The Brain of a Daily Kos Reader is a Fearsome Machine
Tying up a loose end from the dearly-departed year 2021, here’s a recap of some of our C&J poll results from the fourth quarter. It gives the world a moment to pause and collectively marvel at the sound judgment and brainpower on display here at the Great Orange Satan:
✔ 86 percent of you are definitely ready to let states other than Iowa go first during future presidential primary seasons.
✔ 95 percent aren’t surprised that people who claim “Jesus is my vaccine” keep dying of Covid-19.
✔ 94 percent support Facebook whistleblower Frances Haugen’s call for a federal data protection agency focused on safeguarding Americans’ online personal data and civil liberties.
Continued...
✔ 69 percent rightly predicted that world leaders would get nothing substantial done at the climate summit in Glasgow. (Greta was not happy.)
✔ 99 percent support the suspension and/or firing of health care workers and first responders who refuse to get vaccinated for Covid-19.
All of our poll results are double-checked by the world-famous Hinkelmeijer triplets in real time using the latest accordiotabulation technology.
✔ In mid-November we asked how you would grade Attorney General Merrick Garland’s job performance in terms of “his urgency in dealing with this precarious moment in our country’s history.” Three percent gave him an A, 14 percent a B, 30 percent a C, 29% a D, and 24 percent an F.
✔ Given various projects the new infrastructure bill will pay for, 32% were most impressed with lead-pipe replacement, followed by charging stations for electric vehicles (20%), with roads/bridges and broadband expansion tied at 17%.
✔ Not even close: 98 percent of the orange rabble support a vaccine mandate for people traveling by air, as Dr. Fauci has suggested.
✔ When asked to grade the overall performance of President Biden’s cabinet during 2021, 33 percent gave them an A, 53 percent a B, 7 percent a C, and one percent a D.
✔ And for 45 percent of you, your list of Festivus grievances for 2021 was longer than last year’s. For 23 percent the list was shorter.
Please: keep voting in our polls. It'll keep ya sharp for the midterms. And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, January 5, 2022
Note: What kind of dancers do professional plumbers make the most money off of? Cloggers, of course. Thank you, I'll be here all week.
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By the Numbers:
The Covid Games start in 30 days.
Days 'til the start of the Winter Olympics in that country that allows corruption and human rights abuses to fester. No, not us, silly—China: 30
Percent of Democrats and Republicans, respectively, polled by Civiqs who say they teach about racism at home: 86%, 39%
Percent of Americans in the same poll who believe the police improved how they interact with people over the last year: 18%
People in the ICU in Michigan on December 13 and January 3, respectively: 1,019 / 774
Average price of a used vehicle in November, according to Edmunds.com: $29,011
Percent chance that the Mercedes concept car EQXX is "made with a host of innovative recycled and sustainable materials including mushroom fibers, ground up cacti, and trash such as food scraps": 100%
Puppy Pic of the Day: Rule #1 for a seasoned criminal: leave no prints…
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CHEERS to bustin' that filibuster in the chops, boy howdy I'm tellin' ya this time it's for realz maybe. After eating his usual breakfast of rusty nails and single-handedly stopping several muggings and bank robberies with nothing more than his wits and those giant fists of fury, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer sat down and scrawled an earthquake-inducing letter on a chunk of Harley tailpipe. And, by god, this time it's personal:
Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.) announced on Monday that the Senate will hold another vote on voting rights legislation in January. If Republicans choose to filibuster debate on it for the fifth time, Schumer promised to hold a vote on changing Senate rules to enable it to come to the floor for debate and, ultimately, passage.
A helluva legacy if he pulls this off.
In a letter to his Senate colleagues, Schumer framed the push for voting rights laws as a response to the election fraud lies peddled by former President Donald Trump, which inspired the Jan. 6 riot at the U.S. Capitol. Those lies and the insurrection have since stood as inspiration for Republican state legislatures to enact new laws that limit voting opportunities and, in at least one state, enable Republicans to purge Democrats from local election boards and replace them with partisans who can make it harder to vote in key Democratic counties. […]
The Jan. 6 anniversary is at the beginning of this final push for voting rights legislation. The Martin Luther King Jr. Day holiday, which falls on Jan. 17 this year, is the end: Schumer promised that any push to change Senate rules will come by that date.
Sounds like Schumer has something up his sleeve. If he doesn’t get this done, it better be a one-way ticket on the first SpaceX trip to Mars.
CHEERS to peace in our time. Big announcement from the dudes in charge of most of the world's supply of metallic laser-guided Worse-Than-Hiroshimas:
China, Russia, the United States and France have agreed that a further spread of nuclear arms and a nuclear war should be avoided, according to a joint statement by the five nuclear powers published by the Kremlin on Monday.
Nukes are legal. These are not.
It said that the five countries—which are the permanent members of the United Nations Security Council—consider it their primary responsibility to avoid war between the nuclear states and to reduce strategic risks, while aiming to work with all countries to create an atmosphere of security.
“We affirm that a nuclear war cannot be won and must never be fought,” the English-language version of the statement read.
And in economic news: words remain cheapest commodity on earth for the four billionth straight year.
P.S. Britain, Pakistan and the UK didn’t sign on to this? Earth, we may have a problem.
CHEERS to beating Big Meat. Smart and appropriate move by President Biden, as he reaches out to rural Americans by taking aim at the giant price-gouging meat-packing conglomerates:
President Joe Biden met virtually with independent farmers and ranchers Monday to discuss initiatives to reduce food prices by increasing competition within the meat industry, part of a broader effort to show his administration is trying to combat inflation. “Capitalism without competition isn’t capitalism—it’s exploitation,” Biden said.
Meanwhile candy corn prices have skyrocketed to $1 million per pound, and Biden has done nothing. Nothing!
Biden is building off a July executive order that directed the Agriculture Department to more aggressively look at possible violations of the 1921 Packers and Stockyards Act, which was designed to ensure fair competition and protect consumers. Meat prices have climbed 16% from a year ago, with beef prices up20.9%. […]
“We must get to the bottom of why farmers and ranchers continue to receive low payments while families across America endure rising meat prices,” said Zippy Duvall, president of the American Farm Bureau Federation.
Good. Because meat has gotten so expensive that in order to put pork on my table I've had to put my most cherished possessions in hock. You might call it...ham hock! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! (These and 499 other knee-slappers are now available in Billy's Industrial Food Industry Jokes For All Occasions, Volume LCXXIII. Hurry and get yours today---they're moo-ving fast!)
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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This is what Earth looks like from 1.5 billion kilometers away. A pale blue dot beneath the rings of Saturn captured by the Cassini spacecraft. Credit: NASA/JPL-Caltech/SSI pic.twitter.com/8NvxIOIBVM
CHEERS to Democratic bulldogs. Former Speaker of the House Tip O'Neill—who coined the phrase "All politics is local"—died 28 years ago today at 81. His 1994 New York Times obituary is an excellent read on retail politics and how Team D can differentiate itself from Team R:
He was a large, joyous, generous-spirited man with a bulbous nose, yellowed white hair that flopped over his forehead and an ever-present cigar. […]
You never saw him and Lt. Frank Drebin in the same room together.
Mr. O'Neill was an old-style politician and proud of it, a House Speaker comfortable with power, who clung to his brand of liberalism long after it ceased to be fashionable, even among his fellow Democrats.
An early opponent of the Vietnam War, Mr. O'Neill took strong positions on many controversial issues. He was the Congressional leader who pushed hardest for the impeachment of President Richard M. Nixon and later, as Speaker, put his prestige on the line for Congressional reform. […] To Mr. O'Neill, who spoke of the Democratic Party with near-religious fervor, the party was the one of the cities, the working people, the poor, the needy, the unemployed, the sick and the disinherited. "And no way are we ever going to let them down," he would insist.
CHEERS to happy days in Nerdville. A lot of well-earned whooping and hollering at NASA yesterday as the James Webb space telescope—which, when fully active, will look so far back into history that we'll be able to see whose shoe our universe came from the bottom of—passed a major milestone in its deployment as it unfurled…
…all five layers of its tennis-court-sized sunshield, a prerequisite for the telescope's science operations and the most nerve-wracking part of its risky deployment.
As of today, the Webb has its own trampoline.
The challenging procedure, which required careful tensioning of each of the five hair-thin layers of the elaborate sunshield structure was a seamless success today (Jan. 4). Its completion brought huge relief to the thousands of engineers involved in the project over its three decades of development, as well as the countless scientists all over the world who eagerly await Webb's groundbreaking observations. […]
Since Webb observes infrared light, or heat, it has to be kept at extremely cold temperatures so that there is no heat from Webb that could obscure its observations. By reflecting both incoming solar radiation and heat from planet Earth, the sunshield keeps Webb perfectly cold.
Had the rollout of the heat shield failed, NASA was ready with Plan B to keep the craft icy cold during its mission: having Ivanka Trump spend a few minutes a day staring at it.
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 5, 2012
JEERS to earth-shaking news. In northeast Ohio, underground storage of wastewater from the natural gas extraction process called fracking is causing earthquakes. Eleven so far. Of course, there's a difference of opinion on the seriousness of this. The people we typically refer to as educated scientists say "you ain't seen nothin' yet," while the group popularly known as politicians (Governor Kasich, take a bow) say "nothing to see here, please move along." Besides, who doesn’t dream about having their own vibrating bed?
When a female is ready to lay her eggs, she seeks out a tarantula and injects it with paralyzing venom.
Welcome to New Mexico!
She drags the tarantula to a burrow and stuffs it down the hole, then lays her eggs on top of the paralyzed spider. Several days later the eggs hatch and the larvae feed on the still living tarantula.
Also: not many people know that the state maintains an army of giant tarantula hawk wasps in an underground bunker in Roswell. And also not many people know that therein lies the reason for the state's official motto: "What New Mexico Wants, New Mexico Gets."
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
”I Moved Into the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool With Bill in Portland Maine during COVID-19. Now I Don't Want To Leave.”
