Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday

He’ll Be Here All Week

And unfortunately all rest of the year...

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Tip your server anyway.

Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, July 8, 2020

Note: Wash your hands. Now wash 'em again. And again. Faster! Faster! Hotter! Hotter! Feel the burn! And again! And again!  Okay. Good job, team. Now hit the showers.

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By the Numbers:

118 days!!!

Days 'til the general election: 118

Year that whipping posts stopped being used in Delaware: 1952

Date the last whipping post was removed: 7/1/20

Estimated number of adults in the U.S. who have been subjected to some form of"ex-gay" conversion therapy, according to UCLA's Williams Institute: 698,000

Percent chance that the White House condemned the Confederate flag when asked to do so during Monday's press briefing: 0%

Number of new signups for Disney+ last weekend, when Hamilton dropped: 513,323

Length of the 2 hour, 40 minute Hamilton if it were sung at the pace of other Broadway shows: 4-6 hours 

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Mid-week Rapture Index: 184 (including 4 leadership vacuums and 1 concrete Christ SAVED by the anti-Christ).  Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.

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Puppy Pic of the Day: A brief lesson in gravity…

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CHEERS to cause for concern. Maine Senator Susan Collins' brows are furrowed good 'n deep this week, after getting the news that her reelection prospects are circling the drain along with her reputation. She's trailing likely Democratic challenger Sara Gideon (our primary election is next week) by four points, and here's why, according to gold-standard pollster PPP:

Collins continues to be unpopular, with only 36% of voters approving of the job she’s doing to 55% who disapprove.

Feel the love.

Collins has been an electoral powerhouse over the years because of strong appeal beyond the Republican base but that’s over for her—she has just an 8% approval rating with Clinton voters now to 87% who disapprove of her.

Even just over a year ago she still had 32% approval from Clinton voters but her impeachment vote was the end of that.

Democrats have become a massive voting bloc up here, with 40,000 new registrations over the last four years, now outnumbering Republicans and the non-affiliated for the first time in a generation. But it gets better. This is what you call eleven-dimensional chess:

It may turn out that by bringing impeachment forward Nancy Pelosi won Democrats control of the Senate because of the way Collins’ vote has effectively shut off the bipartisan appeal she had for years.

Remember how Daily Kos delivered 10,000 roses to Pelosi when she reclaimed the Speaker's gavel? If things go according to plan, Chuck Schumer's gonna owe her a million.

CHEERS to today’s edition of This One Might Send Him Right Over The Edge. The Lincoln Project hits Donald Trump where all gaslighting tyrants are most vulnerable: his brain’s gigantic, throbbing paranoia lobe...

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This has been today’s edition of This One Might Send Him Right Over The Edge.

JEERS to going out with a bing.  Oh dear...when you're a fierce and legendary general who becomes President of the United States, it's gotta be a little embarrassing to die from eating bad fruit. But that's what happened 170 years ago this week to "#12" Zachary Taylor.  I believe his last words were: "Bad cherries???  No effing way. Seriously, guys, this is a joke, right?"  Sorry, dude—life is just a bowl of you-know-whats.

The last cherry stem tied by Taylor with his tongue is currently on display in the Smithsonian’s “Ick!” wing.

Pay your respects here.  And then try to remember who succeeded him without going to the Google or the Wiki.  (Hint: it wasn't Millard Fillmore. Oh, wait, yes it was. Crap...I meant to write Gerald Ford. Now you know why I’m not a professor.)

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What does the fox say? pic.twitter.com/FJwF98rAEI

� Animal Life (@animalIife) June 30, 2020

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CHEERS to pulling the plug. Wow. This has not been a good week for the fossil fuel planet killers. First we found out that the Duke/Dominion Energy gas pipeline that would've threatened Appalachia was scrapped because of those meddling environmentalists and "economic factors." And now we find out that the Dakota Access pipeline has to be shut down and drained:

The rare shutdown of an operating pipeline marks a major win for the Standing Rock Sioux Tribe and environmental groups that have fought fiercely for years against the oil pipeline.

Victory finally comes to the Dakota pipeline protesters who flooded D.C. in 2017.

In its decision, the United States District Court for the District of Columbia vacated an easement granted by the US Army Corps of Engineers that allowed Dakota Access to build a segment of the pipeline beneath Lake Oahe in North Dakota and South Dakota. The court had previously ruled the Corps violated the National Environmental Policy Act when it granted the easement because it had failed to produce an Environmental Impact Statement. […]

"Today is a historic day for the Standing Rock Sioux Tribe and the many people who have supported us in the fight against the pipeline," said Mike Faith, chairman of the Standing Rock Sioux Tribe, said in a statement. "This pipeline should have never been built here. We told them that from the beginning."

The environmental impact statement will take over a year to write, which will be more than enough time for President Biden to take the oath, scrap the whole thing, and call it a day. And what about the emptied-out pipeline itself? Two words: water slide!!!

JEERS to unhelpful distractions. I knew this would happen. I've been saying since the beginning that when equal employment rights became the law of the land for LGBT Americans in all 50 states, the godless homosexuals would shirk the hurricane-making part of their gay agenda. Sure enough, over an entire month of hurricane season has gone by and check out the latest map from the National Hurricane Center:

Peaceful. Placid. No sign of mayhem anywhere. Just some buried pirate treasure on the Georgia-South Carolina border. Very disappointing. Consider this your written warning, gays: if this serenity lasts much longer, we're gonna take away your toaster ovens.

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Ten years ago in C&J: July 8, 2010

JEERS to milestones we'd rather forget...but good luck with that!  As of today the oil has been gushing from the Deepwater Horizon well for 80 days. Nothing particularly significant about that milestone except for the fact that it perfectly matches the number of times per day the average American mutters, "Fuck you, BP."  The latest news from the gulf has nothing to do with the current gusher, but rather the shocking number of "temporarily abandoned" (i.e. not capped too tightly) wells that could lead to 3,500 additional gushers.  But have no fear, Congress is on it:

[T]he General Accountability Office, which investigates for Congress, warned...that leaks from offshore abandoned wells could cause an "environmental disaster."  The report stated: "MMS does not have an overall inspection strategy for targeting its limited resources to ensuring that wells are properly plugged and abandoned."

You might be interested to know that the above GAO report was issued in 1994.  And the punchline, courtesy of AP: "The GAO report suggested MMS set up an inspection program, but the agency never did." Course not. Too busy organizing their Christmas parties.

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And just one more…

CHEERS to blowing this popsicle stand. Every time you go outside on a clear night you’re doing yourself a grave disservice if you don’t lookup and nearly choke on your face mask as you realize that the universe up there is pretty spectacular. The elves at NASA are also aware of this, so they always let us in on the big celestial events for the month. Here’s a look at July’s skywatching tips, including Mars and Jupiter pulling down their pants and mooning us, oh ha ha so funny:

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By the way, the first possible launch date for the Perseverance Rover and its personal helicopter arrives in 22 days, on July 30th. Destination: Mars. And if all goes according to plan, Trump will follow the trail of hamberders into the cockpit and then everyone at NASA will share the Nobel Prize in Medicine for ridding the planet of its biggest parasite. (I’ve won six already, and I can tell you from experience: skip the ceremony and make a beeline for the Swedish-meatball buffet before King Harald cleans it out.)

Have a heliocentric humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

Trump's misreading the map, looking for Electoral College votes in the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool

NBC News

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Cheers and Jeers: Day Ending in Y

"He's #1! He's #1!"

George Washington may have been first in the hearts of his countrymen, but Donald Trump has accomplished a lot more firsts during his presidency, believe me...

First to enter office believing that America isn’t a great country First to never come close to majority approval in polling averages of the American people First to lie to the American people at a rate of over 6,000 times a year First to exchange love letters with the Butcher of North Korea First to take Russia's side over America's on virtually everything, including tacit approval of secret Russian bounties on the heads of U.S. troops overseas First to spend most of his presidency watching TV and golfing

Continued...

First to be elected for his business acumen, despite having lost more money than virtually any other person in American history

First to recommend bleach injections to stop a killer virus pandemic

First to do special favors for countries and corporations who spend money at his golf and sex resorts

First to have over twenty credible allegations of sexual assault or outright rape against him

He’s so proud.

First to edit (inaccurately) an official hurricane prediction map with a Sharpie

First to publicly defend Nazis as "very fine people" and approve of Americans shouting “White power! White power!”

First to snort crushed-up Adderall to (futilely) keep from mentally falling apart

First to break more commandments than any other president while refusing to ask forgiveness but being forgiven anyway by his religious base who believes he was literally chosen by God

First to base his policies on what three dimwit cable TV morning show hosts say

First to blow off his daily security briefings

First to paint his face orange and his lips and eye sockets pink

First to claim he "hires only the best people" while having the highest turnover rate of any president by a mile

First to walk around in public with toilet paper stuck to his shoe

Swell legacy. Suck on that, George.

And now, our feature presentation...

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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, June 29, 2020

Note: Here's the posting schedule for the week: Regular old crap through Thursday.  Then on Friday evening, around the same time Trump's fireworks are setting the forests around Mount Rushmore on fire, we'll step into our wayback machine for the annual reading of some really old crap: the very first C&J from July 4, 1776. Then we'll be off the following Monday.  Please adjust your space-time continuum accordingly.

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By the Numbers:

Homework’s due in 5 days!!!

Days 'til Independence Day: 5

Biden-Trump head-to-head numbers in Florida per Fox News polling: 49% - 40%

Biden-Trump head-to-head numbers in Florida among Hispanics: 52% - 35%

Public approval, per New York Times-Siena College polling, of the way Trump is handling race relations in the wake of the George Floyd murder at the hands of killer cops: 33%

Rank of the mid-Atlantic States (NY, NJ, PA), New England states, and Pacific states among those with the highest rate of mask compliance, according to Axios-Ipsos polling: #1, #2, #3

Percent chance that the south central region KY, TN, AL and MS are the area with the worst mask compliance: 100%

Rise in consumer spending in May: 8.2%

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend hangovers…

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JEERS to keeping count. The Covid-19 world tour marches on (10 million cases around the globe now, with 25% of them in the U.S.), and our macabre Monday tradition of maintaining a benchmark of the awfulness for the C&J historical record continues. Let’s check the most depressing tote board in the world with all due reluctance as cases spiral out of control in Republican-governed states like Florida and Texas because, true to form, they put money over lives:

10 weeks ago: 764,000 confirmed cases. 40,500 deaths.

5 weeks ago: 1.7 million confirmed cases, 99,807 deaths

PandemicFact rates this claim: TRUE.

Last week: 2.4 million confirmed cases, 123,000 deaths

This morning: 2.6 million confirmed cases, 128,000 deaths

Late last week Fortress Trump held its first Covid briefing in two months. Said beleaguered infectious disease specialist Anthony Fauci to the unmasked masses who believe mask-wearing is a Soros-funded mad dog plot to fill your lungs with chemtrails:

"You have an individual responsibility to yourself, but you have a societal responsibility. We have to realize that we are part of the process. We can be either part of the solution or part of the problem."

"Yeah, that’s great we’ll get right on it," said the Trump cultists as they briefly looked up from their pamphlet Being Part of the Problem for Dummies.

JEERS to looking ahead…poorly. President Trump really, really wants a second term in office. And, by god, he knows exactly what he wants to accomplish to cement his legacy as our greatest president in history. Behold the future vision of the world's most futuristic vision guy, as revealed to the American public late last week on Fox News:

"Well, one of the things that will be really great, the word experience is still good, I always say talent is more important than experience I've always said that, but the word experience is a very important word a very important meaning. I never did this before, I never slept over in Washington I was in Washington I think 17 times all of a sudden I'm president of the United States you know the story I'm riding down Pennsylvania Avenue with our First Lady and I say 'This is great' but I didn’t know very many people in Washington it wasn't my thing I was from Manhattan, from New  York, now I know everybody and I have great people in the administration.

