Fun with Math

The Daily Beast reports:

Republican Kyle Biedermann of the Texas House of Representatives, previously best known for dressing up as “gay Hitler,” became the first American legislator in nearly a century and only the second since the Civil War to file a formal bill calling for state-level secession from the United States. Dubbed the “Texas Independence Referendum Act,” his bill would allow Texans to vote this November on a referendum “on the question of whether this state should leave the United States of America and establish an independent republic.”

Let's see. There are currently 50 Democratic senators and 50 Trump Cult senators. If we add two Democratic senators from the upcoming state of DC and two Democratic senators from the upcoming state of Puerto Rico, and subtract the two senators—including Ted Cruz—from Texas, that equals 54 Democrats and 48 Trump cultists. 

Do go on, Mr. Gay Rodeo Hitler. We're listening.

Cheers and Jeers for Monday, February 1, 2021

Note: From the Eyewitness News Desk—Nation reels as new president wears clothing that actually fits, and walks like a normal human. Film at 11. Parental discretion, for the first time in four years, is not advised.

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By the Numbers:

Days 'til the impeachment trial starts: 8

Average public support for President Biden's order prohibiting workplace discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity, according to FiveThirtyEight, making it his most popular executive order so far: 83%

Percent of Georgians who voted for Democratic Senators Jon Ossoff and Raphael Warnock and said health care was their top issue: 80%

Estimated number of Americans who have health insurance today because of Obamacare: 20 million

Year by which GM says it will be selling only electric cars: 2035

Years since a snowy owl was spotted in Manhattan, as it was last week: 130

Age at which Cicely Tyson, who died last week at 96, became the oldest person to win a Tony Award: 88

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Puppy Pic of the Day: The Major Biden story…

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CHEERS to February!  Hooray—we finally made it to the third and last month of meteorological winter in the northern hemisphere! For the shortest month, it sure packs a lot of goodies in it. Some of the highlights:

Black History Month, more daylight, Groundhog Day in Punxsutawney, Waitangi Day in New Zealand, Heritage Day in Canada, Dia de la Bandera in Mexico, Cordova Ice Worm Day in Alaska, Mardi Gras, Valentine's Day, and Purim. President Biden continues issuing executive orders that PolitiFact confirms are making America great again, and awaits Congress's Covid relief bill to sign. Plus there's George & Abe's awesome storewide mattress sales, Charles Dickens Day, full "snow moon" on the 27th, Create A Vacuum Day (chaired this year by Marjorie Taylor Greene because her cranial cavity contains the biggest black hole on the planet), and National Pancake Day.

And, lest we forget, the second impeachment trial of the previous president—this time for "incitement of insurrection" aka sending an armed mob to storm the Capitol and install him as dictator—gets underway on the 9th.  And with Democrats in charge you'll be seeing what last year's trial lacked: evidence and witnesses. I'll say this: we may live in a crumbling republic on a planet beset by fire and parasites…but at least it's never dull.

JEERS to embarrassing math. What do you get when you add up the number of Covid-19 cases in India, Brazil, and Russia, which currently occupy the #2, #3, and #4 spots on the list of most-infected countries?  Answer: still fewer cases than the United States, which "leads" the world by a country mile. Worldwide there are now over 103 million cases—over a quarter of them in the U.S. (Although cases have gone down 40% over the last three weeks, which is great.)  Here are this week's domestic numbers for the C&J historical record, courtesy of the most depressing tote board in the world, as our death toll now exceeds the population of America’s 44th-largest city Virginia Beach, Virginia:

6 months ago: 4.8 million confirmed cases. 158,000 deaths.

3 months ago: 9.4 million confirmed cases. 236,000 deaths

1 month ago: 21 million confirmed cases. 360,000 deaths

This morning: 27 million confirmed cases. 450,000 deaths

Keep an eye on Congress this week. Speaker Pelosi and Majority Leader Schumer, backed by the blessing of Treasury Secretary (and former Fed chair) Janet Yellen and 120 economists, may introduce their $1.9 trillion Covid relief package to the howls and rending of garments by Republicans over the deficit, the poor, poor deficit! If you want to make a fast buck this week, don’t bother with GameStop—sink all your money into Acme Fainting Couches, LLC.

CHEERS to safety nets. 81 years ago today, the first Social Security check (#00-000-001) was issued to Ida May Fuller—a Vermonter and childhood classmate of Calvin Coolidge—for $22.54. Or, as Republican leaders calls it: "$22.54 too much." Despite all the despicable fearmongering coming from the right that Social Security is "flat broke," Senator Jeff Merkley (D-OR) reminds us via email….  

Here’s the truth: Social Security is fully solvent, and will be through 2038.  So why all the bluster?  It’s a giveaway to Wall Street, plain and simple.

Starting with Ida May Fuller in 1940, our nation has a proud history of rewarding a lifetime of hard work with the promise of financial security in one’s golden years. It’s been the most effective anti-poverty program in the history of the world.

As always...much obliged, FDR.

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CHEERS to order in the courts. If you ground your teeth down to the nub during the Obama years because of the way Democrats let Republicans obstruct judicial nominees on an unprecedented level for way too long, this is welcome news: they're not about to let 'em get away with it again…

In addition to forming a new commission to study structural changes to the judiciary, the Biden White House has asked senators to recruit civil rights attorneys and defense lawyers for judgeships. Officials who work on the issue say they’ve seen an outpouring of interest and have begun holding sessions to offer information and advice on navigating the confirmation gauntlet. […]

“I call it repair the courts,” Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse, D-R.I., a senior member of the Judiciary Committee, said in an interview [,] calling it “a very prudent goal” to fill every judicial vacancy by the end of 2022. He urged Democratic colleagues to ignore “Republican procedural caterwauling” on matters like blue slips after the tactics they used to tilt the courts to the right. […]

[Majority Leader Chuck Schumer] told MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow in a Tuesday interview that Democrats “can fill up a lot” of seats. “There will be lots of vacancies that come up. And I think there are a lot of judges—Democratic appointees who didn't take senior status while Trump was president who now will,” Schumer said. “Then we get to fill it.”

The prime directive during the Biden years falls in line with what I—the godfather of modern liberalism—call "The Three C's" that should be focused on most: 1) Covid,  2) Courts, and of course, 3) Convince Republicans to Leap Into A Volcano.

P.S. Big Biden speech on foreign policy today. I think we’re finally invading Lichtenstein. That oughtta teach ‘em to return our lawnmower when they’re done, the little pricks.

CHEERS to "slide-rule portability." Tech geeks, fall to your knees and grovel before “the world’s first pocket calculator.”  On February 1, 1972, the hand-held HP-35 ("challenges a computer!") made its debut. Cost: a mere $395. And it was made the old-fashioned way—in the USA. How quaint. Today's calculators are solar-powered, mainly because Detroit and the oil companies could never figure out a way to power 'em with internal combustion. If you get bored today (and if you made it this far down into C&J you must be): punch in 5318008, turn it upside down, call a phone number at random and read what you see to the person on the other end. But be mature about it.

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Ten years ago in C&J: February 1, 2011

JEERS to wimping out. The headline in my local paper said it all over the weekend: "Senate attempt to restrict filibustering dies."  Republicans got a complete and total pass for choking off the democratic process and establishing their own "government by 41-vote majority."  So now Republicans don’t even have to get on the floor and read the phone book ‘til they drop.  Just a spit-handshake agreement between Harry Reid and Yertl the Turtle to "play nice" and everything's back to normal.  Oh, sure...that'll fly.  Like a Texas history schoolbook through a bullshit detector.  [2/1/21 Update: And here we are.]

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And just one more…

CHEERS to Maine's matchless movie maker. Happy 127th Birthday to director and Portland native (and son of immigrants) John Ford. He launched John Wayne's career and defined the classic American western with Stagecoach, The Searchers, the cavalry trilogy and gobs more. And then there's The Grapes of Wrath, which is in a class all by its amazing self:

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Ford proclaimed in 1967: "I am a liberal Democrat and a rebel."  Well, of course he was. He had intelligence and talent.

Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

Can someone please keep Bill in Portland Maine away from the cameras? And the microphones? And really, most situations in which he publicly tries to turn words into meaningful thoughts?

—The Charlotte Observer

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And They All Lived Something Something Ever After

One thing I'm dedicated to in the Biden-Harris era is referring to the previous administration as little as possible. Difficult, for sure, especially with the closet full of shoes left to drop, charges to be filed, and trials to be followed. Still, at C&J we promise to keep our mentions of the "T" crime syndicate as few and far between as possible. We're as sick of them as you, and they don’t deserve the oxygen. But just to put a cap on the last four years, here's the fate of the major players for the historic time capsule, courtesy of Conan…

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Onward.

Cheers and Jeers for Monday, January 25, 2021

Note: Can't get the cap off the maple syrup bottle?  Try this: set your house on fire and then twist gently.  The heat will warm the sticky syrup caught between the aluminum cap and the glass grooves and allow it to be gently loosened with your fingertips. Or try pliers or other wrench-like implement.  —Hugs, Heloise

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By the Numbers:

Days 'til World, National, State and Local Carrot Cake Day: 9

Amount by which Joe Biden and Kamala Harris's swearing-in beat their immediate predecessors' viewership among the six major TV networks last Wednesday, according to the Nielsen ratings: 1.5 million people

Drop in Fox News's ratings during inauguration day 2021 versus 2017: 77%

Estimated amount spent on the 2020 campaigns for the House, Senate, and White House: $14 billion

Percent of U.S. workers over 55 who plan to delay their retirement because of the pandemic, according to Harper's Index: 13%

Percent chance that the Biden administration renewed the White House subscriptions to The New York Times and The Washington Post after the previous administration dropped them because the papers hurt their fee-fees: 100%

Age at which baseball legend Hank Aaron and broadcasting legend Larry King died: 86, 87

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Puppy Pic of the Day: They’re here...

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CHEERS to moving day. Proceeding through halls that earlier this month were filled with spear-wielding insurrectionists (long story) and their moms (longer story), the House of Representatives will march a single article of impeachment—"Stupid Traitor Butthead Incited An Insurrection"—against Joe Biden's predecessor into the esteemed upper chamber atop a Roman shield carried by a half dozen off-duty WWE titans, whereupon the Senate will begin preparations for the start of his second trial in four years. The goal this time is to officially deem him ineligible to seek public office in the future, having allegedly coordinated and paid for a coup at the Capitol after his attempt to subvert the Justice Department fell through. And in a sweet twist, AP reports that his own cult could do him in: 

The words of Donald Trump supporters who are accused of participating in the deadly U.S. Capitol riot may end up being used against him in his Senate impeachment trial as he faces the charge of inciting a violent insurrection.

At least five supporters facing federal charges have suggested they were taking orders from the then-president when they marched on Capitol Hill on Jan. 6 to challenge the certification of Joe Biden’s election win. But now those comments, captured in interviews with reporters and federal agents, are likely to take center stage as Democrats lay out their case.