Good morning, liberal hippie commie Marxist Sorosistas and your America-killing infatuation with—[Checks notes]—keeping your fellow Americans safe and healthy and able to pay their bills. Tuesday welcomes you. For your convenience, C&J continues monitoring important deadlines of national importance as imposed by the Trump shadow administration, aka the MyPillow guy, who has never missed a deadline because of his peerless managerial efficiency and long-range planning prowess. Please mark the following on your "Chemtrail A Day" calendars:
August 12-13“When we get through this and the Supreme Court pulls down this election—like I’ve been telling everybody—when they do this, it’s going to be a great uniting and that gives me hope. Once we have this symposium, how are the pathways of Donald Trump coming back? The first one would be, once we have the symposium, by the night of the 12th or the morning of the 13th. … maybe, you know, Biden and Harris would say, ‘hey, we’re here to protect the country’ and resign."
Stay tuned to Daily Kos for updates, as Mr. Lindell’s brilliant mind works beautifully and pillowy, and these developments will happen very, very quickly. Thank you. Have a magnetizing day.
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, July 27, 2021
Note: Here's today's Helpful Hint from Heloise. To to reduce your risk of being robbed on the street, always carry a shovel with blood stains on it. Hugs!
CHEERS to getting to the bottom of all this insurrection whatchamahootchie. Today's the day the Trump cult has feared since the day they went all "Reichstag Fire" on their country by storming the Capitol to—in order of importance—hang Trump's vice president, smear feces on the walls, ransack the place, attack the Capitol Police, plant a Confederate flag under the Rotunda, and stop the certification of Joe Biden's election victory. Or, as the cult likes to say: the day they dressed up in their fancy best to hug and kiss the Capitol Police as they politely took a tour of our seat of government out of intellectual curiosity. So, y'know…potato puhtahto. Today the "Select Committee on the January 6th Attack" (9 Democrats, 2 Republicans) meets for the first time to investigate—quoting here—"WTF??????" C&J has obtained an exclusive transcript of chairman Bennie Thompson's opening questions:
"Congressman Jim Jordan, would you like to say a few opening words? Oh, wait, that's right, he got booted off the committee Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!! Any objection to Congressman Jordan going first? Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!! Or do you just want to sit there and look the other way, cuz I hear you were really good doing that at OSU. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!”
If you've ever wondered what Liz Cheney looks like cracking a smile, here's your chance.
CHEERS to an interesting set of options. Oh, those Democrats. Always trying to make it a little easier to help their fellow citizens get through this crazy thing called life. And one way they're trying to do that is by stuffing their $3.5 trillion "New New Deal" with provisions that will help add more support for the health care laws that are already on the books. Via a deep dive at HuffPo (motto: "All the Po That's Fit to Huff"), these are some things that could be included…
» $200 billion to shore up subsidies for Obamacare signer-uppers
Soon it could be Obama’s turn to tell the sitting president that his health care bill is a BFD.
» $400 billion for in-home care, housing, and employment for seniors and the disabled to help them maintain independence from nursing homes
» Add dental, vision, and hearing care to Medicare, and cap out-of-pocket costs
» $400 billion to close the "Medicaid gap" caused by Republicans (especially in the south) who refuse to expand the program as allowed by the ACA. This would get countless people at or just above the poverty line insured, many for the first time ever.
» Reduce the age of eligibility to sign up for Medicare
» Give the government the power—finally!!!—to negotiate for lower drug prices
Holy Aunt Fanny's lumbago, that's nice! Probably enough even to swing a few more votes the Democrats' way in the midterm elections for Republican officials to overturn the morning after. So what happens next? That's your homework assignment for today. Be specific and remember: penmanship counts.
CHEERS to the end of the end. It was all over for Tricky Dick 47 years ago today, thanks to a 27-11 vote by the House Judiciary Committee to adopt the first of three articles of impeachment against President Nixon who, said ABC News's Tom Jarrell at the time, was "presumably still in his swim trunks" while on vacation in California when he heard the news. Meanwhile, then-VP Gerald Ford just couldn’t help but play a little game of up-is-downism:
Ford: It's interesting that every Democrat on the committee—north and south—voted for the article. ... It tends to make it a partisan issue.
When Trump is forced to leave in disgrace, he’ll just give the thumbs-up sign, which will look as ridiculously stupid as Dick’s victory signs.
Reporter: Even if one-third of Republicans voted for it?
Ford: Well, the fact that every one of the Democrats voted for it, I think, uh, lends credence that it's a partisan issue, even though some Republicans have deviated.
...said the Republican who later unilaterally exonerated the Republican crook. But, hey, what's a little hypocrisy among friends?
CHEERS to shedding blood, sweat, toil, and tears for victory.The greatest sporting competition in the world continues today. It's intense. Inspiring. Gut-wrenching. Yes, it's even enough to bring a tear to your eye, knowing how hard the competitors worked and fought and planned and sacrificed to make it this far. Watching last night reminded me that the power of the champion isn’t in the brawn, but the brains. And all the pomp and ceremony can't conceal the fact that winning it all boils down to individual achievement on a scale that only the best of the best—the goatiest of the GOATs, if you will—will come out on top. But enough about LeVar Burton's first night guest-hosting Jeopardy! Anyone know what's up at the Olympics?
JEERS to hounding the wrong guy. Speaking of not speaking about the Olympics, here’s a reminder that assholes can, and do, sometimes pee in the pool during the fun. Twenty-five years ago today, domestic right-wing terrorist nut Eric Rudolph detonated a pipe bomb at the Summer Olympic games in Atlanta.
Sculpture in Centennial (Olympic) Park with an indentation of a nail from the July 27, 1996 bombing.
The blast killed one person and injured over a hundred more, but it could've been worse if security guard Richard Jewell hadn’t found the bomb and tried to move people out of harm's way. The hero was later pilloried in the press and by the late-night gaggle (Leno called him the "Una-doofus") when it became known that the FBI considered him a suspect. Then, when his name was officially cleared, they moved on and dumped his reputation by the side of the road like a rodent carcass. Wikipedia reminds us of what the media should've learned:
Jewell's case became an example of the damage that can be done by reporting based on unreliable or incomplete information...
Mr. Lesson From The Past, meet Mr. ADD.
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Ten years ago in C&J: July 27, 2011
JEERS to the continuing distraction from job creation. This is Day 4 of our daily—and oh-so-useful—updates on the debt crisis. Here's the latest, courtesy of special guest blogger, Atrios:
Just a reminder that there is no debt ceiling crisis. There's a fake crisis started by Republicans and then embraced by the White House so that everyone gets to use the fake crisis to try to do unpopular things in such a way that nobody, in theory, actually gets the blame.
A few people need to show up in Congress in the middle of the night, cast a voice vote, and we can move on to the next fake crisis.
Tomorrow: You ain't seen nothin' yet. (And that's what you're getting.)
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a fabulous quintet. Just a pure unadulterated good news story: the 44th Kennedy Center Honorees have been announced. As usual, the wealth of talent has a liberal bias:
Operatic bass-baritone Justino Díaz’s remarkable career has taken him to the stages of the world’s greatest opera houses and symphonic halls. He stands as one of the greatest bass-baritones in the field.
Berry Gordy’s unparalleled contribution to music and popular culture as a songwriter, producer, and director provided the musical soundtrack for generations of Americans and brought us many of today’s greatest artists. He is responsible for the “Motown Sound” that reached out across a racially divided, politically and socially charged country, to transform popular music forever.
Good lookin’ bunch.
Emmy Award winning producer and writer Lorne Michaels created Saturday Night Live, capturing the zeitgeist of American life and culture.
As one of the world's most beloved entertainers and living legends, Bette Midler’s expansive body of work has spanned nearly six decades across different genres, eras, and media.
An artist of unparalleled talent stretching across genres, Joni Mitchell is an icon of modern music and one of the most influential songwriters and creators of our age.
I'm thinking that we'll see a return of the President of the United States sitting in a balcony seat with the honorees during the festivities on December 5th. The last president snubbed them. He suffers from a severe allergy to the toxic mix of happiness and culture.
Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
A man named Dan Bailey posted a video of himself on Instagram as he calmly told Bill in Portland Maine to his face, “You are the worst human being known to mankind.”
Climbing into my home-built starship (thanks again for the blueprints, Popular Mechanics) and using the sun as a slingshot to achieve speeds that allowed me to merge with a wormhole, yesterday I made my annual trip back in time to fetch this bit of insight-with-no-expiration-date from Paul Waldman circa July, 2006. Consider it a timely warning to our current spate of GOP toxicity:
Conservatism is the ideology of the past—a past we don't want to return to.
Continued...
Waldman continued...
Liberals need to embrace the culture war, because we're winning. The story of American history is that of conservative ideas and prejudices falling away as our society grows more progressive and thus more true to our nation's founding ideals.
Conservatives supported slavery, conservatives opposed women's suffrage, conservatives supported Jim Crow, conservatives opposed the 40-hour work week and the abolishment of child labor, and conservatives supported McCarthyism. In short, all the major advancements of freedom and justice in our history were pushed by liberals and opposed by conservatives, no matter the party they inhabited at the time.
Conservatism is Bill Bennett lecturing you about self-denial, then rushing off to feed his slot habit at the casino. It's James Dobson telling you that children need regular beatings to stay in line. It's a superannuated nun rapping you on the knuckles so you won't think about your dirty parts. It's Jerry Falwell watching "Teletubbies" frame by frame to see if Tinky Winky is trying to turn him gay. Conservatism is everyone you never wanted to grow up to be.
Let’s just hope our country gets that through its thick skull in time.
Note: "Palmolive implants microchips while you do dishes." —Deep State Madge
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By the Numbers:
2 days!!! (Commercial airliner sold separately.)