How to second term pic.twitter.com/WTuH277sUA

� Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) June 26, 2020

You make some mistakes like you know an idiot like Bolton, all he wanted to do was drop bombs on everybody, you don't have to drop bombs on everybody you don't have to kill people."

And that reminds me: the National Association of Suicidal Grammarians will be gathering this evening to diagram that paragraph. Doors open at 7. Tonight's special: buy one cyanide capsule, get one free.

CHEERS to Ol' Shortypants.  James Madison, who at 5'4" holds the distinction of being the U.S. president with the lowest center of gravity, died in Montpelier, Virginia 184 years ago yesterday.

Also in Madison’s corner: a rather awesome missus.

He was the chief architect of the United States Constitution, and today he's rolling in his grave over the GOP's manhandling of it. The book Rating the Presidents (a survey of 700 historians and political analysts) sums up his legacy as one of "courageous leadership as president, guided by the principles of the Constitution, which he played so large a part in framing. All Americans owe him a great debt of gratitude." Pay your respects here. But don't tell him that Republicans are now using his sacred founding document as toilet paper. He’s got enough problems as head of the Dead Presidents Condo Association. (“Dammit, Polk. For the last time, get your stuff out of Calvin’s storage unit. and quit using LBJ’s parking space.”)

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Yes � pic.twitter.com/RCulCSaPW7

� Engineering (@engineeringvids) June 27, 2020

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CHEERS to cool science. You think Earth is a bit turbulent these days? Get a load 'o this:

A whopping 7.5 billion light-years from Earth, two black holes, each about the size of Long Island, rapidly spun around each other several times per second before smashing together in a cataclysmic explosion that sent shockwaves through the Universe.

Neighbor Gladys Higginbotham caught the collision on her smartphone.

Normally, violent unions like this are dark events, but astronomers think they saw a flare of light emerge from this celestial dance—potentially the first time light has ever been seen from black holes merging.

According to the researchers, the black holes are currently exchanging insurance information and have already been booked to settle their case on Judge Judy.

CHEERS to hittin' the road. Sixty-four years ago today, radical socialist (and probably Kenya-born) President Dwight Eisenhower signed the controversial Federal Highway Act, which authorized the construction of 42,500 miles of freeway from coast to coast. It wasn't an easy thing to accomplish:

Between 1954 and 1956, there were several failed attempts to pass a national highway bill through the Congress.

The main controversy over the highway construction was the apportionment of the funding between the Federal Government and the states. Undaunted, the President renewed his call for a "modern, interstate highway system" in his 1956 State of the Union Address.

Thanks, Ike!

Within a few months, after considerable debate and amendment in the Congress, The Federal-Aid Highway Act of 1956 emerged from the House-Senate conference committee. ... During his recovery from a minor illness, Eisenhower signed the bill into law at Walter Reed Army Medical Center on the 29th of June.

Soon after completion, parents got their first earful of "Are we there yet?? Are we there yet?? Are we there yet??" God bless America.

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Ten years ago in C&J: June 29, 2010

CHEERS to a fine reception.  Wow, I was very impressed with yesterday's proceedings.  It was civil, cordial, friendly, and when it was all over there was much back-slapping by both liberals and conservatives alike.  I almost couldn’t believe it.  I'm speaking, of course, of John Paul Stevens' final day at the Supreme Court:

The 90-year-old Stevens had the last word, telling the packed courtroom, "It has been an honor and a privilege to share custodial responsibility for a great institution with the eight of you and with ten of your predecessors."

Farewell, sir. Thanks for hangin' stickin’ around through the dark days of Bush-Cheney until the cavalry arrived.  Now go on...your tennis court is waiting.

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And just one more…

CHEERS to achieving the impossible. John Bolton’s book is 500 (or whatever) pages of opportunistic Trump shaming that should’ve been presented at the impeachment hearings, but is instead stuffed between two covers so the former mad bomber can pad his bank account. But i gotta say, Stephen Colbert thought of a valid way to make it palatable: two Boltons for the price of one...

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Also available on long-play cassette.

Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

Pence urges Americans four times to ‘pray’—but not once to read Cheers and Jeers Raw Story

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Cheers and Jeers: Monday

Thumbs Up

This month would've marked film critic Roger Ebert's 78th birthday. As it happens, over the weekend I bumped into an essay on race he wrote ten years ago last Saturday. This was after he'd lost his voice, a period during he which he wrote some of his strongest and most personal essays.

The spark that drove lifelong liberal Ebert (who grew up before the "Whites Only" signs had come down) to write How Do They Get To Be That Way? was an incident in Prescott, Arizona where local artists were ordered to lighten the skin of the kids in a school wall mural because the darker skin hurt the racists' feelings and they kept driving by and shouting racial slurs. The essay says nothing about the police, and yet it kinda says a lot about them and their Trump cultist supporters (Hi, Bill Barr) as we find ourselves in our current predicament. There's a snippet below the fold, but as the saying goes, every word is worth re-reading. 

Continued…

[W]hat about the people in those cars? … They don't think of the feelings of the kids on the mural. They don't like those kids in the school. It's not as if they have reasons. They simply hate. Why would they do that? What have they shut down inside? Why do they resent the rights of others? Our rights must come first before our fears. And our rights are their rights, whoever "they" are.

Not along ago I read this observation by Clint Eastwood: "The less secure a man is, the more likely he is to have extreme prejudice."  Do the drive-by haters feel insecure?  How are they threatened?  What have they talked themselves into?  Who benefits by feeding off their fear?  We have a black man in the White House, and I suspect they don't like that very much.  They don't want to accept the reality that other races live here right along with them, and are doing just fine and making a contribution and the same sun rises and sets on us all.  Do they fear their own adequacy?  Do they grasp for assurance that they're "better"—which means, not worse?  Those poor people.  It must be agony to live with such hate, and to seek the company of others so damaged.

I miss Roger.

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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, June 8, 2020

Note:  June is Inspect Your Bunker Month. If you don’t have an up-to-date inspection sticker on your top hatch (not mid-hatch or bottom hatch), you could be fined up to $250. A friendly reminder from your friends at…well, we could tell you but then we'd have to kill you.  Just inspect the bunker and we'll avoid any unpleasantness, okay? Okay.  —Mgt.

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By the Numbers:

82 days ‘til the March for Justice, coinciding with the anniversary of King’s “I have a dream” speech.

Days 'til the March on Washington to protest racism and policed brutality: 82

Trump's current approval rating among Catholics, according to PRRI polling, down from 60% in March: 37%

Percent of Americans polled by CBS News who are satisfied with the way Trump has dealt with the response to George Floyd's death in Minneapolis: 31%

Percent in the same poll who believe things in America are moving in the right direction: 28%

Actual likely U.S. unemployment rate, versus the “official” 13.3% rate due to an error in data collection, according to CNBC: 16%

Portion of the 2.5 million job gains in May that came from the restaurant and dentistry sectors: 2/3

Current matchup numbers for Mark Kelly (D) and Martha McSally (Moscow) in the U.S. Senate race in Arizona, according to Fox News polling: 50%-37%

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Monday…

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CHEERS to a busy, angry, peaceful, Trump-scorching weekend. If you're just coming off the mushrooms you dropped Friday night, here's some of what you missed:

  Huge and peaceful protests continued across the country and around the world (a slave trader went “toodles” in Bristol), notably at the Golden Gate Bridge (which now whistles), Philadelphia, and D.C., where "DEFUND THE POLICE" was added to "BLACK LIVES MATTER" on a street leading to the White House.

♡  New York City lifted its curfew a day early. Seattle’s mayor banned the use of pepper spray.

Please update your Rolodexes accordingly.

  Minneapolis's mayor was booed out of a protest because he wouldn’t commit to abolishing the police department in its current form and rebuild it from scratch. The city council plans to do it anyway.

  A second memorial service was held for George Floyd in Raeford, North Carolina. His funeral and burial in his hometown of Houston will happen tomorrow.

  Two Buffalo police officers were charged with assault for knocking down that 75-year-old protester and letting him lie there bleeding out of his ears.

  That bicyclist who assaulted a kid and two adults for putting up messages of peace along a fence in Maryland has been identified and charged with, 2nd-degree assault, and you'll never guess what!  He's awful sorry.*

(*…that he got caught.)

And with news that George W. Bush is on board the Biden Train, that means all of our living former presidents—who know firsthand what a pressure-cooker the job is and will typically defend one another through thick and thin—are planning to hoist their middle finger to Donald Trump in November. And also the ghosts of 35 of the 40 dead ones, according to my forthcoming book, Well That Was Weird.

CHEERS to the next president of the United States. He did it, folks. Friday night Uncle Joe crossed the finish line:

Joe Biden formally clinched the Democratic presidential nomination Friday, setting him up for a bruising challenge to President Donald Trump that will play out against the unprecedented backdrop of a pandemic, economic collapse and civil unrest. […]

Biden doing two things Trump never will: wearing a mask, and listening to black people. (Or anyone.)

Biden now has 1,993 delegates, with contests still to come in eight states and three U.S. territories.

Under normal conditions, I'd be holding my breath waiting for the media to seize on his every innocent gaffe as if it was the end of our republic. But then I remember that the guy he's planning to dislodge in November is actually trying to end our republic.  So now it would seem that Joe's the one who could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and still get elected. Strange times.

P.S. Remember the smear campaign against Joe's son Hunter that led to the president's impeachment for extorting favors from Ukraine to help swing the 2020 election? Ukraine investigators have cleared Hunter of any wrongdoing. What else ya got, Rudy?

CHEERS to hot Joe-on-Joe action. 66 years ago this week, during the Army-McCarthy hearings, attorney Joseph Welch quietly destroyed bedraggled, belligerent Republican Senator Joseph McCarthy (and his little brat lawyer Roy Cohn, who would later clutch Trump’s ankles for money) with the immortal words: "Have you no sense of decency,sir, at long last?  Have you left no sense of decency?"

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Within a couple years McCarthy was dead of alcoholism, and today his grave is guarded by a giant emaciated demon vulture.  Birds of a feather.

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This dude trolling the police with Star Wars - Imperial March is exactly the Twitter content I am here for today...pic.twitter.com/zh5R7zm70c

� Rex Chapman�� (@RexChapman) June 5, 2020

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JEERS to keeping count. Along with the millions who took to the streets over the weekend, the Covid-19 pandemic marched not-so-merrily along, and our macabre Monday tradition of maintaining a benchmark of the awfulness for the C&J historical record continues. Let’s check the most depressing tote board in the world with all due reluctance:

9 weeks ago: 288,000 confirmed cases, 7,000 deaths.

5 weeks Ago: 987,000 confirmed cases, 55,000 deaths.

1 week ago: 1.8 million confirmed cases, 106,000 deaths

This morning: 2 million confirmed cases, 112,000 deaths

On Friday the president, who’s getting terrible marks for dealing with the pandemic, visited a swab factory here in Maine. Afterwards they had to throw out all the swabs. Not because they were worried people would catch the coronavirus from them. They were worried people would catch the Trump from them.

CHEERS to great moments in dust busting.  Ives McGaffey of Chicago patented the first mechanical ("whirlwind") vacuum cleaner on this date in 1869.  It was a crude device—the butler sucked on a hose.