The trial starts February 9th. The House's case will be handled by nine representatives, including Jamie Raskin (D-MD) and Joaquin Castro (D-TX). Republicans, meanwhile, are assembling their team. So far it includes Grumpy, Dopey, Shouty, Wheezy, Creepy, Spiteful and Rudy Giuliani in a Perry Mason mask.

JEERS to the ongoing pandemic. Let's get one thing straight. When it comes to dealing with the covid crisis, the Biden administration isn’t "starting from scratch" like the media have reported. No—it's starting from "jack shit." Worldwide there are now over 99 million cases—a quarter of them in the U.S., which last week marked the one-year anniversary of the first reported case here. Here are this week's numbers for the C&J historical record—our first check since Joe Biden grabbed the crisis by the reins and let science and common sense take over—courtesy of the most depressing tote board in the world, as our death toll now exceeds the population of America’s 46th-largest city Minneapolis, Minnesota:

6 months ago: 4.3 million confirmed cases. 150,000 deaths.

3 months ago: 9 million confirmed cases. 230,000 deaths

1 month ago: 20 million confirmed cases. 340,000 deaths

This morning: 26 million confirmed cases. 427,000 deaths

As President Biden has pointed out, things are going to get worse for awhile before they get better, given how much sciencing we have in front of us. Last week he got the ball rolling by signing a slew of executive actions that will contain and destroy covid, including faster testing and vaccinations, improving coordination with state and local officials, and ensuring that minorities aren’t left behind. "Well, so much for his unity pledge," said a visibly angry spokesvirus.

CHEERS to great moments in traction.  122 years ago this week, Humphrey O’Sullivan patented the rubber heel.  That’s nice, but we’re partial to the steel-tipped toe (and the exposed Republican shin).

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CHEERS to powering up, nice and clean-like. Gotta give a shout-out to the 26 states that defied the fossil-fuel fantasies of the previous administration by, among other things, adhering to the standards of the Paris Climate Accord after Whatsizface unceremoniously withdrew from it. Fortunately, the green energy revolution is pretty much a juggernaut by now, and the Biden administration intends to literally put a lot more wind in its sails, using lessons learned at the state level. The Center for American Progress has a nice overview, including Joe's climate team:

One of the most exciting things about this slate of “climate Cabinet” nominees is the experience and success instate-level climate leadership it will bring to the federal government. After all, for the past half-decade and longer, states have been laying a roadmap for bold, nationwide climate action. Many of these nominees have served in or at the top of state government, including in Michigan, North Carolina, and New York. Others hail from states that have recently made great strides in clean energy such as New Mexico. All of them can now put lessons from their states’ leadership to work toward advancing federal policy and supporting ambitious climate action at all levels of government. 

The climate plan includes commitments to new sectoral standards and strategies for agriculture, buildings, electricity, industry and transportation—including 100 percent carbon-free electricity by the year 2035—to lead in reaching net-zero greenhouse gas pollution throughout the U.S. economy by midcentury; calls for $2 trillion in investments in clean energy and sustainable infrastructure and for at least 40 percent of those investments to benefit disadvantaged communities; and draws inspiration from a climate movement that has increasingly coalesced around a “standards, investments and justice” framework to confront the climate challenge in this new decade.

The climate plan also has exciting implications for the health care sector. You may not have noticed, but the moment Joe Biden was sworn in, the rate of cancer from windmill noise instantly dropped to zero. I’m filling out the Nobel Prize nomination form now.

CHEERS to nimble fingers vs. fumble fingers.  If you missed the NFL action yesterday, here's what happened: Kansas City beat Buffalo 38-24, and the Buccaneers sent the Packers packing 31 to 26. (Don’t feel bad for the losers—they’re going home with a fabulous runner-up prize package that includes a Samsonite luggage set and $100 gift certificate from the Spiegel Catalog.)  So it'll be Mahomes vs. Brady (Him again???) on February 7 during Super Bowl XVVVVVVVVIIIII. And in other sports news, the winners over the weekend in the National Hockey League were, as usual, the players' dentists.

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Ten years ago in C&J: January 25, 2011

JEERS to the "Good night and good luck" heard 'round the world.  Walter Cronkite...M*A*S*H...Bill Moyers...Lost...Oprah...Larry King...Cheers...hell, even Regis Philbin.  All of these iconic TV titans gave us plenty of time to adjust to their looming absence from the small screen.  No such luck Friday night when, 50 minutes into his show, Keith Olbermann went into a commercial break by announcing, so matter-of-factly as to make viewers momentarily think he was kidding: "This will be the last edition of Countdown." So what's next for Olbermann?  Who knows?  Speculation has him co-founding a cable sports network, creating a Huffington Post-like web site, opening a shoe store, running for office, or taking his massive pile of settlement cash and living out his days at a villa in the south of France.  If the latter, I call dibs on cabana boy duties.  (I have my own daiquiri blender—It's a Northrup Grumman 5000).

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And just one more…

CHEERS to the wisdom of jbou. The Kossack—one of several who departed during that awful purge of beloved humans in 2016—is gone but not forgotten.  C&J promised to revisit his sharp George-Carlin-meets-Stephen-Wright zingers from time to time because, well, they will never cease to crack me up.  And whaddya know, today is one of those days. Here's what was on his mind back in January of 2012 and 2013…

» As a kid, I'd get attention by saying inappropriate things and making fart noises. As an adult, I'm taller.

» The sad thing about Baby New Year is knowing he dies on his first birthday.

» Maybe we should be focusing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don't sleep in the same bed anymore.

» Love is like the Force: it surrounds us, binds us, and people can use it to cut off your arms and legs and toss you into lava.

» In order to confuse the bigots, everyone will now please exchange stereotypes with the ethnicity to your immediate left. Thank you.

» This "judge people by the content of their character" thing is not working to my advantage.

» Autocorrect makes me feel like I'm friends with a nosy, incompetent know-it-all.

» Time heals all wounds. Unless you suffered a horrible disfigurement working in a clock factory. Then it's just a grim reminder.

» I ordered a plunger and a snare drum on Amazon so next time you order one and it recommends the other, that's me.

» It seems the group of people who are easily offended and the group of people who are easily confused tend to be the same group.

How nice to know that our dearly-departed members of the Daily Kos community—from Exmearden to Triciawyse to Patriot Daily New Clearinghouse to jbou, and all the rest—can finally, as of last Wednesday, stop spinning in their graves and rest in peace again. Just in case we end up with another Republican president after I’m gone, the #1 item on my list of last wishes is: embalm me with Dramamine.

Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

“I’ve been wanting to come in Cheers and Jeers for months and months. Let’s call it what it is. I got blocked because they didn’t like the way you splash.”

—Dr. Anthony Fauci

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Late Night Snark: Oops, He Did It Again Edition

"President Trump was impeached today for a second time. Or as Fox News reported it: Fun rainy-day crafts to do with your grandkids!!!" —Seth Meyers

"The impeachment articles charged the president with just one thing: inciting violence against the government of the United States. His impeachment comes just one week before the president's term expires. Do you know how bad of a job you have to be doing to get fired while you're getting fired? " —Stephen Colbert

Continued…

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"Trump got impeached in December 2019 and January 2021, and botched COVID in between. Dude basically made a pandemic sandwich with impeachment bread." —Jimmy Fallon

"This impeachment gives me one last chance to salvage my reputation!” shouts Rudy Giuliani, as he ladles baked beans into his briefcase. —Conan O'Brien

In this somber time, let us remember the solemn words of FDR:

"Not only did Trump get banned from Twitter, but Google, Apple and Amazon removed the Parler app from their platforms. Parler is where all the right-wingers gather to post Q-a-nonsense and misspell the word 'parlor.' Trumpers are complaining bitterly that they're being silenced. On their three propaganda networks, one-thousand conservative radio shows, and all over the internet, they're screaming about being silenced." —Jimmy Kimmel

"Police assumed protesters wouldn't get out of control because they were white. They were literally wearing shirts that said "Civil War" on them. What else did they need? The back of the shirt to read, Seriously We're Going To Attack You & Also Shit On The Floor For Some Reason?" —Samantha Bee

EVERY GOP CONGRESSMAN: To all my Radical Dumbocrat colleagues: We need healing and unity. I say this not just to the Commies, but also to the Libtards. —Trevor Noah

And now, our feature presentation...

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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 15, 2021

Note: Surely you don’t expect me to write a note on a Friday night, do you? Forget it, I’m checked out. Here’s my grocery list instead: milk, eggs, bananas, a dozen boxes of large garbage bags, and 4,000 pounds of lye. Now go away.  —Mgt.

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By the Numbers:

Days 'til inauguration day: 5

Percent of Americans polled by Quinnipiac who believe democracy in America is "alive and well": 21%

Percent in the same poll who believe Trump is undermining democracy: 60%

Number of National Guard troops that'll be deployed in D.C. for the inauguration: 20,000

Minimum number of people who visited Maine state parks last year, a record: 3 million

Percent increase in first-time visitors from 2019: 60%

Year that a poet first took part in a presidential inauguration (Robert Frost for JFK): 1961

Age of Amanda Gorman, who will be the inaugural poet next Wednesday: 22

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…

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CHEERS to post-inaugural Jazz Hands!!!  Depending on how things go on Wednesday, we may or may not be in a celebratory mood after Joe and Kamala take their oaths of office. But if the terrorists—aka the Republican party—fail to blow everything up, Team Biden has a heckuva talent show lined up, and it's a lot better than what "master showman" Whatsizface (I forget his name—the freak in the orange clown makeup whose approval ratings are headed for the 20s) put on four years ago:

Lady Gaga, Jennifer Lopez, Justin Timberlake, Demi Lovato, Jon Bon Jovi, Ant Clemons and Tom Hanks are among the stars tapped to appear during Joe Biden's inauguration festivities next week, the Presidential Inaugural Committee announced Wednesday. […] "Celebrating America," a 90-minute live special, will air the evening of President-elect Biden's inauguration, and will feature remarks from Biden and Vice President-elect Kamala Harris, as well as tributes to COVID-19 first responders.

"This inauguration presents a unique opportunity to spotlight the resilience and spirit of an America united," PIC CEO Tony Allen said in a statement. "We have witnessed countless heroes this past year step up to the frontlines and serve their fellow Americans, so we are telling their stories, spreading their collective light and celebrating the best of our country and its people with this prime-time program.

The committee also announced the Inauguration Day ceremony lineup Thursday. Lady Gaga, who will perform "The Star-Spangled Banner," has previous experience with the national anthem, singing (and nailing) it for Super Bowl 50 in 2016.

You can read more about the inauguration participants here. In a shocking non-twist, the current president will not be attending the swearing-in. He'll be back at the White House trying and failing to pry the J and B keys off the West Wing keyboards. (In her last act as first lady, Melania will melt them into blobs of molten plastic by staring at them.)