Days 'til the full "Buck" moon: 2
Rank of the U.S. in new covid cases: #1
President Biden’s and President Trump's average approval rating after 6 months in office, according to FiveThirtyEight's daily tally of all polls: 52%, 38%
Number of prisoners left at the U.S. gulag facility at Guantánamo Bay after the release of one Monday: 39
Percent support among all Americans for the Biden infrastructure bill's spending on, respectively, building roads and bridges, getting broadband to rural areas, and paying for childcare and eldercare: 87%, 73%, 71%
Per-glass price at my front-yard lemonade stand I set up when I was 5: $199.95
Number of glasses sold in 52 years: 0
Totally Random NBA Finals Score
Milwaukee Bucks 105 Phoenix Suns 98
Milwaukee wins the championship for the first time since 1971
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Mid-weekRapture Index: 186 (including 6 floods and billions of Satan's Big Macs served). Soul Protection Factor 30 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
CHEERS to getting your moment in the stratosphere. Yesterday morning, at the precise stroke of 9-something something, tough-as-nails 82-year-old test pilot and 1960s Mercury program veteran Wally Funk became the oldest person to reach space, thanks to a successful flight of the Blue Origin:
An inspiration to many across the world, as well as those who know her best, Funk's life has revolved around flying: she has logged more than 19,600flight hours and has instructed thousands of pilots. Funk also has been a dedicated member of the Oklahoma City-based Ninety-Nines International Organization for Women Pilots since 1958.
Finally!!!
"She is the poster child of never giving up on your dream, never quitting, never allowing anything to stop you," said Funk's close friend and Ninety-Nine's International Director Monica Randolph-Graham.
Funk officially tops the previous age recordholder, John Glenn, who went up in a Shuttle at the age of 77. Somehow, wherever he is, I don’t think he'll mind.
CHEERS to today’s comforting words from Dr. Anthony Fauci. Oh, man...
CHEERS to high times in the upper chamber. This is it—today's the day we've all been waiting for. Today the Senate will take a crucial vote on a motion to start debating the motion to end the beginning of the debate to decide if debating a motion to debate is debatable, or if they should just move straight ahead with debating the motion to debate the motion to end debate right at the start. If all goes well, an infrastructure bill that doesn’t yet exist will be placed in one of three "shell bills," and senators will take turns trying to guess which shell the non-existent bill is under. (You can try this at home, it's great fun.) Then, for reasons yet to be made clear, the Republicans will all wink at Joe Manchin, who will leave after the chamber adjourns with an erection lasting more than four hours. God Bless our democratic-republic.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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Starfish walk using hundreds of tiny tube feet on the underside of their arms, as seen in this fascinating timelapse by Juliette Horn at the Frost Museum of Science. pic.twitter.com/UL8qDiFr4h
— Science is Amazing (@AMAZlNGSClENCE) July 19, 2021
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to a chamber that knows how to pass stuff. How's your state doing with divvying up its share of the $1.9 trillion in covid rescue/recovery funds that Democrats so generously passed last spring? Not blowing it all on cigarettes and booze and lottery tickets, I hope. Here in Maine, our Democrats in the legislature seem to have allocated wisely this week. The state Senate passed a measure that will now go to the House for final approval and then off to the governor's desk for a' signin':
The legislation sends large amounts of funding to a range of programs, government agencies, public colleges and businesses. It includes large boosts for student loan repayment grants for health care professionals, while also focusing on infrastructure improvements, especially broadband internet expansion for rural and other underserved communities in Maine.
As usual, whatever money's left over will be invested in the flannel futures market.
CHEERS to comeuppance. 47 years ago today, on July 21, 1974, the House Judiciary Committee approved two articles of impeachment against Richard "Okay, I Guess I Am A Crook After All" Nixon. That same day, he was giving a speech at a private home in Bel Air, California. Let's see... He talked about the host's fine tent. He talked about the struggle between Greece and Turkey. He talked about his trip to Egypt. He talked about some former administration officials. And then he toasted his audience with a fine whine:
"You wonder sometimes, and I am often asked, you know, how do you really take the burden of the Presidency, particularly when at times it seems to be under very, very grievous assault.
Let me say, it isn't new for it to be under assault, because since the time we came into office for 5 years, we have had problems.
Buh bye.
There have been people marching around the White House when we were trying to bring the war to an end, and we have withstood that, and we will withstand the problems of the future."
He forgot to add four crucial words: "...for 19 more days." Silly goose.
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Ten years ago in C&J: July 21, 2011
CHEERS to a fine ride and a good run. Th-th-that's all, folks! With the perfect landing of Atlantis earlier this morning, we officially conclude the Era of the Space Shuttle, an endeavor—that is to say, an enterprise—that was a real challenger of discovery for NASA, a project more difficult to pull off than finding the lost city of Atlantis or an honest Republican in the District of Columbia. Please remove your belongings from the seat pocket in front of you and the overhead storage bins, exercising caution as some items may have shifted during our 30-year journey. If you're connecting with a public-private space exploration program, please have a seat at Gate W8. We'll be boarding just as soon as the crew arrives and they build the spacecraft. Hope you brought plenty of stuff to read. And a sturdy butt cushion.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to second thoughts. I saw this Subaru ad for the first time Monday night, and was surprised to find out it's a year old. A gold squeaky star goes to whoever thought it up and then made it happen:
It’s no wonder that dogs drive Subarus more than any other brand. (But a word of caution: they swerve willy-nilly to go after shiny objects. Blinker optional.)
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Fox News viewers tear into Steve Doocy after he begs them to read Cheers and Jeers
Also erases memories of Watergate, the Iraq War, Hurricane Katrina, and the 600,000 victims of Covid-19. Now available with invisible bamboo fiber for gentle, dependable election stealing.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, May 19, 2021
Note: There are too many petitions flying all over the place and it's time for government to step in and bring some order to the chaos. Please sign the petition. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
5 days, eh.
Days 'til Victoria Day in Canada: 5
Date on which the Democrats' covid relief bill will order the start of monthly child payments: 7/15
Percent of the nation's parents who will receive up to $300 per month for each child under 6, and up to $250 per month for children between the ages of 6 and 17. : 88%
Estimated cut in child poverty as a result of the payments: 1/2
Percent of Democrats polled by PBS-Marist who say they do not plan to get vaccinated, compared to 41% of Trump cultists: 4%
Cost—per thousand board feet—of lumber, a surge of 406% from this time last year and an all-time high: $1,686
Number of homes the 84-turbine Vineyard Wind offshore wind farm will power when it's finished (Biden gave it the official OK last week):400,000
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Mid-weekRapture Index: 188 (including 5 plagues and 1 prick for The Lord). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
CHEERS to bad news for Little Marco. Apparently it's official: Democratic Congresswoman Val Demings is taking on Marco Rubio to be the next junior senator from Florida:
While other Democrats have declared their candidacies in the race, Demings is the most high-profile contender. Rubio is planning to run for re-election for the seat, which he has served in since 2011.
Senator Val Demings (D-FL) has a nice ring to it.
Demings has served in the House since 2017, and her husband is currently the mayor of Orange County, Florida. Between 2007and 2011, Demings worked as chief of Orlando’s police department.
She received national attention last year when she served as an impeachment manager in the first Senate trial of former President Donald Trump over his efforts to pressure Ukraine to announce investigations into Joe Biden and his son Hunter.
If she can thread the needle of Republican gerrymandering, voter suppression, and outright cheating on the part of Rubio and his useful idiot the governor, she'll make an excellent senator. But unlike the rest of her colleagues, she'll have one unpleasant task now mandated by the state constitution: taking senior Florida Senator Rick Scott outside once a day and releasing him from his burlap sack to sun on a rock for two hours. Even more unpleasant: letting him do it under a heat lamp in her office on cloudy days.
CHEERS to lookin' out for the little guy. What a difference an administration makes. While his predecessor spent the government's legal resources on saving his own hide and those of his fellow crooks and cronies, President Biden is now focusing on legal resources for Americans who don’t own their own resorts and high rises, or print their own money:
President Biden is [taking] executive action to boost access to legal services and the legal system for low-income Americans after government-led initiatives largely went dormant during the Trump administration.
Mr. Biden's presidential memorandum is the latest step taken by his administration to advance racial equity and joins his requested $1.5 billion for grants to bolster state and local criminal justice systems, including for public defenders.
Also on the to-do list: re-opening the office that "expands and improves access to lawyers and legal assistance," which got shuttered a few years ago by then-AG Jeff Sessions, who now spends his days de-winging flies and sittin' on a porch swing sewing secret encrypted messages into confederate battle flags. If he's a good boy the nurse lets him have pudding on Thursdays.
JEERS to the Boy Wonder's bubbleheaded blunder. On May 19, 1992, Vice President Dan Quayle cited Murphy Brown as a poor example of family values. Said Ken Tucker back then in Entertainment Weekly:
Dan Quayle's spleen venting about the way Murphy Brown subverts family values is only the most direct expression to date of a notion that has gained in intensity over the past decade—that TV has some sort of obligation to present only ''positive'' examples of family life, that any portrayal of something other than the happy nuclear clan is detrimental to our American way of life.
She won. He lost.
But TV isn't an arm of social policy or government propaganda; it has no more responsibility to be upbeat and positive than do, say, poetry or the theater. ...
Someone pour Quayle a glass of cold milk, please.
Isn't it nice to know that the Republican party has come so far in its thinking over the last 29 years? (You may commence smirking at will.)
CHEERS to folks who did more than just make nifty furniture. On today's date in 1774, the first Shakers, led by Ann Lee, sailed to America from England. During the Revolution they refused to fight and were jailed, making them our newborn nation’s first conscientious objectors. I looked it up and there are two remaining Shakers. Both live in Maine. I’m parachuting one into Israel and one into Palestine to sort that shit out. Don’t worry—I’ll feed the goat.
JEERS to unsolved mysteries? And lo, there appeared unto the planet this development in free-market capitalism:
A man in Texas is suing Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle company Goop Inc. over a vagina-scented candle that he says "exploded" and became "engulfed in high flames" after burning for a few hours. …
[I’ll spare you an accompanying photo.]
A warning on the vagina-scented candle advised users not to burn it for more than two hours, according to its listing on Goop's website.
I don’t know what's more fascinating about this story—that there's such a thing as a vagina-scented candle, or that nowhere in this story does NBC News question whether the candle does, in fact, smell like a vagina. I suppose they're saving that bit of investigative journalism for an upcoming sweeps-week episode of Dateline.
