percent of you support that bill.

»  Astoundingly, only 5 percent of you thought that Trump's closing arguments to women—"I improved dishwasher pressure" and "I won’t listen to the scientists"—would win back their vote.

»  After the election, 34 percent of you said you were most eager to see who President-elect Biden would choose as Education Secretary, while 23 percent said Secretary of State and 19 percent said Secretary of Health and Human Services.

»  59 percent rate Joe Biden's economic team "excellent," while 30% rate it "good." And 97 percent support Joe’s decision to make Dr. Anthony Fauci his chief medical adviser.

»  89 percent believe the period between election day and inauguration day should be shortened. Only 8 percent believe it shouldn't.

»  And one more: 13 percent of Daily Kogs say they had "Louie Gohmert sues Mike Pence in court demanding he overturn the electoral college results to keep Trump in power" on their 2020 Bingo card.

As always, thanks for participating in our C&J polls. If you’re on Weight Watchers, remember that voting counts as 16 cardiovascular workout points.

And now, our feature presentation...

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Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, February 10, 2021

Note: With all the advertising they did, I just don't understand why Frank Peezaschitt's Used Cars folded so quickly. I mean, who wouldn't want a shiny Peezaschitt in their garage?

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By the Numbers:

Days 'til the summer Olympics in Tokyo: 164

Percent of Democrats polled by AP-NORC before the election and this month, respectively, who believed the country is on the right track: 10%, 75%

Annual growth in GDP over the last century under Democratic and Republican presidents, respectively, according to a New York Times analysis: 4.6%, 2.4%

Amount Exxon Mobil lost in 2020: $22 billion

Percent of Americans who believe climate change is either a "problem" or a "crisis": 76%

Amount Kroger is paying its employees to get the Covid-19 vaccine: $100

Percent chance that FDR's is the largest of several portraits President Biden has hanging on the wall in the Oval Office: 100%

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Mid-week Rapture Index: 178 (including 4 incidents of global turmoil and 1 Mark of the Pillow Crackhead Beast).  Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.

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Puppy Pic of the Day: At least the pandemic hasn't affected the animal grooming industry…

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CHEERS to gavels at dawn. (Or, to be more precise: after lunch.) The impeachment trial—the preliminary round, anyway—got going yesterday. If you’re just joining us after a long winter’s nap, former President Donald Trump was impeached by the House last month for “inciting insurrection” at the Capitol building on January 6th, and now we’re at the part where Senate Republicans play Angry Birds on their smartphones until it’s time to vote in favor of a Republican president’s right to send a mob to trash the Capitol and try to destroy our republic. Yesterday’s action was to determine if it was even constitutional to put a former president on trial. House impeachment manager Jamie Raskin (D-MD) provided the highlight, and after he said this they could’ve adjourned for the day:

The vote was 56-44 to proceed. The trial continues today with the presentation of evidence. We’ll see it all: glass smashed, chairs thrown, threats shouted, and desks ransacked. But then Lindsey Graham will be sedated and they can start the presentation of evidence.

CHEERS to Anatomy 101. Wikipedia tells me that the spine is "the defining characteristic of a vertebrate in which the notochord (a flexible rod of uniform composition) found in all chordates has been replaced by a segmented series of bone." And when it comes to pandemic relief and economic stimulus, Democrats have apparently found theirs, at long last:

[I]nstead of entertaining talks to shrink the president's $1.9 trillion proposal, [Democrats] are determined to go big. […]

Rep. Richard Neal, D-Mass., the chair of the Ways and Means Committee and a key figure in crafting the bill, wants to add monthly cash payments totaling $3,600 per year for every child under age 6, or $3,000 for children from 6 to 17. […] For Democrats, the aggressive approach is a sea change after decades of echoing Republicans about the risks of a rising national debt.

Biden's $1.9 trillion package [also] includes $1,400 direct payments and $400-a-week jobless aid, plus vaccine funds, health care subsidies and money for rent, food stamps and public transit. His advisers have circulated surveys showing broad public support, including a recent Quinnipiac poll that showed 68 percent of U.S. adults favor it.

Word of advice: don’t hurt your spine before you've had a chance to even use it. $1.9 trillion is a lot of fiscal weight. Lift with the legs.

CHEERS to the most important day in U.S. history.  On February 10, 1945, the Andrews Sisters hit the top of the charts with 'Rum & Coca Cola.'  Why we don't get today off as a national holiday remains an infuriating mystery.