CHEERS capturing a creepy crazy Capitol criminal. Yeah, the guy wearing horns was bad. Yeah, the guy with his feet up on Nancy Pelosi's desk was worse. And don’t get me started on the moron who tried to steal the Speaker's lectern. But among all the traitors (300 charged so far) who stormed the Capitol last week, the one who burned my chaps the most was the Jefferson Davis fanboy who frolicked among the statues in the rotunda with a giant confederate flag in his hands. Well, we got him. And not only is he a traitor, he's also a candidate for Worst Dad in the World. And his son? His son is a f*cking idiot, too:

Kevin Seefried, who was carrying the flag that he later told authorities had been displayed outside his Delaware home, and his son Hunter Seefried [were] arraigned later Thursday in U.S. District Court in Washington, D.C.

According to a charging document, Kevin Seefried told the FBI on Tuesday during a voluntary interview that he and his son had been part of the group that breached the Capitol’s entrances on Jan. 6, and that they had been in Washington that day to hear Trump speak at a rally on the Ellipse. […]

The two men were identified after a co-worker of Hunter Seefried contacted the FBI to say Hunter “had bragged about being in the Capitol with his father” during the riot, the document says.

Thus proving that, in Traitor Land, the shithead doesn’t fall far from the asshole.

JEERS to yesteryear's sleazebag. On Sunday’s date in 1997, then-Speaker Newt Gingrich—the guy who promised to clean up Washington—accepted a reprimand by the House that included a $300,000 penalty as punishment for decidedly un-clean ethics violations.  Four days later the House voted 395-28 to discipline its leader for ethical misconduct.  If memory serves, the sun was shining and the birds were singing that day.

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JEERS to messing with The Precious.  On January 16, 1919, the tenacious temperance twits in Wyoming became the last ones necessary to ratify Prohibition, which went into effect on January 16, 1920...in the name, of course, of Jeeeeeezus. As a lapsed Episcopalian, I’d like to apologize for this on behalf of all my brethren and sistren:

Many Prohibition groups, called “dries”, were church-based, mainly Protestant denominations.

The anti-Prohibition groups, or “wets”, tended to be mostly Roman Catholic, Episcopalian and Lutherans from Germany. Both major political parties had wet and dry factions.

[W]hen Congress convened in January, 1917, the mandate was clear: regardless of party, dries outnumbered wets in Congress by 2-to-1.

The result: a huge spike in organized crime.  The stock market crash of 1929 led to the eventual repeal of the 18th amendment on the premise that reviving the legit liquor industry would create jobs.  So you might say that in a weird way the banksters toppled the gangsters. (Although, like today, it took authorities awhile to figure out who was who.)

CHEERS to home vegetation. Here's some of the haps on the squawk box this weekend, starting with Chris Hayes, Rachel Maddow, and Lawrence O’Donnell processing the Friday news dumps on MSNBC as we end the last week of the Trump era. Or you can watch the U.S. Ladies Free Skate Championships at 8 on NBC (the men skate tomorrow at 4pm), or new episodes of Whose Line and Penn & Teller: Fool Us on the CW. Tonight at 11 on BBC America, The Graham Norton Show welcomes Regina King and "The Queen's Gambit" star Anya Taylor-Joy. 

The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NFL schedule is here (Tom Brady and Drew Brees go at it Sunday at 6:30 on Fox, and that’ll be fun) and the NBA schedule is here. Tomorrow night at 10 catch an encore showing of the great documentary focusing (pun intended) on Barack Obama’s White House photographer Pete Souza, The Way I See It, on MSNBC. SNL is still in reruns (the Justin Bateman-hosted show is tomorrow night). Sunday on 60 Minutes: inauguration security efforts in the wake of the Republican Party’s attempted coup. And at 8 on the CW you can catch the season premiere of Batwoman with new lead Javicia Leslie and, as always, Rachel Maddow providing commentary as radio personality Vesper Fairchild.

Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:

Meet the Press: TBA

Face the Nation: Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA); incoming CDC Director Rochelle Walensky; Gov. Jim Justice (Trump Cult-WV); former FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb; St. Paul Mayor Melvin Carter (D).

This Week: Biden White House communications director Kate Bedingfield.

CNN's State of the Union: Biden chief of staff Ron Klain; Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL); Rep. Jaime Raskin (D-MD).

Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: TBA

Happy viewing!

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Ten years ago in C&J: January 15, 2011

JEERS to the new Keeper of the Thankless Job.  Oh, drat.  I thought God might intervene and, purely for our amusement, allow Michael Steele to stay on as chairman of the RNC.  Twas not to be.  The new chairman's name is Reince Priebus.  I hate him already—he just made my spellchecker explode. [1/15/21 Update: Hey, brilliant job on that party “rebranding,” Reince. We hope you’re finding your duties at the Burger King fry vat more suitable to your talents.]

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And just one more…

CHEERS to America’s favorite “Girl from the South Side.”  Michelle Obama (who you can follow on twitter here) is the tenth First Lady whose iron-fisted regime I’ve lived under. During her eight way-too-fast years in that official capacity, she was an amazing role model—not only in terms of her grace and humor and intelligence and optimism and down-to-earth authenticity and… (I'll stop there for space reasons—my list of her pluses is 12 pages long, single spaced), but also for throwing open the doors of the White House and making it feel more like the "People's House" than any time I can remember. (For another five days the place will continue to feel more like Berlin circa 1945.)  Sunday is Michelle’s hrrfrrfrfth birthday, and that’s all the reason I need to post these…

I know there's no job description or requirements for the role of presidential spouse, but I think it's fair to say that she set the bar just about as high as it can go. She rocked it. So, in conclusion: Happy happy happy (I'll stop there for space reasons—my list of happys is also 12 pages long) birthday, Michelle, and many blessings on your camels.

P.S. Her too:

This is the final weekend of the Trump administration. Even if I get hit by a bus, develop rickets and a tree falls on my house, it's still gonna be the best weekend ever. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Thoughts and Prayers

The Daily Show remembers the real victims...

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Wait’ll they find out that on January 20th they’ll be forced to go back to their 15-flush toilets again. The horror. The horror.

Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, January 14, 2021

Note: If you wish to return a broken New Year's resolution for a refund or credit toward a future resolution, please take a number and have a seat. Our average wait time this morning is three and a half months. Thanks for your patience.  —Mgt.

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By the Numbers:

Days 'til Martin Luther King, Jr. Day: 4

Days 'til the Sundance Film Festival: 14

Minimum number of criminal case files opened against Republican Party traitors who stormed the Capitol last week: 200

Number of DHS agents who were near the Capitol when Republicans attacked it, but just sat there with their thumbs up their asses waiting to be deployed: 50

Percent chance that "President-elect Joe Biden will be inaugurated on Jan. 20 and will become our 46th president," according to an official statement by the Joint Chiefs of Staff: 100%

Number of presidential inaugurations John Marshall presided over: 9  (2 x Jefferson, 2 x Madison, 2 x Monroe, 1 x J.Q. Adams and 2 x Jackson)

Cost of a ticket to the first inaugural ball—James Madison's—in 1809 at Long's Hotel: $4

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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:

Oh boy! Starting the year off briskly, lending it such tone already, such cachet, such je ne sais quoi—those Republicans are so special, aren't they? Their first move, first rat out of the trap, top priority: lower ethics standards. Yessiree, this 2005 is going to be quite a year.

Let's put that to a vote. Many problems before us—Iraq, a Social Security "crisis," a real health care crisis, world terrorism, our international reputation possibly at its lowest ever ... who is in favor of lowering ethics standards first? Who thinks ethics standards in Washington are too high? […]

Now, I'm not going to conclude that Fascism Is Upon Us just because we have an administration that not only can't find the Constitution but apparently doesn't know there is one. Too early in the year for that. Long way to go. Got to save your indignation. But it is unpleasantly reminiscent of Watergate, isn't it? That's what we're looking at here, folks—not just constitutional deafness, but moral turp as well. All we need is one bag job and an alert night security man.

—January 2005

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Lifeguard on duty…

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CHEERS to a proportional response. Yesterday saw a historic moment of epluribus unuming, Annuit cœptising, and—[double-checks back of dollar bill]—rampant Novus ordo secloruming. For the first time in U.S. history, a president got impeached twice, this time—by a vote of 232-197, with only 10 Republicans including Liz Freaking Cheney—for incitement of insurrection:

President Trump gravely endangered the security of the United States and its institutions of Government. He threatened the integrity of the democratic system, interfered with the peaceful transition of power, and imperiled a coequal branch of Government. He thereby betrayed his trust as President, to the manifest injury of the people of the United States.

Wherefore, Donald John Trump, by such conduct, has demonstrated that he will remain a threat to national security, democracy, and the Constitution if allowed to remain in office, and has acted in a manner grossly incompatible with self-governance and the rule of law. Donald John Trump thus warrants impeachment and trial, removal from office, and disqualification to hold and enjoy any office of honor, trust, or profit under the United States.

Now the House will march the article of impeachment into the esteemed upper chamber atop a Roman shield carried by a half dozen off-duty WWE titans, whereupon it will be voted on by the august body...eventually.  If Trump is found guilty, white smoke will appear from the smokestack and the document will be secured inside a "freedom cylinder" and placed in the Ted Stevens Memorial Tangled-Up Pneumatic Tube, which will go "Thoop!!!" and send it flying out from a hole in the Senate chamber wall and may God have mercy on anyone who happens to be in its path.  (As the official Capitol Hill historian will tell you, that's how we lost Senator Byrd.)

CHEERS to taking care of unfinished business. Michigan's Rick Snyder was one of the worst governors in history. Not just because he replaced governments in black-majority cities with hand-picked "emergency managers" (read: dictators). Not just because he coddled the rich, hated on his LGBT residents, and restricted voting rights. No, his ultimate shame was allowing an entire major city—Flint—to be poisoned by lead-tainted water. He was never held to account for his actions (or inaction), but it now appears that his luck has run out:

The revived criminal investigation into the Flint water crisis expanded this week with charges now expected against former Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder and other ex-officials for their role in the environmental catastrophe that devastated the majority Black city with lead-contaminated water, according to press reports and defense attorneys. […]

The news marked a sharp escalation of the long-dormant prosecution. Critics had once chided criminal investigators for only bringing charges against lower-ranked local and state officials while bypassing Snyder.

Snyder, a Republican who has been out of office for two years, was governor when state-appointed managers in Flint switched the city’s water to the Flint River in 2014 as a cost-saving step while a pipeline was being built to Lake Huron. The water, however, was not treated to reduce corrosion—a disastrous decision affirmed by state regulators that caused lead to leach from old pipes and poison the distribution system used by nearly 100,000 residents.

If there's any justice, he'll spend a few years in prison with nothing but bread and water. Flint water.

CHEERS to stopping with all the shooting and the banging and the bayoneting and whatnot. 237 years ago today, on January 14, 1784, Congress ratified the Treaty of Paris, officially ending our War of Independence:

After the British defeat at Yorktown, peace talks in Paris began in April 1782 between Richard Oswarld representing Great Britain and the American Peace Commissioners Benjamin Franklin, John Jay, and John Adams.