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 19, 2011
JEERS to talking out of your ass. Former U.S. Senator and current GOP presidential contender Rick Santorum says that John McCain doesn’t understand how torture works. McCain responded that he knows all about how torture works. He added that it usually starts when Rick Santorum picks up a microphone.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to lording over our domain. In the entire universe of intelligent, common-sense-endowed, freedom-loving, patriotic, thoughtful, compassionate, and hard-working arbiters of justice, democracy, and good taste in the progressive world, guess who rules benevolently from the top of Mount Awesome according to infallible tracking site Feedspot? The purveyors of politics, pooties and pie, that's who:
Liberal Political Blogs List. The Best Liberal Political blogs from thousands of top Liberal Political blogs in our index using search and social metrics. Data will be refreshed once a week.
1. Daily Kos
Daily Kos, a brainchild of blogger Markos Moulitsas, is one of the oldest political blogs on the Web and it is unashamedly liberal. It gets about 25 million hits a month and has thousands of readers commenting every day. Expect a lot of heated discussions here.
Frequency 12 a day.
Facebook fans 1.3 million
Twitter followers 291.8k
This can mean only one thing: I think we’re gonna need a bigger fridge in the break room.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"I think it’s important that we model our ministry after that of Bill in Portland Maine. We want to try to bring healing kiddie pool water to people’s bodies, and we can do that through Cheers and Jeers."
In the previous POTUS’s naturalization video, he barked out a message about “loyalty” and “assimilation” to new American citizens before heading up to his bedroom for an afternoon of rage-tweeting against immigrants. I like the new guy’s message better:
Note: Today is C&J's annual Random Religious Objection Day. How it works is, you each get to draw one random religious objection from the God Jar and adhere to it all day long. It’s fun! I'll go first. [Draws from God Jar] It says your carbon dioxide exhalation goes against my sincerely-held religious beliefs. See you in court, breathers!
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By the Numbers:
16 days!!!
Days 'til Earth Day: 16
Percent of Americans polled by AP who approve of President Biden’s job performance: 61%
Minimum number of America’s largest corporations, including FedEx and Nike, that paid no federal taxes last year despite billions of dollars in profits, according to The New York Times: 55
Years since Holland became the first country to legalize same-sex marriage: 20
Number of countries where same-sex marriage is now legal: 28
Estimated number of Maine children who will be lifted out of poverty, thanks to the Democrats' American Rescue Plan: 15,000
Amount Speaker Nancy Pelosi raised in two days during her latest recess—her biggest 48-hour haul ever: $6 million
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Meanwhile, the other puppies are in the kitchen drinkin’ all the beer…
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CHEERS to jobs jobs jobs jobs jobs. The hills are aliiiiive...with the sound of paychecks! Yes, folks. Though we've still got a ways to go, the Biden recovery rolls on and last week brought more good news. The latest weekly jobless-claims report says first-time unemployment claims are at their lowest month-to-month level since March of 2020, and the previous week's report was revised down by 26,000. Then there's Friday's monthly employment report: a whopping 916,000 jobs created in March and the unemployment rate is at a 13-month low of 6 percent:
The hiring and employment data, released Friday by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, firmly beat economists' predictions of 675,000 positions added. Totals were revised upward for January by 67,000 to 233,000 positions and for February by 89,000 to 468,000.
Wow—even the Bureau of Labor Statistics logo is rebounding.
Sectors critical to economic recovery saw some of the biggest gains: The construction sector added 110,000 jobs, leisure and hospitality posted 280,000 new positions, and bars and restaurants added another 176,000.
The most vulnerable area of employment as of this writing: the Matt Gaetz sector.
JEERS toone big hot mess. Did you hear about this? It's just about the worst thing imaginable. There's a steady leak of toxic sludge pouring through a gaping hole down in Florida—awful radioactive stuff that, if allowed to go unchecked, will turn into an out-of-control gusher that could make the state's already perilous threats (pandemic, rising sea levels, golf cart wars at The Villages) look tame by comparison. Engineers are trying to figure out how to stop the flow of slimy ooze, but the only surefire course of action, of course, is to remove it entirely and dispose of it so that it can never threaten the state like that again. But enough about Governor Ron DeSantis's mouth. Have you heard about the toxic phosphogypsum pond that's about to burst?
CHEERS to little reminders. Forty-one years ago today, Post-It Notes were introduced by 3M. The road to market was a textbook case of serendipity. Little-known fact: A Post-It Note will play a central role in archiving our 45th president’s accomplishments at the Donald J. Trump Presidential Grift Shop:
Took Oath. Broke Stuff.
Got impeached twice. Lost. Pouted.
Died. Buried along with his name. Nobody came.
Meanwhile 83 years ago, in 1938, Roy Plunkett invented Teflon. It has saved many a meal...and many a presidency.
CHEERS to great moments in synthetics. On April 6, 1869, the first form of plastic—celluloid—was patented. 152 years later, the talking heads at Fox News swear by it for their almost-lifelike appearance. Memo to Sean Hannity: time to order another case—you're sagging again.
CHEERS to following the bouncing balls. Now that the final shots have been made into the—to use Ted Cruz's term—basketball ring, we can now announce the victors in 2021's NCAA greedy money grab posing as wholesome college basketball tournaments. The men's championship belongs to Baylor, and the women of Stanford showed Arizona the business end of a slam dunk...by one point.
Show-off.
And now that this year's March Madness is all over (in April, yes, thank you, we're aware of that), it's time to take the final step: you must now pour your shredded brackets into a bowl and eat them. [Munch Munch Munch…gulp.] We'll speak no more of it.
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 6, 2011
JEERS to number crunching…and squishing and squashing and making up altogether. The Republicans unveiled their latest budget yesterday. The cocktail-napkin formula: destruction of social safety net + extraction of America's soul + screw the least among us + bestow gold and jewels on the richest among us – regulation x barely-concealed sadism = a rainbow in every back yard and a unicorn in every garage. But only if you squint hard enough and chew enough peyote.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to 13 years in the winner's circle. It's a well-established fact that C&J's "Who won the week" poll, introduced this week in 2008, is considered America's 500-pound gorilla of weekly polls. Every Friday we pluck a gaggle of worthy candidates from the previous seven-day news cycle and affix them to their place of honor on the front page. The candidate who gets the most votes wins. Period. No electoral college here—fuck that.
I can't remember what inspired me to create the first one, but today it's a feel-good feature that stands shoulder-to-shoulder with such time-honored American traditions as stickball, setting pies on window sills to cool, and following Republican shitbags with competent and popular Democratic presidents. As we leave behind the first quarter of 2021, let's take a moment to review the winners from January through March, which is also a good time to review the slate of accomplishments our 46th president and the first woman vice president have achieved in the wake of an insurrection during a killer pandemic and in spite of unified opposition:
Jan 8 "All of the above" related to the people who thwarted the attempted Republican coup and the Democrats taking control of the Senate.
Jan 15 U.S. Capitol Police Officer Eugene Goodman, for steering a Republican mob away from the Senate chamber door during the insurrection, buying time and saving lives
Jan 22 All of the above, related to the Biden-Harris inauguration
Jan 29 President Biden: signs massive orders on climate, covid, criminal justice; reverses trans military ban; 56% approval; announces re-opening of Obamacare marketplace; and the dogs have arrived!
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Each Daily Kos WWTW poll winner gets a free fat-melting belt massager. True fact: President Barack Obama has 84 of them. Pope Francis, believe it or not, has six.
Feb 5 Team Biden-Harris: Firing Trump's embedded cronies in droves; honors memory of Capitol Police officer Brian Sicknick at Capitol; frees up billions in Puerto Rico aid; and covid response is full steam ahead
Feb 12 The impeachment managers—Reps. Raskin, DeGette, Cicilline, Castro, Swalwell, Lieu, Dean, Plaskett, and Neguse—and their staffs for their devastating January 6 timeline of Trump's insurrection
Feb 19 The glorious nerds at NASA, successfully landing the Perseverance rover near the Jezero Crater on Mars
Feb 26 New York prosecutors, as the Supreme Court deals a catastrophic loss to Donald Trump by green-lighting the handover of his tax returns
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Mar 5 Team Biden-Harris: speeds up vaccine avail goal by 2 months; invokes war Powers Act to forge Merck/Johnson & Johnson vaccine production alliance; supports Amazon union organizers; approval honeymoon continues in mid-50s
Mar 12 Team Biden-Harris: signs order to expand voter access and election information; 100 million vaccine pledge ahead of schedule; 1st address to nation is a hit; and signs Rescue Plan Act into law
Mar 19 Team Biden-Harris: barnstorms for Rescue Plan Act; now favors talking filibuster; 60%-plus approval; completes 100-million shots in only 58 days; nominates 3 for USPS Board (pack your bags, Louis DeJoy)
Mar 26 Team Biden-Harris: vaccine program kicking butt; aces 1st press conference; extends open-ACA enrollment through August; lowest jobless claims since pandemic began; and the dogs are back!
Biden is certainly coming out of the gate hot, but he's got a ways to go to beat the all-time champ. "Senator" Barack Obama won our first poll in 2008, and by the time he left office as president he'd won 84 polls voted on by the Daily Kos community, making him indisputably first in the hearts of our countrymen. Sorry, George Washington, nothing personal—we're just not into your "uniformity in weights and measures" shtick anymore.
Have a winning Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"There is nothing more dangerous than a reckless asshole who thinks he is smarter than everyone else. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Bill in Portland Maine.”
Every now and agin' we revisit our daily C&J polls ("Crosstabs? We don't need no stinkin' crosstabs") and post the results of some of the notable ones to expose the inner workings of the Great Orange Mind. Here, in no particular order are some from the first quarter of 2021:
» Jan. 5 (one day before the Republican insurrection):100 percent of you believe Republicans would've immediately filed impeachment charges against a Democratic president if he got caught on tape coercing a state Secretary of State to steal an election, as Trump did with Georgia's.
» March 24: Ban assault weapons and high-capacity magazines? Yup, say 97 percent of you.
Continued...
» Jan. 18: It did not surprise94 percent of the Daily Kos community that the amount of election-related misinformation online dropped by over 70% when Trump was banned from Twitter.
» March 1: A resounding98 percent believe President Biden should listen to tribal leaders and conservationists by dismantling parts of the border wall built circa 2017-2021 that encroach on vulnerable ecosystems and tribal lands.
» Jan 13: When it comes to the 75-day gap between election day and inauguration day, 72 percent would definitely shorten it, and another 17 percent are open to the idea.
