He’ll Be Here All Week
And unfortunately all rest of the year...
Tip your server anyway.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, July 8, 2020
Note: Wash your hands. Now wash 'em again. And again. Faster! Faster! Hotter! Hotter! Feel the burn! And again! And again! Okay. Good job, team. Now hit the showers.
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the general election: 118
Year that whipping posts stopped being used in Delaware: 1952
Date the last whipping post was removed: 7/1/20
Estimated number of adults in the U.S. who have been subjected to some form of"ex-gay" conversion therapy, according to UCLA's Williams Institute: 698,000
Percent chance that the White House condemned the Confederate flag when asked to do so during Monday's press briefing: 0%
Number of new signups for Disney+ last weekend, when Hamilton dropped: 513,323
Length of the 2 hour, 40 minute Hamilton if it were sung at the pace of other Broadway shows: 4-6 hours
Mid-week Rapture Index: 184 (including 4 leadership vacuums and 1 concrete Christ SAVED by the anti-Christ). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
Puppy Pic of the Day: A brief lesson in gravity…
CHEERS to cause for concern. Maine Senator Susan Collins' brows are furrowed good 'n deep this week, after getting the news that her reelection prospects are circling the drain along with her reputation. She's trailing likely Democratic challenger Sara Gideon (our primary election is next week) by four points, and here's why, according to gold-standard pollster PPP:
Collins continues to be unpopular, with only 36% of voters approving of the job she’s doing to 55% who disapprove.
Collins has been an electoral powerhouse over the years because of strong appeal beyond the Republican base but that’s over for her—she has just an 8% approval rating with Clinton voters now to 87% who disapprove of her.
Even just over a year ago she still had 32% approval from Clinton voters but her impeachment vote was the end of that.
Democrats have become a massive voting bloc up here, with 40,000 new registrations over the last four years, now outnumbering Republicans and the non-affiliated for the first time in a generation. But it gets better. This is what you call eleven-dimensional chess:
It may turn out that by bringing impeachment forward Nancy Pelosi won Democrats control of the Senate because of the way Collins’ vote has effectively shut off the bipartisan appeal she had for years.
Remember how Daily Kos delivered 10,000 roses to Pelosi when she reclaimed the Speaker's gavel? If things go according to plan, Chuck Schumer's gonna owe her a million.
CHEERS to today’s edition of This One Might Send Him Right Over The Edge. The Lincoln Project hits Donald Trump where all gaslighting tyrants are most vulnerable: his brain’s gigantic, throbbing paranoia lobe...
This has been today’s edition of This One Might Send Him Right Over The Edge.
JEERS to going out with a bing. Oh dear...when you're a fierce and legendary general who becomes President of the United States, it's gotta be a little embarrassing to die from eating bad fruit. But that's what happened 170 years ago this week to "#12" Zachary Taylor. I believe his last words were: "Bad cherries??? No effing way. Seriously, guys, this is a joke, right?" Sorry, dude—life is just a bowl of you-know-whats.
Pay your respects here. And then try to remember who succeeded him without going to the Google or the Wiki. (Hint: it wasn't Millard Fillmore. Oh, wait, yes it was. Crap...I meant to write Gerald Ford. Now you know why I’m not a professor.)
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to pulling the plug. Wow. This has not been a good week for the fossil fuel planet killers. First we found out that the Duke/Dominion Energy gas pipeline that would've threatened Appalachia was scrapped because of those meddling environmentalists and "economic factors." And now we find out that the Dakota Access pipeline has to be shut down and drained:
The rare shutdown of an operating pipeline marks a major win for the Standing Rock Sioux Tribe and environmental groups that have fought fiercely for years against the oil pipeline.
In its decision, the United States District Court for the District of Columbia vacated an easement granted by the US Army Corps of Engineers that allowed Dakota Access to build a segment of the pipeline beneath Lake Oahe in North Dakota and South Dakota. The court had previously ruled the Corps violated the National Environmental Policy Act when it granted the easement because it had failed to produce an Environmental Impact Statement. […]
"Today is a historic day for the Standing Rock Sioux Tribe and the many people who have supported us in the fight against the pipeline," said Mike Faith, chairman of the Standing Rock Sioux Tribe, said in a statement. "This pipeline should have never been built here. We told them that from the beginning."
The environmental impact statement will take over a year to write, which will be more than enough time for President Biden to take the oath, scrap the whole thing, and call it a day. And what about the emptied-out pipeline itself? Two words: water slide!!!
JEERS to unhelpful distractions. I knew this would happen. I've been saying since the beginning that when equal employment rights became the law of the land for LGBT Americans in all 50 states, the godless homosexuals would shirk the hurricane-making part of their gay agenda. Sure enough, over an entire month of hurricane season has gone by and check out the latest map from the National Hurricane Center:
Peaceful. Placid. No sign of mayhem anywhere. Just some buried pirate treasure on the Georgia-South Carolina border. Very disappointing. Consider this your written warning, gays: if this serenity lasts much longer, we're gonna take away your toaster ovens.
Ten years ago in C&J: July 8, 2010
JEERS to milestones we'd rather forget...but good luck with that! As of today the oil has been gushing from the Deepwater Horizon well for 80 days. Nothing particularly significant about that milestone except for the fact that it perfectly matches the number of times per day the average American mutters, "Fuck you, BP." The latest news from the gulf has nothing to do with the current gusher, but rather the shocking number of "temporarily abandoned" (i.e. not capped too tightly) wells that could lead to 3,500 additional gushers. But have no fear, Congress is on it:
[T]he General Accountability Office, which investigates for Congress, warned...that leaks from offshore abandoned wells could cause an "environmental disaster." The report stated: "MMS does not have an overall inspection strategy for targeting its limited resources to ensuring that wells are properly plugged and abandoned."
You might be interested to know that the above GAO report was issued in 1994. And the punchline, courtesy of AP: "The GAO report suggested MMS set up an inspection program, but the agency never did." Course not. Too busy organizing their Christmas parties.
And just one more…
CHEERS to blowing this popsicle stand. Every time you go outside on a clear night you’re doing yourself a grave disservice if you don’t lookup and nearly choke on your face mask as you realize that the universe up there is pretty spectacular. The elves at NASA are also aware of this, so they always let us in on the big celestial events for the month. Here’s a look at July’s skywatching tips, including Mars and Jupiter pulling down their pants and mooning us, oh ha ha so funny:
By the way, the first possible launch date for the Perseverance Rover and its personal helicopter arrives in 22 days, on July 30th. Destination: Mars. And if all goes according to plan, Trump will follow the trail of hamberders into the cockpit and then everyone at NASA will share the Nobel Prize in Medicine for ridding the planet of its biggest parasite. (I’ve won six already, and I can tell you from experience: skip the ceremony and make a beeline for the Swedish-meatball buffet before King Harald cleans it out.)
Have a heliocentric humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Trump's misreading the map, looking for Electoral College votes in the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool