"In major legal news, The Trump Organization has been found guilty of 17 counts of tax fraud and other financial crimes. We know how this works, right? All the successes of the Trump Organization are due to the genius of Donald Trump. All the crimes? He had no idea. 'That's right, folks. I have zero control over the things I run!' "
—Trevor Noah
"Why this took so long is beyond me. I mean, convicting the Trump organization of fraud is like convicting Wetzel's of pretzels—it's what they do."
—Jimmy Kimmel
Continued...
You are now below the fold.
CAUTION: The sugar plum fairies down here carry nunchucks.
"Democratic Senator Raphael Warnock is projected to defeat Republican Herschel Walker in the Georgia senate runoff race. And if you think you're relieved, just think how relieved Herschel Walker is. He just narrowly avoided a six-year pop quiz he did not study for."
—Seth Meyers
“Herschel was like a plane crash into a train wreck that rolled into a dumpster fire. And an orphanage. Than an animal shelter. You kind of had to watch it squinting through one eye between your fingers."
—Dan McLagan, who ran against Herschel Walker in the 2022 Georgia MAGA senate primary
“With this loss Walker is expected to return to his previous job: lying about having previous jobs.”
—Stephen Colbert
"The White House chief of staff says that he expects President Biden to announce that he's running for reelection after the holidays. That makes sense—most Americans announce that they’re going to start running after the holidays."
—Jimmy Fallon
"You're not gonna believe this, but Alex Jones and Kanye West got together and it didn't go well. Kanye West made anti-Semitic jokes and said 'I like Hitler,' which is also the password he used to get into Mar-a-Lago."
—Colin Jost, SNL
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 9, 2022
Note: Arson charges pending after Jeanette and Isabella admit to bringing a torch to a duplex on Maple Drive during a drinking binge. Film at 11.
CHEERS to what Georgia hath wrought. As the Mar-a-Lago elves continue their cleanup of ketchup hurled in rage at various walls, and as Herschel Walker continues asking random strangers for directions back to his Texas mansion, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer gently pats a baseball bat in the palm of his hand, now that Rev. Raphael Warnock's landslide victory in the Georgia runoff election has given him an outright majority. (Arizona weirdo Kyrysytyeyn Synyeymyay went independent last night but will still caucus with Democrats, so the majority holds.) That means obstructionist troublemakers like Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham all the MAGA clowns are now powerless to stop the normal function of the Senate. AP highlights the bigg'uns…
In January, for starters, Democrats will have an easier time using their 51-49 majority for simple tasks of governing, including votes on Biden’s nominees to judicial and executive positions, which Republicans have wielded as weapons.
“Sit yer ass down, Mitch, your co-sheriff badge is revoked. We gave it to Herschel as a souvenir.”
The same goes for committee action. The Democrats will now have full power to send legislation to the Senate floor, overcoming Republican objections that can drag out the process. They also will have subpoena power, which they plan to use for investigating corporate America.
As for Senator Warnock? He gets to trade in his ergonomically-nightmarish standard Senate seat for a comfy barcalounger with built-in massager and cup holder. I just decided that. Anybody second the motion?
CHEERS (we hope) to the future of fair elections. Not that gerrymandering isn’t already a huge problem that sticks a finger in the eye of every voter who lives in a congressional district that's been shaped like an anorexic seahorse. But what the star chamber-funded MAGAts are trying to do now is give state legislatures absolute power over how elections are not only run, but decided. That scenario is what was argued before the Hardly-Supreme Court this week, and no one knows how the judges will rule on Moore v. Harper next June. But Marc Elias at Democracy Docket, who has argued and won a shitload of election-related cases (he had a field day doing it in 2020), offers his opinion, which is worth more than most, based on his experience:
Today’s argument will likely assuage many, but not all, of the concerns raised by supporters of voting rights and fair redistricting. There seems little chance that the Court will deny state courts their traditional role of interpreting and applying their state constitutions to state laws governing elections. For voting rights advocates, the devil will be in the details of any opinion, but it feels like we dodged a bullet.