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CHEERS to dropping in unannounced. Amidst all the excitement over the new Biden-Harris administration, the impeachment trial, and trying to navigate winter without doing a faceplant on an un-shoveled sidewalk, is the imminent landing of the Mars probe Perseverance. The big event happens next Thursday, February 18th, and this time we'll have an even frontier front seat than previous landings:

Innovative cameras and microphones on Perseverance will capture much of its pivotal entry, descent, and landing process. This process, sometimes referred to by space engineers as seven minutes of terror, is considered by many to be the most critical and dangerous part of the mission. […]

A camera mounted on the back shell of the spacecraft is pointed upward. That will record a view of the parachutes deploying as it slows to land. Then, beneath it is a downward-pointing camera on the descent stage, which will film its first touch-contact with the ground on Mars. … Lori Glaze, who heads the Planetary Science Division of NASA’s Science Mission Directorate, told reporters: "We’re going to be able to watch ourselves land for the first time on another planet."

There won’t, however, be a livestream of the footage, as we’re accustomed to with International Space Station events and rocket launches from Earth. The reason for this is due to a lag in data relay from Mars to Earth, which is slower than even old dial-up connections.  …  NASA TV’s live coverage of the event will begin that day at 2:15 p.m. EST (19:15 UTC); landing at approximately 3:55 p.m. EST (20:55 UTC).

As we're waiting for the glorious landing footage, you can watch my dramatic reenactment at approximately 3:56 p.m. next Thursday when I jump off the porch roof, open an umbrella to slow my descent, and then gently land thanks to the suspenders I've hooked from a tree limb to my pants. I'll be sure to post the footage on YouTube once I'm discharged from the ICU.  

CHEERS to a Very Barry Weekend (or...My, How Time Flies). Barack Obama officially announced his candidacy 14 years ago today in front of the old state capitol in Springfield, Illinois: 

"As Lincoln organized the forces arrayed against slavery, he was heard to say this: "Of strange, discordant, and even hostile elements, we gathered from the four winds, and formed and fought to battle through."

That is our purpose here today.

That is why I'm in this race. Not just to hold an office, but to gather with you to transform a nation. I want to win that next battle---for justice and opportunity. I want to win that next battle---for better schools, and better jobs, and better health care for all. I want us to take up the unfinished business of perfecting our union, and building a better America."

And here we are, looking at the improbable two-term Obama presidency in our rear-view mirror.  We'll always be frustrated by the unfinished business that was left on the table, but we'll never forget why: petty, lockstep GOP obstruction (aided by Senate Democrats' failure to deal with it sooner despite knowing exactly what was going on), and a conservative movement that took leave of its senses by displaying a willingness to burn the country down before it would ever let that "foreign" and "lawless" black guy succeed.  And yet, to the right-wing's tooth-grinding chagrin, big black badass Barack Hussein Obama—with many major accomplishments and zero scandals in his plus column—left America stronger and better, and he’ll end up higher on historians' Best Presidents lists than their patron saint Ronald Reagan or that GOP supervillain Cult 45.That's gonna hurt their delicate snowflake fee-fees. A lot, I hope.

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Ten years ago in C&J: February 10, 2011

JEERS to sugarcoated B.S.  Ben Quayle, the son of Dan "Potatoe" Quayle and the guy who ran a political ad saying Barack Obama was the worst president in history, is now a U.S. congressman.  And he's hornin' in on the hot Reagan 100th-birthday legacy action:

When I was a child, President Ronald Reagan was the nice man who gave us jelly beans when we visited the White House.  I didn't know then, but I know it now: The jelly beans were much more than a sweet treat that he gave out as gifts.  They represented the uniqueness and greatness of America—each one different and special in its own way, but collectively they blended in harmony."

Yeah.  Whatever.  Never mind that Reagan kept jelly beans around because he was an ex-smoker and they helped him stay on the wagon.  But Quayle is right, in an accidental way, that we Americans are like jelly beans: we're hard on the outside, soft on the inside and some are so distasteful they make you wanna barf. Hi, Ben!  [2/10/21 Update: The junior Quayle only lasted one term before he got the boot, while Obama cruised to reelection for a second term. Jus' sayin'.]

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And just one more…

JEERS to missing an important member of our national peanut gallery. I was reminded this week that beloved Michigan Congressman John Dingell left us two years ago last Saturday after serving from the 84th Congress (1955) to the 113th (2015). As the impeachment trial rages on, this morning we remember some of the classic post-retirement Twitter taunts John rained down on the 45th president to the delight of, well, everyone:

☺ The American people wait with bated breath as their idiot president announces something he could have done 35 days ago to avoid this national disgrace of a shutdown. The Art of the Deal.

☺ Crooks like Trump will steal a hot stove and come back for the smoke.

☺ Big Macs. Small hands. A nation’s embarrassment.

☺ Is this clown going to cry and yell at us again?

Ho ho ho! Look at our president. Too dumb to know he has toilet paper on his shoe and the world is watching. God save America from a man as foolish as this. pic.twitter.com/7CzehSpR5B

— John Dingell (@JohnDingell) October 6, 2018

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☺ You’re doing a heck of a job, Orangey.

☺ We’ve had presidents of almost every stripe, but this one will be remembered as the smallest and most vile. A petty man with no interest in a greater good for us all. All I want for Christmas is January 20th, 2021.

