After embarrassing interview, James Comer runs to Newsmax to call CNN a ‘low-IQ audience’

 House Oversight Committee Chairman James Comer went on CNN last Friday and gave a sad defense of his tax-dollar-wasting impeachment investigation into President Joe Biden. Host Jake Tapper’s willingness to ask about the glaring holes in Comer’s conspiracy theories once again exposed the absurdity of the pointless Republican witch hunt. It was embarrassing.

On Monday, Comer was forced to answer another hard question, this time from Newsmax host Rob Finnerty: How does the Kentucky Republican deal with the fact that half the country sees his investigation as a joke?

Rob Finnerty: [Tapper is] making your investigations sound like a joke, and he's trying to make you look like a joke. And then half of America sees that and they think your investigation is a joke. How do you work around that? How do you work through that?

James Comer: Well, that's the first time I went on CNN in three months. We thought we would give it a try. You know, Jake Tapper is an intelligent guy, but he's playing to a low-IQ audience.

A pretty famous study from the past decade shows that conservative ideologies and prejudice are both linked to low intelligence. These people then seek out their information from conservative propaganda outlets like Fox News and Newsmax, which, in turn, loops their poorly developed ideologies back to them, reinforcing the cycle. One of the best ways to manage people with poorly thought-out ideologies is to tell them everybody else is stupid—with their facts and all. 

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Markos and Kerry give their thoughts on what the country is facing in 2024. The Republican Party is running on losing issues like abortion and repealing the ACA—with no explanation of what they plan on replacing it with. Trump has a lot of criming to atone for, and the Republican platform remains set on destroying democracy.

Rudy says Trump didn’t actually steal top secret docs, he was simply ‘preserving’ them

So if you or I had worked for the government and, upon leaving, squirreled away a few top secret nuclear documents in a Six Million Dollar Man lunchbox that we kept under a basement foosball table, we’d be sitting in brightly lit rooms asking if we could please get some unscented udder cream for our serially brutalized nipples. It’s unlikely we’d be able to trot out numerous contradictory excuses for our crimes and have roughly a third of the nation believe them. But Donald Trump is special.

And since his followers are 100% convinced he’s the bestest prezident since George Jefferson, anything he does must be holy, pure, and in the interest of all Americans. And when you have a stable of reliable sycophants like Tickle Me Nosferatu (the bullshit artist formerly known as Rudy Giuliani) at your beck and call, “creative” (read: terrible) rationalizations will flow like black-tar brain effluent down the withering cheeks of a weary nation.

So, yeah—this is the kind of excuse you come up with when you’re completely out of excuses:

Rudy Giuliani tells Newsmax that Trump was just trying to preserve documents by putting them in a safe place. pic.twitter.com/tDJag4loW4

— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) August 19, 2022

GIULIANI: “And now they want to make him responsible for having taken classified documents and preserved them. Really, if you look at the Espionage Act, it’s not really about taking the documents, it’s about destroying them, or hiding them, or giving them to the enemy. It’s not about taking them and putting them in a place that’s roughly as safe as they were in in the first place.”

Yup, securing top secret nuclear documents in restricted, heavily guarded government facilities is exactly the same as leaving them in the hands of a guy well known for blurting out highly classified secrets in front of the Russian foreign minister, making calls on an unsecured cell phone, and tweeting sensitive satellite photos against the advice of every member of the intelligence community. Just like most of us prefer to store our life savings in a Folgers can instead of depositing it in a bank. Makes total sense.

Okay, so clearly, we’re not on the same page as Rudy. For one thing, we don’t hang out with pages. They’re minors, Rudy, and the musky melange of English Leather and Sanka breath is not the aphrodisiac you think it is. But—surprise!—what Rudy is blabbering here is simply not what the Espionage Act says. 

As Vox explained in the wake of this kerfuffle, “The Espionage Act is actually a series of statutes under 18 U.S. Code Chapter 37 related to the collection, retention, or dissemination of national defense or classified information. The Mar-a-Lago search warrant referred to Section 793—‘Gathering, transmitting or losing defense information,’ which doesn’t just cover ‘spying’ in the sense that many think of when they hear the term. Section 793 specifically states that people legally granted access to national defense documents—people like the former president—are subject to punishment should they improperly retain that information.”