That bulldog should’ve recused himself. He had a bone to pick with the defense.
Proponents of the ISL [Independent State Legislature] theory will likely be disappointed by today’s argument. The Court greeted the arguments from the Moore lawyer coldly from the start and the Court seemed to coalesce around a middle ground approach petitioners rejected at the beginning of the day.
His lips to God's ears. And in other news, God asks people to stop it with the lips-to-ears thing because it's slimy, unhygienic, and feels too much like a wet willy.
CHEERS to the #1 cause of hairy palms and sudden blindness. On this date in 1994 Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders—who, at 89, is still professor emeritus at the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences—got triangulated out of her job by President Bill Clinton. Her offense: having the gall to suggest that legalizing marijuana might be a good idea, and teaching kids about masturbation might help prevent the spread of AIDS.
Firing her was not one of Bill Clinton’s finest moments.
"Education, education, education," she said. "The only way we are going to get around this disease is with education. We have no vaccine, we have no magic drug. All we've got is education." Clinton should've let her stay. He might've learned that playing with yourself prevents something else: impeachment.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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This mini-tug was built by Chuck’s Boat and Drive out of Longview Washington and used by the U.S. Navy to move ships and submarines. It's the smallest active-duty vessel of the United States Navy [source, read more: https://t.co/UdJ1icOdOb] pic.twitter.com/ccABeQh8do
CHEERS to the Crossroads of America. Happy birthday Sunday to the home of 6.7 million clean-cut, "basketball ring"-dunking patriots in the heartland.
Also in Indiana’s “plus” column: the first openly-gay presidential candidate from a major party to win a primary or caucus (Iowa), and current Secretary of Transportation, is a Hoosier.
On December 11, 1816, Indiana (or as we say in Maine: "Indianer") became our nation's 19th state. I grew up next door in Ohio, so naturally I'm legally obliged to look down my designer reading glasses at you "Hoosier types" because I’ve been indoctrinated to believe that your corn is inferior and you stole our state bird, the cardinal. (I still say the Buckeye State should build a big, beautiful border wall and make Kentucky pay for it.) But I'll give you this: any state that produces David Letterman (Indianapolis), Eugene V. Debs (Terre Haute), Kurt Vonnegut (also Indy), Larry Bird (West Baden Springs), Florence Henderson (Dale), and all these other VIPs can't be all bad. But we do have three somber words for the folks in Columbus, where Mike Pence cultivated his lifelong obsession with Puritanism as a lad: “Thoughts and prayers.”
CHEERS to home vegetation. Sure, the world's crumbling around us…but at least we've got the magic talking picture box to make things better, so cheer up, Bucky. The evening starts out the usual way, with Chris Hayes and the MSNBC crew unwrapping the latest presents from the Bidenville and MAGA Town. Or at 8:30 on PBS’s Firing Line you can hear from Nobel Peace Prize-winning journalist Maria Ressa on how disinformation on social media threatens democracy. And there’s a new episode of Whose Line Is It Anyway? at 9 on the CW.
Tomorrow night is Christmas night, with Rudolph and Frosty on CBS, and a grisly murder-for-hire sting operation on Dateline NBC, which isn’t technically a Christmas show, but they’ll have Christmas-themed commercials during it so it counts. Then we’ll prop our eyelids open with toothpicks as we stay up to watch Steve Martin and Martin Short host SNL.
Sunday’s highlight is the lighting of the National War-on-Christmas Tree (8pm, CBS). On 60 Minutes: a profile of Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen, the effects of legal challenges on social media, and the College of Magic in Capetown. Coach Moe hires brawlers to teach Nelson how to play hockey on The Simpsons, and Stewie and Doug compete in the race to become class snack captain.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
CNN's State of the Union: Bernie!!! Plus Special Presidential Envoy for Hostage Affairs Roger Carstens.
Also: the Rockefeller Center tree weighs in on farm subsidies and tort reform.
Face the Nation: Rep. Adam Schiff of the House Intelligence Committee (D-CA); Former National Security Council senior director for European and Russian affairs Fiona Hill; former director of the Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency Chris Krebs; J.P. Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon.