The American negotiators were joined by Henry Laurens two days before the preliminary articles of peace were signed on November 30, 1782. The Treaty of Paris, formally ending the war, was not signed until September 3, 1783. The Continental Congress, which was temporarily situated in Annapolis, Maryland, at the time, ratified the Treaty of Paris on January 14, 1784.

Among the other provisions we secured from Britain: recognition of our borders, repairs to all the airports they damaged, and royalty-free Benny Hill reruns.

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BRIEF SANITY BREAK (Is this grog???)

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JEERS to the evildoers among us. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo issued a warning about al Qaeda this week, saying their base of operations might have moved to Iran. Of course, it's important that we not confuse al Qaeda with the similar-sounding Q-Anon. One is a terrorist operation consisting of brainwashed religious-fanatic right-wing traitors recruiting other aimless losers to plot the violent overthrow of the U.S. government using propaganda, guns, explosive devices, and other tools of violence and mayhem. And the other is al Qaeda.

CHEERS to the 'Miracle on the Hudson.' File this story under “My, how time flies.”  A hundred and fifty five airline passengers got a shock twelve years ago this week when some suicide birds flew into the engines of Flight 1549 as it took off from LaGuardia, leaving it crippled with no way to keep it aloft.  To give you an idea of the freakish nature of the event, and the skill of now-living-legend pilot Chesley Sullenberger in landing the craft, consider this:

"This is only the fourth time in the jet era" that pilots have intentionally put an airliner down in water, said Todd Curtis, a former Boeing safety engineer who runs the AirSafe.com website.

"Sully" has no formal plans to mark the occasion, but he'll probably say a few words.  Nothing prepared, really.  He'll just wing it.

P.S. This week also marks the anniversary of another infamous moment in public transportation: the time the captain of the cruise ship Costa Concordia tried to impress his lady friends by running it onto the rocks off the western coast of Italy. I looked it up, and the traditional nine-year anniversary gift for a preventable shipwreck is a sterling silver facepalm. Same as all the other years.

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Ten years ago in C&J: January 14, 2011

HEH to strange jetfellows.  One of the passengers on Air Force One as it flew to the Tucson memorial service for those killed in the assassination attempt on Rep. Gabby Giffirds was newly-minted Congressman Ben Quayle.  Yeah, that Ben Quayle—son of former VP Mr. Potatoe Head and the guy who in a 2010 campaign ad called President Obama ”the worst president in history.”  I understand Quayle got a little face time with Obama, who had some useful advice for the representative: "We're running late—flap harder!"

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And just one more…

CHEERS to our new digs (pending signature on the lease). Sorry, humanity, but we've now screwed our planet so bad that not even an army of Greta Thunberg's armed with magic wands to make all the fossil fuel industries around the globe disappear in an instant can do anything about it. In another hundred years it's just gonna be cockroaches, swarms of jellyfish, and leftover Twinkies ‘round here. But if that seems like a downer, here's good news! All we need to do is develop escape pods that can travel 4.5 million miles per second in air-conditioned comfort so we can start over again at this sweet little newly-discovered patch of real estate:

A newfound exoplanet is a real blast from the past. Astronomers just confirmed the existence of KOI-5Ab, which was first flagged as a potential planet by NASA's pioneering Kepler space telescope way back in 2009.

The elusive alien world was the second "candidate" ever identified by Kepler, which hunted for planets on two different missions from 2009 through 2018. [T]he data confirmed that KOI-5Ab is indeed a planet, one that's about half as massive as Saturn.

Kepler used the "transit method," spotting the telltale brightness dips caused when alien worlds crossed their host stars' faces from the spacecraft's perspective.

So there ya go, kids. We've saved you from ourselves. We trust you'll name your new home Boomer World in our honor. We’re humbled.

Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

“We live in Cheers and Jeers.  And so, like, can you imagine trying to have two kids on virtual school in a kiddie pool and then trying to do work yourself?”

—Andrew Yang

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Things I'm Looking Forward To. The Return of…

✌ A president who wakes up and the first thing on his mind is his country, not his Twitter feed

✌ A competent cabinet, none of whom have degrees in grifting or ransacking

✌ The White House Science Fair

Continued…

✌  Democratic control of the Executive and Legislative branches…at the same time!

✌  A First Lady whose resting face isn’t a creepy sneer-scowl hybrid and who doesn't wear clothing boasting of the fact that she doesn't care

✌  Membership in the Paris Climate Accord and respect for our NATO allies

✌  A press secretary who tells the truth

✌  15-flush toilets

✌  Senate Committee chairwomen and men with a “D" after their name

✌  The nuclear launch codes in the possession of a stable person

✌  POTUS and FLOTUS attending the Kennedy Center Honors again

✌  An independent Justice Department

✌  Dogs—and a cat—running around the White House

✌  Just getting shit done

And now, our feature presentation...

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Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, January 13, 2021

Note: Today is Wednesday the 13th. No need for any special precautions, but it’s as good a day as any to take a few minutes to check up on the condition of the porn collection in your panic room. Remember: mildew is not your friend.  —Clarence Thomas

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By the Numbers:

Weeks 'til inauguration day: One!!!

Days 'til the Perseverance rover lands on Mars: 36

Percent of Americans polled by Gallup who describe themselves as "totally" conservative, moderate, and liberal: 36%, 35%, 25%

Percent of Americans polled by ABC News-Ipsos who blame Trump for last Wednesday's coup attempt: 67%

Trump job approval in the new Quinnipiac poll: 33%

Number of jobs lost in December, via the Labor Department's latest report of the Trump presidency: -140,000

Percent chance that GM's new logo is designed to draw attention to its new focus on electric cars: 100%

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Mid-week Rapture Index: 184 (including 4 false prophets and 1 important point for the seditionists by God).  Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.

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Puppy Pic of the Day: I think we have a quorum…

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CHEERS to one week and counting. In seven days, Joe Biden will become our 46thpresident. Time to break out the inaugural fun facts:

»  John Quincy Adams was the first president sworn in wearing long trousers (1825).

»  Abraham Lincoln was the first to include African-Americans in his parade (1865). Women were included for the first time in Woodrow Wilson's second inaugural parade (1917).

»  Neither Theodore Roosevelt nor John Quincy Adams swore their oath on a Bible.

»  Jimmy Carter's inaugural parade featured solar heat for the reviewing stand and handicap-accessible viewing (1977).

»  Ronald Reagan's second inaugural had to compete with Super Bowl Sunday (1985).

»  The first ceremony broadcast on the Internet was Bill Clinton's second inauguration (1997).

»  Four retiring presidents have not attended the inaugurations of their successors. Those who were absent: John Adams missed Thomas Jefferson's inaugural.  John Quincy Adams was not present at Andrew Jackson's.  Andrew Johnson was not at Ulysses Grant's ceremony.  Richard Nixon was not present at Gerald Ford's inaugural. [Trump will be #5 when he snubs Joe Biden’s swearing-in.]

And here's some hopeful news: we're now close enough that we can check the Inauguration Day weather forecast for DC. (The historic stats are here at the National Weather Service.)  It couldn't be more symbolic, according to The Weather Channel: morning clouds giving way to afternoon sunshine, with a warmer-than-usual high of 45. Or as we call it in Maine: shorts weather.

CHEERS to impeachment day. Today is impeachment day. The president is going to be impeached. He is a bad president. He tried to become a dictator. He cannot be one. The End.

JEERS to pissing your life away. Sheldon Adelson was born of humble roots in Boston 87 years ago. Then he turned into a greed-obsessed right-wing scumbag…the epitome of the bubble-protected billionaire ($33 billion to be exact) for whom the world was a personal playground to be exploited no matter how many people got hurt. Exhibit A: the countless men and women his casinos lured in and turned into gambling addicts. Plus…

☹  He and his wife Miriam Adelson were Donald Trump's largest donors; they provided the largest donation to Trump's 2016 campaign, his presidential inauguration, his defense fund against the Mueller investigation into Russian interference, and the 2020 campaign.

☹  Adelson's newspaper, the Las Vegas Review-Journal, was the only major newspaper nationwide to endorse Trump in 2016

☹  Deutsche Welle reported that he was one of the largest backers of a hard-right fringe network promoting Islamophobia.

☹  Haaretz wrote that Adelson had "hijacked" the Israeli-American Council to turn it into a pressure group for his "hard-right agenda."

☹  On Iran's suspected nuclear weapons program he said: "You pick up your cell phone and you call somewhere in Nebraska and you say 'OK, let it go' and so there's an atomic weapon goes over, ballistic missiles in the middle of the desert that doesn't hurt a soul, maybe a couple of rattlesnakes and scorpions or whatever."

☹  In February 2013 the Las Vegas Sands, in a regulatory filing, acknowledged that it had likely violated federal law that prohibits the bribing of foreign officials. Allegedly, Chinese officials were bribed to allow Adelson to build his Macau casino.

Well, he's dead now. I'd bet money his trip to the afterlife will involve taking the 'Down' elevator. But, darn it, I have this dumb rule about saying something nice about the recently departed. So here goes: he was once a  candy vendor.  Ah, the banality of evil.

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BRIEF SANITY BREAK (NSFW)

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JEERS to strange reactions. Maine's senior senator Susan Collins says that the first thought that popped into her noggin last Wednesday afternoon, when the insurrection began, was that "the Iranians had followed through on their threat to strike the Capitol." Wow—that's like leaping from A to Z in a single bound while skipping B through Y.  But, to be fair, I can actually understand why she'd think that and get confused. After all, the Republican terrorists' actions were screaming "Death to America."

CHEERS to discus lite.  Wham-O began producing the "Frisbee" 64 years ago today.  Ever wonder where the name comes from?

The Frisbie Baking Company (1871-1958) of Bridgeport, Connecticut, made pies that were sold to many New England colleges. Hungry college students soon discovered that the empty pie tins could be tossed and caught, providing endless hours of game and sport.

Many colleges have claimed to be the home of 'he who was first to fling.' Yale College has even argued that in 1820, a Yale undergraduate named Elihu Frisbie grabbed a passing collection tray from the chapel and flung it out into the campus, thereby becoming the true inventor of the Frisbie and winning glory for Yale. That tale is unlikely to be true since the words 'Frisbie's Pies' was embossed in all the original pie tins and from the word 'Frisbie' was coined the common name for the toy.

Frisbees remind me of the Republican party: Lightweight, logic as contorted as a no-look reverse-flick backhanded corkscrew air bounce, and the only thing keeping them aloft is spin.

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Ten years ago in C&J: January 13, 2011

JEERS to odd departures.  A Republican district chairman in Arizona is calling it quits because of vitriol coming from his own side.  In announcing his decision, Anthony Miller cited "threats from the Tea Party," a group that apparently doesn't find him radical or irrational enough for their liking.  Miller says he wants to spend more time with his family.  Alive.  [1/13/21 Update: A reminder that the GOP has been the party of violent whackadoos, who have no problem threatening their own leaders, for a long time.]