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Ten years ago in C&J: June 8, 2010

JEERS to putting the past behind us.  So, uh...you remember that itty-bitty li'l bump-in-the-road in Bhopal, India, during which over 2,000 people died instantly in 1984 when Union Carbide spilled a chemical that I believe was called Killitol?  It was in all the papers for awhile, but then it disappeared.  Well, it looks like justice has finally been served 25 years after the fact.  Seven former Union Carbide executives will be spending the rest of their lives behind bars (assuming they only have 2 years left to live), and be forced to pay a fine of one gazillion dollars (assuming that by "gazillion" you mean "2 thousand").  Case closed nothing to see here please move along.

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And just one more…

JEERS to stupid God tricks. Over the weekend, while you were sleeping, an asteroid the size of the Empire State Building plowed into Earth (no need to click on the link, you can trust me) instantly turning soil, water and our magma core to dust, but not before all carbon-based life forms were transmogrified into glitter. (Figure that one out, Einstein.)

Awww...it has Stephen Miller’s eyes. And misshapen head.

Suspecting this was going to happen, the Good Lord hired Microsoft to store a backup "Blue Marble" in the Cloud—updated in real time—that could instantaneously replace the old one if necessary. So as you rise and shine and wipe the sleepies out of your eyes, take a moment to realize that you're a perfect copy—thoughts, feelings, aches, pains, and everything else—of who you were just before the meteor did its dirty work. There’s one minor exception: thanks to inept Gary in Coding Bay J-7: you now have a new tentacle. Keep an eye on your email—they're working on a patch.

Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

“What Bill in Portland Maine needs—what we parents say when we are dealing with an intractable child, he needs a time-out.”

George Will

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Cheers and Jeers: Tuesday

Energize An Ally Tuesday

Are things getting better? No, they are not, and I only need two data points to reach this scientifically-validated conclusion: 1) Donald Trump is president and 2) President Donald Trump says things are getting better.

Current count: 1.6 million active cases and 92,000 deaths (the aforementioned goalpost-mover-in-chief says anything under 100,000 is a great victory, and also anything over 100,000 is a great victory, so take your pick.) Testing is nowhere near where it needs to be, a bunch of states are re-opening too fast, and unprotected MAGA yahoos are unhelpfully breathing all over everyone (though some are wising up and grudgingly issuing sorta-culpas after they get sick), and there still aren’t enough medical supplies.

Also: tens of millions of people are still out of work and struggling, and we've got a long way to go 'til things get better. That's why two additional organizations were recently added to the five hand-picked agencies officially supported by Daily Kos...

Continued...

And they are...

Farmworkers Pandemic Relief Fund

As COVID-19 spreads to our rural communities and pandemic impacts our food supply chain, many farmworkers, some of whom are undocumented and left out of the federal relief programs, are struggling make ends meet, while also protecting themselves and our food. All funds raised will go directly to farmworkers to help them purchase basic needs for their families, like groceries and hygienic supplies; pay for utilities and other expenses; and assistance to offset medical costs and to aid in purchasing medical supplies.

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The National Diaper Bank Network

Helps families fill their diaper needs. Before the coronavirus pandemic, 1 in 3 American families with young children reported that they were in need of diapers. There are no state or federal child safety-net programs that allocate dollars specifically for the purchase of diapers. The National Diaper Bank Network provides a resource to help alleviate this need.

These are in addition to the original five: One Fair Wage, Emergency Coronavirus Tipped and Service Worker Support Fund, the CDC Foundation, Feeding America, Meals on Wheels, and the National Domestic Works Alliance.

C&J is committed to continue shining the spotlight on these organizations who are the very definition of "essential." Since it's via ActBlue, you can make a donation to one group or mix and match, for which we, and they, thank you. Now more than ever our support is critical since it’s safe to predict more awfulness this week. (Because, again, you-know-who is in charge.) So if you have a few bucks to spare, any or all of these front-line relief organizations could really use the support. We shower your aura with many gratitudes.

And now, our feature presentation…

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Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, May 19, 2020

Note: Oh no. Jared just cracked a nail. Life is so unfair.

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By the Numbers:

6 days!!!

Days 'til National Wine Day: 6

Percent of Americans who believe God will protect them from the coronavirus, according to polling by University of Chicago Divinity School and The Associated Press-NORC Center for Public Affairs Research: 45%

Percent chance that Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is on Joe Biden's climate policy panel: 100%

Lines of attack against Joe Biden that were poll-tested by the RNC and failed to land with test audiences: 20

Minimum number of years China's economy grew before the virus stopped it: 40

Percent chance that "doing what feels good, what's convenient, is how little kids think," according to President Obama's televised commencement speech Saturday: 100%

Current zip code of Salem on Days of Our Lives: 06638

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Puppy Pic of the Day: A message we all need to hear…

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CHEERS to sayin' it loud and sayin' it plain. As the pandemic rages on, the popular-vote winner of the 2016 election has been watching the armed swarming of capital buildings in states that just *happen* to have Democratic governors, and she knows what she sees when she sees it:

Armed men storming a legislature to disrupt its democratic proceedings is domestic terrorism. It cannot be tolerated.https://t.co/NcCFgA5COE

� Hillary Clinton (@HillaryClinton) May 15, 2020

As many people have said, they only care about your “life” when you’re a blastocyst. After that, all bets are off and you’re one side-eye away from becoming cannon fodder. Truly God’s people—if god was a psychopath overcompensating for a very small wee-wee. 

JEERS to clods in cars. Speaking of protesters, a gaggle of unmasked mouth-breathers showed up at the state house in Augusta to drag their knuckles across the sidewalk and protest the unacceptable political affiliation of our governor Janet Mills. And guess who showed up? Her predecessor, Paul LePage, who turned Maine into the Alabama of New England for eight intolerable years. What a brave man to mingle so freely with the Covid-taunting protesters and their flying Covid spittle. Or…not:

Former Gov. Paul LePage, who recently returned to Maine from Florida, addressed a crowd of several hundred people in Augusta from inside a Lexus SC430 parked about 30 feet away. LePage remained in the car because he is self-quarantined, and his remarks were broadcast via cellphone.

True fact: in his previous life, Paul LePage was the lemming at the top of the cliff yelling, "Y'all go ahead and jump, I'll catch up later!"

CHEERS to staying out of the way. Over the weekend, Congressman Justin Amash of Michigan, a Republican-turned-independent who voted for Trump’s impeachment, announced that he's not launching a third-party bid for president:

Calling it a "difficult decision," Amash tweeted Saturday that he was ending his effort to be the potential nominee for the Libertarian Party.

"After much reflection, I've concluded that circumstances don't lend themselves to my success as a candidate for president this year, and therefore I will not be a candidate, " Amash said.

Also over the weekend, I announced that I released Justin Amash's dog unharmed.

P.S. One year ago this week, Amash became the first House (or Senate, for that matter) Republican to break free of the Trump tractor beam:

Here are my principal conclusions: 1. Attorney General Barr has deliberately misrepresented Mueller�s report. 2. President Trump has engaged in impeachable conduct. 3. Partisanship has eroded our system of checks and balances. 4. Few members of Congress have read the report.

— Justin Amash (@justinamash) May 18, 2019

Duly noted.

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In order to entertain his daughter who is bored during quarantine they go to the garbage every day together � wearing different costumes. Dads, bruh.���pic.twitter.com/pGLbgL2T77

� Rex Chapman�� (@RexChapman) May 17, 2020

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JEERS to early arrivals. The 2020 hurricane season—the one thing that the coronavirus pandemic managers can't seem to figure out how to close down—launched a surprise attack by arriving two weeks early. Tropical storm Arthur formed over the weekend and will rough up North Carolina's Outer Banks a bit, but no actual ravaging is expected. Here's the year's first appearance in C&J of the Splotch of WoeTM:

We hear President Trump is furious with the early arrival. All his hurricane Sharpies are still in storage.

JEERS to the Boy Wonder's bubbleheaded blunder.  On May 19, 1992, Vice President (and now proud passenger on the Trump krazy train, though in no official capacity) Dan Quayle cited Murphy Brown as a poor example of family values.  Said Ken Tucker back then in Entertainment Weekly:

Dan Quayle's spleen venting about the way Murphy Brown subverts family values is only the most direct expression to date of a notion that has gained in intensity over the past decade—that TV has some sort of obligation to present only ''positive'' examples of family life, that any portrayal of something other than the happy nuclear clan is detrimental to our American way of life.

She won. He lost.

But TV isn't an arm of social policy or government propaganda; it has no more responsibility to be upbeat and positive than do, say, poetry or the theater. ...

Someone pour Quayle a glass of cold milk, please.

Isn't it nice to know that the Republican party has come so far in its thinking over the last 28 years? (You may commence smirking at will.)

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Ten years ago in C&J: May 19, 2010

JEERS to the bamboozler.  Did you read about this jerk?  Goes to Bowdoin college here in Maine, gets booted for "academic dishonesty," then weasels his way into Harvard and bilks 'em out of 45 thousand bucks.  In fact, Adam Wheeler’s deception and greed were so pure and self-centered that, as soon as they got wind of him, Goldman Sachs and BP started a bidding war to bring him on board.

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And just one more…

CHEERS to art imitating life. If there's one government agency that's ripe for satire, it's Space Force. Lo and behold, the Netflix gods have made it happen, and with a dynamite cast that includes the late Fred Willard in his final role. Steve Carell is the hapless four-star general tasked with assembling the Buzz Lightyears of tomorrow, and let's just say he's going to have some challenges:

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Opens in ten days. Spoiler alert: Space Force turns out to be an uncoordinated, disjointed, money-wasting venture that drives its leaders crazy. Amazingly, that’s also what happens in the Netflix series.

Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

“More than anything, Cheers and Jeers has fully, finally torn back the curtain on the idea that Bill in Portland Maine knows what he’s doing.”

President Barack Obama

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Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday

You People Have Spoken…

Every now and agin' we revisit our daily C&J polls ("Crosstabs? We don't need no stinkin' crosstabs") and post the results of some of the notable ones to expose the inner workings of the Kossack mind. Here are some from the first quarter of this lousy-ass year. (Number of total votes is in parentheses):

» Republicans claimed that impeaching Trump in December would ruin everyone’s holiday. 99 percent of you disagreed. (4,571)

» As the coronavirus craziness ramped up, 86 percent supported replacing handshakes with Spock's Vulcan salute during the pandemic. (2,466)

» 90 percent of you say you can't remember an attorney general who devoted as much time to destroying the American justice system as Bill Barr is. (3,479)

Continued...

» On February 26th, 99 percent said the Trump administration's COVID-19 response was focused first and foremost on his financial interests and re-election prospects, a fact that remains true today. (3,488)

» President Trump claims he "stands stronger than anyone" when it comes to protecting Americans against discrimination based on pre-existing conditions. 98 percent of you correctly beg to differ. (4,590)

» 76 percent of you rated the Democratic impeachment trial managers' arguments "excellent," while 17 percent rated them "good" and only 8 percent rated them "fair" or "poor." (3,005)

C&J poll results are sent to this processing center, where they’re folded, spindled, mutilated, and turned into lunches for motivational seminar attendees at Holiday Inns.

» Among members of Trump's impeachment trial defense team, 36 percent thought Alan Dershowitz was the biggest jerk, followed by Ken Starr at 26 percent and Pam Bondi at 18 percent. (3,220)

» You really don’t want Iowa and New Hampshire going first again on the Democratic primary calendar. 92 percent of you say no way. (3,600)

» As of February 20th, 57 percent of you had "absolutely" made up your mind on which candidate you supported in the Democratic primary race. (3,764)

» 96 percent agreed that Trump should be quarantined to prevent his incompetence and malignant narcissism from helping further spread coronavirus disinformation. (3,538)

» And only 3 percent of you believe that Trump's daily coronavirus briefings should be broadcast live. The rest think journalists should have a chance to fact-check the claims made in them first because of the volume of lies and propaganda. (4,719)

As always, we bow to your superior ability to have opinions on stuff.

