GOP lawmaker on key immigration subcommittee slams Mayorkas impeachment ‘fantasy’ as vote count tightens

A House Republican on a key immigration subcommittee announced Tuesday that he will vote against impeaching Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas, dealing a significant blow to GOP efforts to impeach the Biden official ahead of a vote expected later in the day.

"The only way to stop the border invasion is to replace the Biden administration at the ballot box. Swapping one leftist for another is a fantasy, solves nothing, excuses Biden’s culpability, and unconstitutionally expands impeachment that someday will bite Republicans," Rep. Tom McClintock, R-Calif., who heads the Judiciary subcommittee on immigration, said on X, formerly known as Twitter.

Later on the House floor, he called it a "stunt."

HOUSE TEES UP VOTE ON IMPEACHING MAYORKAS OVER BORDER CRISIS 

The House is expected to vote later on two articles of impeachment, which accuse Mayorkas of having "repeatedly violated laws enacted by Congress regarding immigration and border security" and of having "made false statements to Congress" that the border is secure and closed and that DHS is in operational control of the border. 

McClintock’s "no" joins that of Rep. Ken Buck, R-Colo. Fox News Digital is also told that Rep, Mike Gallagher, R-Wis., also raised concerns about impeaching Mayorkas at a closed-door meeting of the House Republican Conference. The House majority is slim and Republicans can only afford three defections if all lawmakers are present and all Democrats vote against impeachment.

Should the impeachment push fail, it would signify an enormous blow to House Republicans who spent much of 2023 investigating Mayorkas for his handling of the crisis at the southern border, before referring articles to the House Homeland Security Committee late last year.

The committee advanced the two articles last week. If Mayorkas is impeached, then it will go to the Senate for a trial.

Speaker Mike Johnson said that he had spoken to McClintock and Buck about their objections to the move to impeach the Cabinet Secretary -- which would make it the first impeachment since 1876.

MAYORKAS LASHES OUT AT ‘BASELESS’ GOP ALLEGATIONS AHEAD OF KEY IMPEACHMENT VOTE

" I respect everybody's view. I understand the heavy weight that impeachment is…next to the declaration of war, I believe impeachment is probably the heaviest authority that the House has given in the Constitution," he said. "We carry that weight very carefully. What I will say about this Mayorkas impeachment is that the Homeland Security Committee has done an extraordinary job, a very deliberate job as you know over a long period of time.

Republicans have accused Mayorkas and the administration of fueling the crisis with "open border" policies including "catch-and-release," reduced interior enforcement and the rolling back of Trump-era policies they believe helped secure the border. They also accuse Mayorkas of not following immigration law, which they say demands the detention of illegal immigrants, and of failing to secure the border. Mayorkas has vigorously denied those claims.

"The constitutional case and evidence for impeaching Department of Homeland Security (DHS) Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas is strong and compelling," Committee Chair Mark Green said in an op-ed for The Washington Examiner this week. "My committee’s nearly year-long investigation identified Secretary Mayorkas’ willful and systemic refusal to comply with U.S. immigration laws and his breach of the public trust as the primary drivers of the unprecedented crisis at America’s borders."

MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE PREDICTS MAYORKAS IMPEACHMENT ARTICLES WILL PASS HOUSE WITHOUT ANY DEM SUPPORT

But the process has come under fire from the Department of Homeland Security, as well as House Democrats and some Republicans. They see a pre-determined politically motivated push for impeachment based on policy disagreements rather than high crimes and misdemeanors, and the Biden administration has instead pointed to efforts made to secure the border by Mayorkas -- including his role in a bipartisan Senate deal released this week. They have also pointed to more than 500,000 removals since May and record seizures of fentanyl at the border.

"House Republicans have failed to provide any legitimate Constitutional grounds for impeachment according to countless legal experts of diverse political views, House Republicans’ own prior impeachment witness, and their fellow GOP Members," DHS officials said in a recent memo.

Mayorkas himself defended himself against impeachment last week in a letter to Republicans, in which he slammed the allegations as "false" and "baseless."

"I assure you that your false accusations do not rattle me and do not divert me from the law enforcement and broader public service mission to which I have devoted most of my career and to which I remain devoted," Mayorkas said.