C&J poll results are sent to this processing center, where they’re folded, spindled, mutilated, and turned into lunches for motivational seminar attendees at Holiday Inns.
» Feb. 18: How stupid is it for Texas to maintain a power grid separate from the rest of the country just to avoid federal safety regulations? According to 94 percent of you, “beyondstupid.”
» March 23: A Heritage Foundation lawyer says D.C. doesn't deserve statehood because residents there already influence Congress with their yard signs and bumper stickers. You'll be happy to know that 99 percent of you disagree with that.
» March 9: When it comes to how we greet each other in a post-pandemic world, 59 percent favor a societal phase-out of the handshake in favor of the fist- or elbow-bump. 23 percent disagree.
» Feb. 16: Only 1 percent of you unpatriotic heathen bought a mattress on Presidents’ Day.
» March 30: What??? Only 13 percent of you rated President Biden's infrastructure plan as "good"? Yes. Because 35 percent were busy rating it "excellent" while another 42 percent were rating it "Wow!"
» And on March 15, 66 percent of you believed we should abolish polls that ask you what you think of Daylight Saving Time.
As always, we bow to your superior ability to have opinions on stuff.
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, April 5, 2021
Note: Please (remember]; Only you can help preven&t punctuation, a’buse?
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By the Numbers:
Starts a week from today.
Days 'til the start of Ramadan: 7
Biden's and Trump's average approval among all polls by this point in their presidencies, according to FiveThirtyEight's daily calculation: 54%, 39%
Number of major companies, including target, Snapchat, and Uber, who issued a statement Friday warning Republicans not to f*ck around with Americans' voting rights: 100
Percent of Republicans polled by Pew in 2018 and 2021, respectively, who believe it should be as easy as possible for Americans to vote: 48%, 28%
Percent of Democrats polled by Pew in 2018 and 2021, respectively, who believe it should be as easy as possible for Americans to vote: 84%, 85%
Number of bridges in Pittsburgh, more than any other city in the world (3 more than Venice):446
Female! African American! Native American! LGBT! South Asian! And a few white dudes, too, because the government is an equal-opportunity employer.
What can we say? Eat yer heart out, Ikea.
CHEERS and JEERS to another week on Planet Covid. As we have for the last year, here we go again with another weekly check of the latest coronavirus numbers for the historical record, courtesy of the tote board of woe. Worldwide now: over 131 millioncases, and our domestic death toll exceeds the population of America’s 32nd-largest city Albuquerque, New Mexico (if there's any good news in our U.S. city comparison, it's that we won't reach the population of #31 Milwaukee for several weeks):
1 year ago: 288,000 confirmed cases. 7,000 deaths
6 months ago: 7.7 million confirmed cases. 215,000 deaths
On Saturday: 4.1 million doses.
3 months ago: 21 million confirmed cases. 360,000 deaths
This morning: 31 million confirmed cases. 567,000 deaths
And here's some welcome news: the CDC says that if you're fully vaccinated you can travel freely again. Thank god, because after 14 months I really gotta go to the bathroom.
CHEERS to Great Moments in Medicine. On April 5, 1933, the first operation to remove a lung was performed by Dr. Evarts Graham at Barnes Hospital in St. Louis, Missouri. Unfortunately the patient was just there to visit his grandmother, but the point is: Progress!
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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This device makes it so you never have to share an airplane seat armrest again pic.twitter.com/o6Ry1UwzQv
CHEERS to today's edition of Golly, That Was Easy. NBC News:
Iran and the major powers in the agreement to keep Tehran from developing nuclear weapons said Friday they are ready to welcome the return of the United States.
Any “return by the U.S. to the nuclear deal does not require any negotiation and the path is quite clear,” Iran's nuclear negotiator said.
This has been today's edition of Golly, That Was Easy.
CHEERS to nighttime sparklies. Now I know why our moon and all the planets and stars in the galaxy practice safe social distancing from us: we're crazy!!! But that can't stop the universe's most obnoxious parasites—that would be us—from gazing up and marveling at all the conquering we have yet to do. The elves at NASA always let us in on the big celestial events for the month, and here’s a look at April’s sky-watching tips, including the ongoing planetpalooza, Leo's heart, and the Belt of Venus:
And remember: if you're sharing binoculars or a telescope, be sure to wipe 'em down before you pass 'em to the person six feet from you. Or else the ghost of Copernicus will come down while you're sleeping and give you a purple nurple. (Trust me.)
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 5, 2011
CHEERS to ”Four more years! Four more years!” How fun to be able to chant that for the first time in close to two decades. Feels good. I thought for a brief moment that President Obama might go Polk on us and only serve one busy busy busy term, but, naaah…he's not gonna give up the toughest job he'll ever love. So color me happy. And color the advertising agencies, consultants and media outlets who'll share in his $1 billion war chest the happiest color of all: green.
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And just one more…
Me at my first typewriter circa 1968. I taught Woodward and Bernstein everything they know.
CHEERS to 16 years of front-page silliness. On April 5 in The Year Of Our Lord 2005, sixteen months after our debut in the Daily Kos diaries, this little column got promoted to the front page by Keyboard Kingpin Markos Moulitsas, who was clearly in the middle of a judgment-clouding bender. He suggested that C&J would be a nice morning wake-up feature for the blog’s readers—the east-coasters especially, given that most of the front-page contributors back then lived out west and slept in past noon, leaving the site in limbo for hours.
What happened the first time I used the keys to the front page is now the stuff of legend. I posted C&J from my desk at work, then went to a meeting, then went to lunch, then came back to find an email from Kos asking me why I did something horrible with my html formatting (remember those days?) that stretched the front page margins across three time zones. You could almost see his arm reaching through the pixels to strangle me. I'm happy to say that's the one and only time I broke the blog, and I shall carve the accomplishment on my tombstone.
Through the years C&J has helped humanity weather the Iraq War, the Katrina catastrophe, the Great Recession, the presidency of—I swear this is true—failed businessman Donald Trump, and a global pandemic. But, hey, how about them Obama years, and now the Biden Recovery! So whether you're a long-time splasher or a relative newcomer, thank you for reading and supporting this snarky little pimple on the blogiverse's butt. I promise to continue focusing on the liberal issues you care about in a serious and sober manner. Just as soon as I run out of fart jokes.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
”Cheers and Jeers is big, dumb fun that should be read in the biggest kiddie pool you feel comfortable with. ”
President Biden's raging narcissist predecessor couldn’t have cared less who his vice president was. Mike Pence was just the whitest dim-bulb human bobblehead Jesus freak his handlers could find, and in the end he was so disposable to the MAGA cult that his boss had no qualms sending a mob to the Capitol to hang him. Feel the love.
What a difference a change in administration makes. Over the weekend Tommy Christopher posted a column at Mediaite on the emerging dynamics between Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris. It's a quick, positive read, and confirms what we've all been seeing with our own eyes:
Continued...
Since taking office, the VP has been a fixture at the President’s side, “the last one out of the room,” as Biden says, and that dynamic is evident in the many photos that feature Biden in settings that presidents often handle solo—bill signings, Oval Office photo ops—with Harris right there as well.
Joe and Kamala meet to discuss immigration last week.
This imagery alone is a thrilling message to every American who sees themselves or their daughters in Kamala Harris’ firsts—first woman, first Black woman, first South Asian woman to serve as vice president—secure in the knowledge she won’t be the last.
But Harris’ place at Biden’s side is more than symbolic, and this past week underscored that.
From being the first to comment publicly on the recent twin mass shootings, to taking the point on border issues, the vice president is fully engaged and immersed in the goings-on. But that didn’t keep a clickbait-obsessed CNN reporter from asking last week if Joe would keep Kamala on the ticket in 2024 (“I would fully expect that to be the case” responded Joe), prompting Mr. Christopher to end his column this way:
Yes it was a silly question, worthy of the mockery it received since no president ever (no real president) could possibly have answered differently, but the real answer was in Biden’s eyes, just as it is every time he talks about his VP, and she him. And whether the media is paying attention or not, to their supporters it is a beautiful thing.
Note: April fool!!!!! Ha Ha Ha Ha, I got ya. April Fool isn’t until tomorrow. You’ve been so owned, I can’t believe you fell for it. Also I put cream cheese in your shorts a day early. Haaaaa Ha!!! —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Starts tomorrow!!!
Days 'til Jazz Appreciation Month: 1
Days left in President Biden's first 100 days:30
Date to which the CDC has extended the National Eviction Ban: 6/30/21
Percent efficacy of the Moderna and Pfizer vaccines in a real-world setting, according to a new study released by the CDC: 90%
Americans polled by Gallup who believe more resources should be devoted to developing solar and wind power, respectively: 72%, 66%
Percent of dust in the home that consists of shed human skin and hair: 70%
Amount of time you spent as a single cell: ½ Hour
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Mid-weekRapture Index: 188 (including 5 nuclear nations and 1 sold-out line of Satan Shoes). Soul Protection Factor 666 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
CHEERS to order in the courts. He's tackling the Covid-19 pandemic with the stamina of a guy half his age. He's rebuilding America's reputation around the world with a diplomatic surge staggering in proportion. He's prepping the economy for an explosion in growth. Today—Live from Pittsburgh!—he's rolling out the most aggressive infrastructure overhaul in eons. And yesterday our 78-year-old speed demon president Joe Biden went all Zowie! Powie! KaBam! in the judicial arena, nominating more federal judges to the bench than his four predecessors had by this time in their presidencies by a factor of five. And the word uniting them: diversity…
President Biden on Tuesday announced plans to nominate 11 judges to the federal courts, including D.C. District Court Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson to replace former D.C. Circuit Court Judge Merrick Garland, who is now U.S. attorney general.
Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson. Our next Supreme Court justice? [Shakes Magic 8 Ball] Maybe!
The nominees include three Black women and, if confirmed, could result in the first Muslim federal judge in the country's history, the first AAPI woman to serve on the D.C. District Court, and the first woman of color as a federal judge in Maryland, according to the White House. […]
The nomination of Jackson will likely spur discussion about a potential nomination for the Supreme Court. Biden has said he will nominate the country's first Black female justice, and the D.C. Circuit Court to which Jackson is nominated is often viewed as a stepping stone for the highest court.