And now, our feature presentation...

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Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, April 8, 2020

Note: I've done some experimenting, and I can definitively say: Brillo Pad face masks are a bad idea. Too much rust. Thus, our #1 recommendation remains chicken wire across the face and securely fastened to the back of your head with super glue. It’s just science, folks.  —C&J R&D Dept.

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By the Numbers:

3 days!!!

Days 'til National Pet Day: 3

Number of states east of the Mississippi that don't have a shelter-in-place order, now that South Carolina finally enacted one (admittedly with loose exceptions): 0

Number of recent major Florida polls in which Donald Trump is ahead of Joe Biden, who leads him by an average of 6 points: 0

Percent chance Trump told Jonathan Karl during yesterday's press briefing that "you'll never make it": 100%

Percent chance that Jonathan Karl is a highly-paid reporter and the sitting president of the White House Correspondents Association: 100%

Amount the DNC has reserved for You Tube ads during the general election campaign: $22 million

Percent of people who have an extra rib, according to some web site: 8%

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Mid-week Rapture Index: 186 (including 5 globalisms and 9 red-caped loons fighting the most ominous threat facing our country).  Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.

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Puppy Pic of the Day:  Soda pup delivers the zin and the cab…

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CHEERS to endorsements that matter. When Congressman John Lewis speaks, people listen. Yesterday he spoke out in support of Joe Biden’s candidacy for president, and lit up social media:

Congressman John Lewis is a moral giant who has spent his entire life pushing our nation to live up to our highest ideals. I'm honored to call him a friend � and grateful to have him by my side in this battle for the soul of our nation. pic.twitter.com/kqwe6CGre1

� Joe Biden (@JoeBiden) April 7, 2020

Along with his endorsement, Lewis, the 38th member of the Congressional Black Caucus to endorse Biden, called for Joe to break new ground by choosing a woman of color to be his running mate. I couldn’t agree more. Saddle up, Oprah. Destiny calls.

JEERS to punching the hippies during a pandemic. Wisconsin's Republican-led legislature, backed by both the state and U.S. Supreme Courts, decided to legalize conspiracy to commit murder for a day yesterday, sending Badger Staters to the polls on Day 2 of what the Surgeon General calls "Coronavirus Pearl Harbor Week.”  All because they desperately wanted a conservative state Supreme Court candidate to win his election so that the GOP can further stick its slimy thumb on the scale of electoral rigging. And, at a cost of a number of lives yet to be determined, they likely got their wish, but not before the Republican Speaker of the Wisconsin House made a complete ass of himself:

"You are incredibly safe to go out" Republican @SpeakerVos tells his constituents, in full gown, gloves and mask. pic.twitter.com/c3wNVhWxew

� Justin (@JustinAHorwitz) April 7, 2020

So etch it in stone. As of April 7, 2020, Republicans are officially OK with the murder of innocent civilians—including some from their own party as collateral damage—to maintain their grip on power. Memo to American Governmental Studies textbook publishers: stop the presses. We've got some serious rewriting to do about this here republic of ours.

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This is the best thing I�ve seen all day pic.twitter.com/KRxlqdiuF8

� Animals Being Jerks (@MeanAnimals) March 31, 2020

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CHEERS to a fine FLOTUS.  Happy Birthday to the late Betty Ford on what would be her 102nd birthday. She gained fame in an era that many Americans can vaguely remember—namely, a time when the GOP had a smattering of class.  But even then, she was a persistent thorn in her party's side:

Throughout her husband's term in office, she maintained high approval ratings, though some on the far-right of her own Republican Party strongly opposed her on more liberal social issues.

Betty Ford was noted for raising breast cancer awareness with her 1974 mastectomy and was a passionate supporter for the Equal Rights Amendment.

Pro-choice on abortion and a leader in the Women's Movement, she gained fame as one of the most candid first ladies in history, commenting on every hot button issue of the time from sex to drugs.

Her most enduring legacy, of course, is the Betty Ford Center.  Sadly, the center doesn't have a wing for candy corn addicts like me.  But I'm happy to say my self-administered Charms Blow Pop replacement therapy seems to be holding.  One day at a time.

WHATEVS to rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham is leaving her post. Instead of getting paid to do nothing in the West Wing, she's moving on to fulfill her dream of spending more time getting paid to do nothing in the East Wing. Her replacement plans to shake everything up. Instead of getting paid to do nothing as a brunette like Grisham, she’ll get paid to do nothing as a blonde. The White House will forget to announce her name. No one will notice.

P.S. Of course she’s a racist piece of shit:

How I Met Your Brother -- Never mind, forgot he's still in that hut in Kenya. #ObamaTVShows

� Kayleigh McEnany (@kayleighmcenany) August 30, 2012

She’ll fit right in.

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Gong!  Gong!!  BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!

This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man.  Alex Henderson of AlterNet asks: Is Trump’s pathological narcissism dooming him to become the ‘worst president in US history’?

Yes.

Now back to Cheers and Jeers.

Gong!  Gong!!  BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!

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CHEERS to escaping hell in a handbasket.  On April 8, 1766, the first fire escape was patented—it consisted of a wicker basket lowered by a pulley and chain.  Of course they've evolved a lot since then.  The new wicker fire escape baskets have GPS and a cup holder.

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Ten years ago in C&J: April 8, 2010

JEERS to modern-day Catch 22s. Please pay attention, I'm only going to explain this once:  The Pentagon needs to talk to gay servicemembers to decide how to repeal the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy.  But if gay servicemembers speak up, regulations say they have to be booted for violating the 'Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell' policy.  But if they don’t speak up, the Pentagon can't repeal the 'Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell' policy. But in order to repeal the 'Don't Ask Don’t Tell' policy, the Pentagon needs to talk to gay servicemembers.  But if gay servicemembers speak up, regulations say they have to be booted for violating the 'Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell' policy.  And so on and so forth.  Is this royal clusterfuck ever gonna end?  Don’t ask.

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And just one more…

CHEERS to tossing another letter on the scale of human attraction. First it was LGB. Then it was LGBT. Then it was LGBTQ. And now you can add a “C” to the list. As in: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, and now Cuomosexual.  In his latest magnum opus of musical parody, all is made clear as Randy Rainbow singsplains:

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I’ll admit I can see the attraction. But my pandemical gubernatorientation remains out west with Newsom. Once he pierces your soul with those baby blues, man, it’s over.

Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

Trump admits he hasn’t read Bill in Portland Maine's Cheers and Jeers—but is angry about it anyway

Raw Story

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Cheers and Jeers: Monday

This Week's Outlook from the USA Forecast Center:

Mostly cloudy skies with widespread coronavirus squalls, along with heavy incompetence and blame-everyone-else downpours by the executive branch. Lies from the White House will hit an all-time high, followed by torrential tweets and fog-filled press briefings from the president that will reach all-time lows.

Continued…

Doctors, nurses, support staff and first responders will continue putting up a strong front as they deal with a deluge of patients seeking shelter from a stubborn viral storm that will likely be stalled across the country for the foreseeable future. And despite the magnitude of the maelstrom, grocery and pharmacy employees, along with Postal Service employees, utility workers and other essential employees, will remain on the job to prevent sudden outages.

And while most areas have called for residents to shelter in place, "open for business" stupidity continues to rain down on the residents in several American heartland states on the orders of their Republican governors despite high pressure from health experts and epidemiologists.

If you're among the scattered pockets of Fox News viewers, everything will be sunny and pleasant right up until the moment you turn the TV off and reality hits you in the face like a two-ton skillet.

That's your week-ahead forecast. Happy Monday and happy Zooming.

And now, our feature presentation…

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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, April 6, 2020

Note: No animals were harmed during the production of this column. They were, however, mildly teased and got their bellies scratched.  Oh, yes they did!  Oh, yes they did!

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By the Numbers:

Yikes. They’re really gonna do it tomorrow.

Days 'til the Wisconsin Democratic primary, which a federal judge has ruled will go forward with extra latitude on deadlines for mail-in ballots: 1

Percent chance that Republican Donald Trump was on duty in March, 2020 when America lost 701,000 jobs, ending a decade of gains started under Democratic President Barack Obama: 100%

Michiganders who approve of the way Gov. Gretchen Whitmer and Donald Trump, respectively, are handling the coronavirus pandemic, according to PPP polling: 62%, 46%

Percent of Fox News and MSNBC watchers, respectively, who believe "the media" is "greatly exaggerating" the risks from the coronavirus, according to Pew Research: 56%, 12%

Rank of cleaning, eating, and cooking among top stay-at-home activities among Americans according to Survey USA: #1, #2, #3

Percent in the same poll who say they're #1 activity is smoking weed: 14%

Seconds it takes for sunlight to reach the earth: 492

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Puppy Pic of the Day (via John in Denver): Walking Fido in Serbia during quarantine…

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JEERS to keeping an eye on bad things. Since this pandemic is going to go on awhile, it makes sense to maintain at least a weekly benchmark of the awfulness for the C&J historical record.  When last we posted on Friday there were 288,000 confirmed cases of COVID-19 and 7,000 deaths. This morning the numbers are: 336,851 confirmed cases and 9,620 deaths.  And in related news, over the weekend I discovered a new mathematical formula that has since been rigorously scrutinized and approved by all the universities:

[Number of COVID-19 infections] + [Number of COVID-19 deaths] = The President's Legacy.

I call it the Dotard Equation.

CHEERS to shooting the villain in the foot. One thing you gotta say about the nerds around the world: they're science’ing the shit out of COVID-19, probing every protein and spore to find its weak spot. And apparently the pipette-wielding hippies in California are onto something:

Scripps Research in La Jolla reported on Friday that there appears to be a specific area of the coronavirus that could be targeted with drugs and other therapies, a finding that also could help with the development of a vaccine.

One thing researchers all agree on: Achilles’ tuchus is a lot nicer than COVID’s.

The spot “is a possible Achilles heel” in the coronavirus, said biologist Ian Wilson, who led the team that made the finding. The discovery was published Friday in the journal Science.

Aha! The discovery suggests exactly what's needed to bring down the virus: an 0.2 micron-size arrow, a microscopic bow with telescopic sight, and a human with impossibly-tiny hands. My god…Trump may save us yet.

JEERS to covering up your tracks. America's most smackable brat, Jared Kushner, emerged from his dorm room last week to inform us all that the federal stockpiles of masks, PPEs and ventilators are—I'm reading off the transcript here so I repeat it as accurately as possible—"Mine mine mine not yours you stupid states mine get away from them back back I say they're not leaving this office not now not ever." And since those stockpiles really do belong to the states, wrong-again Jared Noodleneck had to race to the internet machine to cover up his tracks:

Until Friday morning, the website of the Department of Health and Human Services, which maintains the stockpile, read, "When state, local, tribal, and territorial responders request federal assistance to support their response efforts, the stockpile ensures that the right medicines and supplies get to those who need them most during an emergency."

The web page with the original verbiage that had to be changed because Juvie Jared f*cked up.

But midday Friday, hours after Kushner directly contradicted the language on the HHS website, the text was changed without explanation. Retroactively matching what Kushner said, the website no longer says states can rely on the stockpile, but now says it exists to “supplement” them.

They would've updated it sooner, but a light breeze caught Jared in the parking lot and it took them an hour to get him untangled from the power lines.