Other voices against the impeachment of Mayorkas include Jonathan Turley, who was a witness for the House majority earlier this year, and Alan Dershowitz, who was former President Trump’s defense lawyer during the first impeachment effort against him. Former Bush-era DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff recently called on Republicans to "drop this impeachment charade" and work with Mayorkas to solve the crisis.

Nikki Haley suddenly has a problem with Trump’s love of dictators

With the South Carolina Republican primary approaching, Nikki Haley is revving up her attacks on presumptive nominee Donald Trump. 

On Monday, Haley repeatedly referred to Trump as a “New York City liberal” who donated to Kamala Harris. She followed that up by posting a clip of Trump’s interview with Fox News’ Maria Bartoromo where he effused about China’s President Xi Jinping, with this bold take: “Praising dictators is not normal. Make America normal again.”

Newsflash: Trump has something of a preoccupation with dictators. Maybe you think you didn’t read that right. Yes, the twice-impeached former president goes all fanboy for dictators and his history of praising tyrants like the Philippines’ Rodrigo Duterte goes way back. 

There was the time Trump described himself as a “big fan” of Turkey’s strongman autocrat Recep Tayyip Erdoğan. Trump has called Hungarian Prime Minister (and authoritarian racist) Viktor Orban “his friend.” In fact, Trump has been throwing around Orban’s name so much that he’s mixed him up with Erdoğan.

Even when Trump’s Fox News buddy Sean Hannity attempted to help Trump walk back his praise of dictators like Vladimir Putin, Trump couldn’t help but to boast about how well he gets along with authoritarian monsters.

The good news here is that while Haley isn’t going to beat Trump and there is very little in the way of facts or logic that can seemingly penetrate the MAGA-brainscape these days, she can continue to remind independent voters of why they don’t want another round of Trump as president.

Enjoy Trump going gaga over China’s Xi Jinping.

Campaign Action

Trump not immune from prosecution in 2020 election case, federal appeals court rules

Former U.S. President Trump is not immune from prosecution in the 2020 federal election case, a federal appeals court ruled Tuesday.

The U.S. Court of Appeals - D.C. Circuit considered Trump’s claim of presidential immunity from prosecution for his actions in office, including his alleged role in overturning his 2020 election loss, ultimately saying it was "unpersuaded by his argument" and ruled a case against him can proceed. 

"We have balanced former President Trump’s asserted interests in executive immunity against the vital public interests that favor allowing this prosecution to proceed," the court wrote in its ruling Tuesday. 

It determined: "We conclude that the interest in criminal accountability, held by both the public and the Executive Branch, outweighs the potential risks of chilling Presidential action and permitting vexatious litigation."

TRUMP TRIAL DELAYED IN CASE STEMMING FROM SPECIAL COUNSEL JACK SMITH'S JAN. 6 INVESTIGATION

The legally untested question before the court is whether former presidents can be prosecuted after they leave office for actions taken in the White House related to their official duties.

Steven Cheung, Trump campaign spokesperson, said in a statement that the case will have far-reaching consequences, both for Trump and all future presidents.

"If immunity is not granted to a President, every future President who leaves office will be immediately indicted by the opposing party," he said. "Without complete immunity, a President of the United States would not be able to properly function!"

The Trump campaign spokesperson added: "Deranged Jack Smith’s prosecution of President Trump for his Presidential, official acts is unconstitutional under the doctrine of Presidential Immunity and the Separation of Powers. Prosecuting a President for official acts violates the Constitution and threatens the bedrock of our Republic. President Trump respectfully disagrees with the DC Circuit’s decision and will appeal it in order to safeguard the Presidency and the Constitution."

Special counsel Jack Smith initially indicted Trump on Aug. 1, 2023.

In the case, Trump claimed both that he had presidential immunity and that the case violated a double jeopardy clause, as he was impeached by the U.S. House of Representatives over his alleged involvement. He was later acquitted after the U.S. Senate did not vote to convict him of the charge.

The two defenses were among four arguments Trump's legal team pursued in arguing the court should reject the case.

In Dec. 2023, U.S. District Judge Tanya Chutkan, who is presiding over the case, rejected Trump’s arguments, saying the office of the president "does not confer a lifelong ‘get-out-of-jail-free’ pass."