Read the official White House announcement here. Thanks to filibuster reform that Daily Kos's own David Waldman (aka KagroX, host of Kagro in the Morning) spearheaded during the Obama years, these nominees—and all of his others—should sail through with a 51-vote majority. And Republicans: I think you know where you can stick your "blue slips" this go-round.
P.S. Speaking of the wheels of justice, the trial of Derek Chauvin got underway Monday. He's the Minneapolis Police officer who knelt on George Floyd's neck for 9 minutes, killing him, according to all the videos that show him kneeling on George Floyd's neck for 9 minutes, killing him. The trial is expected to last for weeks, during which all questions will be answered except for one: why the hell is this open-and-shut case lasting for weeks???
CHEERS to keeping the faith (to yourself). The downward spiral of participation in organized religion continues in America, as a combination of church leaders behaving badly, outdated dogma (insert "got run over by my karma" joke here), and unwashed rabble with more important things to do lead to empty pews and dwindling coffers. And Gallup's latest number is, well, holy moly, Batman...
Americans' membership in houses of worship continued to decline last year,dropping below 50% for the first time in Gallup's eight-decade trend. In 2020, 47% of Americans said they belonged to a church, synagogue or mosque, down from 50% in 2018 and 70% in 1999.
“Jesus, can I see you in my office please?” —Angry God, after seeing this chart
U.S. church membership was 73% when Gallup first measured it in 1937 and remained near 70% for the next six decades, before beginning a steady decline around the turn of the 21st century.
Golly. I'm worried. If the bajillion different gods humankind has come up with over the millennia to scare humanity into unquestioning obedience ever decide which one of them will be the one to smite us for going rogue like this, we're in big trouble.
P.S. You have a speck in your eye! Ha Ha look at that speck! I mock you and your eye speck! Sincerely, Log Man.
CHEERS to champions of the little guy. Happy 94th birthday to the late Cesar Chavez. He founded the National Farm Workers Association, which gave a voice to migrant farm workers. He also had a spiffy motto that might sound familiar: "Si sepueda!" (Yes we can!) These days we could use all the Chavezes we can get. Pay your respects here. Today in his honor: total boycott of lettuce and grapes.
JEERS to the return of the king. Apparently our once-elected, twice-impeached 45th president is back online with a new web site. And its rollout is going about as competently as you'd expect:
Former President Donald Trump launched a new official website Monday, which says it is dedicated to preserving his “magnificent legacy”—apparently by cutting him out of several photos on the site’s landing page.
What an improvement.
The site comically crops Trump partially or completely out of several of the photos. For example, only Trump’s chin is visible in the photo of his meeting with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un in the DMZ.
Thus answering the question: what happens when Daddy-in-Law refuses to hire any support staff for Jared?
CHEERS to fun in the sun. On March 31, 1917, the U.S. took possession of what are now the U.S. Virgin Islands (not to be confused with the inferior British Virgin Islands) from Denmark for $25 million. Residents there—who are considered U.S. citizens—are allowed to vote in presidential primaries but not the general election. Which is like your parents giving you a scoop of freezer-burned vanilla ice cream on your birthday while your siblings get a big bowl of Chunky Monkey with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, nuts, Oreos, and gummi bears wrapped in hundred-dollar bills. Damn. I thought I'd blotted that day out. Time to ring up my therapist on Zoom again.
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 31, 2011
CHEERS to bad news for Republican jerks. I remember reading an article by Chris Hayes at The Nation a couple years back warning the world that Rick Scott would be one of the most destructive and opportunistic governors in Florida history. Florida voted him into office anyway. And now they apparently have buyers' remorse…big time:
Scott's approval rating is just 32% while 55% of voters in the state are unhappy with his work so far... [2010 Democratic loser] Alex Sink leads Scott 56-37 in a hypothetical rematch. Independents say they would vote for her by a whooping 32 point margin at 61-29 and even 21% of Republicans now say they'd vote for her, more than twice the 10% level of GOP support exit polls showed her winning in November.
I don’t know what the impeachment rules are down there, but you Sunshine Staters need to follow Billy's new Pottery Barn Rule: You Bought Him, You Break Him.[3/31/21 Update: And now he's a senator. One thing you can always count on in Republican Land: failing up.]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to one last look. Just to make sure we weren't punk'd yesterday, let's check in a final time with the skipper of the container ship Ever Given and its cargo of all the world’s toilet paper for the rest of 2021 to see if it's really smooth sailing again in the Suez Canal:
Hooray. And we all lived—and wiped—happily ever after.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
”Our kids are being told that Cheers and Jeers is not only okay, it's ‘exclusive.’ But do you know what's more exclusive? Their God-given kiddie pool.”
Not sure if this has been posted here yet or not, but it’s an excellent primer by Elizabeth Warren on why the filibuster needs to be encased in cement and dropped off a pier. (I know of many excellent ones here in Maine.) Enjoy and share…
A golden age of hugely-popular, badly-needed Democratic policy awaits. Ditch the damn thing.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, March 24, 2021
Note: Remember—only YOU can prevent preventive measures. So don’t! —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
4 days ‘til this moon “worms” it’s way….into your heart.
Days 'til the full "worm moon": 4
Percent of Americans polled by Ipsos who say they've heard someone blame the pandemic on Asian people: 25%
Percent in the same poll who believe professional athletes make a positive impact when they speak out on issues of racial inequality: 58%
Percent of women and men, respectively, polled by Gallup who approve of the job President Biden is doing: 62%, 45%
Number of senators—17 Democrats and 14 Republicans—still in office who served with Biden in the chamber: 31
Percent of Mainers who are fully vaccinated: 17%
Median price of a single-family home in Maine, up 13% from a year ago: $245,000
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Mid-weekRapture Index: 188 (including 2 date settings and 1 White House agenda served up from the pit of Hell—like, literally). Soul Protection Factor 16 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
CHEERS to the Jedi Justice League of Caped Super Friends Avengers. Zowee!!! Poweee!!! Ooof!!! Thwock!!! Before they could even start dismantling the inaugural scaffolding, President Biden had assembled a team of A+ cabinet nominees, and now they're all in place (Marty Walsh aced his Labor Secretary test Monday in the Senate) and ready to get their agencies humming again after four years of being run by swamp rats. Huffington Post says that, despite the initial delay, the speed at which Biden got his team through the Senate was impressive. Thanks in big part to the special elections in Georgia and Chuck Schumer's deft handling of the proceedings, Joe ended up…
…racking up more votes and winning confirmation faster than Donald Trump’s nominees. […]
True fact: Biden’s cabinet, seen here, is the first one in history to have cloaking devices.
And despite a Democratic Senate majority that is two seats smaller than the 52-seat Republican majority in 2017, a time-consuming impeachment trial and a delayed handover of power, Biden’s Cabinet nominees have received 73 votes on average, compared with an average of 70 for Trump’s presidential picks. […]
The GOP’s strategy countering Biden’s nominees was haphazard and initially constrained by Trump himself, who refused to concede the 2020 election for months after he lost. Republican lawmakers―and their messaging apparatus―were essentially frozen in pushing back against Biden’s earliest announced picks for fear of acknowledging he won the election.
There are still some lower-level nominees who will sail through, but the big dawgs are in place and ready to rock. Which leaves us with only four words playing on an endless loop in our head: bring on the judges.
P.S. I was going to say how hilarious it is that McConnell's opposition failed because he was too busy being forced to gargle Trump's balls, but I figured you're probably eating breakfast as you're reading this, so I decided not to include the McConnell gargling Trump's balls line. Message: I care.
CHEERS to going BIG, Part 2. Having completed his Herculean lift of passing his $1.9 trillion covid relief plan, President Biden is eyeing his next signature effort to get our atrophying republic back on track. Instead of one Infrastructure Week, he wants hundreds of them, one right after the other—trillions worth of them, if you please:
An infrastructure package would include roughly $1 trillion for roads, bridges, rail lines, electrical vehicle charging stations and the cellular network, among other items.
Hey. Eyes on your work, fella.
The goal would be to facilitate the shift to cleaner energy while improving economic competitiveness. A second component would include investments in workers with free community college, universal pre-kindergarten and paid family leave.
On Monday, the House Energy and Commerce Committee debated a $300 billion-plus measure to invest in drinking water, broadband and other priorities. On Thursday, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg is set to appear before the Transportation and Infrastructure Committee. Next week, the Senate Finance Committee is scheduled to release a white paper revisiting the overseas tax code as a way to pay for some of the spending.
And this just in: according to the white paper I sent to the White House on behalf of the BiPM household, the first project to get the green light should definitely be a bullet train that goes from Portland, Maine to Key West in four hours with no stops for ten bucks, with a Chippendales butler serving a fine selection of food and spirits to our exclusive suite that has a hot tub and IMAX theater. Because as I always say, it's all about jobs, jobs, jobs.
JEERS to the other modern-day black plague besides covid. Thirty-two years ago, at 12:04 am on March 24, 1989, Captain Joseph Hazelwood was dreaming happy dreams when his tanker, the Exxon Valdez, was running aground and spilling 11.3 million gallons of crude all over Prince William Sound. After three decades of false promises to "put things right" and endless legal wrangling on the part of the oil giant to minimize its liability, a simple lifting of most any shoreline rock reveals that the damage is still readily apparent. Conservation writer Tim Lydon wrote on the 30th anniversary:
Dig a shallow hole into certain beaches along Alaska’s Prince William Sound and you will still find oil from the 1989 Exxon Valdez spill. As your shovel scrapes through gravel, the crude will mix with the water seeping into the small hole.
32 years later.
The first time I did this was nine years ago, while visiting researchers studying the spill’s lingering impacts. Holding an oil-stained stone in my gloved hand, my mind flashed to March 24, 1989, when I first heard the news that the Exxon Valdez, a 300-meter tanker, had run aground on Bligh Reef. […]
As the spill recedes into a more distant past and climate change accelerates, it becomes harder to tease out the disaster’s continuing effects. Less debatable is the lingering damage to the area’s wilderness resource, specifically amid the 8,000 square kilometers of western Prince William Sound that fall within America’s largest congressionally designated wilderness study area. With oil beneath beaches, certain species unrecovered, abandoned structures, and garbage still present, the wilderness remains injured.