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Age and treachery will overcome youth and skill every time �¯\_(ã��)_/�¯ pic.twitter.com/WlNPQicN85

� Khalil (@sehnaoui) April 3, 2020

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CHEERS to the final countdown. Can't tell you how much I'm enjoying watching the demise of coal, partially because it's a boon for the environment, and partially because it's a bust for one of Trump's signature campaign promises. And now a study, if its predictions hold up, says that the industry's fate could be sealed in less than a generation:

In the most basic sense, it is no longer a lucrative business path to invest in carbon emission-heavy sources. Today, investing in coal projects is more expensive—across all world energy markets—than renewables. In as little as 10 years, it will be cheaper to build renewables than to run coal power resources, much less build new ones.

When you’ve lost Google…...

How much more expensive? Right now, the report estimates that the cost of operating and investing in coal—not in Europe, but in the U.S., India, and Chinais about 50% more expensive than renewables. By 2030, that number doubles to 100% assuming market forces remain constant rather than intensify, which they are likely to do.

Basically, the whole coal enterprise is getting more difficult to fund, build and maintain relative to renewables. Y'know what renewables are, right? Energy sources that will never run out. Like solar from the sun's rays, wind from the jet stream's currents, and hydro from the Republicans' tears.

CHEERS to great moments in synthetics.  On April 6, 1869, the first form of plastic—celluloid—was patented. 151 years later, the talking heads at Fox News swear by it for their almost-lifelike appearance. Memo to Jeanine Pirro: order another case—you're sagging again.

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Ten years ago in C&J: April 6, 2010

JEERS to the Knuckleballer-in-Chief.  Donning a White Sox cap, President Obama threw the first pitch at the Nationals-Phillies game yesterday.

The current president won’t do this because he can’t lift his hands above his nipples anymore. 

Although it was a pretty good throw the ball didn’t thread its way into the strike zone with 100 percent precision and awesomeness. That sound you hear is Michele Bachmann drawing up articles of impeachment.

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And just one more…

CHEERS to one cool cat. Happy birthday, Billy Dee Williams! The universe's favorite Lando turns 83 today, and you can probably guess what's on tap in place of our usual mimosas at the C&J breakfast buffet…

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Please drink responsibly. Use a coaster.

Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

Bill in Portland Maine gets roasted alive for Cheers and Jeers: 'This guy is an idiot.'

Mediaite

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Cheers and Jeers: Tuesday

Energize An Ally Tuesday

Strange but true: people gotta eat. Really. I looked it up. People gotta eat. It gives 'em energy, keeps their organs functioning, boosts their immune system, all kinds of good stuff like that. I tell ya, the things you learn when your town's in lockdown. Who knew?

Also true: a lot of people don’t have enough to eat even when "times are good," let alone during epic, once-a-century pandemics. Me, I tend to suck at growing, preserving, packing, distributing, and cooking food—my skills are mostly limited to tearing open plastic bags with the word Brach's on them. So that's why I'm happy Feeding America is around. They're damn good at all of the above, even during pandemics, and that's why we're putting our Tuesday C&J spotlight on them this week. Here's what they're doing:

Continued…

Feeding America [has] announced the establishment of the COVID-19 Response Fund to help food banks across the country as they support communities impacted by the pandemic. Still, it is impossible for the Feeding America network to address this pandemic without public and government support, so that food banks can do what they do best—feed people in need within their communities.

The COVID-19 Response Fund is up and running.

Many may not realize food-insecure households are likely more susceptible to the virus. This is believed to be due to lesser access to adequate health care, lower resistance or compromised immune systems, stigma or bias, or lack of information about proper prevention and care.

In addition, school closures, job disruptions, lack of paid sick leave and the coronavirus’ disproportionate impact on adults age 60 and older and low-income families further contribute to the demands placed on food banks. Lost wages or sudden expenses due to illness will be increasingly burdensome for the millions of people in America who live paycheck to paycheck, especially when, according to the Federal Reserve, 40 percent of Americans don’t have enough cash on hand to cover a $400 emergency expense.

Today the C&J household is making a $50 donation to Feeding America, and we encourage you to help out as you're able. The main donation link is here. Or, to support a specific community directly, you can use the Feeding America food bank locator at this link. You can also follow them for updates on Twitter here and the evil Facebook here.

Needless to say, the earlier they can get out in front of this madness, the better off everyone will be. Many thanks.

And now, our feature presentation…

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Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, March 31, 2020

Note: Your left pinky wants you to know that every time you wash your hands it gets a tingle up its cuticle, for which it thanks you most kindly.  —Mgt.

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By the Numbers:

Primary is now June 23rd.

Days 'til the new June 23 date for the New York primary: 84

Percent of Americans polled by ABC News-WaPost who say they're maintaining more distance from other people because of the coronavirus: 93%

Approval in Massachusetts for how President Trump and Gov. Charlie Baker (R) are responding to the coronavirus outbreak, according to the latest Suffolk U./Boston Globe poll: 28%, 80%

Current numbers in the latest Biden-Trump match-up, according to a survey of registered voters by Fox News: 49%-40%

Number of people in India's Punjab region quarantined because one Sikh priest got it in Italy and refused to self-quarantine: 40,000

Babe Ruth's highest salary: $80,000 (1931-32)

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Quarantinus Workus Interruptus…

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CHEERS to propaganda fail. The network news executives may be going out of their way to make Trump look normal (it keeps the horse race with Biden looking closer, don'tcha know), but a large majority of Americans aren't buying the spin, according to Sam Stein at The Daily Kraken. They (we) know that tests aren't available, a vaccine is a long way off, and warm weather isn’t going to save us, according to the Ipsos numbers. Conclusion:

A clear majority of the American public, including self-identified Republicans, do not believe the disinformation that President Donald Trump keeps pushing around the spread of coronavirus. And even members of the president’s own party are skeptical of his argument that getting the country back to work needs to be as prioritized as public safety measures.  […]

oops pic.twitter.com/tGiSn7I8Ll

� Greg Dworkin (@DemFromCT) March 30, 2020

Collectively, the results present a portrait of a public that is sober minded about the coronavirus and unpersuaded by talk that life could return to normalcy soon.

Another ominous sign for Putin’s pet: despite all his crowing and posturing and pretending to be a "war president" during the worst American crisis since the Great Depression, he still can't climb past 45 percent approval. Damn bone spurs.

CHEERS to sayin' it plain. Gabe Brown is the mayor of Walton, Kentucky, and he's in no mood to give high-falutin' speeches while giving out keys to the city or read flowery speeches while cutting ribbons at supermarket grand openings. Walton, like everywhere else in America, is now Pandemic Town, and Mayor Brown cracked open Facebook to slap some sense into his residents (and anyone else who reads his message, which has gone viral). A snip:

Listen up dipshits and sensible people. I might not have the best bedside manor. I might not put you at ease like the Governor does, but I don’t care. You need to realize that this is a serious ordeal. In fact, it’s a big f**cking deal. Stay at home. […]

Mayor Brown speak. You listen.

This will pass. Take it seriously. It is here. Act like you have the virus and don’t spread it to other people. I have no doubt that it hasn’t already been here, but testing had been limited. More cases are coming. If you ignore this problem, the worst thing that could happen is that your mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, aunts, uncles could die.  Be responsible. If you don’t, then screw you.

Golly, does he really need to use such harsh language to get people to pay attention? I'll give you a hint: he's talking to Americans.

CHEERS to champions of the little guy.  Happy 93rd birthday to the late Cesar Chavez. He founded the National Farm Workers Association, which gave a voice to migrant farm workers. He also used a spiffy motto (coined, we should note, by Dolores Huerta) that might sound familiar: "Sise puede!"—Yes we can! These days we could use all the Chavezes we can get, and the anti-Trump resistance movement is certainly busy producing some. Unfortunately, as with all public events…

The Foundation will be postponing the Cesar Chavez Legacy Awards Gala until September 2020.

93 years old today.

We look forward to this annual event as it gives the Foundation staff and our friends an opportunity to enjoy an evening together and honor individuals who embody the legacy of Cesar Chavez.

Though we are disappointed that we have to postpone this event, the Cesar Chavez Foundation is taking all necessary precautions to minimize the possibility of COVID-19 exposure to guests, honorees, and staff.

Pay your respects here.  Today in his honor: total boycott of lettuce and grapes. Yes...even for the squirrels on the roof.

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BRIEF HAND WASH BREAK

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Wash hand style in covid-19 time! pic.twitter.com/dnvguU7AsF

� Nature is Lit� (@NaturelsLit) March 30, 2020

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CHEERS to today's edition of Gee, He Says That Like It's A Bad Thing. Courtesy of Joe.My.God: 

Former Speaker Newt Gingrich (R) on Monday said he thinks Democratic “radicals” in the House will attempt to “blackmail the country” and President Trump into signing “a new bill with everything they’ve ever wanted in life” in the next action to address the coronavirus crisis.

Worst reboot of “Arthur”. . . . . . . . . . . . .wait for it. . . . . . . . . . . . . ever.

“I think it’s very likely that the House, where the radicals are in control, would love to blackmail the country. … They’re salivating at the idea that they could produce a new bill with everything they’ve ever wanted in life and somehow blackmail the president into signing it."

This has been today's edition of Gee, He Says That Like It's A Bad Thing.

CHEERS to fun in the sun. On March 31, 1917, the U.S. took possession of what are now the U.S. Virgin Islands (not to be confused with the inferior British Virgin Islands) from Denmark for $25 million. Residents there—who are considered U.S. citizens—are allowed to vote in presidential primaries but not the general election. Which is like your parents giving you a scoop of freezer-burned vanilla ice cream on your birthday while your siblings get a big bowl of Chunky Monkey with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, nuts, Oreos and gummi bears wrapped in hundred-dollar bills. Damn. I thought I'd blotted that day out. Time to ring up my therapist on Zoom again.

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Ten years ago in C&J: March 31, 2010

JEERS to whiners in high places.  You remember, as I do, how "moderate" Republican Maine Senator Olympia Snowe was wined and dined and coddled and cooed by the Obama White House and the Democratic Senate leadership during the health insurance reform push.

Like her soulmate, soon-to-be-ex Senator Susan Collins, Olympia Snowe (R-ME) came into office a sensible moderate, and left a tea party twit with an ego the size of Mount Kathadin.

Her vote was so coveted ("Then we can call it a bipartisan bill" went the logic) that she became better known as "President Snowe."  Her big beef was the evil public option, and despite sending her chocolates and flowers every day for a year and even giving the public option the heave-ho, she still voted "Fuck you, uninsured Americans."  And now she's explaining why to the Portland Press Herald: because Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi were mean to her.  Perhaps in your fantasy universe, Ma'am.  But here in the real world, when history called, you simply sat there and let the answering machine pick up.  You can relax, Margaret Chase Smith—your legacy as Maine's finest woman legislator remains intact.

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And just one more...

CHEERS to them's who crossed the finish line first. It's a well-established fact by now that C&J's "Who won the week" poll, introduced 12 years ago this week, is considered America's 500-pound gorilla of weekly polls. Every Friday we pluck a gaggle of worthy candidates from the previous seven-day news cycle and affix them to their place of honor on the front page. The candidate who gets the most votes wins. Period. No electoral college here—fuck that.

I can't really remember what inspired me to create the first one, but today it's a feel-good feature that stands shoulder-to-shoulder with such time-honored American traditions as stickball, setting pies on window sills to cool, and following competent and popular Democratic presidents with Republican shitbags. As we leave behind the first quarter of 2020, let's take a moment to review the winners from January through March, during which C&J experienced an "All of the Above" pandemic to no one's horror or disappointment:

Jan 3 Anybody who's glad to see 2019 in the rear-view mirror

Jan 10 The Australian and international firefighters battling the historic bushfires, and animal rescuers

Jan 17 Rachel Maddow and former Giuliani "fixer" Lev Parnas, for interviews during which new revelations brought the Trump Ukraine scandal into shocking new perspective

Jan 24 The Democratic impeachment managers: Jeffries, Demings, Garcia, Nadler, Crow, Lofgren, and especially Adam Schiff, for winning raves as they made their case against Trump

Jan 31 The House impeachment managers, for fighting during Trump's trial to protect and defend the Constitution as Trump's lawyers were busy shredding it

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Feb 7 Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who tore up her copy of the SOTU when Captain Adderall was done gaslighting America...and Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer for a fine Democratic rebuttal

Each winner receives this delicious luggage set for a modest $250 shipping and handling fee.