In the federal appeals court's Tuesday ruling, it mentioned Trump's impeachment case but similarly rejected these claims of immunity and double jeopardy.

It concluded that "concerns of public policy, especially as illuminated by our history and the structure of our government," as argued by the prosecution, compel "the rejection of his claim of immunity in this case."

And, it wrote: "We also have considered his contention that he is entitled to categorical immunity from criminal liability for any assertedly ‘official’ action that he took as President — a contention that is unsupported by precedent, history or the text and structure of the Constitution. Finally, we are unpersuaded by his argument that this prosecution is barred by ‘double jeopardy principles.’ Accordingly, the order of the district court is AFFIRMED," it wrote.

Fox News contributor Jonathan Turley said the outcome is not particularly surprising to legal experts but that it could impact or expedite the legal schedule for Trump, who continues to seek re-election. 

The former president is expected to appeal the decision, putting his case — the first of its kind — before the country's highest court.

Trump has up to 90 days to appeal the decision to the U.S. Supreme Court.

The trial date carries enormous political ramifications and Trump hopes an eventual decision will be delayed until after the November election. 

Should that happen and if Trump defeats President Biden, he could presumably try to use his position as head of the executive branch to dismiss the case. He could also potentially seek a pardon for himself, although such a situation has no precedent.

After Chutkan's decision in Dec., Trump’s lawyers appealed to the D.C. appeals court.

At the same time, Smith asked the Supreme Court last month to weigh in first, hoping it would take up the matter quickly and issue a speedy ruling.

The Supreme Court appeared to signal that it preferred to stay out of the process when it rejected the request.

Fox News' Paul Steinhauser, Jake Gibson, and The Associated Press contributed to this report.

Mayorkas impeachment down to the wire as another Republican plans to vote ‘no’

Rep. Tom McClintock said on Tuesday that he will oppose impeaching Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas — meaning Republicans have literally no room for error.

If Democrats have full attendance, House GOP leaders can’t afford to have any additional absences or lose a single other GOP vote.

McClintock (R-Calif.), in a lengthy letter to his colleagues, argued that the GOP articles against Mayorkas stretched how the founders would define an impeachable offense. And he warned that, if successful, Republicans were setting a precedent that Democrats might use against them in the future.

“Do Republicans really wish to establish an expansive view of impeachment that will surely be turned against conservatives on the Supreme Court or a future Republican president if Congress changes hands?” McClintock wrote.

He added that while a Cabinet official could be removed for committing a crime, that House Republicans were trying to cross a “bright line” by recommending he be removed from office for carrying out President Joe Biden’s policy decisions on the border. The articles of impeachment against Mayorkas accuse him of a breach of trust and refusing to comply with the law.

McClintock is the second GOP “no” vote in addition to Rep. Ken Buck (R-Colo.), who announced last week that he would oppose the historic step of impeaching Mayorkas. A Cabinet official hasn’t been impeached since 1876. McClintock’s opposition, though long expected, underscores the uncertainty heading into Tuesday’s scheduled vote.

Failing to impeach Mayorkas would mark an embarrassing political setback for House Republicans and Speaker Mike Johnson, who have faced intense pressure from their base to impeach Biden or a top official. A failure to impeach Mayorkas could further imperil hopes to eventually impeach the president as well.

There are still several lawmakers who are still publicly undecided, including Reps. David Joyce (R-Ohio), Brian Fitzpatrick (R-Pa.) and Patrick McHenry (R-N.C.). And Majority Leader Steve Scalise’s expected absence as he undergoes treatment for blood cancer. If one more holdout votes against impeaching Mayorkas and Democrats have full attendance, the measure would fail.

Homeland Security Chair Mark Green (R-Tenn.), asked if he believed he had the votes on Tuesday, said: “We’ll see pretty soon.”

Posted in Uncategorized

House tees up vote on impeaching Mayorkas over border crisis

House Republicans are moving toward a chamber-wide vote on whether to impeach Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas over the border crisis.

A Cabinet secretary has not been impeached since 1876.

Mayorkas is facing two impeachment articles, one that accuses him of having "refused to comply with Federal immigration laws" and the other of having violated "public trust."