Meet the Press: Sen. Jon Tester (D-MT); former U.S. Attorney Preet Bharara, who led the prosecution of Russian arms dealer Viktor Bout.
This Week: NASA'S Johnson Space Center Director Vanessa E. Wyche; House Jan. 6 Committee member Rep. Adam Kinzinger (R-IL).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Former Secretary of State and lifelong asshole Mike Pompeo (MAGA).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 9, 2012
CHEERS to going nuclear. Senate Republicans have abused the filibuster more gleefully than a podiatric dominatrix on Dick Morris's toes. So Harry Reid and his allies (led by Jeff Merkley) have promised to make some minor but significant tweaks to the procedural rules. This week they re-upped their commitment to the task:
“There are discussions going on now, but I want to tell everybody here: I’m happy, I’ve had a number of Republicans come to me and a few Democrats,” the Democratic majority leader told reporters Tuesday afternoon. “We’re going to change the rules. We cannot continue in this way. So I hope we can get something Republicans will work with us on.
But it won’t be a handshake,” Reid added. “We tried that last time; it didn’t work.”
Damn right. Harry got Lucy-footballed by McConnell, and this is why neither party can have nice things in the Senate anymore. The rules need to be changed. That way minority Republicans will be forced to show America just how deeply they care about stopping the tyrannical legislation of the majority for the good of the Union by using airtight logic and appealing to our collective sense of justice, equality and fair play. You can laugh now…that was the punchline. [12/9/22 Update: Ten years later, still waiting.]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to 19 laps around the blog track. December 10, 2003. A Wednesday. 7:33pm. Shrouded in the New England darkness, with only the constellation Orion to guide him, a newbie blogger, looking almost freakishly younger than his 39 years, clasps his mouse with trembling fingers and clicks the "Post" button. Suddenly the heavens erupt in a frenzy of partly cloudy skies with a slight chance of flurries and a light breeze as the Daily Kos blog accepts his diary:
This is followed by two comments: Nevsky42 at 7:38 and Bob Johnson at 7:50. From that moment on, social media will never be the same. Later, in 2007, the Daily Kos community elects to put me on your collective—and full-time—payroll. You fools! But if the holiday spirit moves you, you can still support C&J with a generous one-time or monthly contribution by clicking here for the various donation options and also a snail mail address.
EXCLUSIVE behind-the-scenes photo: a typical day at the C&J office.
Although it's been said many times, many ways: thank you for reading and supporting my little pixelfied rag for nineteen years. It's an odd little bag of flaming poo. But, by god, it's our odd little bag of flaming poo.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Last Friday was author, lecturer, and humanist Kurt Vonnegut’s 100th birthday. Wrote Dinitia Smith in her New York Timesobituary:
Like Mark Twain, Mr. Vonnegut used humor to tackle the basic questions of human existence: Why are we in this world? Is there a presiding figure to make sense of all this, a god who in the end, despite making people suffer, wishes them well? […]
Not all Mr. Vonnegut’s themes were metaphysical. With a blend of vernacular writing, science fiction, jokes and philosophy, he also wrote about the banalities of consumer culture, for example, or the destruction of the environment.
In his memory, some bits of rhetorical Vonnegoodness (of which he left us a bountiful harvest) below the fold:
Vonnegut (Cont’d)
✌ Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It’s hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It’s round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you’ve got about a hundred years here. There’s only one rule that I know of, babies—‘God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.’
✌ When things go well for days on end, it is a hilarious accident.
✌ “If you keep up with current events in the supermarket tabloids, you know that a team of Martian anthropologists has been studying our culture for the past ten years, since our culture is the only one worth a nickel on the whole damn planet. You can forget Brazil and Argentina. Anyway: They went back home last week, because they knew how terrible global warming was about to be. Their space vehicle wasn’t a flying saucer. It was more like a flying soup tureen. And they’re little all right, only six inches high. But they aren’t green. They’re mauve.”
Happy 100th, Kurt, wherever ye be.