Trump “retained” this information and refused to give it back, and in June, his lawyers told the government that he no longer held any classified documents at Mar-a-Lago—even though he clearly did

So how many excuses does this make now? At first, Trump wanted us to believe the FBI planted these documents. Then he claimed he’d declassified them—which only makes sense if he knew which documents the FBI had decided to plant. For a hot minute, Trump also tried to claim some of the documents fell under attorney-client privilege, and like the feckless fucknut he is, he demanded their return

Then there was the “standing order” excuse, wherein Trump tried to claim that anything he took home with him automatically alchemized from a closely held government secret into a public domain document every American has a right to see—unlike, say, the former pr*sident’s tax returns.

CNN made short work of that one:

And now—according to Rudy—it’s all good since Trump didn’t destroy the documents or, as far as we know, give them to Russia or Saudi Arabia. Though I assume if we find out he did give them to Saudi Arabia, they’ll move the goalposts again—most likely next to a Krispy Kreme for our ex-POTUS’ convenience.

Of course, if all of this weren’t so horrifying, it would be endlessly amusing. But this is the safety and security of our planet we’re talking about now.

We are not amused.

Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE

Alan Dershowitz whines that he’s now a pariah on Martha’s Vineyard just because he enabled Trump

You defend one wannabe fascist dictator by saying his boundless lust for power means he should be able to do anything he wants, and all of a sudden progressives don’t like you anymore. It’s brutally unfair, and we shouldn't stand for it. Every American has an inalienable right to be invited to exclusive dress-formal cotillions on Martha’s Vineyard, no matter how many absurd arguments they’ve trotted out on behalf of lawless autocrats.

What has the world come to?

Alan Dershowitz—who, according to Alan Dershowitz, definitely did not rape any underage girls with connections to Jeffrey Epstein—defended disgraced former Pr*sident Donald Trump during the latter’s first impeachment by saying Trump was allowed to use any corrupt methods he chose in order to stay in office, including pressuring a foreign leader to dig up dirt on a political opponent, because he thought he was a great president.

No, really, that was his argument. It’s sort of like saying it’s okay for me to steal a suit from Macy’s because I look so much cooler in it than the peasant who was going to buy it. 

Trump attorney Alan Dershowitz: "If a president does something which he believes will help him get elected in the public interest, that cannot be the kind of quid pro quo that results in impeachment." https://t.co/jKErQcS1Iy pic.twitter.com/zo4rL6Zbla

— ABC News (@ABC) January 29, 2020

DERSHOWITZ: “Every public official that I know believes that his election is in the public interest, and mostly you’re right. Your election is in the public interest. And if a president does something which he believes will help him get elected in the public interest, that cannot be the kind of quid pro quo that results in impeachment.”

Okay, first of all, Donald Trump has never done anything in the public interest—unless that public interest happens to align with his own pubic—or similarly id-related—interest. Trump wanted to be president again because Attorney General Bill Barr kept telling him it made him untouchable. And maybe because he didn’t want future presidents to beat his high score on video golf. Serving the public interest is way, way down the list of Trump’s motivations, well behind “free four-year maintenance warranty on the Resolute Desk Diet Coke button.”

Also, really? This is really his argument? What if that president is so emboldened by nonsense like this that he launches a full-blown coup attempt and gets people killed—you know, because he cares so much about America and the public interest?

Well, apparently Dershowitz’s fellow liberals were a bit peeved at his efforts to lay the groundwork for Adderall Hitler's Thousand-Year Reich, so like the dedicated progressive he is, Dershowitz scurried over to the far-right bullshit confectionery Newsmax to whine about his “lost” party invitations.

The following clip is from Newsmax. I won’t link to it because I don't want to give them the page views. I also don’t want to give your computer any excuse to kill itself. I know you’ve been Googling “Chuck Grassley baby oil massage” + “rhinestone Speedo” all morning and your computer is already at the end of its rope, so I’m doing you a solid.

Dershowitz, via Newsmax:

“I have essentially been excluded from the Democratic Party. There was recently an event on Martha's Vineyard for Jewish Democrats – who would be the first person you would think of as a Jewish Democrat on Martha’s Vineyard – me, but I wasn't invited because I'm now cancelled essentially from the Democratic Party.

“The library won't allow me to speak on Martha's Vineyard, the Community Center, the major synagogue, all of them have canceled me because I had the chutzpah to defend the constitution on behalf of a president of the United States that they all voted against – the fact that I voted against him, too, and then I remain — in my mind a Liberal Democrat doesn't much matter. If I don't follow the party line down to the extreme, I am cancelled. People refuse to attend events if they know I'm gonna be there and that's why several friends of mine have who have invited me for years to events in their home or concerts that they've sponsored have apologetically said, ‘We're sorry we can't invite you because if you come everybody will leave,’” he added.