Those articles passed out of the House Rules Committee on a party-line 8-4 vote Monday evening. That sets up a procedural rule vote that, if passed, will be followed by a House floor debate and then a final impeachment vote.

Three sources told Fox News Digital on Monday afternoon that they expect that vote to come Tuesday.

BORDER NUMBERS FOR DECEMBER BREAK MONTHLY RECORD, AS BIDEN ADMIN TALKS AMNESTY WITH MEXICO

House GOP leaders have accused Mayorkas of willfully disregarding existing federal laws and making deliberate policy decisions that have made the crisis at the U.S.-Mexico border worse.

Democrats, meanwhile, have painted Republicans’ impeachment push as political and argued the impeachment articles have no basis.

ILLEGAL MIGRANT FLIPS MIDDLE FINGERS AFTER BEING CHARGED WITH ATTACKING NYPD IN TIMES SQUARE

But the effort has served to largely unite what’s been a very divided House GOP conference this term. Even moderates from districts where President Biden won in 2020, like Rep. Don Bacon, R-Neb., have said they’d support Mayorkas’ impeachment.

It’s a good sign for Speaker Mike Johnson, R-La., who will need every Republican vote he can get to pass the historic measure. He’s presiding over a razor-thin House GOP majority, but the expected returns this week of Majority Leader Steve Scalise, R-La., and Rep. Hal Rogers, R-Ky., from medical absences will give him slightly more wiggle room.

At least one House Republican is against the impeachment push so far, while at least four more were undecided as of late last week. 

MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE PREDICTS MAYORKAS IMPEACHMENT ARTICLES WILL PASS HOUSE WITHOUT ANY DEM SUPPORT

Rep. Ken Buck, R-Colo., told reporters last week that he was a "solid" no against impeaching Mayorkas. Buck criticized the Biden official for his handling of the southern border crisis but said, "The people that I’m talking to on the outside, the constitutional experts, former members agree that this just isn’t an impeachable offense."

Mayorkas himself slammed the impeachment articles as baseless accusations in a letter to House Homeland Security Secretary Mark Green, R-Tenn., last week.

"I assure you that your false accusations do not rattle me and do not divert me from the law enforcement and broader public service mission to which I have devoted most of my career and to which I remain devoted," Mayorkas wrote.

The impeachment proceedings will be a stark juxtaposition to Senate leaders' efforts to pass a bipartisan border security deal this week, talks which Mayorkas has been a part of.

House tees up vote on impeaching Mayorkas over border crisis

House Republicans are moving toward a chamber-wide vote on whether to impeach Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas over the border crisis.

A Cabinet secretary has not been impeached since 1876.

Mayorkas is facing two impeachment articles, one that accuses him of having "refused to comply with Federal immigration laws" and the other of having violated "public trust."

Those articles passed out of the House Rules Committee on a party-line 8-4 vote Monday evening. That sets up a procedural rule vote that, if passed, will be followed by a House floor debate and then a final impeachment vote.

Three sources told Fox News Digital on Monday afternoon that they expect that vote to come Tuesday.

BORDER NUMBERS FOR DECEMBER BREAK MONTHLY RECORD, AS BIDEN ADMIN TALKS AMNESTY WITH MEXICO

House GOP leaders have accused Mayorkas of willfully disregarding existing federal laws and making deliberate policy decisions that have made the crisis at the U.S.-Mexico border worse.

Democrats, meanwhile, have painted Republicans’ impeachment push as political and argued the impeachment articles have no basis.

ILLEGAL MIGRANT FLIPS MIDDLE FINGERS AFTER BEING CHARGED WITH ATTACKING NYPD IN TIMES SQUARE

But the effort has served to largely unite what’s been a very divided House GOP conference this term. Even moderates from districts where President Biden won in 2020, like Rep. Don Bacon, R-Neb., have said they’d support Mayorkas’ impeachment.

It’s a good sign for Speaker Mike Johnson, R-La., who will need every Republican vote he can get to pass the historic measure. He’s presiding over a razor-thin House GOP majority, but the expected returns this week of Majority Leader Steve Scalise, R-La., and Rep. Hal Rogers, R-Ky., from medical absences will give him slightly more wiggle room.