☺ Trump’s entire criminal operation is on the brink of collapsing and honestly there is not enough popcorn in the world.

Brother, you said a mouthful. 

Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

Super Bowl hero Rob Gronkowski celebrates win by visiting Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool to have a candy corn fight with Bill in Portland Maine

—Mediaite

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Headlines You Won’t Read Today

‣ President Rage-tweets 18 Times After Midnight

‣ GOP Senators to Take Impeachment Trial Oath Seriously

‣ Rep. Greene Attends House Education Committee Meeting

‣ Fox News Reporter Outwits WH Press Secretary Psaki

Continued...

‣ Medical Community: Covid Response Worse Under Biden Administration

‣ ISS astronauts successfully repair Jewish space laser

‣ Peep Holes Removed from Mar-A-Lago Guest Rooms

‣ Future Bleak for Green Energy

‣ Nation Goes Full Day Without Anti-Mask Meltown In a Supermarket 

‣ Americans Demand Smaller Relief Package, Citing Deficit Worries

‣ Education Secretary's #1 Priority: Protect Kids from Grizzlies

‣ Brits Unanimous: Brexit Rocks!

‣ Judge Approves Woman's Request to Vacation in Bahamas After Storming U.S. Capitol

That last headline, of course, is totally bogus. The judge approved her request to vacation in Mexico after she stormed the Capitol. Like a judge would ever let an insurrectionist traitor vacation in the Bahamas. Jeez.

And now, our feature presentation...

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Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, February 9, 2021

Note: Don’t forget to catch Lou Dobbs on the Fox Business Channel tonight at never o’clock. Sponsored by: absolutely no one.

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By the Numbers:

Days 'til the start of the Chinese New Year (of the ox): 3

President Biden's approval rating in his first post-inauguration Gallup poll: 57%

Joe's approval among women and men in the Gallup poll, respectively: 63%, 52%

Percent of Americans polled by Quinnipiac University who think social media sites should be held accountable for the spread of disinformation (deliberately-deceptive information): 74%

Number of jobs added in January: 49,000

Year economic growth is expected to return to pre-pandemic levels, according to the Congressional Budget Office, which did not include the $1.9 trillion stimulus in its estimate: 2022

Expected GDP growth this year, according to CBO: 3.7%

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Teddy goes to Washington…

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CHEERS to gavels at dawn. Oh, Stanley! The impeachment trial starts today and I haven't a thing to wear! You simply must drive me to Saks so I can pick out a splendid ensemble that says "This is all so exciting" with an unmistakable subtext that screams, "Not with my democracy, you don't, Misssster Trump!  [Slap! Slap!]"  Now, I wish to have a Guardian explainer.  Jeeves, where is my Guardian explainer?

Donald Trump’s unprecedented second impeachment trial begins on Tuesday 9 February in the Senate. He is the first US president to be impeached twice, and it is the first time an impeachment trial has been held against a former president. The trial will hear allegations that he committed “high crimes and misdemeanors” before leaving office.

What is Trump charged with?

On 13 January, the US House of Representatives voted by 232 to 197 to impeach Trump over “incitement of insurrection” after his supporters stormed the Capitol in an attempt to overturn November’s election result. 10 Republican representatives voted to impeach him, making it the most bipartisan presidential impeachment in US history.

Now the only question is, what goes best with chiffon: my pearl "F*ck Trump" necklace, or my diamond "Writhe In Agony, Traitor" brooch. Silly me. Of course—both.

JEERS to superspreading for sport. In exactly—[Checks watch]—12 days we'll start to see the appearance of the "Super Bowl Party Bump," as thousands of football fans and their kin start testing positive for Covid-19. But at least we have competence at the top now, so it'll be handled better than, say, the Thanksgiving Bump or the Christmas Bump or the New Year's Bump. Worldwide there are now over 107 million cases—over a quarter of them in the U.S.  Here are this week's domestic numbers for the C&J historical record, courtesy of the most depressing tote board in the world, as our death toll now exceeds the population of America’s 41st-largest city Raleigh, North Carolina:

6 months ago: 5.2 million confirmed cases. 165,000 deaths.

3 months ago: 10.3 million confirmed cases. 245,000 deaths

1 month ago: 23 million confirmed cases. 382,000 deaths

This morning: 28 million confirmed cases. 475,000 deaths

Also for the historical record: the Buccaneers beat the Chiefs 31 to 9 at the Super Bowl.  Hope it was worth it, all you fans now headed to the ICU for the Please God Let Me Live Bowl.

CHEERS to Tippeca...ca...cachoo! Happy 248th birthday to "#9" William Henry "Tippecanoe" Harrison. During his nearly two-hour inaugural address (sans overcoat), he pledged not to run for a second term and, in one of the fastest fulfillments of a campaign promise ever, caught pneumonia and died 32 days later, but not before being plied with enough ipecac, opium, castor oil, calomel, camphor and brandy to kill a small army. But he did have a lasting effect on our electoral process. From Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents by Cormac O'Brien:

[I]f Harrison was no dream candidate, his campaign for president was one of the most important in American history.