Feb 14 Michael Marando, Aaron Zelinsky, Jonathan Kravis, and Adam Jed, the federal prosecutors on the Roger Stone case who resigned after AG Bill Barr interfered for political reasons

Feb 21 Sen. Elizabeth Warren, who treated eye-rolling billionaire Michael Bloomberg to a rhetorical knuckle sandwich at a debate in Las Vegas

Feb 28 The war against "very fine people," as confederate symbols are banned from Marine Corps bases, and the FBI nabs 5 American Nazi terrorists for targeting government leaders, churches, and journalists

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March 6 Joe Biden, whose endorsement by Rep. Jim Clyburn in South Carolina resulted in a groundswell of support that propelled him to 11 primary wins in four days and a substantial lead in delegates

March 13 All of the above (related to heroes of the coronavirus outbreak)

March 20 All of the above (most related to heroes of the coronavirus outbreak)

March 27 All of the above (most related to heroes of the coronavirus outbreak)

By the way, "Senator" Barack Obama won our first poll in 2008, and by the time he left office he'd won 84 polls voted on by the Daily Kos community, making him indisputably first in the hearts of our countrymen. (Sorry, George Washington, but we're just not into your "uniformity in weights and measures" shtick anymore.)

Oh, and happy birthday to my sane senator, Angus King, who has the most unintentionally egotistical party-state designation in the chamber: (I-ME). And many blessings on your camels. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

“God is not mocked. Neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor male prostitutes, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will not inherit the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool.”

Irvin Baxter

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Cheers and Jeers: Thursday

Cheers and Jeers is a mild weekday panic attack from the great state of Maine.

The late-nighters are on indefinite hiatus, having gone underground to science the shit out of this pandemic. Here, Conan emerges to announce he’s solved the toilet paper crisis:   

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Bonus tip: Consumer Reports finds that the top three most effective alternative butt wipes are: white papers from the Heritage Foundation, judicial recommendation summaries from the Federalist Society, and any page from Don Jr.’s book, now available for free in finer dumpsters across America.

Continued…

Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, March 19, 2020

Note: You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. Contrary to popular opinion, this is not a good thing. The other dreamer is evil and drives a steamroller.

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By the Numbers:

20 days!!!

Days 'til  Passover starts: 20

Number of droplets a single cough can produce: 3,000

Number of seconds you're supposed to wash your hands: 20

Number of surgical masks and ventilators, respectively, the Pentagon says it will give to Health and Human Services for responding to the coronavirus outbreak: 5 million / 2,000

Registered voters in the latest YouGov/Economist poll who favor, respectively, Democratic and Republican control of Congress: 49%, 39%

Percent of Americans who favor amending the Constitution so the presidential candidate who receives the most votes wins, versus 40 percent who don't, according to Pew Research: 58%

Age of The Carol Burnett Show's Lyle Waggoner when he died Tuesday (effing cancer): 84

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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:

At this point, the administration would probably be delighted if it could find the WMDs the Reagan administration gave Saddam Hussein. At least it could point to some WMDs. [...]

You don't have to be an expert on WMDs in the Middle East to know that when the administration starts spreading the word that "it wouldn't really make any difference if there were WMDs or not," it's worried about not finding any. [...]

Maybe the American people can be brainwashed into forgetting why we supposedly went to war. Near as I can tell, our national memory span is down to about two weeks, and the media have been spectacularly unskeptical on this issue. But the rest of the world is not going to forget that WMDs were our primary reason for an unprovoked, pre-emptive war. 

---April 2003, one month after Bush ordered the invasion of Iraq seventeen years ago this week. No WMDs were ever found.

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Social distancing FAIL…

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CHEERS to a certain rising sea level. It's baked in the cake: the administration currently in charge of the executive branch will forever be known as the gang that diddled and gaslighted while a pandemic swept the nation. The Trump Virus, aka Dotard-45, has done what the impeachment and Mueller investigations couldn't, according to an interview with a Wall Street elbow-rubber in Mediaite.  The upshot appears to be that 2020 is poised to play out like 2008, when Democrats were called in once again to clean up a Republican mess by an overwhelming margin:

With scores of high-level contacts, Charles Gasparino of Fox Business is as dialed in as anyone when it comes to knowing what key investors are thinking. So what do they believe will happen at the ballot box this November? “Trump is toast.”

Crashing soon on a Republican sand castle near you.

Yes, according to Gasparino, the current read from Wall Street is that not only will President Donald Trump lose in the fall, but there will be a larger blue wave which will result in Democrats controlling both chambers of Congress, in addition to the White House.  […]  “Some of this fear [driving down the market] is that the Democrats are now going to sweep,” Gasparino said.

That is so Wall Street: terrified of an easily-absorbable increase in taxes for the first time in years that'll be spent on fixing stuff that's been broken for years.  Adorbs.  But, hey…blue wave!  If you need me today I’ll be in the basement adding another coat of varnish laced with itching powder to Susan Collins’ retirement rocking chair.

JEERS to the scammers among us. As we wrote yesterday, we don’t plan on inundating C&J with information on the Dotard-45 virus because it's widely available from faaaaar more credible sources than me, Farty McSquirrelwhisperer. But we certainly won’t ignore it, either. And today's spotlight shines on the bullshit floating around with almost as much reckless abandon as the microscopic virus droplets themselves. HuffPo has a decent rundown, including:

Herbal remedies—including mixtures of honeysuckle,cinnamon twig, and peony root—have gained some traction thanks to false claims that they can treat flu-like symptoms or boost the immune system. Twitter is also all in on garlic right now, asserting that the herb has antimicrobial and antiviral properties. “Garlic, my goodness,” [Ben] Neuman [head of the biology department at Texas A&M University-Texarkana] said.“SARS-CoV-2 is not a vampire—garlic is tasty in spaghetti sauce, but it is not an antiviral.” […]

Also remember: the only thing worth buying from Jim Bakker’s show is his head on a platter. 

There’s a rumor going around that gulping down water can push the novel coronavirus into your stomach, where stomach acids will kill it. Neuman said this advice is “mostly bonkers.” […]

People who can’t get a hold of a face mask (which, remember, isn’t foolproof) are now reaching for latex gloves, but there’s no proof they provide any protection. The novel coronavirus cannot be absorbed through the skin, according to Neuman. It can easily hang out on the gloves and reach all the areas where you can contract the illness (face, eyes, nose).

There's more debunked quackery at the link above. To be safe, just stick with the fundamentals: hand washing, social distancing, and, for added protection to keep the virus far away from your home, Ted Nugent's greatest hits turned up to at least "3" on the Victrola. Solidarity, people. We suffer together.

CHEERS to making it official. Not that Marie Newman needed Rep. Dan Lipinsky's blessing after her resounding victory in Illinois' 3rd District Democratic primary Tuesday night, but it wraps up the contest in a tidy little box. The seemingly untouchable congressman, protected at all costs by the DCCC and the Chicago Political Machine, dried his eyes yesterday and threw in the towel:

"As the numbers stand right now, it appears that I will not prevail," he said in a news conference. He called Newman to congratulate her. 

Or at least we think he was congratulating her.  A translator is still confirming the meaning of "Hisssssssssss."

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BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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I laughed pic.twitter.com/mGiIMyJ0i0

� jamie (@gnuman1979) March 18, 2020

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END OF BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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CHEERS to avian homecomings. Another sign of impending SPRING (which arrives at 11:50 tonight). Once they make the pathetically-easy glide between the gaping steel slats of Trump's low-I.Q. border fence, a flock of feathered friends will float into California to take up residence (though without the usual fanfare, festivities, and fawning followers this year) in their conical summer homes: 

The miracle of the “Swallows” of Capistrano takes place each year at Mission San Juan Capistrano, on March 19th, St. Joseph’s Day. Swallows migrate 6,000 miles from Goya, Argentina to San Juan Capistrano in large groups.

“Swallow Niner Zero Niner to tower, requesting permission to land, over…”

The town of San Juan Capistrano welcomes visitors from all parts of the world to witness the return of the swallows, a tradition that has been celebrated since the early 1930s.

A few years back the swallows were showing up in smaller numbers, so the experts started luring them with artificial bird calls and pre-built nests. Due to the success of those tactics, they're adding extra enticements this year: free cable, wi-fi, and turndown service that includes leaving a mint-scented insect on their pillows.

CHEERS and JEERS to the new old guy in the funny hat. Speaking of famous migrators from Argentina, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio officially became Pope Francis—the first Jesuit pope— seven years ago today, an extraordinary event seeing as his predecessor was, as best as anyone could tell, still breathing.

On March 19, 2013, the new pope delivered the tradition greeting to a packed crowd in St. Peter’s Square: “Hiya.”

After a promising start (he won our Friday "who won the week" poll six times during his first three years), he's been more or less brought to heel by the Vatican Machine, and his attempt to smooth over the pedophile priest pandemic has been clumsy at best.  But at least he's opening discussions on contentious issues (climate change, the widening wealth gap) and is ditching a lot of the fire-and-brimstone rhetoric of his predecessors.

He's currently holed up in his apartment waiting out the plague sweeping his fiefdom, taking care of business and binge-watching back episodes of Portlandia.  And praying, of course.  In an interview forLa Repubblica he says "I asked the Lord to stop the epidemic: ‘Lord, stop it with your hand.' That is what I prayed for.”  Yeah, just make sure He washes it first. I think that's what got us in this mess to begin with.

P.S. You know where the pope goes when he needs to sell off a chalice or a painting to make some quick cash?  Why, a pawntiff shop, silly.

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Ten years ago in C&J: March 19, 2010

CHEERS to civil disobedience in uniform. In an act of bravery, patriotism, pride and just a hint of the kinky, Lieutenant Dan Choi and Captain Jim Pietrangelo, decked out in their Army fatigues, handcuffed themselves to the White House fence yesterday to protest the military's 'Don’t Ask Don’t Tell' policy.  Pushing the envelope further, today they went to court and said, "Fine? We ain't payin' no stinkin' fine. We're goin' to trial."  Then they shouted"Huah!" together and gave the judge windburn. Meanwhile, the new poster child for those opposed to DADT is a retired general—I believe his name is Ninny McDramaqueen—who claims that gay soldiers are genocide enablers. Now I know why his grandkids have to take a double dose of Zoloft before he reads 'em a bedtime story.

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And just one more…

JEERS to the Very Seriousest of the Very Serious People.  The Iraq war, started by a pandemic of Republican warmongers infecting America’s brain with bullshit, started 17 years ago today. Usually I feature the most nutball quotes from the likes of Bush, Cheney, Condi, Rumsfeld and their circus tent full of conservative Patton-wannabes.  But this year I think I’ll just pull this gem out of cyber-storage.  This is Tom Friedman's rationalization for why inflicting pain and punishment on Iraq was teh awesome.  Literally, he told the Middle East: "Suck on this"...

What they needed to see was American boys and girls going house to house, from Basra to Baghdad, um and basically saying, "Which part of this sentence don't you understand?" You don't think, you know, we care about our open society, you think this bubble fantasy, we're just gonna to let it grow?