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And just one more…

CHEERS to naming rights. Lost in all the hoopla about trivial issues like—[Reads notes off hand]—World War III, the immolation of Planet Earth, and Republicans' ongoing effort to throw America into the toilet and flush 15 times, is the most pressing issue of our generation: what parents are naming their spawn, of course.  So allow me, via babycenter.com, to terminate the suspense: the most popular boy names of 2020 were Liam, Noah, Jackson and Aiden. Top girl names were Sophia, Olivia, Riley, and Emma. I went through a period of confusion when I was young, thanks to my mom and dad. For the first eighteen years of my life I thought my last name was Billy and my first name was Dammit.

Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

"There might have been a time when Bill in Portland Maine's Cheers and Jeers could mask the fact that he's an empty toilet waiting to be filled with shit, just to give it purpose, but that time has passed."

—Seth Rogan

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No Excuses Now

Two years ago this week the House, led by a new Democratic majority, passed historic legislation virtually moments after the 116th Congress was sworn in. Maine's largest paper, The Portland Press Herald, took a moment to shine a light on H.R. 1 and what its voting rights and election transparency regulations would mean. Back then I wrote in C&J that "these five sentences are worth framing." And since framed things are meant to be revisited occasionally, this seems like a good time, given that we'll soon control all the levers of lawmaking and can both re-introduce the law and enact it with President Biden’s blessing:

The first bill brought forward by Democrats [is] a question—as in, what kind of government do you want?

Continued...

Do you want a government that is fair, one in which the influence of Americans of modest means can at least hope to contend with the influence of the rich and powerful? 

Do you want a government that is open and transparent, one where conflicts of interest are banished or at least disclosed, one where the needs of constituents have a chance against the transactional relationships between elected officials and the money behind them?

Do you want a government that reflects the electorate that it serves, one where the right to vote is universal—and not a function of where you live, how you vote, how much you make or how you look?

With H.R. 1, House Democrats answer “yes” to those questions.

Said soon-to-be-powerless Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell at the time: "It may pass the House, but not the Senate." Uh huh. We'll see about that after next Wednesday.

And now, our feature presentation...

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Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, January 12, 2021

Note: This just in from Chief Justice Roberts: "Me execute oath give eight days faithfully!"

And this just in from the president-elect: “Somebody tell that dog-faced pony soldier oath-goofer to write it down on a three-by-five card this time, ladies and gentlemen. I mean it, no joke. That’s number one. Number two: see number one.”

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By the Numbers:

Days 'til inauguration day: 8

Days 'til the Trump Plaza Hotel & Casino gets imploded in Atlantic City: 17

Percent of Americans polled by PBS NewsHour/Marist who blame Trump for the coup attempt on January 6th: 64%

Percent of Americans who want Trump to be immediately removed from office, according to a Reuters/Ipsos poll: 57%

Percent who described the participants in the attempted coup as either “criminals” or “fools": 79%

Amount Quebec citizens will be fined if they violate an 8pm Covid-related curfew that's in effect for a month: $6,000

Number of marijuana stores, cultivation facilities, and licensed product manufacturing facilities, respectively, in Maine now: 15 / 16 / 9

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Puppy Pic of the Day: XVII is coming on 2/7/21

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CHEERS to double dipping for democracy. Anyone not living inside the Fox News bubble who's been paying attention the last four years knows that the list of impeachment charges against the current president could be as long as your arm. Last year we got him on two counts for his "perfect call" with Ukraine (I can't wait 'til President Biden release the entire transcript of that.) But those were nothing compared to the size of the one that got shoved down his throat yesterday by the House, making him the first president to be so wretched he got impeached twice. An embarrassment for the entire Republican party, which is currently behaving like a drunk waking up from a bender with pork rinds stuck to his head and no idea how to extricate themselves from the gutter:

The "incitement of insurrection" article of impeachment was introduced by Reps. Jamie Raskin, D-Md., Ted Lieu, D-Calif., and David Cicilline, D-R.I., along with more than 210 Democratic co-sponsors. […]

"President Trump gravely endangered the security of the United states and its institutions of Government He threatened the integrity of the democratic system, interfered with the peaceful transfer of power, and imperiled a coequal branch of Government. He thereby betrayed his trust as President, to the manifest injury of the people of the United States," the article says.

The impeachment article also cited Trump's call with the Georgia Republican secretary of state where he urged him to "find" enough votes for Trump to win the state [and] the Constitution's 14th Amendment, noting that it "prohibits any person who has 'engaged in insurrection or rebellion against' the United States" from holding office.

The House will likely vote tomorrow. As the members of Congress are casting their votes on behalf of their constituents, the Founding Fathers will be looking down and muttering themselves, "We had to write the 14th to stop that guy???"  Yeah.  Sorry 'bout that.

CHEERS to Team Biden Super Spooks Action League!!!  Now we know who #46 is sending to the basement of [location of undisclosed location deleted] to take on the covert evildoers who have spent the last four years invading and attacking our nation's elections, utilities, and national security infrastructure with impunity. Since the Trump administration is still in charge for 8 more days, C&J was able to waltz into the basement of [location of undisclosed location deleted again, and if you force me to delete it a third time you're all going to Gitmo] and steal these exclusive details from the dossier on CIA Director nominee Dr. William Joseph Burns:

»  Born 1956 at Fort Bragg, North Carolina

»  B.A. in history from la Salle University in Philadelphia; Marshall Scholar at Oxford, earning a Masters and doctorate in Philosophy

»  Spent 33 years in the foreign service, including stints as ambassador to Jordan and Russia, Assistant Secretary of State for Near East Affairs, and Undersecretary of State for Political Affairs.

»  Speaks Russian, Arabic and French

»  Awards earned: all of them including the coveted EGOT.

»  Does he like long walks on the beach at sunset with a daiquiri in one hand and the reins of his pet llama "Porter Goss" in the other? He could tell you, but then he'd have to kill you.

»  He might kill you, anyway, just for that attitude you seem to be copping about the llama.

»  No, he will not "drop it already." You started it!

Before this escalates any further, I suggest we all print out the above, eat it, and never speak of it again. Welcome aboard, sir. I've never heard of you, and you were never here.

JEERS to our hunka hunka burnin' planet. How hot was 2020? Hotter than Donald Trump's brain cell after he got his twitter account taken away forever. Hotter than the seat a Wall Street bankster sits on as Rep. Katie Porter pulls out her white board and says, "My first question to you is…"  It was so hot that Franklin Graham began telling his flock that unrepentant sinners would start being re-routed from hell to fry for eternity in Oklahoma. It was hotter than the steam coming out of Greta Thunberg's ears as her pleas for action climate change were ignored for another year. Yeah…that hot:

2020 has officially become the joint-hottest year on record, the European Union’s Copernicus Climate Change Service has confirmed.

The year, which ties with 2016, rounds off the hottest decade globally ever on record as the impacts of climate change intensify.

In 2016 the extreme heat was partly attributed to the end of an El Niño event, a huge ocean-atmosphere climate interaction which results in warming in sea surface temperatures across swathes of the Pacific Ocean.  2020 had no such event.

2021 is on track to fill the record books with more awful heat. Even worse, more of my awful heat metaphors.

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BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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JEERS to another waste of Air Force One frequent-flier miles. Seizing on the chance to rehabilitate his legacy after leading the attempted seizure-by-force of the United States government, President Trump travels to Alamo, Texas (not the actual Alamo as originally reported) to deliver the final construction invoice to Mexico through one of the slats in his glorious—and gloriously-scalable—border wall that no one is happy with:

[The wall is] far more than critics wanted, far less than he wanted, and none it funded by Mexico.

At last count, some 452 miles has been built. About 12 miles of that is along segments of the border without any barrier before. The rest replaces shorter and less sturdy barrier.

The project has cost $15 billion so far, just $4.5 billion of that provided by Congress. Trump diverted the rest from the military budget when lawmakers balked at full funding. … By the time he leaves office, it will be about 40% fenced.

During his trip, he'll spend some time seething over the fact that the prestigious 2022 PGA Championship, originally scheduled at one of his golf resorts, is being moved somewhere else that's not owned and operated by a tinpot dictator-wannabe. Smart move. As soon as he leaves office, everyone’s gonna desert his properties and leave him with no revenue and lots of bills, leading to their inevitable—wait for it—“Fore!”...closure.  (The dog’s punchline. Not bad for a mutt.)

CHEERS to my li'l inaugural checklist.  Since next Wednesday is going to be a nonstop whirling dervish of crazy, I'm writing down the essentials I'll need to adequately participate in the events of January 20, 2021:

» Hope

» Optimism

» Awe

» Relief

» Euphoria

» A gnawing sense of hard-wired cynicism fueled by the creeping yet irrational suspicion that this guy is going to act like a typical politician, over-compromising and under-reaching, ultimately ending up just another in a long string of disappointments and paving the way for President Eric Trump.

And also a giant wheel of cheese embossed with the presidential seal. Low-salt, please.

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Ten years ago in C&J: January 12, 2011

CHEERS to Day 4.  All of the wounded victims still at Tucson’s University Medical Center continue to improve, according to doctors.  As for Congresswoman Giffords, her neurosurgeon says she has a 100 percent chance of survival now. And she continues making progress in performing simple tasks.  C&J slipped a spycam into ICU and here's a transcript of this morning's routine:

Doctor: If your name is Gabby, lift your index finger.  [Lifts index finger]

Doctor: If the current month is January, lift two fingers.  [Lifts two fingers]

Doctor: Can you mop the floor and make me breakfast?  [Lifts middle finger]

Excellent.

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And just one more…

CHEERS to America's dispensers-in-white.  Today is National Pharmacist Day, when we acknowledge a profession whose members quietly go about their task of filling prescriptions correctly, promptly and safely before ringing them up along with our peanut M&Ms, People magazine, Swiffer pad replacements and dental floss.

They'll celebrate the usual way, by inviting customers to pick a goodie from the giant bowl containing pills they found on the floor over the course of the year.

Usual caveat applies: if you pick the one shaped like a dodecahedron, allow yourself three days to come down.

Have a trippy Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

“I just had such a strong reaction to Cheers and Jeers and it caught me off guard. Usually I save my crying for special occasions…like when I’m pregnant!”

—Gal Gadot

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Oh Say Can You See That Clusterf*ck?

Just as Francis Scott Key wrote The Star Spangled Banner after watching the bombing of Fort McHenry, so too did America's #1 political musical parodist put quill to parchment as he watched the Republican gooberstapo revolt at the Capitol. With a little more cowbell, it could be our new national anthem until Hair Twitler flees to Russia...

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Nine days and counting. (Unless his clogged arteries decide to stage their own revolt before then.)

Cheers and Jeers for Monday, January 11, 2021

Note: Hey, I have a great idea.  Maybe we can just water the tree of liberty with, like, y'know...just water?