Before 1840, active campaigning for office was considered about as crass as writing a blurb for your own book. Candidates were supposed to maintain an air of ambivalence while others did their stumping for them. Harrison changed all that by personally jumping into the fray with earnest, smiling enthusiasm, and his Whig party cohorts turned the campaign into a circus.

They dismissed opponent Martin Van Buren as a snob and a dandy, claiming their boy Harrison was the real man of the people. There were parties, bands, garish banners. It worked.

The Whigs only fielded two winning candidates (Zachary Taylor was the other), and neither could finish their first term without a visit from the grim reaper.  But, hey—great parties.

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CHEERS to the right team at the right place at the right time. As in 1933 and 2009, America finds itself with a Democratic president following a Republican president who let the economy turn into a dumpster fire and then ignored it. But like FDR and BHO, competence and hard work will pull us out of our tailspin and get things back to some semblance of normalcy. Or at least it will if history is any guide. From The New York Times, via their morning email:

The economy has fared far better under Democrats. The gap, as one academic paper puts it, is “startlingly large.” Here are the headline numbers.

Note where Biden’s predecessor falls:

The gap exists not only for G.D.P. and jobs but also for incomes, productivity and stock prices. The gap also exists if you assume that a president’s policies affect the economy with a lag and don’t start his economic clock until months after he takes office. Virtually any reasonable look at the data shows a big Democratic advantage.

As if to illustrate why, Democrats in Congress are forging ahead with a massive $1.9 trillion Covid relief package that will finally be enough to rise to the occasion and make a real difference in both people's lives and the economy. I know this for a fact because Republicans keep telling me it won't be enough to rise to the occasion and make a real difference in both people's lives and the economy.

CHEERS to the meteorologee-whiz kids. As Maine finally enters a snowy spell during the winter of aught twenty/aught twenty-one, we note that today is the 151st birthday of that dastardly socialist entity foisted on the nation by President Grant known as the National Weather Service.  It's mission: to provide...

"...weather, hydrologic, and climate forecasts and warnings for the United States, its territories, adjacent waters and ocean areas, for the protection of life and property and the enhancement of the national economy.

NWS data and products form a national information database and infrastructure which can be used by other governmental agencies, the private sector, the public, and the global community."

Today President Biden will mark the NWS’s anniversary in a seemingly contradictory way—by not marking on their meticulous weather maps with a Sharpie. 

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Ten years ago in C&J: February 9, 2011

CHEERS to Supertrains!  I've never ridden on high-speed rail, have you?  I mean, I've taken trains and I love 'em at any speed, but the difference between the conventional and high-speed variety must be like the difference between, say, something that goes relatively slowly and something that goes much faster than the slower thing.  So I welcome the news delivered by Vice President Joe Biden yesterday that the White House is pushing...

...a comprehensive plan to help the nation reach President Obama’s goal of giving 80 percent of Americans access to high-speed rail within 25 years.  The President is proposing to invest $53 billion over the next six years to continue construction of a national high-speed and intercity passenger rail network, which will create tens of thousands of private-sector jobs while helping to lay a new foundation for our economy.

Not to be outdone, Republicans say they have an idea of their own that will overhaul our transportation system while remaining true to their conservative values: high-speed wagon trains. [2/9/21 Update: Didn’t quite pan out. Maybe President Biden will have better luck.]

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And just one more…

CHEERS to 1/300th notes.  On this date in 1992, Thomas Scholl of Germany became the fastest yodeler alive, delivering 22 tones—15 of them falsettos—in 1 second. (To put that in perspective, that’s almost as fast as it takes a consumer to realize that buying a MyPillow was a terrible, terrible purchasing decision.)  Here he is in action:

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I can’t believe Germany hasn’t made that their national anthem.

Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

"Without dark matter, Cheers and Jeers would just fly apart. It's is a crucial ingredient in making a kiddie pool and holding it together."

—MIT graduate student Anirudh Chiti

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Late Night Snark: Just Another Week of Normalcy Edition

"You can tell we're officially living in Joe Biden's America, because just one month ago, we were fighting for the soul of our nation. Now, we're fighting for the soul of GameStop." —Samantha Bee

"This morning President Biden attended the National Prayer Breakfast in Washington D.C. At the event he quoted the famous philosopher Kierkegaard, [saying] 'Faith sees best in the dark.' Isn’t it nice to have a president who quotes 19th-century Danish philosophers instead of Twitter accounts with cartoon frog profile pics?"   —James Corden

Continued...