Well Suck. On. This. Okay? That, Charlie, was what this war was about. We could've hit Saudi Arabia, it was part of that bubble. We coulda hit Pakistan. We hit Iraq because we could.

On the one hand, what a typical American know-it-all bully jerk, so symptomatic of the media’s fawning cheerleading during those early days. On the other hand, if someone's going to present himself as an expert on sucking, I can think of few people more qualified than Tom Friedman.

Have a tolerable Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

Fox Business Guest Says Cheers and Jeers is ‘Almost Perfect’: Bill in Portland Maine Was ‘Born for This Moment’

Mediaite

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Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Resistance FRIDAY!

Cheers and Jeers is a tasty weekday word pie from the great state of Maine.

Late Night Snark: Super Bug and Super Tuesday Edition

"While clinical trials are underway, there's no treatment for the coronavirus at the moment, and a vaccine could take between a year and 18 months to develop. You may be wondering: how scared should you be? And the answer is, probably a bit. It's really about trying to strike a sensible balance. If you're drinking bleach to protect yourself right now, you should probably calm the fuck down. If you're, say, licking subway poles because you're certain nothing can hurt you, maybe don’t do that. You want to stay somewhere between those extremes: don’t be complacent, and don’t be a fucking idiot." —John Oliver

"No Purell! I got a bottle of that junk, and on the label it says it kills 99.99 percent of germs. What happens to the top .01 percent? Why are we protecting them? I say enough with the potions. Just use good old-fashioned bar soap and scalding hot water!” —Bernie Sanders (Larry David) at White House coronavirus briefing on SNL

Continued…

Late Night Snark, continued….

"By the way, Americans, stop making fun of the Chinese for this virus. I mean, sure, they might have some interesting choices in edible meats. But don’t act like Americans are any better. We just stopped eating Tide Pods like two years ago." —Michael Che, SNL

"As a practical matter, until experts advise that this [coronavirus] threat is over, we should all be following some basic advice. First: don’t be racist. That's just good general advice, for now and for later." —John Oliver

"Last night was Super Tuesday. And today for Mike Bloomberg it was Oh My God I Wasted Half A Billion Dollars Wednesday." —Jimmy Fallon

Click...

Elizabeth Warren rides out of the Democratic presidential race on her horse. #LSSC pic.twitter.com/oKNYnDqtFr

� The Late Show (@colbertlateshow) March 6, 2020

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"Bloomberg isn't having the night he thought he paid for." —MSNBC anchor Brian Williams on Super Tuesday night

"Sanders isn’t out of the race. He won a number of states, including Vermont, Colorado, and Utah. So at the very least we know he's a hit with snowboarders, snowboarders, and Mormon snowboarders." —James Corden

And now, our feature presentation…

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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 6, 2020

Note: The crew at Netroots Nation has opened up the public voting phase for panels and workshops to be featured at this year's convention in Denver(August 13-15). "The ideas you submitted cover nearly every progressive issue," says goddess Mary Rickles, "From conversations on the November elections to sessions on climate change,electoral justice and more. And we received some solid training submissions that appeal to all experience levels." Click here to log in and vote on your favorite panels and trainings. You can vote for as many sessions as you like, but you only get one vote per session per day, and you can cast a vote every 24 hours. Voting ends at 11:59pm next Tuesday, March 10. Netroots Nation thanks you. I thank you. The pope blesses you (but only if you eat all your vegetables).  —Mgt.

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By the Numbers:

8 days ‘til they cut the cheese. [Falls down laughing.]

Days 'til the primaries in ID, MI, MS, MO, WA, & Democrats Abroad, and caucuses in ND: 4

Days 'til the Oregon Cheese Festival in Central Point: 8

Current preference among likely Democratic voters in Michigan who plan to vote for Biden and Sanders, respectively, in Tuesday's primary according to a post-SC primary poll by WDIV and the Detroit News: 29%, 23%

Percent of Democratic voters on Super Tuesday who identified as LGBTQ, per NBC News: 10%

Amount that Michael Bloomberg and Joe Biden, respectively, spent in Super Tuesday states: $198.4 million, $2.1 million

Minimum percent of domestic and international flights, respectively, that United plans to cancel next month due to the coronavirus outbreak: 10%, 20%

Number of rivets in the Eiffel Tower: 2,500,000

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Puppy Pic of the Day: In honor of International Women’s Day (Sunday), Eleanor and Fala...

“We do not have to become heroes overnight. Just a step at a time, meeting each thing that comes up, seeing it is not as dreadful as it appeared, discovering we have the strength to stare it down.”

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CHEERS to March madness. The Super Tuesday nuclear bomb that went off on—[checks notes]—Tuesday scrldemba (that's "scrambled" scrambled—Pulitzer-winning wordplay!) my brain. I've been frantically running around the neighborhood with tears in my eyes leaving flaming bags of poo on everyone's doorstep while yelling "What's happening?!!?!!" like the eldest daughter in Poltergeist.  So while the Pulitzer committee is deliberating over "scrldemba" (the apex of my writing career, you'll agree) let's take a deep breath, put on some Kenny G, and take a mellow pause to get our bearings on what's happening in Primary Land:

Original Candidates: Ryan, Bullock, Gillibrand, Castro, Bennet, Gabbard, Gravel, Hickenlooper, Bloomberg, Biden, Buttigieg, Messam, Williamson, Patrick, De Blasio, Warren, Sestak, Harris, Inslee, Booker, Sanders, Delaney, O'Rourke, Yang, Steyer, Klobuchar.

Buffalo votes April 28th.

Candidates remaining: Biden, Sanders, Gabbard.

Contests that have happened: IA, NH, NV, SC, ME, AL, OK, TN, MA, VT, TX, CA, MN, VA, NC, AR, UT, CO, American Samoa, Mars rovers.

Contests left: 32 states have yet to weigh in, along with the remaining territories, Americans Abroad, and, because of an archaic mechanism hidden deep in the primary rule book, Denmark.

Delegate count (1,991 needed): Biden 621, Sanders 553 per NBC News

Next contests: North Dakota caucuses and Idaho, Michigan, Missouri, Washington, Mississippi, and Democrats Abroad primaries next Tuesday.

Next debate: Sunday, March 15 in Phoenix.

That brings us all up to speed. Phew. Now I can go about my normal routine of leaving flaming bags of poo on my neighbors' doorsteps, but without all the obnoxious running and shouting.

P.S. Along with Will Rogers, Oklahoma’s finest:

Our work continues, the fight goes on, and big dreams never die. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. https://t.co/28kyKe777L

� Elizabeth Warren (@ewarren) March 5, 2020

Nevertheless, she’ll persist. (I hear the view from the Senate majority leader’s office is lovely.)

JEERS to the Quack-in-Chief. Let's check in and see how Trump's latest roundtable discussion with doctors on the front lines in the management of the coronavirus situation is going:

"Can't you fight the coronavirus by rubbing it on your skin? I've heard that many times."

  "No, Mr. President."

"But if you have the virus you should still go to work. I believe that's what many people are saying."

  "No, sir."

“I haven’t touched my face in weeks.” —Actual quote by the guy seen here touching his face four days ago.

"But it doesn't really matter because the virus is all gone. There's, like, 15 cases, but those are going down very rapidly and beautifully."

  [Doctors, giving up, crack open bottles of gin]  "Whatever."

"And our magnificent troops are stringing barbed wire all around the viruses and they'll be sending them to Gitmo very, very soon, according to my generals."

  [Doctors now passing around bongs]  "Sure! Aye aye, Skipper!"

"And I've got Jared and Ivanka looking at this very, very closely, and they'll be ready to release their Coronavirusian peace plan in the next week, or two weeks, maybe sooner, we'll see what happens."

  [Doctors now tapping each other's knees with rubber hammers to see whose kicks the highest]  "And don’t forget Jim Bakker's Miracle Colloidal Silver Coronovirus Neutralizer! That'll do the trick, Bucky!"

"I have Mike Pence in the other room ordering a case of it now. Glad you thought of it. Of course, I thought of it first, but I'm glad you thought of it. It's good to be in synch during a real major national crisis that's also a hoax created by the Democrats."

[Drunk, stoned doctors now putting inflated rubber gloves over their heads]  "God blesh da Unished Shtetts!"

 If on the odd chance we end up emerging from the rubble, might I recommend a nice parliamentary system?

JEERS to an unsatisfactory conclusion. On March 6, 1857, the Supreme Court ruled in the Dred Scott case. Their brilliant conclusion: slaves aren’t citizens, according to their strict interpretation of the Constitution:

[I]n the opinion of the justices, black people were not considered citizens when the Constitution was drafted in 1787.

Three years ago the city of Baltimore tore down its statue of racist rat bastard Chief Justice Roger B. Taney.

According to [Chief Justice Roger] Taney, Dred Scott was the property of his owner, and property could not be taken from a person without due process of law.

In fact, there were free black citizens of the United States in 1787, but Taney and the other justices were attempting to halt further debate on the issue of slavery in the territories. The decision inflamed regional tensions, which burned for another four years before exploding into the Civil War.

Chief Justice Taney—with political pressure from none other than President Buchanan—thought the decision would settle the issue of slavery.  I think enough time has passed that I can say with reasonable confidence: what a dope.

CHEERS (or, if you hate it, JEERS) to emerging from the dark times.  I know, I know…for many of you Daylight Saving Time sucks.  But up here in Maine where global warming is a hoax, it's a real shot in the arm to get that extra perceived hour of daylight, and well worth the excruciating childbirth-like pain of losing an hour of sleep.  So here's the deal: make a note to turn your clocks ahead an hour Sunday morning.  Or better yet, make a note to tell someone else in your house to do it because you're sick of always being the one who has to do it.

Wait—is the Capitol building getting stomped on by a giant orange Slinky?

As usual, Democrats on Capitol Hill will help their Republican colleagues set their pocket watches.  If left to do it themselves, they won’t stop until they've turned 'em back fifty years.

CHEERS to Pa Bell. 144 years ago today, in 1876, Alexander Graham Bell received a patent—#174,465—for a new and exciting communications device, one of the features of which was the insertion of a diaphragm. Bell called it the telephone.  Republicans, of course, called it a harlot.

CHEERS to home vegetation. Rumor has it there's stuff on TV this weekend and I guess I'll take them at their word.

Ruffalo’s latest is 90 percent “Fresh” at Rotten Tomatoes.

After Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow do that thing they do tonight, Bill Maher's guests on Real Time are political scientist Rachel Bitecofer, actor Brian Cox, Ross Douthat of the NYT, The Atlantic writer Caitlin Flanagan, and Anthony Scaramucci.  New home video releases include Mark Ruffalo going after Dupont in Dark Waters, and the hit W.W. II movie Midway.  The NBA schedule is here and the NHL schedule is here. (I’m rooting for the Bruins to win the Stanley Cup this year, but only because I think the Teeth are gonna get knocked out early.)  Daniel Craig, whose new James Bond movie just got moved from April to November, hosts SNL. On 60 Minutes: how climate change moved a Dutch skating competition to Austria. Marge realizes she's an internet addict on The Simpsons, and Peter starts coaching a minor-league baseball team on Family Guy. If you missed John Oliver's excellent segment on the coronavirus last week, you can watch it here. He's also got a new episode of Last Week Tonight Sunday at 11.

Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:

Meet the Press: NIAID director Dr. Anthony Fauci; Maryland Gov. Larry Hogan; Bernie Sanders.

Bernie blankets the Sunday shows this weekend.

This Week: Bernie Sanders; Ben “Dr. Stabby” Carson (if he can stay awake long enough). 