✌ "I love science. All Humanists do. I’m particularly fond of the Big Bang Theory. It goes like this: There was once all this nothing, and it was so much nothing that there wasn’t even such a thing as nothing. And then all of a sudden there was this great big BANG, and that’s where all this crap came from. Forget the Bible. Any questions? You know what they should put over the entrance to the Physics Department? Just that one word: BANG!”
✌ Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
✌ “A show of hands, please: How many of you have had a teacher at any stage of your education, from the first grade until this day in May, who made you happier to be alive, prouder to be alive, than you had previously believed possible? Good! Now say the name of that teacher to someone sitting or standing near you. All done? If this isn’t nice, what is?”
✌ “Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.”
✌ "There is no reason why good cannot triumph as often as evil. The triumph of anything is a matter of organization. If there are such things as angels, I hope that they are organized along the lines of the Mafia."
And, of course, my personal adopted motto:
✌ I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different.
Happy Birthday, Kurt. And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, November 17, 2022
Note: For those of you cooking Thanksgiving turkeys weighing over 250 pounds, today's the day to pop 'em in the oven. And also the day to realize you're going to need a bigger oven.
Date on which the 8 billionth current inhabitant of Planet Earth was born: 11/15/22
Years it took for the world's population to grow from 7 to 8 billion (versus the 15 it'll take to hit 9 billion): 12
Percent chance that the Murdoch media empire, including Fox News, will support a Trump candidacy in 2024, according to what Murdoch says he told Trump in person: 0%
Amount Herschel Walker's campaign gets for every $10 donated via the latest fundraising effort by the National Republican Senatorial Committee: 10 cents
Percent in a YouGov poll who believe it’s acceptable to start listening to holiday music before Thanksgiving: 18%
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
The sheer pleasure of getting lessons in etiquette from Karl Rove and the right-wing media passeth all understanding.
Ever since 1994, the Republican Party has gone after Democrats with the frenzy of a foaming mad dog. There was the impeachment of Bill Clinton, not to mention the trashing of both Clinton and his wife—accused of everything from selling drugs to murder—all orchestrated by that paragon of manners, Tom DeLay. [...]
These people are not only dishonest—they're not even smart. Not that I recommend nailing them at every turn, but I wouldn't be surprised if they try to do it to Democrats. If what Republicans have been practicing is bipartisanship, West Texas just flooded.
—November, 2006, following historic Dem wins in the House and Senate
CHEERS to the forgotten senator-elect. If you believed the pundits and predictors before November 8th, the Senate race in Vermont was going to be one of the very few bright spots in an otherwise nightmarish hellscape for the pathetic Demonrat Party. But as it turns out, things went so well for the mighty Democratic Party juggernaut at every level of government across the country that Vermont got lost in the hubbub. So belated C&J congratulations are in order for Patrick Leahy's successor, who won in a landslide so huge (68% - 28%) that other landslides are going, "Now THAT'S a landslide"…
Vermont’s Democratic U.S. Rep. Peter Welch is set to become U.S. Sen. Peter Welch. After nearly 16 years as Vermont’s lone member of the U.S. House, Welch will move to the upper chamber come January…
You can now call him Senator-elect Welch.
Welch’s victory speech was celebratory, but had a grim undercurrent: He harkened back to the riot at the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021, during which supporters of former President Donald Trump attempted to interrupt the certification of President Joe Biden’s election, and said his Senate victory “is in the shadow of what happened on January 6. I was there when the Capitol was attacked and the shot was fired and the doors were broken down and everyone was dismayed,” he said. “This election, unlike any other elections, has democracy right front and center on the ballot.” […]
Throughout his campaign, Welch has said he is willing to change the Senate’s filibuster rules in order to accomplish major Democratic priorities, such as passing a law to protect to abortion access nationwide in response to the U.S. Supreme Court’s overturning of Roe v. Wade and Planned Parenthood v. Casey.
Welch, an elder statesman at 75, joins Pennsylvania whippersnapper John Fetterman (53) as the Big-D Newbie Class of '22. Two bits of advice from the experienced senators: 1) keep your wallet in your front pants pocket so your "esteemed Republican colleagues" won’t steal it, and 2) towel-snapping Ted Cruz anytime, anywhere is not only acceptable but your patriotic duty.