"A lot has happened since our last show. The inauguration…that was nice. Christmas. And, hey, now the terrorist watch list includes white people. So yay for diversity." —Colin Jost, SNL

"Press Secretary Jen Psaki said yesterday that the Biden administration will resume the practice of releasing White House visitor logs to the public. Previously, the only way to know who was going in and out of the White House was by which pillow they were holding." —Seth Meyers

BREAKING: A group of 10 Republican Senators has released its counterproposal to Biden's COVID relief plan pic.twitter.com/zRKee6Zozj

— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) February 1, 2021

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"Donald Trump's new, new lawyers released their response to the impeachment charges they will defend him against in the Senate next week, and this is great: on the very first page of their very first legal filing, they wrote, 'To the honorable members of the Unites States Senate.' They misspelled United States. Aaaaaaand we're off!" —Jimmy Kimmel

"Democrats in Congress have introduced legislation to raise the federal minimum wage to 15 dollars an hour. Which would finally give minimum-wage workers the ability to pay rent in the year 1995." —Michael Che, SNL

“Punxsutawney Phil is giving clearer stay-at-home orders than most governors.” —Conan O'Brien

And now, our feature presentation…

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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, February 5, 2021

Note: Just a heads-up that there will be no C&J Monday because sometimes I feel the need to keep you people in line by using the withholding of my love as a weapon. It was either that or this ticking bomb. Back Tuesday with HUGS!!!

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By the Numbers:

Days 'til the start of the impeachment trial of the deposed 45th president: 4

Percent chance that the Economic Policy Institute has crunched the numbers and believes the economic rebound will happen faster than expected: 100%

Percent of Americans polled by Quinnipiac who do and do not, respectively, support President Biden's move to stop border wall construction: 54%, 42%

Percent who support and oppose, respectively, allowing undocumented immigrants who were brought to the U.S. as children to remain here and eventually apply for citizenship: 83%, 12%

Percent of registered Utah Republicans who have quit the party since the Jan. 6 Republican attack on the Capitol: 7,600

Percent chance that marshmallow Peeps will be on shelves in time for Easter after a hiatus due to the pandemic: 100%

Time it took to complete a single Peep in 1953 (when the brand was launched) and last year, respectively: 27 hours / 6 minutes

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Coming Sunday to a Puppy Bowl on a TV near you…

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CHEERS to neutering a nattering nabob of nuttiness. Once again, Democrats have to clean up the Republicans' mess. This time it was the forcible removal from the House budget and education committees of a Georgia performance artist with pork rinds for brains who convinced enough people in her district to elect her to Congress, whereupon she set upon infecting the dendrites of democracy with her special brand of sub-reddit conspiracy slop endorsed by her deposed supreme leader, whose impeachment trial starts Tuesday:

The House voted 230-199, with 11 Republicans joining every Democrat who voted.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., had rebuked Republican leaders for refusing to take away Greene's assignments. "I remain profoundly concerned about House Republicans' leadership acceptance of extreme conspiracy theorists. … Particularly disturbing is their eagerness to reward a QAnon adherent, a 9/11 truther, a harasser of child survivors of school shootings."

Greene [expressed] support for the QAnon conspiracy theory, embracing calls for violence against top Democrats and suggesting the Sandy Hook and Parkland school shootings were staged.

She becomes just another disgraced Republican idiot from a gerrymandered district with a lapel pin and a big, frequently-unmasked mouth. Or as she's now known: Louie Gohmert minus the charm.

CHEERS to a really special delivery. If there's one thing we discovered during election season, it's that Americans hold their mail carriers in higher esteem than just about anyone. And we were in no mood to stand by as Postmaster and Satan's spawn Louis DeJoy tried to kill the Postal Service to grind vote-by-mail ballots to a crawl on orders from President Biden's vanquished foe. (Hell, even Republicans were pissed over the delays of their prescription meds and CHRISTmas fruitcakes.) Thankfully he failed. But the USPS still needs a lot of TLC, and so this is good news:

A bipartisan group of lawmakers in the House and Senate introduced legislation that would provide the Postal Service much-needed financial relief by doing away with a mandate that required it to prepay retirement benefits decades in advance.

The issue stems from a 2006 law that required the Postal Service to create a $72 billion fund that would pay for its employees' retirement health benefits for more than 50 years into the future. This is not required by any other federal agency.

The "USPS Fairness Act," introduced by Democrats and Republicans in both chambers, would do away with the requirement and comes as some lawmakers and the biggest Postal Service union have called for President Joe Biden to quickly install new leadership in the federal agency.

There's also momentum for firing the Postal Service's board of governors, hiring a new batch with brains, and then loading DeJoy into a catapult aimed at the sun. Personally, I think that's a little harsh. Launching him to Mercury would be plenty enough to send a message.