At least one House Republican is against the impeachment push so far, while at least four more were undecided as of late last week. 

MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE PREDICTS MAYORKAS IMPEACHMENT ARTICLES WILL PASS HOUSE WITHOUT ANY DEM SUPPORT

Rep. Ken Buck, R-Colo., told reporters last week that he was a "solid" no against impeaching Mayorkas. Buck criticized the Biden official for his handling of the southern border crisis but said, "The people that I’m talking to on the outside, the constitutional experts, former members agree that this just isn’t an impeachable offense."

Mayorkas himself slammed the impeachment articles as baseless accusations in a letter to House Homeland Security Secretary Mark Green, R-Tenn., last week.

"I assure you that your false accusations do not rattle me and do not divert me from the law enforcement and broader public service mission to which I have devoted most of my career and to which I remain devoted," Mayorkas wrote.

The impeachment proceedings will be a stark juxtaposition to Senate leaders' efforts to pass a bipartisan border security deal this week, talks which Mayorkas has been a part of.

House tees up vote on impeaching Mayorkas over border crisis

House Republicans are moving toward a chamber-wide vote on whether to impeach Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas over the border crisis.

A Cabinet secretary has not been impeached since 1876.

Mayorkas is facing two impeachment articles, one that accuses him of having "refused to comply with Federal immigration laws" and the other of having violated "public trust."

Those articles passed out of the House Rules Committee on a party-line 8-4 vote Monday evening. That sets up a procedural rule vote that, if passed, will be followed by a House floor debate and then a final impeachment vote.

Three sources told Fox News Digital on Monday afternoon that they expect that vote to come Tuesday.

BORDER NUMBERS FOR DECEMBER BREAK MONTHLY RECORD, AS BIDEN ADMIN TALKS AMNESTY WITH MEXICO

House GOP leaders have accused Mayorkas of willfully disregarding existing federal laws and making deliberate policy decisions that have made the crisis at the U.S.-Mexico border worse.

Democrats, meanwhile, have painted Republicans’ impeachment push as political and argued the impeachment articles have no basis.

ILLEGAL MIGRANT FLIPS MIDDLE FINGERS AFTER BEING CHARGED WITH ATTACKING NYPD IN TIMES SQUARE

But the effort has served to largely unite what’s been a very divided House GOP conference this term. Even moderates from districts where President Biden won in 2020, like Rep. Don Bacon, R-Neb., have said they’d support Mayorkas’ impeachment.

It’s a good sign for Speaker Mike Johnson, R-La., who will need every Republican vote he can get to pass the historic measure. He’s presiding over a razor-thin House GOP majority, but the expected returns this week of Majority Leader Steve Scalise, R-La., and Rep. Hal Rogers, R-Ky., from medical absences will give him slightly more wiggle room.

At least one House Republican is against the impeachment push so far, while at least four more were undecided as of late last week. 

MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE PREDICTS MAYORKAS IMPEACHMENT ARTICLES WILL PASS HOUSE WITHOUT ANY DEM SUPPORT

Rep. Ken Buck, R-Colo., told reporters last week that he was a "solid" no against impeaching Mayorkas. Buck criticized the Biden official for his handling of the southern border crisis but said, "The people that I’m talking to on the outside, the constitutional experts, former members agree that this just isn’t an impeachable offense."

Mayorkas himself slammed the impeachment articles as baseless accusations in a letter to House Homeland Security Secretary Mark Green, R-Tenn., last week.

"I assure you that your false accusations do not rattle me and do not divert me from the law enforcement and broader public service mission to which I have devoted most of my career and to which I remain devoted," Mayorkas wrote.

The impeachment proceedings will be a stark juxtaposition to Senate leaders' efforts to pass a bipartisan border security deal this week, talks which Mayorkas has been a part of.

House committee votes to advance impeachment case against DHS Secretary Mayorkas to full chamber

The Republican-led House Rules Committee on Monday voted 8-4 to send an impeachment case against Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas to the full chamber for a vote. 

A vote on the articles of impeachment in the House – which Republicans hold by a slim margin – could come as early as Tuesday.  