“If people don't think there's a cancel culture, I welcome them to Martha's Vineyard and I welcome them to see it with their own eyes.”

Yeah, that’s not cancel culture. It’s “we don’t invite assholes to our parties because they’re assholes and everyone hates them” culture.

You know what this is? It's the world's smallest violin. And it's playing the Benny Hill theme song as you're running around Jeffrey Epstein's island in your underwear. https://t.co/x7e6jLr6Fp

— Ken Tremendous (@KenTremendous) July 17, 2022

I guess helping democracy-hating autocrats desperately cling to power is lonely work on Martha’s Vineyard.

Who knew?

Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.

Newsmax host draws mockery after he makes scene at McDonald’s and they called him a ‘male Karen’

Newsmax is to Fox News what movie theater pre-movie advertisements are to the movies being shown: inexplicably 10 to 15 years behind in the graphics department and production. Greg Kelly is one of the hosts of one of the shows that interview people like Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene and pretend she isn’t completely out to lunch in her ideas. But this morning Kelly’s got a gripe. It turns out that he claims to have gone to a McDonald’d and could not find a “MCFISH” on the menu. When he freaked out about this and “demanded to see the ‘manager,’” he says he was called a “MALE KAREN.” Are you confused? Here’s his exact tweet, verbatim, with all of his typing and spelling and factual errors, which he presented with a photo of the establishment he was railing against.

I just went to a MACDONALD’S and there was no MCFISH on the menu. When the hell did that happen? Is it permanently banned? Or is just my “local” MACDONALD’S. I demanded to see the “manager” but they accused me of being a “MALE KAREN” so i walked out.

Before we get into the fact that there is no such thing as a MCFISH sandwich, and in fact never has been; before we get into the fact that he misspelled a proper noun in a tweet—even though he also included a picture of the correct spelling of that proper noun—and before we wonder aloud about why he put the word “local” in quotation marks; let us all remember this Kurt Vonnegut quote: “Enjoy the little things in life because one day you’ll look back and realize they were the big things.” Twitter responded to this tweet to bring us all joy over the little things about Greg Kelly, male Karen.

First off, let’s just point out some of the glaring problems with this tweet.

Impressive. You both spelled McDonald's wrong and also complained about not getting a product... that doesn't exist. pic.twitter.com/uex6n37r0q

— Daniel Wexler (@WexlerRules) February 4, 2021

I just... like... THE PICTURE OF THE RESTAURANT SPELLED PROPERLY IS IN THE TWEET! And, even though he doesn't know it's called "Filet-o-Fish"... he intuitively thinks it should be called "McFish" not "MACFish" ... AND YET HE STILL DOESN'T GET THE NAME OF THE CHAIN RIGHT? https://t.co/sLTFvSsEax

— Elie Mystal (@ElieNYC) February 4, 2021

And there are questions to be answered by fake news host Kelly.

Things that never happened, for $100 Alex (RIP)

— Rich Swinton 🇺🇸 (@RicoSuaveJD) February 4, 2021

And some punch-up.

I just went to a WENDIES and there was no BACON DELIGHT on the menu. When the hell did that happen? Is it permanently banned? Or is just my “local” WENDIES. I demanded to see the “manager” but they accused me of being a “MALE KAREN” so i walked out. pic.twitter.com/UTtobEB35s

— Twice-Impeached, One-Term Trumpy (parody) (@outofcontroljb) February 4, 2021

I went to BURGER KANG once & the WHIPPER wasn't on the "menu" so I was like dudes what the "fuck" where is my WHIPPER but then they called me a "MAN HALLUCINATING IN A BURGER KANG" so I walked out and what day is it now?

— Mark Hughes (@markhughesfilms) February 4, 2021

And a throwback to a movie that will soon have a sequel.

I just went to a MCDOWELL’S and there was no BIG MAC on the menu. When the hell did that happen? Is it permanently banned? Or is just my “local” MCDOWELL’S. I demanded to see the “manager” but they accused me of being a “DISEASED RHINOCEROS PIZZLE” so I walked out. pic.twitter.com/ypKsmJJ9te

— Santa Claus, CEO (@SantaInc) February 4, 2021

And a refresher.

top 5 things here: 5. MCFISH (it's fillet-o-fish, dude) 4. MACDONALDS (...like, bro) 3. MALE KAREN 2. 9:58 AM 1. """""manager""""""

— Erikk (@erikk38) February 4, 2021

But what about Newsmax?

I can see why Newsmax gave you your own “show.” https://t.co/se20sHpPwE

— southpaw (@nycsouthpaw) February 4, 2021