CHEERS to historic moments in getting busted for doing something naughty with your hand. Eleven hilarious years ago this week, while bamboozling a rapt Tea Party audience in Nashville at the height of the movement's Black President Panic of 2010, former everything Sarah Palin got caught for the most juvenile of transgressions: writing cheat notes on her hand:

Energy. Budget Tax cuts. Lift American spirits.  So complex were those concepts that she had to write them down.  On her hand.  Seven words.  And even then she made a mistake and had to cross one out.  Y'know, we don’t say this to our right-wing friends nearly enough: even though you’re lunatics with incurious, reality-averse mush for brains who represent the worst of human instincts, thank you anyway...for your healing gift of laughter.

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CHEERS to the Illinois governor who took on the Kansas general. Happy 121st birthday to Adlai Stevenson II.  He lost to Dwight Eisenhower in both 1952 and 1956.  (Then again, I think God herself would have, too.)  But as U.N. Ambassador he pleasantly surprised the Kennedy administration by giving the Russians hell during the Cuban missile crisis.  And he sure understood Republicans:

"A hypocrite is the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree, then mount the stump and make a speech for conservation. "

"I have been thinking that I would make a proposition to my Republican friends... that if they will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them."

And I love this:

“We travel together, passengers on a little space ship, dependent on its vulnerable reserves of air and soil; all committed for our safety to its security and peace; preserved from annihilation only by the care, the work and, I will say, the love we give our fragile craft.

We cannot maintain it half fortunate, half miserable, half confident, half despairing, half slave to the ancient enemies of man, half free in a liberation of resources undreamed of until this day. No craft, no crew can travel with such vast contradictions. On their resolution depends the survival of us all.”

In other words: nice knowin' ya.

CHEERS to blowing this popsicle stand. Speaking of being passengers on a little space ship: every time you go outside on a clear night you’re doing yourself a grave disservice if you don’t look up and nearly choke on your bong hit as you realize that the universe up there is pretty damn spectacular. The elves at NASA are also aware of this, so they always let us in on the big celestial events for the month. Here’s a look at February’s sky-watching tips, including the Perseverance landing on Mars, a sassy asterism, and the moon gettin’ it on with the Gemini twins:  

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By the way, I hate to burst his bubble, but I know how Orion the hunter manages to look so svelte up there year after year: Spanx.

CHEERS to home vegetation. If it's Friday, the boob tube must be singing its siren song. The viewing starts off the usual way, with Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow digesting the Friday news dumps. At 10 on HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher talks with Jimmy Kimmel, Matt Welch, and Charlotte Alter.  Guests on The Graham Norton Show (11, BBC America) include Tom Jones, who turned 80 last year, and the great and underrated Sam Neill.

The most popular home videos, including the features and TV movies nominated this week for Golden Globes and SAG Awards, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here and the NBA schedule is here. Also: the final rounds of the Phoenix Open (NBC) are happening in…um, I forget which city. Dan Levy (Schitt's Creek) hosts SNL, which is totally must-watch.  Joe Biden will appear for the traditional pre-Super Bowl presidential interview, and 22-year-old inaugural poet Amanda Gorman will be part of the pre-game show, but I'm not sure exactly when because CBS's coverage begins at freaking 12 noon—that's worse than the Oscars. How dare they stomp on Puppy Bowl XVII (2pm, Discovery & Animal Planet, and Champ and Major Biden will pop in). The kickoff is finally at 6:30, followed by (I looked it up) 11-15 minutes of actual football action. And if you're still up at 11:30 Sunday night, Stephen Colbert hosts a post-Super Bowl edition of The Late Show.

Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:

Meet the Press: The order is given: Release the Fauci!

This Week: Pete Buttigieg makes his Sunday morning debut as Transportation secretary; Sen. Roger Wicker (Q-MS).

Face the Nation: WHO’s Covid-19 technical lead Marie Van Kerhove; Sen. Lindsey Graham (Q-SC); sportscaster James Brown; Plus: Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen talks fiscal policy while demonstrating proper hand-chalking for climbers of Yosemite’s El Capitan. 

CNN's State of the Union: Bernie!!! Sen. Pat Toomey (Q-PA); Plus: Janet Yellen talks fiscal policy while demonstrating her deadly Ninja judo chop hai!!! 

Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sens. Rand Paul (Q-KY) and Chris Murphy (D-CT); Rep. Liz Cheney.

 Happy viewing!

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Ten years ago in C&J: February 5, 2011

CHEERS to Fox News.  Seriously.  They nailed Barack Obama for quoting a passage from the New International Version of the Bible at yesterday's National Prayer Breakfast.  Fox contends that he should've used the King James version instead.  A couple years back, Episcopal Bishop V. Gene Robinson told me during a visit to Portland that King James was "as gay as a goose."  So good call, Fox News, for tut-tutting the President of the United States for not quoting scripture from the homosexual-approved version of the Bible.  Next: Sean Hannity dons a silk cravat?