BORDER PATROL UNION ENDORSES CONTROVERSIAL SENATE BORDER DEAL: ‘FAR BETTER THAN THE STATUS QUO’

The resolution affirms that Mayorkas "has willfully and systematically refused to comply with Federal immigration laws" by having repeatedly violated laws enacted by Congress regarding immigration and border security during his tenure. 

If the vote goes through, Mayorkas would be the first Cabinet official impeached in nearly 150 years. 

The impeachment articles charge that Mayorkas "refused to comply with Federal immigration laws" amid a record surge of migrants at the southern border and that he has "breached the public trust" in his claims to Congress that the U.S.-Mexico border is secure. 

The secretary and supporters have repeatedly said that what's happening is part of a worldwide phenomenon of people on the move seeking a better way of life and that the U.S. immigration system needs more resources and legislation to meet the challenge.

The secretary has called the Republican charges against him "politically motivated and completely baseless," pointing to constitutional scholars who have weighed in with similar assessments. He said if it comes to a trial in the Senate, which generally follows an impeachment vote, he's prepared to defend himself. 

House GOP leaders smack down bipartisan Senate border deal as Republican support crumbles

House GOP leaders are formally announcing their opposition to the bipartisan border security deal revealed by the Senate on Sunday.

Republican support for the measure has been dissipating by the hour as more high-profile GOP lawmakers add their voices to the chorus of criticism.

"House Republicans oppose the Senate immigration bill because it fails in every policy area needed to secure our border and would actually incentivize more illegal immigration," Speaker Mike Johnson, R-La.; Majority Leader Steve Scalise, R-La.; Majority Whip Tom Emmer, R-Minn., and GOP Conference Chair Elise Stefanik, R-N.Y., said in a joint statement Monday.

"Among its many flaws, the bill expands work authorizations for illegal aliens while failing to include critical asylum reforms. Even worse, its language allowing illegals to be ‘released from physical custody’ would effectively endorse the Biden ‘catch and release’ policy."

SENATE RELEASES LONG-AWAITED BORDER LEGISLATION, MAJOR ASYLUM CHANGES

They also claimed the bill gave too much authority to Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas, who House Republicans aim to impeach this week.

"The so-called ‘shutdown’ authority in the bill is anything but, riddled with loopholes that grant far too much discretionary authority to Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas – who has proven he will exploit every measure possible, in defiance of the law, to keep the border open," House leadership said. "The bill also fails to adequately stop the President’s abuse of parole authority and provides for taxpayer funds to fly and house illegal immigrants in hotels through the FEMA Shelter and Services Program."

They reiterated prior calls for the Senate to take up H.R.2, the border security bill House Republicans passed last summer. Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, D-N.Y., has panned that bill as a nonstarter.

"That bill contains the necessary components to actually stem the flow of illegals and end the present crisis. The Senate must take it up immediately. America’s sovereignty is at stake," the Republicans said.

MAYORKAS SLAMS ‘BASELESS’ GOP ALLEGATIONS AHEAD OF KEY IMPEACHMENT VOTE 

"Any consideration of this Senate bill in its current form is a waste of time. It is DEAD on arrival in the House. We encourage the U.S. Senate to reject it."

The 370-page border and security supplemental funding bill would, if passed, grant President Biden the authority to temporarily shut down the border. It would also raise the threshold for migrants to claim asylum while also speeding up the process by which those claims are adjudicated.

The bill also includes a total of 250,000 new visas over five years and a legal pathway to citizenship for Afghans who fled to the U.S. when Kabul fell to the Taliban.

But many Republican lawmakers are saying that it does not go far enough to secure the border, citing the record-shattering number of migrants encountered at the southern border since 2021. 

SEN. MARSHALL URGES GOP TO SAY 'HELL NO' TO SUPPLEMENTAL FUNDING REQUEST WITHOUT TIGHTER BORDER SECURITY

Several key GOP lawmakers have come out against the bill since the text was revealed Sunday, potentially putting its passage in peril.

That includes Sen. Steve Daines, R-Mont., chairman of House Republicans' campaign arm and a member of Senate GOP leadership, who said on Monday, "With House Republicans united in opposition to this bill, it makes no sense to even bring it up in the Senate…I will vote no when the bill is brought to the Senate floor this week."