In fact, time has pretty much elevated a theory into a law as immutable as anything Newton ever came up with: the only thing you can trust an oil company to do is something terrible.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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Shoutout to this teacher that took his Kindergarten class on a virtual field trip to the zoo. Teachers are SO underpaid. pic.twitter.com/cyj8OCiXnB
JEERS to America: land of the guns, home of the gun nuts.
What happens in the wake of the massacre in Newtown Aurora Binghamton Tucson Santa Barbara Charleston Lafayette Roseburg Kalamazoo Orlando Alexandria Las Vegas Parkland Benton Pittsburgh Thousand Oaks Aurora Poway Highlands Ranch Virginia Beach Gilroy El Paso Dayton Midland/Odessa Fresno Milwaukee Atlanta etcetera etcetera etcetera Boulder, Colorado (ten dead at a supermarket—lone gunman with an AR-15) is depressingly predictable: The community will grieve. Gun control advocates will wisely suggest that this might be a good time to review our federal and state firearms policies so that our nation's shameful record of gun violence might be improved upon. The president will offer words of comfort. Flags will be lowered to half-staff. Republicans will blame Democrats for the carnage and urge every living soul and their pets to arm themselves to the teeth, and the NRA will insist it's "too soon" to talk about gun control as they continue scaring politicians into looking the other way by informing them that, "We'll be scoring you on your response." Like I said, predictable. Depressingly.
Sorry, but due to the pandemic this is as close to Nova Scotia as I’m legally allowed to take you.
CHEERS to those meddling maple leafers. On today's date in 1837—78 years before our Supreme Court finally cleared a "theoretically"-unobstructed path to the voting booth—the ever-sensible Canadians gave black people the right to vote. It happened in Nova Scotia, where government-designated black communities were settled. And although they still weren’t fully included in government decision-making, it gave them the impetus to develop their own ideas on leadership. During the next century Canada would beat us by two years in letting the womenfolk cast ballots. But when it comes to putting idiots on the ballot, our Republicans clean their clock.
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 24, 2011
CHEERS to a severe case of dedication. In the tsunami-swamped town of Ishinomaki, Japan, editors of the daily local newspaper found themselves in a quandary: no electricity meant no newspaper. But as chief reporter for the Ishinomaki Hibi Shimbun said, "People who suffer a tragedy like this need food, water and, also, information." So the staff got busy creating an edition of the newspaper by hand:
For a few days at least, the printed and handwritten word were in the ascendant. After writing and editing articles, Takeuchi and others on staff copied their work onto sheets by hand for distribution to emergency relief centers housing survivors of Japan’s worst-ever earthquake and deadly tsunami that followed.
Reminds me of how the Washington Times creates their papers every day. Except they copy GOP talking points. And they're only allowed to have crayons.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to smiles for miles. The giddy goblins who put together the annual list of the happiest countries on earth have released their latest list. You can already surmise that the cranky old US of A, whose Founding Fathers only gave us the right to pursue happiness as opposed to actually having it, did not come in first place. Nor did we come in second place. Or third. Or fourth. Or… Oh, screw it, this is taking too long...
Finland has once again defended its coveted title as the world’s happiest country. It marks the fourth year in a row the Nordic nation has claimed the top spot, even amid a pandemic that has shaken the world.
Despite the catastrophic effects of the COVID-19 pandemic in all areas of life, many of the highest-ranked countries in terms of overall happiness have remained at the top of the list, according to the 2021 World Happiness Report, released Friday, the day before the International Day of Happiness.
The Finns are obviously the happiest people on earth because they have the cleanest forest floors.
The report focuses primarily on the relationship between well-being and the pandemic, which made collecting responses from around the world particularly challenging. The editors note that on top of the pandemic's terrible toll of 2.6 million deaths worldwide, people all over the world are also dealing with greater economic insecurity, anxiety, stress, challenges to mental and physical health and an overall disruption of every aspect of daily life.
And where does the United States fall on the happiness list? Um…[scroll scroll scroll]…[scroll scroll scroll]…Number 14. But that’s actually up from #18 last year. Mainly because President Biden changed our national motto back to “E pluribus unum” from the previous guy’s “The beatings will continue until morale improves.” It’s the little things.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"Believe me, if it were possible to fatally overdose on Cheers and Jeers, I’d be a heapin’ midden of candy corn-infused mulch right now. But it’s just not."
"When I’m sometimes asked when will there be enough [women on the Supreme Court], and I say, ‘When there are nine,’ people are shocked. But there’d been nine men, and nobody’s ever raised a question about that."
—Ruth Bader Ginsburg
"If men were angels, no government would be necessary."
—James Madison
"Nationalism is an infantile disease. It is the measles of mankind."
—Albert Einstein
Continued…
"My favorite line belongs to an old Irish woman taxi driver in Boston. Flo Kennedy and I were in the backseat talking about Flo’s book, Abortion Rap, and the driver turned around and said,'Honey, if men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.' I wish I’d gotten her name so we could attribute it to her.”
—Gloria Steinem
"Nixon is the kind of guy who, if you were drowning twenty feet from shore, would throw you a fifteen-foot rope."
—Eugene McCarthy [Also applies to Trump]
The birthday Speaker said it all without saying a word.
"When I was 40 and looking at 60, it seemed like a thousand miles away. But 62 feels like a week and a half away from 80. I must now get on with those things I always talked about doing but put off."
—Harry Belafonte, now 94
"My folks came to the U.S. as immigrants, aliens, and became citizens. I was born in Boston a citizen [and] went to Hollywood and became an alien.”
—Leonard Nimoy
"If Attila the Hun were alive today, he'd be a drama critic."
—Edward Albee
“Like the other immigrant groups, the day will come when we win the economic and political rewards which are in keeping with our numbers in society. The day will come when the politicians do the right thing by our people out of political necessity and not out of charity or idealism.”
—Cesar Chavez
“Who hasn’t had a weight issue? If not the body, certainly the big head.”
—Aretha Franklin
If you celebrate a birthday in March, we wish you many blessings on your camels. And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, March 17, 2021
Note: For all your paper clip needs, we strongly recommend paper clips. Quality you can see, dependability you can trust, and now value priced at only, let’s say, $1,400.
—A message from the American Paper Clip Marketing Council
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By the Numbers:
29 days.
Days 'til Tax Day: 29
Percent of Americans polled by CBS-YouGov who approve of Biden’s job as president: 62%
Percent who approve of Joe's handling of the pandemic: 67%
Percent of members of Congress who haven’t been vaccinated yet: 25%
Amount that the American Rescue Plan will allocate to the Shuttered Venue Operators Grant program, which will help live entertainment venues stay open: $1.25 billion
Percent by which Goldman Sachs predicts the economy will grow this year: 8%
Number of cannabis shop applications currently waiting to be approved by the City of Portland, Maine: 31
CHEERS to America's new Interior designer. Let's see: the two Interior Secretaries under the previous president were an oil and gas industry lobbyist and this walking Corruption 101 textbook.To them, American lands were to be chewed up and spit out. So it makes the confirmation of President Biden's Interior Secretary, Pueblo of Laguna Native American and 35th-generation New Mexican Deb Haaland, literally a transition from evil to good. Very, very, very good:
"I just think about my son and how he's going to be able to visibly see someone who looks like him, someone who comes from his same community, who is at that level," said Valerie Siow, an educator and Laguna Pueblo Native. "Sometimes I can't even believe it." […]
You can call her Madam Secretary.
"A lot of people don't really understand the relationship that Indigenous people to this country have had with the federal government. There's a whole history of broken treaties, of land for forced removal of our people," she said. "It's kind of hard to explain outside of Indigenous circles but our way of life is so connected to [the land]," she said. "The land always calls us home."
Haaland's confirmation, Cajete believes, "gives her the power to be able to right some very deep wrongs to Native tribes." Along with the acreage itself come concerns about stewardship, about air, land and water quality.
I don’t know why Republicans are freaking out over Secretary Haaland's confirmation. They should love her. After all, she's following their ideological playbook: after all the damage her predecessors did, she’ll be spending most of her time standing athwart history yelling "Stop!" (I’m guessing with a few well-placed cuss words thrown in.)
JEERS to the least surprising development of the day. Remember that Republican "shaman" in the horns and carrying the spear who took part in the Capitol insurrection on January 6th? Remember how he and his mom told 60 Minutes that he was innocent because the Capitol doors were open so he felt he could walk in to spread his "positive vibes"? Yeah, well, the judge reviewed video footage and you'll never guess:
Senior Judge Royce Lamberth, a Ronald Reagan appointee, narrated what the footage showed. “Not only is defendant unable to offer evidence substantiating his claim that he was waved into the Capitol, but evidence submitted by the government proves this claim false.
Just spreading the love, man.
“The government’s video shows that defendant blatantly lied during his interview with 60 Minutes+ when he said that police officers waved him into the building,” Lamberth added. “This video confirms that defendant did not, as defense counsel claims, enter the building ”contemporaneously with the exiting by Capitol Police.” […] Nor did he enter, as defense counsel represents, in the ‘third wave’ of the breach. To the contrary, he quite literally spearheaded it.”
It's a good thing Mr. Whipple isn’t alive to see this. He hates it when people squeeze the shaman.
CHEERS to favorite First Couples. Today is the wedding anniversary of Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt. They were married on March 17, 1905 in New York:
The 20-year-old bride was escorted down the aisle by her uncle, then President of the United States, Theodore Roosevelt.
FDR knitted. Who knew???
The ceremony took place at the New York City home of Eleanor’s great uncle and aunt, Edward and Margaret Livingston Ludlow. The reception took place next door at the home of her cousin, Susan Parish. Though no photographs of the day are known to exist, several artifacts from the wedding are in the FDR Library’s museum collection.
So, uh…what do you get a 139-year-old man and a 137-year-old woman on their 116th anniversary? If they're still actually walking the earth after all this time, I'd say the #1 thing on their list would probably be: "Braaaaains..."