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By the Numbers:

Days 'til inauguration day: 9

Days 'til Bald Eagle Appreciation Days in Keokuk, Iowa: 5

Percent of registered voters polled by YouGov who say the terrorist invasion of the U.S. Capitol was wrong (with 45% of Republicans saying it was fine): 71%

Average number of thunderstorms, floods, and tornadoes, respectively, in the U.S. every year: 10,000 / 5,000 / 1,300

Percent of presidentially-declared disasters for which weather events are responsible: 90%

Rank of San Francisco, Portland OR, and Washington DC among the best cities for a carless lifestyle, according to data crunched by Lawnstarter: #1, #2, #3

Rank of Shreveport LA, Montgomery AL, and Little Rock AR among worst cities for a carless lifestyle: #1, #2, #3

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Puppy Pic of the Day: After the Georgia runoff elections, Chuck Schumer be like…

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CHEERS to your morning reality check. Let's zoom out and see if World War Trump has destroyed the planet yet:

Hey, look at that! Still in one piece. Good! Then again—[Looks at watch]—it's early.

CHEERS to a historic two-fer. Democrats in the House could introduce an article of impeachment today against President Donald J. Trump. But instead of nailing him for trying to steal an election by extorting "a favor, though" from Ukraine, today the charge is—[checks notes]—trying to steal an election by inciting an insurrection among his mentally-deranged cult at the U.S. Capitol who, among other things, wanted to find and hang his own vice president:

There is more backing within the House Democratic caucus for impeaching Trump now than there was in 2019 when Trump was first impeached, [Speaker] Pelosi said, according to multiple sources on the call. "The President chose to be an insurrectionist," Pelosi said, according to one source said. "How we go forward is a subject for this caucus." […]

As Pelosi and her leadership team ran through their options Thursday night, the overwhelming sentiment was that impeachment was the way forward, according to multiple sources.

Regardless of what the Senate does, Trump will be the first president in our 245-year history to be such a human cesspool of corruption and unrepentance that he had to be impeached twice by the House. And he never even broke a sweat.

CHEERS to the not-so-artful dodger.  Happy 258th birthday to Alexander Hamilton.  He was one of our country's youngest Founding Fathers, but he wasn't very good at avoiding controversy (adultery, skullduggery in the 1800 election) or ye olde musket ball.  And here's something for the pootie diaries:

People today still name their tomcats after Alexander Hamilton in deference to his infamous many extramarital affairs. Martha Washington was the first as she named her large carousing tomcat 'Hamilton.'

Pay your respects here.  Or just pull out a ten-spot and pat his head.

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JEERS to the worst tote board in the world. Insurrection or no insurrection, the coronavirus pandemic rages on. And with President Trump distracted by the worst crisis in world history—the loss of his Twitter account—the virus is in complete control at the moment. Worldwide there are now 90 million cases—over 20 percent of them in the U.S.  Here are this week's numbers for the C&J historical record, courtesy of the most depressing tote board in the world, as our death toll now roughly equals the population of America’s 53rd-largest city Cleveland, Ohio:

6 months ago: 3.4 million confirmed cases. 138,000 deaths.

3 months ago: 8 million confirmed cases. 219,000 deaths

1 month ago: 17 million confirmed cases. 305,000 deaths

This morning: 23 million confirmed cases. 382,000 deaths

As for that super-easy-to-spread variant of Covid-19, The New York Times says it's absolutely here and it's gonna kill all the grandmas, but NBC News says no, no, no, not so fast, that's not true, but the New York Times is all like, yuh-huh, we got that directly from Dr. Deborah Birx, but NBC News says you dingleberries are so dopey, the CDC says it's not true and what the hell are you doing listening to anything that freaking Deborah Birx has to say, after she got caught nodding her head when Donald Freaking Trump said people might consider injecting bleach "almost like a cleaning." So glad we cleared that up.

CHEERS to clearing the air....and the lungs. Speaking of health menaces, 57 years ago today, in 1964, U.S. Surgeon General Luther Terry issued the first government report saying smoking may be hazardous to your health. (This came as quite a shock to some of tobacco's most fervent supporters, like doctors and Ronald Reagan.) The report had quite the impact:

The landmark Surgeon General's report on smoking and health stimulated a greatly increased concern about tobacco on the part of the American public and government policymakers and led to a broad-based anti-smoking campaign. …

The report was also responsible for the passage of the Cigarette Labeling and Advertising Act of 1965, which, among other things, mandated the familiar Surgeon General's health warnings on cigarette packages.

If you're in the process of quitting or thinking of quitting, go for it.  Your lungs and your bank account will thank you.

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Ten years ago in C&J: January 11, 2011 (aka 1/11/11)

JEERS to a really bad weekend. First, the big picture: A federal judge, a little kid, and four others were killed Saturday afternoon and a dozen were wounded when a lily-white—wild guess here—"loner" with a paranoia fetish tried to assassinate Arizona Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, who was at one point falsely declared dead by the media.  Doctors are cautiously optimistic that Giffords will pull through, although the extent of the brain damage is far from known. It might not be terribly out of line for me to point out the irony of a massacre taking place in front of a sign that says "Safeway."  But then again it probably is.

1/11/21 Update:

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And just one more…

CHEERS to bitchy jokesters.  January 10, 1982 was a dark day for my little (pop. 15,000) birth hamlet of Mount Vernon, Ohio. Our most famous son, Paul "Center Square" Lynde, was found dead of a heart attack at 55—the age I turned two years ago, so I can officially tell you that’s young—in his Beverly Hills home, and our town just froze for the day (in fairness, it was the middle of January). It’s no longer a secret that most of the jokes Lynde got credit for on Hollywood Squares were created by professional writers with a real knack for double entendres. But Paul’s campy gift for timing elevated them to comedy hall-of-fame material:

Peter Marshall: Paul, the state flag of Alabama is all white with one very distinctive feature. What is it? Paul Lynde: Eye holes.

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Peter Marshall: Paul, in what famous book will you read about a talking ass who wonders why it's being beaten? Paul Lynde: The Joy of Sex.

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Peter Marshall: Will a newborn baby learn anything by the time he's 5 days old? Paul Lynde: Yes, we should avoid each other when we're drinking.

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Peter Marshall: According to the French Chef, Julia Child, how much is a pinch? Paul Lynde: Just enough to turn her on.

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Peter Marshall: Paul, Poe’s The Raven said, “Nevermore.” What did Gilbert and Sullivan’s Dickie Bird say? Paul Lynde: "Let’s not wallow in Watergate."

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Peter Marshall: In the The Wizard of Oz, the lion wanted courage and the tin man wanted a heart. What did the scarecrow want? Paul Lynde: He wanted the tin man to notice him.

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And the classic that put him on the map:

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

You'll find tons of clips and info at the official Lynde fan site and here.  He was an interesting—and frustrating—transitional figure on the LGBT timeline of the 60s and 70s.  Even though his lips never said "I'm gay," his demeanor—including as Uncle Arthur on Bewitched—screamed it. But scores of homophobic female fans never figured it out, and their adoring fan mail, including marriage proposals, never stopped filling his mailbox. Peter Marshall famously said, "Paul made the world safe for sissies."  And I admit, it's nice not having to lock my door at night.

Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

“So how is the 2021 Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool so far? Pretty OK? No different? Colder?”

—Kelly Lawler

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The Week Ahead

Monday The first full week of the 117th Congress begins with Speaker Nancy Pelosi at the helm of the House for a historic fourth term. No longer taking up valuable oxygen in the chamber: Dan Lipinski, Steve King, and Doug Collins. Golly they'll be missed, said no one.

The first full week of Brexit also begins, officially severing the UK from the European Union it joined in 1973. But don’t worry, they’ll be fine. When have conservatives ever steered a country wrong?

Continued…

Tuesday After weeks of record-setting early voting, Georgians get one last chance to head to the polls and vote in two elections that will determine the balance of power in the U.S. Senate. If Democrats Jon Ossoff & Raphael Warnock win, you get an extra $1,400 of covid relief in your pocket, plus President Biden's judges and Supreme Court nominees, climate/green energy legislation, a $15 minimum wage, a new Voting Rights Act, the Equality Act, gun control, and and massive infrastructure projects. If Trump cultists David Perdue & Kelly Loeffler win, you get to own the libs. So, y'know…flip a coin.

Wednesday With all eyes fixated on the Senate chamber, the envelopes containing the certified electoral votes of all 50 states from the 2020 presidential election are opened by Mike Pence, who will either declare Joseph R. Biden the winner or make a fast getaway after chewing them up and swallowing them. Following the session, light refreshments will be served on a platter, along with Josh Hawley’s head.

Thursday House Republicans demand the impeachment of President-elect Biden. The official charge: "Something…anything!"

The pandemic suddenly disappears and things get back to normal. Moments later, my alarm clock goes off.

Friday The unemployment numbers for December are released. As usual: if they're good, the president will take all the credit. If they're bad, the president will accuse unemployed people of trying to make him look bad and declare them enemies of the state.

For yet another week, the climate will continue to make good on its promise of delivering change. The maniacal laughter that accompanies it will be troubling.

Saddle up. We have 361 days of 2021 left to tame.

And now, our feature presentation...

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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, January 4, 2021

Note: "Former President Trump."  "Ex-Vice President Pence."  Y'know, I'm warming up to the idea.

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By the Numbers:

Days 'til inauguration day: 16

First-time unemployment claims for the final week of 2020: 787,000

Percent of Americans polled by Suffolk University/USA Today who believe that the electoral college should and should not, respectively, be abolished so that the president can be elected via popular vote: 49%, 47%

Minimum percent of dentists surveyed by the ADA who say they've seen an increase in tooth grinding and jaw pain among their patients since the pandemic began: 50%

Percent of Americans polled by Fox News who agree that 2020 was a bad year: 78%

Percent of Americans who slept through 2020, apparently: 22%

Lifespan of Adobe Flash: 1996-2020

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Monday feeling…

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CHEERS to January! Anyone who enjoys winter sports is in heaven this month. And hot clam chowder (or your favorite soup, since it's Soup Month) on a frigid, snowy day is unbeatable!

Nancy Pelosi maintains her grip on the Speaker's gavel, doing her damndest to help enact the agenda of Joe Biden, whose landslide electoral vote tally will officially be counted in Congress Wednesday, but not before, lord willing, Jon Ossoff and Raphael Warnock win the Senate races tomorrow and turn control of the upper chamber to the Demon Rats!!!

Plus: minimum wage hikes kick in all over the damn place! It’s Clean Your Computer Month! Be Kind to Food Servers Month! FDR's birthday! Australia Day! National Pie Day! California Dried Plum Digestive Health Month! Marijuana may become legal (or "more legal") in nearly a dozen states! This Saturday is Static Electricity Day, aka The Day the Cat Disappears Into the Closet and Doesn't Come Out Until the Day After Static Electricity Day!

We get a "Full Wolf Moon" on the 28th!  MLK Jr. Day is the 18th, two days before the D.C. swamp is drained as Joe Biden takes the oath as our 46th president!!! Here’s an interesting bit of trivia: Today is National Trivia Day! And best of all, this month exclamation points are buy-one-get-one-free!!! Whee!!! What fun!!!