At least a dozen GOP senators are also publicly opposed to the bill, which Schumer said will get a vote this week.

Cheers and Jeers: Monday

A Brief Calming Note to the MAGA Cult

We know you're all feeling scared, lost and traumatized by the appearance of Taylor Swift at a recent football game. God only knows what horrible, terrible, apocalyptic message she was sending as the signal beamed ominously into your—yes, your—living room.

But look on the bright side. It could’ve been drag queens. Or books on Black history. Or green M&Ms. Or electric stoves. Or Mr. Potato Heads. Or bamboo fibers. Or crates full of pronouns. Or abortion pills. Or immigrants. Or Disney characters. Or pamphlets on gun safety. Or vaccines. Or low-flow toilets. Or news about another military defeat for Russia. Or Dark Brandon’s Ray-Bans. Or Barbie. Or a robot shifty Adam Schiff. Or cancer-causing windmills. Or—trigger warning—a slate of not-fake electors!

But you can relax. I have it on good authority that the “Taylor Swift” you saw was just reincarnated JFK Jr. in Mike Lindell's host body dressed up like the pop singer, who was actually squirreled away at an undisclosed location by the Border convoy.

All is well. Enjoy your day, brave patriots. And, hey...keep it real.

Cheers and Jeers for Monday, February 5, 2024

Note: Wake us up like that again, humans—as you did Friday by grabbing us with work gloves and hoisting us over your heads in front of a rabid mob—and we'll gnaw certain body parts off and see you in court.  Thank you for your attention in this matter.

American Groundhog Legal Defense Fund

-

By the Numbers:

5 days!!!

Days 'til the start of the Chinese New Year (of the dragon): 5

Days 'til the Joriad™ North American Truffle Dog Championship in Eugene, Oregon: 5

Amount lost in the the Chinese stock market over the last three years: $6 trillion

Number of Teslas being recalled because the font on their warning lights are too small: 2.2 million

Years since Walmart opened a new store: 3

Months a pigeon was detained by India under suspicion it was a spy for China: 8

Age of actor Carl Weathers (Rocky, Predator, The Mandalorian) when he died Friday: 76

-

Puppy Pic of the Day: Kevin Costner reveals the new addition to his family…

-

CHEERS and JEERS to Monday morning in America. Here's what's going on as we celebrate the national holiday known as It's Not Actually A National Holiday Now Get Back To Work Day: the GOP-led House is doing whatever, the Senate is confirming judges and trying to pass immigration legislation, Pete Buttigieg is out filling potholes, racism is flourishing, inflation is dropping, Russia and the west are fighting a proxy war via Ukraine, whites are still projected to become the minority in the U.S. by 2045, there are ten people in space, we're still killing the planet, an apple a day helps control apple overpopulation, atmospheric rivers and the polar vortex are currently in charge of everything, and I just switched your Folgers Crystals with regular coffee. You are now up to date. One lump or two?

CHEERS to the jobs report of the century. They said it couldn’t be done. They said Joe Biden was washed up as a jobs creator. The best forecasters in the land predicted that America would lose 2.6 BILLION JOBS in January, followed by 100% inflation and $80 per gallon gas prices. The House MAGA cult was ready to add his failure to their articles of impeachment. The media licked its chops as it prepared to unleash its pre-written stories of ECONOMIC ARMAGEDDON. And then, at the stroke of 8:30 Friday morning, the Bureau of Labor Statistics delivered the news that 353,000 jobs had been created…

The headline jobs number in the January employment report was well above expectations, and November and December payrolls were revised up by 126,000 combined.  The participation rate was unchanged, the employment population ratio increased, and the unemployment rate was unchanged at 3.7%.

14.8 million new jobs. Unemployment below 4% for two full years. Wages, wealth, and employment are higher than before the pandemic. It’s called Bidenomics. pic.twitter.com/hUo3Xvn2c7

— The White House (@WhiteHouse) February 3, 2024

-

Construction employment increased 11 thousand and is now 522 thousand above the pre-pandemic level. Manufacturing employment increased 23 thousand jobs and is now 199 thousand above the pre-pandemic level.