CHEERS to happy endings. Look up "Honor and Integrity" in the dictionary, and you'll see…well, nothing, because honor and integrity are two different words with their own separate listings and….oh, damn me and my tangents. The point is, the Vindman brothers—Alexander and Eugene—are honor and integrity personified, and they got absolutely shafted by Trump for, respectively, telling the truth and being the brother of the guy who told the truth. And with Trump now relegating to scaring the guests at Mar-A-Lago, the good karma is coming home to roost:
Lt. Col. Yevgeny "Eugene" Vindman, who was fired last year from his job in the Trump White House after he raised concerns about the former president's dealings with Ukraine, says he is set to be promoted to a full colonel.
Vindman is the twin brother of Alexander Vindman, who was a key witness in the Ukraine impeachment inquiry. The brothers were both Army officers serving on the National Security Council when they raised concerns about former President Donald Trump's phone call to Ukranian President Volodymyr Zelensky in July 2019. […]
Both men were sacked from the NSC days after the conclusion of the impeachment trial and escorted out of the White House.
Conversely, with any luck, New York prosecutors will see to it that Trump is soon be demoted to full inmate.
CHEERS to the wearin' o’ the green beer. St. Patrick's Day is today and C&J extends a hearty "Begosh 'n Begorrah" to all our Irish and/or Irish-ish readers. My blood line is Swiss ("Is that the Matterhorn in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Ha ha ha, I kid. It’s really an Alpine horn."), so I'm totally neutral about St. Patrick's Day. But since the parades appear to be canceled again, we bring you the following 15 seconds of copied-and-pasted mirth:
Have you heard about the Irish boomerang? It doesn't come back, it just sings songs about how much it wants to.
Moments later, a flock of seagulls ended the brief St. Patrick’s Day blimp era.
There's a new Irish restaurant being built in town. They're going to serve gourmet 7-course Irish meals. Everyone who comes in gets a potato and a six-pack.
On St. Patrick's Day, Americans are expected to drink over 13 million pints of Guinness. To give you an idea how much beer that is, go outside and look at the sidewalk.—Seth Meyers
What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
Paddy O'Furniture.
Remember: if someone walks up to you today and shouts “Lá Fhéile Pádraig sona duit!”, the proper response is, “Don’t move. I’m calling the CDC.”
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 17, 2011
CHEERS to the power of denial. So here's what I know about the situation in Japan: a massive earthquake hit, which was quickly followed by a killer tsunami that made what Moses did to Ramses look like a squirt gun fight. Then the nuclear plants started blowing up and catching fire which is really bad but, amazingly, not "yet" quite as bad as it sounds, unless they can't get water to cool down the nukular rods in which case... That's when I closed my eyes and stuck my fingers in my ears and things seemed to quiet down significantly. This is BiPM reporting live from under my bed. Back to you, Chet.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to my secret accomplice. I can admit it, now that Lou Ottens, the inventor of the cassette tape, has reached the end of Side B at age 94. (Plus I assume the statute of limitations will keep me out of the hoosegow.) When I was a teenager I'd sneak a cassette recorder into movie theaters and record my favorite scenes—notably the Battle of Hoth from The Empire Strikes Back and the face-melting scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark—so I could re-experience them through a hard plastic earpiece in glorious mono. I'm amazed I never got caught. Then there were the endless mix tapes and, when I pursued radio as a career, air check tapes. I had stacks of those little faux-leather briefcase-style cassette holders all over my apartment, and still have a bunch of 'em in storage. So this morning we doff our cap to Mr. Ottens, sad in the knowledge that whatever ailed him couldn’t be spliced back together with a sliver of Scotch tape:
When the first plastic cassette tape made its debut at a 1963 electronics fair, it boasted the slogan, “Smaller than a pack of cigarettes!” Ottens specifically designed the cassette to be tiny enough to fit in a jacket pocket, in part because he found other tape models to be unnecessarily large. “I got annoyed with the clunky, user-unfriendly reel-to-reel system,” he said years later. “It’s that simple.” […] All told, over 100 billion were sold worldwide.
RIP, guy who invented this.
As noted by music journalist Marc Masters, who is writing a book about the history of cassette tapes, the original prototype that Ottens’ team invented was created as “an opportunity for journalists or nature lovers to make sound recordings outside,” not as a way to listen to popular songs. “The very first one, we said, well, speech is good enough,” said Ottens. “Then we came to the conclusions that [the sound quality] was much better than we had anticipated. We said, if it’s made for music, we should have 30 minutes per side.” And thus, the cassette tape as a portable album was born.
His casket will be larger than normal so he'll have enough room to flip over every 30 minutes.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"Bill in Portland Maine is Boring—and it's Driving Daily Kos Crazy
Note: In Cheers and Jeers you no longer have to wash your hands. Chet lost a bet yesterday, so for the next two weeks he'll wash them for you. Add 50 cents and he’ll toss in a dab of lotion.
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By the Numbers:
25 days!!!
Days 'til Easter: 25
Percent of Americans polled by Monmouth University who say they're satisfied with the way the vaccines are being rolled out: 60%
Percent in the same poll who have confidence that Joe Biden can put the country on the road to recovery from the pandemic: 73%
Increase in the Dow Industrials the Monday after the Covid relief bill passed the Senate, reaching an all-time record thanks to Joe Biden's leadership: 306 points
Expected unemployment rate by the end of the year, according to a Goldman Sachs forecast released this week: 4% or lower
Average cost of a gallon of gas: $2.77
Number of post-election challenges on behalf of Trump that are still pending in the Supreme Court after they booted one Monday: 0
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Mid-weekRapture Index: 189 (including 5 food supply threats and 1"respected prophet" who was a bit off the mark). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
CHEERS to the graph that saved a nation. Want to see what the United States of America gets for electing a Demon Rat president and a Demon Rat House and a Demon Rat Senate? With final House passage (today?) of the American Rescue Act of 2021 and President Biden's signature (Friday?) on it, the full force of the federal government's purse—aka the taxpayers' money—will finally, finally goddammit, usher in an era of trickle-up economics. Paul, would you please be so kind as to remind us...
As the Nobel Prize-winning Krugman told Chris Hayes Monday night: “I’m pinching myself wondering if this is some kind of dream, because we really are responding more or less adequately to the crisis at hand." Thus explaining, in one sentence, why Republicans ran away from it as fast as they could.
CHEERS to lowering the bar (but not inside actual bars, please). The CDC, now back on its feet doing sciency stuff after the previous president turned it into a propaganda outlet for snake oil, has deemed the pandemic to be just under control enough to issue new guidelines that allow a bit more socializing:
People who are fully vaccinated against Covid-19 may safely gather with small groups from other households without wearing masks or physically distancing, even if those people have not yet had their shots, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said Monday.
Joe and Kamala: making America safe for hugs again.
It is the first federal public health guidance aimed at resuming some kind of normal activity for people who have received both doses of the Pfizer or Moderna shots or one shot of the single-dose vaccine from Johnson & Johnson. A person is considered fully vaccinated two weeks after the final dose, giving the body time to build antibodies against the virus. […]
"this is very welcome guidance," said a former acting director of the CDC, Dr. Richard Besser, president of the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation. "This opens the door for grandparents to meet with their children and grandchildren without masks, indoors, for a nice group hug."
And here's more good news: CDC says that if you're vaccinated you can now go back to punching Nazis with your bare fists as long as you wash your hands afterward. (But, as always, don’t let 'em bite ya or you'll need a tetanus shot.)
CHEERS to reaching out and touching someone. 5 Exeter Place. Boston, Massachusetts. March 10, 1876. Thomas Watson receives the first telephone call. On the other end: Alexander Graham Bell. On Watson's next credit card statement: five magazine subscriptions, a life insurance policy, and a dozen MyPillows. Smooth operator, that Alex.
CHEERS to another rat fleeing the ship. Well, this is a new headache the red-hatted cult doesn’t want or need:
Sen. Roy Blunt, R-Mo., said Monday that he will not seek re-election in 2022, becoming the fifth Republican senator to announce plans to retire at the end of the current Congress.
Oops. Wrong blunt. But, hey, since it’s lit…..
Blunt’s decision to retire comes as members of the Republican Party struggle to figure out their next steps in the wake of Donald Trump’s loss in the 2020presidential election. It also follows the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol and Blunt’s vote to acquit the former president following the House’s second impeachment of him.
Democrats, of course, are salivating at the opportunity to pick up an unexpected seat next year. The search for a candidate will start in earnest after both Claire McCaskill and Jason Kander bowed out of the running. As for the Republicans, they plan to go in a completely different direction this time around. Instead of a bigoted, obstructionist, fact-averse Trump suckup, the Missouri GOP machine will look for a bigoted, obstructionist, fact-averse Trump suckup who wears a different brand of socks. My god, I wonder if they'll survive all the infighting without leaving teeth all over the floor.
JEERS to magic tricks of yore. On March 10, 1629—it seems like only yesterday, doesn't it?—England’s King Charles I dissolved Parliament. Innocent mistake, really. He thought he was opening the fridge for some chilled kippers and it turned out to be the Ark of the Covenant. Thoughts and prayers.
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 10, 2011
JEERS to going after them that's different. Popcorn alert! Rep. Peter King (R-NY) will hold hearings tomorrow to figure out why the scary Muslims in America feel the need to be so gosh darn scary, brown, and Muslim. Ooh! Ooh! I think I know the answer! Because scary, white, and Christian was already taken?
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And just one more…
CHEERS to hole foods, part deux. Last month we brought you the latest list of the best doughnuts on Planet America. Now it's the bagel makers' turn in the spotlight, and once again Maine is right in the thick of it:
Forage, which has locations in Lewiston and Portland, is on the list, as are Scratch Baking Co. in South Portland and Rover Bagel, which returned to Biddeford in late January after being closed for about a year.
The list of 39 bagel shops includes spots in New York, of course, but also places in Ohio, Texas, and even North Dakota. But the magazine said Mainers are “absolutely spoiled” with good bagels, adding that there “probably should have been more” Maine bakeries on its list.
You'll notice that not a single Trump resort or hotel restaurant made it on the list, and there's some disagreement as to why. The tasters say it's because their bagels kinda suck. Trump, of course, tells a different story: he thinks he's the a victim of a Schmear campaign.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Ignore What Potential 2024 Presidential Candidates Say. Watch What Bill in Portland Maine Does.