JEERS to keeping track of America’s fugliest numbers. It may be a new year, but unfortunately there's nothing new about our weekly check on the pandemic as the mighty Covid-19 Wurlitzer plays on. 85 million cases worldwide at the moment—over 20 percent of them in the U.S.  Here are this week's numbers for the C&J historical record, courtesy of the most depressing tote board in the world, as our death toll now roughly equals the population of America’s 55th-largest city Anaheim, California:

6 months ago: 3 million confirmed cases. 133,000 deaths.

3 months ago: 7.7 million confirmed cases. 215,000 deaths

1 month ago: 15 million confirmed cases. 288,000 deaths

This morning: 21 million confirmed cases. 360,000 deaths

Adding to the bad news is the catastrophic fact that Donald Trump is president for two more weeks of dithering, and the pandemic isn’t even close to over.  Anyone know how to safely induce a coma ‘til January 20th? (Oh, right…silly me. Just turn on the Hallmark Channel.)

CHEERS to routing the redcoats. 243 years ago this week, during our War of Independence, George Washington's army drove back a British attack at the Battle of Assunpink Creek and Municipal Airport near Trenton, New Jersey. This was the follow-up to Washington's famous crossing of the Delaware, where he defeated the Hessians by using the aroma of fresh pan-fried wienerschnitzel to lure them into a giant pit:

General William Howe, the British Commander-in-Chief of North America was furious with the defeat at Trenton. He canceled Lieutenant General Charles Cornwallis' scheduled leave to Britain for the winter and ordered him to Princeton immediately. […]

Washington's men held back three assaults from the British, felling hundreds of British soldiers in the process, causing Cornwallis to hold a council to decide what to do. … Washington took advantage of the break. … When Cornwallis arose in the morning, to his horror, Washington's entire army was gone.

You might say Cornwallis got his Assunpink handed to him. Ha Ha Ha!!!  (Aren't you glad C&J is around for a whole 'nother year of this? Me, too.)

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CHEERS to adding bleach to the dirty laundering. When the Panama Papers were released five years ago, they shined a damning spotlight on our status as one of the world's top havens for anonymous shell companies operated by the scum of the earth, from sex traffickers to your basic arms merchants of death. But given how things work in our government, I figured nothing would come of them. Happy to be wrong: included in the defense bill that Congress just passed into law over Trump's veto is the Corporate Transparency Act. Over at NBC News, Ian Gary is coming out of his socks with equal parts relief and amazement:

For decades, national security officials, law enforcement officers, human rights groups and anti-corruption advocates have seen the ability to form and misuse anonymous shell companies as arguably the biggest loophole in our anti-money-laundering framework. […]

[T]his act will take the simple yet effective step of requiring companies to report the names of their true owners at the time of formation and update the data upon any changes in ownership.

Despite the bill’s simplicity, its significance is grand. After more than a decade of debate and inaction in Washington, criminals, kleptocrats, tax cheats and terrorists will no longer be able to hide behind the veil of secret companies formed in the United States.

Cool! Now Congress will move on to putting American political fundraising through the legal wringer. Ha ha…my best punch line of 2021 so far.

CHEERS to 84,904 square miles of madcap fun. Happy 124th Birthday to Utah—aka the "Beehive Hairdo State"—which entered the union on January 4th, 1896. The state animal is the Rocky Mountain Elk. The state gem is topaz. The state bird is, oddly, the California Sea Gull. And the state fossil remains, of course, Orrin Hatch.

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Ten years ago in C&J: January 4, 2011

OH GOD to the deity whisperer.  I know you're on pins and needles waiting to hear what God told Pat Robertson to tell the 700 Club to tell CBS News to tell me to tell you, so I'll spare the formalities and cut to the chase:

Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson says God told him that the U.S. is bankrupt and heading into economic turmoil, but there won't be a global nuclear holocaust.  Robertson said God told him that America's lenders will demand repayment—not this year, but in 2012—and the U.S. won't be able to pay, resulting in currency collapse, rampant unemployment and riots.

Economics and thermonuclear war?  Nothing about the poor?  Nothing about the sick?  Nothing about the hungry?  Nothing about the downtrodden or the less-fortunate or the oppressed?  Or the wicked or the greedy or the hypocritical or the tyrannical?  Pat obviously caught the Lord on an Old Testament day.  [1/4/21 Update: God also told Robertson that Trump would win the election “without question.” Oops. I think He needs to leave the predictions to Daily Kos Elections and go back to work at Shake Shack.]

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And just one more…

CHEERS to cleaning up a little unfinished business. Last week in C&J we reminded ourselves that our Friday "Who Won the Week" polls offered ample evidence throughout 2020 that there was a small army of do-gooders—from clear-eyed judges putting the brakes on Republican efforts to seize power, to scientists giving us the tools necessary to put the brakes on the coronavirus—who prevented the year from being a total washout. We covered three out of the four quarters of the year, and it'd be downright gooberiffic of us to not give the fourth its due. So here are the winners of the week from October through December, including I believe the first time (Nov. 20) a hardcore Republican has hauled home the trophy:

Oct 2 New York Times Reporters Russ Buettner, Susanne Craid, and Mike McIntire, for getting hold of Trump's tax returns going back decades to confirm he's nothing but a broke, corrupt, desperate huckster

Oct 9 The federal & state law enforcement officials who stopped a right-wing terrorist cell—emboldened by President Trump—from kidnapping Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer

Oct 16 The estimated 21,000,000 Americans, including those standing in outrageous lines to shatter early-voting records in Texas, Georgia and other states, who have early-voted

Oct 23 Team Biden-Harris: rockin' the polls; strong closing ads; earns USA Today's first POTUS endorsement; crushes it at debate; Obama filets Trump in Philly speech

Oct 30 The 84 million early voters, and all the phone/text bankers, door knockers, postcard writers, and ride-givers who have turned out to make sure Trump and his evil enablers get turned out

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Nov 6 "All of the above"—related to Democratic wins in the historic 2020 elections

Nov 13 Team Biden-Harris: officially our new POTUS/VPOTUS-elect with 306 EVs, 5+ million vote lead; Joe's Covid task force earns rave reviews; and Nationals ask him to throw out first 2021 pitch

Nov 20 Georgia Sec. of State Brad Raffensperger (R), for fiercely defending the state's election integrity & certifying the results for Biden despite pressure to rig them for Trump (who later called Raffensperger "an enemy of the people")

Nov 27 Team Biden-Harris: Smashes 80 million votes, leading Trump by over 6 mil; PA, MI, MN, & NV join GA election certification for Joe/Kamala; rave reviews for cabinet picks; transition access officially granted.

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Dec 4 America's medical professionals enduring burnout and red-hatted covidiots to keep on saving lives as the pandemic spirals out of control

Dec 11 (Tie) PA Attorney General Josh Shapiro, for calling the Texas lawsuit attempting to nullify the 2020 election a "seditious abuse of the judicial process" … and Team Biden-Harris: "Safe Harbor Day" makes win official; 57 post-election court victories, including two at Supreme Court; Joe & Kamala voted TIME Persons of the Year

Dec 18 Medical scientists, as Pfizer and Moderna vaccines & rapid at-home test get FDA approval, and the first vaccine goes to nurse Sandra Lindsay of Long Island Jewish Medical Center

Dec 26 The doctors, nurses, hospital administrative staff, and first-responders working round-the-clock as covid casts its pall over the holidays

Stay tuned as the 2021 winner's circle fills up with heroes and achievers who go above and beyond to make this magma-filled everlasting galactic gobstopper a more pleasant place on which to hurtle through space. Make sure you slather on plenty of aloe gel—you know how easily you chap at 67,000 miles per hour.

Oh, and quick programming note: Stacey Abrams is on with Stephen Colbert tonight (11:30, CBS) to talk about the Georgia senate vote. Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

“Bill in Portland Maine—think about what a yutz this guy is!"

—George Clooney

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Past, Meet Present

Those of you who read C&J, including our devoted oral historians who commit each column to memory and pass them down to future generations around the campfire, know that I have always compiled the definitive year-in-review extravaganzas. But like the last three, I’m throwing this year out the window. No way am I gonna slog through 2020 again. Best thing for us all is to encase these 366 days in cement and toss 'em off a pier.

Instead, we're doing something different. You may have read in the papers that a Democratic challenger clobbered the Republican incumbent 537 electoral votes to 1 in last month's presidential election, and will embark on his first year in office 20 days henceforthwith. Notably, he was the previous Democratic president's vice president. So this morning we thought it'd be fun to look back—via C&Js we posted in 2009—at some highlights from Year 1 of the Obama-Biden administration.

It's a timely reminder of what it was like when we last had an adult in charge of the executive branch, and a preview of what it'll be like having another one behind the resolute desk. Enjoy…

Note: In the interests of world peace, C&J will be off tomorrow so that we may spend some quality time drunk in the gutter. We'll return Monday for another year of homespun mediocrity delivered from a wingback chair under the Monet in the drawing room. We wish you and yorn a safe and happy New Year's holiday. Don’t forget to feed the cat.  —Mgt.

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C&J Remembers the Obama-Biden Administration’s First Year

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January: During his first 100 hours in office, President Obama puts in motion an end to the Iraq War, re-legitimizes contraception to reduce unwanted pregnancies and the spread of disease, strikes fear in the hearts in our enemies and euphoria in the hearts of our allies, takes science off the Bush terror watch list, restricts the reach of lobbyists, and gives the nation a new sense of hope, mission, and identity. After Obama takes the oath, now-"former" president Bush boards a helicopter and flies back to the only state where he feels welcome: denial.

"Shortly after his inauguration, Obama spoke on the phone to the leader of the Palestinians and the leader of the Israelis. Both men started their call by asking Obama, 'Hey, what was the deal with Aretha Franklin's hat?" —Conan O'Brien

February: President Obama signs an expansion of the State Children's Health Insurance Program (CHIP)—which Bush had vetoed—into law. He also makes history by being the first black president to address a joint session of Congress, offering a sober assessment of the way things are and how to rebound (duct tape and $20 trillion in unmarked bills).  The response: 67 outbursts of applause and 37 standing ovations.  Also, for the first time ever during a presidential speech, the Supreme Court justices start a wave.  Several injuries are reported.

"I hereby appoint myself the president's Tell-People-Where-to-Go-and-What-to-Kiss Czar. Fox News, if you want an exclusive: pucker up!"

—Wanda Sykes

March: First Lady Michelle Obama and a gaggle of kids turn over sod on the south lawn and plant vegetables in the new White House "kitchen garden."  They would've used the north lawn but they kept running into the bodies of Nixon's enemies.

April: The Obamas welcome a rambunctious new puppy.  Newt Gingrich adds his magic touch to the moment, saying: "I think that this whole thing is fairly stupid."  Mainly because he knows they won't be kicking it.

May: President Obama creates an uproar when he orders a cheeseburger with "Dijon mustard."  The Senate Culinary Committee hearings are brutal and he barely escapes impeachment.