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And just one more…

CHEERS to the Energizer Maestro.  Woo-hoo!  It's time for our annual "Happy Birthday" (Monday) salute to 25-time Grammy winner, 5-time Oscar winner, 3-time Emmy winner, Kennedy Center honoree, and rock-ribbed dirty fucking hippie union-loving Democrat John Williams.  He is hands-down my favorite composer, and he's widely considered America's greatest living composer period. Over a span of over 60 years he's given us:  

» One iconic theme for NBC Nightly News and another for Meet the Press

» One score for an Oscar-winning animated short based on the late NBA star Kobe Bryant's poem Dear Basketball

» Two Jaws scores

» Two Jurassic Park scores.

» Two themes and one episode score for Land of the Giants

» Three Oliver Stone films (Born on the 4th of July, JFK, Nixon)

»  Three iconic disaster flicks (Poseidon Adventure, Earthquake, Towering Inferno)

» Three Harry Potter scores

» Four Indiana Jones scores

» Five themes for the Olympic Games

» Nine Star Wars scores—a 42-year magnum opus d'cinema that will never be equaled

» 20 scores for episodes of Gilligan's Island

» 28 scores for Steven Spielberg movies

» And, yes, a disco version of his theme from Close Encounters of the Third Kind that he regrets recording but it was a Top 40 hit, won a Grammy, and it’s actually pretty catchy.  

He's also composed music involving a gaggle of American presidents: John F. Kennedy (JFK), John Quincy Adams/Martin Van Buren (Amistad), Tricky Dick (Nixon, The Post), Lincoln (Lincoln), and Obama (a piece for the first inauguration, in which he expressed "in a very simple and not ostentatious way the solemnity and beauty of the moment and the promise of the moment"). Also: Queen Elizabeth II (in The BFG). Oh! Almost forgot Dick Cheney’s theme:

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After capturing Vienna's heart last year by conducting two sold-out concerts there—from which he produced an album that became the #1 classical seller of 2020—he's currently pondering his next post-pandemic project, with no intention of retiring. Happy 89th birthday, John. Only 11 more years and we might let you retire.

Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Tuesday's Horoscope for Democrats

You will enjoy another day of competent leadership, courtesy of accomplished professionals who have the knowledge, skill, and experience to tackle problems in a calm, systematic way, thus allowing you to forge ahead with your life goals without feeling like you're headed off a cliff. Enjoy a delicious treat your taste buds have had their eyes on. Tonight: restful, rejuvenating sleep.

Tuesday's Horoscope for Republicans

If you're not arrested for insurrection, the Jewish space laser will find you and scorch your shorts. Take time to smell the conspiracies. Tonight: the worst sleep of your life again as you wrestle with your conservative grifter-made pillow that feels like it’s been stuffed with the bones of roadkill.

Have a great day!

Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, February 2, 2021

Note: If you have a MAGA hat, burn your MAGA hat. If you need a MAGA hat, get the hell off this blog.  —Mgt.

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By the Numbers:

Days 'til the Perseverance rover lands on Mars: 16

Drop in coronavirus cases over the last three weeks: -40%

Number of companies (a record high) that earned a perfect score of 100 in the Human Rights Campaign's annual LGBTQ Equality Index: 767

Number of companies that achieved a perfect score when the first Index came out in 2002: 13

Official number of police officers injured by Republican insurrectionists on Jan. 6 at the Capitol: 140

Democrats polled by Monmouth University who approve of the job President Biden is doing: 90%

Percent chance that Norwegian member of parliament Petter Eide nominated Black Lives Matter for the 2021 Nobel Peace Prize for "bringing forward a new consciousness and awareness about racial justice": 100%

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Farewell, Freddy. During your time here, you towered over all the woozles…

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CHEERS to a very large shoe hanging over a very large head. If the brains of Republicans in the Senate hadn't been replaced with cinderblocks long ago, I might hold out some hope that they'll vote to convict President Biden's insurrectionist predecessor at his impeachment trial this month. Instead they'll cultishly give him a free pass, so the best we can hope for is that the Democrats will present a case so ugly and damning that America convulses in rage against the entire seditionist GOP and clobbers them in the 2022 midterms. In the meantime, here's something that may keep the Madman of Mar-A-Lago's blood pressure dangerously high:

MSNBC and NBC News legal analyst and former federal prosecutor Glenn Kirschner told SiriusXM host Dean Obeidallah that the Justice Department is likely building a grand jury case against Donald Trump for seditious conspiracy and incitement of the Capitol insurrection. […]

"Everyday around the country, FBI agents are locking up insurrectionists, and what they do is they take them back to the local FBI field office, they mirandize them. If they waive their Miranda rights, they interrogate them, they get them to confess, and all of these insurrectionists are weak human beings for the most part or they wouldn’t need to beat people with flagpoles and strap long guns across their big old bellies.