A strong employment report.
It’s the 5th-longest job-creation streak since 1939. And suddenly the forecasters were silent. And Speaker Johnson quietly put the articles of impeachment away. And the networks were forced to devote 20 seconds to the excellent jobs report on the nightly news. And to all of their great disappointment, President Biden slept very well that night.
CHEERS to a profession full of highs and lows.  Speaking of forecasters, Happy Weatherpersons' Day!  After shoveling the snow off the Wikipedia page, I see that it "recognizes individuals in the fields of meteorology, weather forecasting and broadcast meteorology, as well as volunteer storm spotters and observers.  It is observed on the birthday of John Jeffries, one of the United States' first weather observers who took daily measurements starting in 1774."  Yes, it took our best scientific minds 250 years to build our modern forecasting tools, and You Tube mere minutes to assemble outtakes like this…

-

Forecasters predict National Weatherpersons' Day will blow over within the next few hours, followed by an 80 percent chance of lingering National Weatherpersons' Day hangovers.  Mostly among weatherpersons.

-

BRIEF SANITY BREAK

-

Monty doesn't know what to think about his new ear warmers. 🐴🧦😆#ViralHog #horses #funnyanimals pic.twitter.com/kUU5sb0GOS

— ViralHog (@ViralHog) January 31, 2024

-

END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

-

CHEERS to the Illinois governor who took on the Kansas general. Happy 124th birthday to Adlai Stevenson II He lost to Dwight Eisenhower in both 1952 and 1956.  (Then again, I think God herself would have, too.)  But as U.N. Ambassador he pleasantly surprised the Kennedy administration by giving the Russians hell during the Cuban missile crisis.  And he sure understood Republicans:

"A hypocrite is the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree, then mount the stump and make a speech for conservation. "

Brother, you said a mouthful.

"I have been thinking that I would make a proposition to my Republican friends... that if they will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them."

And I love this:

“We travel together, passengers on a little space ship, dependent on its vulnerable reserves of air and soil; all committed for our safety to its security and peace; preserved from annihilation only by the care, the work and, I will say, the love we give our fragile craft.

We cannot maintain it half fortunate, half miserable, half confident, half despairing, half slave to the ancient enemies of man, half free in a liberation of resources undreamed of until this day. No craft, no crew can travel with such vast contradictions. On their resolution depends the survival of us all.”

In other words: nice knowin' ya.

CHEERS to the weekend's Comeback Kid. Saturday night in South Carolina Joe Biden lorded over a Democratic primary landslide. Smothered the competition. Hocked the biggest loogie.  gave the biggest noogie. Administered the swirliest swirlie. Dealt it so powerfully that everybody smelt it. Performed the most painful purple nurple. And for his grand finale he reached into his competitors' chests, ripped out their still-beating hearts, and showed it to them. He then quietly put it back them their chest cavities and thanked god Dean Phillips and Marianne Williamson are sound sleepers. On to...where again?

-

Ten years ago in C&J: February 5, 2014

JEERS to the random mumblings of Governor Footinmouth.  Yesterday Maine got its annual "state of the state" address, those magical eight uninterrupted hours when our Teapublican governor, Paul LePage, rhetorically straggles through all the hard-line conservative talking points and then proclaims, "The state of our state is…meh, it's too good for you moochers, that's for sure."  The speech was punctuated by occasional smatterings of perfunctory applause.  But he did say one thing that earned him a well-deserved standing ovation.  I believe it was, "In conclusion..."

-

And just one more…

CHEERS to blowing this popsicle stand. Every time you go outside on a clear night you’re doing yourself a grave disservice if you don’t look up and nearly choke on your bong hit as you realize that the universe up there is pretty darn spectacular. The elves at NASA are aware of this, so they always let us in on the big celestial events for the month. Here’s a look at February’s sky-watching highlights, including Jupiter and the moon makin’ eyes at each other, and a spiral galaxy not unlike ours:

-

By the way, I hate to burst his bubble, but I know how the constellation Orion the hunter manages to look so svelte up there year after year: Spanx.

Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

-

Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial

Ex-Trump Official Tells CNN Biden ‘Nailed’ It By Calling Bill in Portland Maine A ‘F**king A**hole’

Mediaite

-