June: Speaking in Egypt, President Obama threads a needle and gives the Middle East a pep talk in which he promotes respect for religious diversity, women's rights, peaceful co-existence, political freedom, nuclear disarmament, and fighting terrorism. But even more impressive, he accomplishes one thing that historians consider a high point in the first year of his presidency: knocking Joe Scarborough off the TV for an entire hour.

July: President Obama has a lovely meeting with the Pope in Vatican City.  The two exchange gifts (a book on bioethics for Obama; DVDs of Sister Act and Sister Act 2 for Benedict), and then visit the Vatican cafeteria where they look for Virgin Marys in the grilled cheese sandwiches.

August: Diabetics across America celebrate as the Senate approves the nomination of one of their own, Sonia Sotomayor, as the next Associate Justice of the Supreme Court.  Hispanics are somewhat jazzed about it, too.

"Rush and his ilk have come up with a name for the first Hispanic on the Supreme Court that's been 99 percent white men for 200 years, and that name is 'reverse racist.' Sonia Sotomayor is a racist and someone has to stop her because for too long white men have been kept down by powerful Puerto Rican women!"  —Bill Maher, 2009

September: The government reports that household income increased by two-trillion dollars in the second quarter of 2009.  Unfortunately it all goes to one household—the Gladys Higginbotham residence in Dubuque.  Economists agree: that was one helluva scratch ticket.

October: After President Obama wakes the EPA from its eight-year slumber and gives it a chance to wipe the pixie dust from its eyes, the agency announces it's taking steps to control emissions from power plants, factories and refineries; denies 79 permit applications for mountaintop-removal coal mining, citing the Clean water Act; and launches a sweeping overhaul of the Toxic Substances Control Act of 1976.  But they promise to work even harder on day two.

November: Democrats suddenly discover there's a midterm election coming up, and announce their intention to create a big jobs bill to help knock down the 10.2% unemployment rate.  Among the expected national projects: roads, bridges, schools, hospitals, and President Obama's long-sought U.S.-Kenya Chunnel.

President Obama in Oslo, accepting his Nobel Peace Prize: I'm living testimony to the moral force of non-violence...the creed and lives of Gandhi and King. But as a head of state, sworn to protect and defend my nation, I cannot be guided by their examples alone. ... Our challenge is reconciling these two seemingly irreconcilable truths—we can understand that there will be war and still strive for peace. Jon Stewart:  Unghh!!  Obama forcing us to live in an area between absolutes. BRAIN HURTS! COMPLICATED!!! —The Daily Show

December: Less than 24 hours after President Obama holds a "Jobs Summit," the unemployment rate falls two-tenths of a percent.  The White House is so excited by its success that they immediately schedule a Jobs Conference, Jobs Roundtable, Jobs Gaggle, Jobs Bazaar, Jobs Meet-Up, Jobs Huddle, Jobs Amish Barn-raising, Jobs Flash Mob, and Jobs Canasta Tournament in Joe Biden's Living Room. 

And one more...

Real presidents get vaccinated:

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Happy New Year! See you Monday morning. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Welcome to the Home Stretch

Happy Monday. Let’s get this party started.

In 23 days he’ll be lucky to find a job as assistant manager at the Muncie Ace Hardware.

Cheers and Jeers for Monday, December 28, 2020

Note: If you didn’t get what you wanted for Hanukkah or Christmas, here's good news: today is the official observation of Boxing Day. That means you can take the crappy stuff you got on Friday up to Canada and exchange it for a mystery box that might contain something better. Of course, you'll first have to engage in with border officials to shoot your way into the country. But c'mon—you might end up swapping out that ugly sweater for the actual CN Tower or even Rick Moranis. Give it a whirl, eh.  —Mgt.

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By the Numbers:

Days 'til 2021: 4

Percent of Americans polled by USA Today who already believe Trump is a failed president: 50%

Percent who said the same thing about Barack Obama at the end of his presidency: 23%

Percent of Americans polled by Vox/Data For Progress who support President-elect Joe Biden's 100-day mask mandate: 69%

Minimum number of Georgians who have already voted in the runoff election (voting ends January 5th): 2 million

Percent of Russians who say they trust the Sputnik V (yes, that’s its real name) coronavirus vaccine enough to take it, according to NPR: 38%

Andrew Yang's current position atop PPP's New York City mayoral election poll: #1

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Christmas morning WIN…

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CHEERS to blessed silence.  They've turned off the Christmas carols.  It's safe to come out now.  We hope you were as fortunate as we were by making it through another season without hearing the Kenny G version of Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer or FIFA’s rendition of The Little Vuvuzela Boy.  But we’re not entirely out of the woods yet. Nothing but non-stop Auld Lang Syne for the next four days, and Grandpa’s still only on page 16 of his Festivus grievances. (This CHEER is sponsored by ACME earplugs. Remember: If you haven’t heard a thing about ACME Earplugs, you must already be using ACME earplugs.)

JEERS to keeping track of America’s fugliest numbers. The mighty Covid-19 Wurlitzer plays on with 81 million cases worldwide—over 20 percent of them in the U.S.  Our weekly tradition of maintaining a benchmark of the still-escalating awfulness for the C&J historical record continues, so let’s check the most depressing tote board in the world as our death toll now roughly equals the population of America’s 56th-largest city Honolulu, Hawaii:

6 months ago: 2.6 million confirmed cases. 128,000 deaths.

3 months ago: 7.3 million confirmed cases. 209,000 deaths

1 month ago: 13.6 million confirmed cases. 273,000 deaths

This morning: 20 million confirmed cases. 340,000 deaths

As for vaccine distribution: it's happening, but it's going slower than expected. Distributors at Pfizer and Moderna say they figured something was up when the White House changed the name of its emergency vaccine effort from Operation Warp Speed to Project Palm Beach Tee Time.

CHEERS to America's new Principal Skinner. While Betsy DeVos was busy fighting off grizzly bears and telling employees at the Department of Education to mutiny against the next president, our next president Joe Biden was announcing her replacement. Dr. Miguel Cardona is the superintendent of Connecticut's school system, and unlike DeVos, Dr. Cardona is—oh, what's the word—competent. Some of his particulars:

»  Born in Connecticut to Puerto Rican parents during the ruthless Gerald Ford dictatorship. His first language: Spanish.

»  Got his B.A. from Central Connecticut State and his MS and EdD from the University of Connecticut.

»  Started out as a fourth-grade public school teacher, then became the youngest principal in the state and, later, an assistant superintendent of schools in his hometown of Meriden, Connecticut.

»  Appointed Connecticut's Commissioner of Education by Gov. Ned Lamont last year, the first Latino in the state to hold the position.

»  Married with two kids.

His #1 job: getting a majority of students safely back in schools within President Biden's first 100 days. Right after he requisitions the Army Corps of Engineers to bulldoze the pile of DeVos's Amway shit out of his office.

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JEERS to rude holiday surprises. Shock and outrage last week as some idiot with obvious brain damage and a short fuse decided to drop a bomb right in the middle of the holiday season. It was a scene of chaos and carnage, leaving several outraged victims to wonder what the hell happened. And as the evildoers scampered away, laughing, back to their Christmas parties, the justice system was left having to deal with the fallout and trying to make sense of it . But enough about Trump's pardons. Did you hear about the RV explosion in Tennessee?

CHEERS to keeping things in focus. Happy 449th birthday, technically yesterday, to Johannes Kepler, the "founder of modern optics." Among many other accomplishments, he designed the first lenses to help farsightedness and nearsightedness. Sadly for our current political class, there was nothing in his bag of tricks to help shortsightedness.

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Ten years ago in C&J: December 28, 2010

CHEERS to news from the world of medicine.  Here's the latest from the land of lab coats and clipboards: Echinacea doesn’t seem to help if you have a cold. But taking sugar pills from a bottle marked "Placebo"—as wild as that sounds—seems to help if you have irritable bowel syndrome.  Thanks for visiting Dr. Billeh for all your health needs.  That'll be three chickens, please.

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And just one more…

CHEERS to the do-gooders who walk among us. As we trudge, brain-numb and frozen-toed, toward the finish line of this sorry-ass year, C&J is filling our "Just one more…" feature this week with a reminder that there were heroes and sheroes aplenty in 2020. Every Friday our poll asks, "Who won the week?" and we offer up several candidates who remind us that all is not lost just yet on planet Earth. Powered by your smarts and good sense, a winner is singled out for induction in the Kiddie Pool Hall of Fame. Here are the winners from the first quarter of the year, during which the impeachment hearings were in full swing, Joe Biden's campaign was still on the rocks, and the coronavirus didn’t start seeping into our consciousness until late. (But when it did, it was here for the duration, as we'll see in future installments.) The envelopes, please:

January 3 Anybody who's glad to see 2019 in the rear-view mirror

January 10 The Australian and international firefighters battling the historic bushfires, and the army of professionals and volunteers helping rescue people and animals from the blazes

January 17 Rachel Maddow and former Giuliani "fixer" Lev Parnas, for riveting interviews during which a cascade of new revelations brought the Trump Ukraine scandal into horrifying new perspective

January 24 The Democratic impeachment managers: Jeffries, Demings, Garcia, Nadler, Crow, Lofgren, and especially Adam Schiff, for winning raves as they made their case against Trump

January 31 The House impeachment managers, led by Adam Schiff, for fighting mightily during Trump's trial to protect and defend the Constitution as Trump's lawyers were busy shredding it

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February 7 Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who tore up her copy of the SOTU when Captain Adderall was finally done gaslighting America...and Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer for a fine Democratic rebuttal

February 14 Michael Marando, Aaron Zelinsky, Jonathan Kravis, and Adam Jed, the federal prosecutors on the Roger Stone case who resigned after AG Bill Barr interfered for political reasons

February 21 Senator Elizabeth Warren, who treated eye-rolling billionaire Michael Bloomberg to a rhetorical knuckle sandwich at Wednesday's debate in Las Vegas (the highest rated Dem debate in history)

February 28 The war against "very fine people," as confederate symbols are banned from Marine Corps bases, and the FBI nabs 5 American Nazi terrorists for targeting government leaders, churches, and journalists

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March 6 Joe Biden, whose endorsement by Rep. Jim Clyburn in South Carolina resulted in a groundswell of support that propelled him to 11 primary wins in four days and a substantial lead in delegates

March 13 “All of the above”—related to heroes of the coronavirus outbreak)

March 20 ”All of the above”—related to heroes of the coronavirus outbreak)

March 27 ”All of the above”—related to heroes of the coronavirus outbreak)

Tomorrow: the winners of the second quarter. Based on the last three weeks above, you can probably guess where this is headed.

Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

What is “Cheers and Jeers”? Is it that feeling you get when you tap into the flow between emotion and expression, the spiritual and the physical? Is it something personal percolating within you, waiting to be unleashed? Is it the essence of humanity in a nutshell? Defining the concept is like aiming at a constantly skittering target. You sense it when you sense it.

—David Fear, Rolling Stone

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