And after they confess, they will ask the motive question: Why did you do this? Every last one of them will be saying the same thing: 'Donald Trump told me to. He told me that people in that [Capitol] building up the street…stole my vote [and] they stole our election. And he told us to go in there and stop them.'

Well first of all, that’s inciting insurrection. And second, what that does is, it’s building a case against Donald Trump and Don Jr. and Giuliani for, among other things, their pep talk telling these insurrectionists to get up the street and get into the capital."

Betrayed by his own lily-livered orcs. I live to see the day.

CHEERS to government web sites worth bookmarking—like this one.  Never was there a bigger waste of internet space than the previous administration's official web sites, which were little more than propaganda outlets for their Republican cult leader. That all changed for the better on January 20th when the Democrats took over the Executive Branch, and none more impressively than that of the State Department. Under the capable direction of Secretary of State Antony Blinken, once again human rights are being advocated for, fences are being mended, and bad actors are being put on notice. Exhibit A:

“The U.S. condemns the persistent use of harsh tactics against peaceful protesters and journalists by Russian authorities for a second week straight.

We renew our call for Russia to release those detained for exercising their human rights, including Aleksey Navalny.”

Amazing how easy it is to stand on the right side of history when your president doesn't come with strings attached.

CHEERS to bold leadership.  73 years ago today, in 1948, President Harry Truman made the racists cry by urging Congress to adopt recommendations by a presidential commission on civil rights.  It's almost breathtaking in scope.  He ended his message to Congress with this, a statement that resonates just as loudly today:

[W]e must protect our civil rights so that by providing all our people with the maximum enjoyment of personal freedom and personal opportunity we shall be a stronger nation—stronger in our leadership, stronger in our moral position, stronger in the deeper satisfactions of a united citizenry.

We know that our democracy is not perfect.  But we do know that it offers freer, happier life to our people than any totalitarian nation has ever offered.

If we wish to inspire the peoples of the world whose freedom is in jeopardy, if we wish to restore hope to those who have already lost their civil liberties, if we wish to fulfill the promise that is ours, we must correct the remaining imperfections in our practice of democracy.

We know the way. We only need the will.

Oh...did I mention he's a Democrat?

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JEERS to today's edition of Welcome to 2021, Rip Van Winkle. Courtesy opinion writer and rich guy John Macintosh over at CNN:

"I'm part of the 1%. We need to acknowledge that the deck has been stacked in our favor"

This has been today's edition of Welcome to 2021, Rip Van Winkle.

CHEERS to Snowzilla!  How uncommon is the storm that’s ravaged a 1,200-mile stretch of American Motherland Freedom Soil, affecting nearly 100 million Yearners to Breathe Free?  It's such a hazardous storm that it's been designated by the National Weather Service as a "Blizzard Unsympathetically Launching Lightning, Snow, Hail, Icicles and Thunder" (BULLSHIT). It's been called historic, once a century, awesome, unprecedented and, among the young'uns, "super awesome!"  Southern Maine is expected to get a foot, so Michael and I were running around yesterday frantically getting our emergency supplies together.  Only this morning did we realize how miserably we'd failed.  We forgot the daiquiri umbrellas.

P.S. 

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JEERS to weapons of mass annoyance.  On February 2, 1991, during the Gulf War that a Bush actually won, Iraq fired Scud missiles at Israel and Saudi Arabia.  Today school children read about it in their textbooks as the Battle of Yes Saddam Hussein Really Was That Dumb.

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Ten years ago in C&J: February 2, 2011

CHEERS to the beginning of the end.  Hosni Mubarek, who became Egyptian president when Anwar Sadat was killed by people throwing chairs on top of him (that's how I remember it, anyway), announced yesterday that he won’t run for a 500th term as Terrible Leader.  But—always a but, isn’t there?—he wants to continue fluffing the palace pillows until September.  No dice, Grampa, say the protesters and President Obama, it's time for you to pick out your rockin' chair now.  So that's where it stands as of this morning.  At this point there's hope for a quick resolution so that the nation, paralyzed for weeks, can finally start the process of cleaning up and removing the stench that has spread across the land.  Step 1: change the Sphinx's litterbox.

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And just one more…

CHEERS to furry fortunetellers.  If today feels like the day before, Surprise!  It's Groundhog Day. We'll keep tabs on how all the various critters fare this morning and fill in the results here:

Shubenacadie Sam (Nova Scotia): Early spring!

General Beauregard Lee (Lilburn, GA): 

Staten Island Chuck: 

Wiarton Willie (Ontario): 

Dunkirk Dave (Dunkirk, NY): 

Punxsutawney Phil: At Gobblers Knob, PA, the "official" groundhog predicts six more weeks of winter.

Buckeye Chuck (Marion, OH): 

“Jimmy” (Sun Prairie, Wisconsin): 

Fred la Marmotte (Quebec): 

The suspense is killing me.

Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

"I apologize for thinking that Bill in Portland Maine ate babies."

—Ex QAnon guy

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