Face the Nation: Sen. Chris Murphy (D-CT); former FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb; I’m shocked to learn Trump actually appointed a Surgeon General—Jerome Adams talks coronavirus Sunday.

CNN's State of the UnionBernie Sanders. Surgeon General Jerome Adams.

Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: NIAID director Dr. Anthony Fauci; Bernie Sanders.

Happy viewing!

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Ten years ago in C&J: March 6, 2010

CHEERS to the arrival of the banjo-strummin' cavalry.  Always nice to have a living legend on your side in a labor dispute, and the latest to weigh in on the strange Madison times is a man who knows a thing or two about unions—folk singer Pete Seeger:

"Maybe the Republican governor, he's done us a favor by bringing the problem to national attention," the 91-year-old Seeger said in a telephone interview from his New York home.

Good ol’ Pete. 

"It shows the whole country how much we need unions. We may end up thanking him." […]

Seeger, who's been singing since the Great Depression and released a record in 1942 titled "Talking Union," said he was following the issue in Wisconsin.

"Without collective bargaining rights we'd be right back to primitive times," Seeger said.

Upon hearing the news, Governor Scott Walker called Seeger's remarks outrageous and then drew a frowny face on his cave wall. [3/6/20 Update: I really miss Pete. I really don’t miss Scott.]

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And just one more…

CHEERS to the fairer equal sex. Sunday is International Women’s Day. I think I’ll do something extraordinary and just shut my pie hole and let them do the talking…

"We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men and women are created equal." Elizabeth Cady StantonDeclaration of Rights and Sentiments (1845)

“It was we, the people; not we, the white male citizens; nor yet we, the male citizens; but we, the whole people, who formed the Union” ... “Men, their rights and nothing more; women, their rights and nothing less.” —Susan B. Anthony

"There is no limit to what we, as women, can accomplish." —Michelle Obama

“The word’s out: I’m a woman, and I’m going to have trouble backing off on that. I am what I am. I’ll go out and talk to people about what’s happening to their families, and when I do that, I’m a mother. I’m a grandmother.” —Elizabeth Warren

"Do not put such unlimited power into the hands of the husbands. Remember all men would be tyrants if they could. If particular care and attention is not paid to the ladies we are determined to foment a rebellion, and will not hold ourselves bound by any laws in which we have no voice, or representation." —Abigail Adams

“As you know, there’s a difference in how some of our leadership talk about how we should handle all of this. They say, ‘Maxine, please don’t say impeachment anymore.’ And when they say that, I say impeachment, impeachment, impeachment, impeachment, impeachment, impeachment, impeachment, impeachment.” —Rep. Maxine Waters

“At present, our country needs women's idealism and determination, perhaps more in politics than anywhere else.” —Shirley Chisholm

"I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.” —Maya Angelou

Organizers ask that you wear something purple Sunday.  If, instead, you chose to mark the occasion by running around in a red MAGA hat, it’s no problem: please stay where you are and a complimentary purple nurple will be dispensed free of charge.

Oh, and As of today, there are only 300 days left in the year.  Please plan your 2021 New Years resolutions accordingly.  Who knows?  Maybe humanity will defy the odds and make it that far. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday

Cheers and Jeers is a weekday drunk tank from the great state of Maine.

Today's Forecast for the Greater Trump Mouth Hole Area

Morning, folks. Looks like we'll have an active POTUS pattern once again this morning, with a 100 percent chance of "we'll see what happens," accompanied by scattered "sirs," "excuse me, excuse me's" and crushed-Adderall sniffs. As we head into the afternoon, expect heavy downpours of "believe mes" and "totally disgracefuls" that will likely merge with a mixture of "only the very best peoples" and some "within the next week or maybe two weeks."

As for the extended forecast, a “perfect” stationary front will mean more "many people are sayings" and “you people all know thats” over the area with likely "witch hunts," "hoaxes" and "no obstruction, no collusions" for the foreseeable future, followed by "fake media," "fake news" and "fake press." But one thing we know for sure: there is no longer any chance of “Mexico will pay for it, that I can tell yous” over the greater Trump Mouth Hole area. Back to you, Chet.

Continued…

Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, February 26, 2020

Note: Today at Piggly Wiggly, buy a carton of our fresh, juicy strawberries and receive 50 percent off a can of nuclear fissile material in heavy cling syrup. Piggly Wiggly: Quality you can count on, at a price you can afford, from neighbors you probably shouldn't entirely trust.

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By the Numbers:

9 days!!!

Days 'til daylight saving time starts: 11

Days 'til the 26th annual Honolulu Festival: 9

Percent of likely South Carolina voters polled by NBC News-Marist who say they'll vote for Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders, respectively, in the Democratic primary: 27%, 23%

New Hampshire population and the number who voted in last week's Democratic primary, respectively: 1.35 million / 300,000

Nevada population and the number who voted in last week's Democratic caucuses (with early voting available, unlike NH): 3 million / 100,000

Size of Maine's medical marijuana industry, twice as big as previously thought: $111 million

Number of people who were injured by a single bullet negligently discharged by some yahoo when his gun fell out of his pocket at a no-guns-allowed flea market Sunday in Houston, Texas: 7

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Mid-week Rapture Index: 182 (including 3 tribulation temples and 1 Million Moms against Clifford the Big Red Dog).  Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Does anyone else see a resemblance to Leonard Nimoy in this puppeh?

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CHEERS to government at work. How can you tell that Democrats control the House? Because stuff actually gets done. Speaker Pelosi and her caucus have already passed hundreds of excellent bills over the past year (all bottled up by Moscow Mitch in the Senate, but that's hardly Team D's fault), plus there was that little impeachment to-do last December. And despite it being an election year, the chamber is still running at full steam. Here are just a few items on today's agenda, demonstrating that the inability to walk and chew gum at the same time is strictly in the right’s bailiwick:

Hearing: Department of Health and Human Services Budget Request for FY 2021

Hearing: In the Dark: Lack of Transparency in the Live Event Ticketing Industry

Hearing: Promoting Rural Economies and Healthy Forests

Well, one chamber works, anyway.

Hearing: Legislative hearing on HR 5435 American Public Lands and Waters Climate Solution Act of 2019

Business Meeting: "Destroying Sacred Sites and Erasing Tribal Culture: The Trump Administrations Construction of the Border Wall"

Hearing: Voter Suppression in Minority Communities

Hearing: The Fiscal Year 2021 HHS Budget and Oversight of the Coronavirus Outbreak

Business Meeting: H.R. 2339 Protecting American Lungs and Reversing the Youth Tobacco Epidemic Act of 2020

Hearing: Confronting the Rise in Anti-Semitic Domestic Terrorism

Hearing: Asleep at the Switch: How the Department of Labor Failed to Oversee the Black Lung Disability Trust Fund.

Meanwhile next door, Senate Republicans will spend the day trying to figure out why the phrase "Righty Lucy, Lefty Tighty" isn't working with James Inhofe's jar of mayonnaise. (They'll unanimously deem it a communist plot in time to adjourn at 1pm for happy hour.)

JEERS to southern inhospitality. I turned on my TV at 8 o'clock last night and holy Moses, what the hell was that all about? Here's what I learned: Things are out of control. Everyone is lying. A pair of billionaires are duking it out for control. The endless bickering and shouting is tearing people apart. The current leader is an immigrant-bashing lout. An arsonist is on the loose. The police are inept. Prisoners are tunneling out of their cells. An old lady's pacemaker is rigged to explode. Marlena has an evil twin. Patch is now Stefano. And it occurs to me I should probably mention that I'm talking about the recorded episode of Days of Our Lives we decided to watch starting around 8:15. We couldn’t stomach the Democratic debate. Too much drama.

P.S. Yup, he said the quiet part out loud:

"I bought---I got them..." #DemDebate pic.twitter.com/5DbnORBK2l

� Daily Kos (@dailykos) February 26, 2020

Oops.

JEERS to the 2/26 that was our 9/11 before 9/11 was our 9/11.  On February 26, 1993, a bomb went off inside a parking garage under the World Trade Center in New York.  Six people died and over a thousand were injured.  It was a real test for newly-minted President Bill Clinton who, as I recall, caught the evildoers and threw 'em in jail.  And we all lived happily ever after.  Right?  (I've been pretty busy the last 27 years...)

CHEERS to ideas that will change the world.  The grand poobahs behind the Netroots Nation convention (Denver August 13-15) asked me to remind you bright and early today that there's an important deadline this week: submissions for panel discussions and training sessions are due this Friday. Then I asked them to remind me what they're looking for this year. They reminded me that they already gave me that info a long time ago and how dare I interrupt their poker game. Then I reminded them that dammit they're right, and here you go:

Deadline: Friday night.
Strategic conversations about how we'll work together as a movement to win in 2020, from local races to the White House Sessions about how to govern and enact progressive policies after we've won Content on how we will maintain a healthy, inclusive and sustainable movement that centers those closest to injustice Panels focusing on the intersections of racism and electoral justice, environmental justice/climate change and disability justice

If you have an idea for a panel or workshop that fits the above guidelines or branches off in a different but still relevant direction, click here for more info and the submission form. Entries will be accepted through midnight this Friday. We'll remind you when it’s time to vote on the entries that make it through the first round of the judging process. And, free of charge, we’ll also remind you of the fact that Denver’s a mile in the air, so double-check your emergency parachute.

JEERS to really crappy odds. 84 years ago this week, three thousand Mexicans attacked 182 Texans at The Alamo.  A firsthand account: 

It was intense.

Shocking evidence! Reagan saves Alamo!

After Democrats fled in panic, Louie Gohmert and members of the Tea Party Patriots arrived in the nick of time to save the day.

The surrender ceremony was conducted on a battleship, followed by a ticker tape parade.

That's why today San Antonio is the capitol of the United States and God hates libturd moonbats.

Um, Texas school board textbook committee?  I think we need to have a little chat.

CHEERS to today's edition of Hold My Beer.  Jeez Louise, did you see the crowd of 100,000 that showed up to greet President Trump in India? Gosh, that was a lot of people—the largest overseas crowd he's ever spoken to. Impressive! And in other news...

Candidate Barack Obama greets over 200,000 well-wishers in Berlin, Germany twelve years ago.

This has been today's edition of Hold My Beer.

JEERS to boys and their destructive toys.  On February 26, 1903, the inventor of the rapid-fire Gatling gun, Richard Gatling, died.  His last words: "Of course it's not loaded. I took the NRA safety course. There’s no way I’d be sitting here cleaning my Gatling gun if it was lo...”  Thoughts and prayers.

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Ten years ago in C&J: February 26, 2010

CHEERS to guttersnipes in prison stripes. We'd like to extend our best wishes to Bernard Kerik (Rudy Giuliani's best friend and George W. Bush's one-time nominee as director of the Department of Homeland Security) as he plans to serve a four-year stint in the slammer.  But then again...nah. We’re good.  [2/26/20 Update: Last week Trump pardoned Kerik. So now, instead of an unscrupulous, incompetent scumbag everyone hates who put his sex life above the safety of those in the twin towers, he's now a pardoned unscrupulous, incompetent scumbag everyone hates who put his sex life above the safety of those in the twin towers. Bring on that Medal of Freedom.]

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And just one more…

CHEERS to more Star Wars. Oh, yes. There’s more. I believe this is Episode X:

i literally can't stop watching this pls pic.twitter.com/NONroFRLH5

� seb (@sitheternaI) January 23, 2020

Most people think it’s great. But not everyone. George Lucas doesn’t think there’s enough Jar Jar, and J.J. Abrams says it moves too slow. 

Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

Cheers and Jeers is the kind of thing paranoid, small people write. We have seen where this leads and it’s nowhere good.”

Rep. Sean Patrick Maloney

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