CHEERS to palace intrigue. The fight is on for which fascism-loving white male gets to be in charge of the party that, against all odds, lost control of the Senate last week. Whoever wins will be in charge of whining, complaining, and taking really long lunches. Here's the current state of their epic battle:
Sen. Rick Scott (R-Fla.) on Tuesday announced a challenge to Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) for GOP leader after their party’s disastrous performance in the midterm elections and its failure to retake the Senate.
If nothing else, ya gotta appreciate that Sen. Scott files his fangs down before public appearances.
McConnell’s position as leader isn’t seriously in doubt. On Tuesday, he struck a defiant tone and and said he has the votes to become leader again—whether the GOP leadership election takes place this week or not.
Despite McConnell's defiant tone, don’t count Scott out. I've seen pythons eat alligators, so a turtle is like an appetizer.
JEERS to the hunchback of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Speaking of Republican shits, forty-nine years ago today, in 1973, floundering President Richard Nixon uttered his immortal words: "People have got to know whether or not their president is a crook. Well, I'm not a crook."
And to prove he wasn't a crook, Gerald Ford shielded him with a "full and unconditional pardon" after Nixon resigned rather than face impeachment for crooky things like high crimes and misdemeanors. Trust me: the less you think about it, the more it makes sense.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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It was four years ago today that music legend Roy Clark passed away - Here's part of his masterful guitar performance of "Malaguena" from an all-time classic episode of "The Odd Couple"! #RIPRoy 🎶 pic.twitter.com/fXEyMwE4Q4
CHEERS to a fine use of nib and ink. Seven score and nineteen years ago, on November 17, 1863, our forefather President Lincoln brought forth on this continent a first draft of his Gettysburg Address, conceived in wanting to make a broad statement about the strength of our democracy in dark times, and dedicated to the proposition that future generations of Americans will have no clue what a score is. Tomorrow: the thrilling conclusion.
CHEERS to cleansing your cosmic soul. Cast your eyes heavenward this week and you might see some wowee-zowee fireworks in the sky. The Leonid Brezhnev meteor shower—which happens every time Earth plays footsies with Comet Tempel-Tuttle and its debris field—is entering its most Leonidinicious period tonight and tomorrow night:
The Leonids are a modest shower producing up to approximately 15 meteors per hour.
Thunder is God bowling. Meteor showers are God playing Atari’s ‘Missile Command.’
The Leonids are considered some of the fastest meteors, zipping through the sky at 44 miles per second, according to NASA. They can also result in impressive fireballs producing long, bright and colorful meteor streaks.
You don't need any telescopes or binoculars as the secret to a good meteor viewing experience is to take in as much sky as possible. Make sure to allow about 30 minutes for your eyes to adjust to the dark.
As I like to say, everyone loves meteor showers because they’re beautiful, unite Americans in a common activity, and make lots of people happy and curious about the universe and the wonders of science. Which explains why House Republicans plan to introduce a constitutional amendment banning all future meteor showers.
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Ten years ago in C&J: November 17, 2012
CHEERS to fitting in. Senator-elect Angus King, who is replacing Olympia Snowe, has decided who he's going to caucus with. I'll give you a hint: it ain't the Republicans. And this is interesting:
Before settling on the Democratic caucus, King said he spoke with more than a dozen senators from both parties. Those conversations included one with Sen. Roy Blunt, R-Mo., vice chairman of the Senate Republican Conference. Blunt and King met for about 45 minutes to discuss the possibility of King joining the Senate Republican caucus, Canney said. “It was a good conversation.”
Yeah, other than being horrified by the GOP's stance on women's rights, education, clean energy, foreign policy, LGBT rights, science, health care, immigration, climate change, and gun control, it was…y'know…it was good.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to that people-powered dude. Since I know you appreciate being made to feel old, here's a fun fact: when Howard Dean's 2004 presidential campaign—the catalyst for bringing so many of us here to Daily Kos—was shifting into high gear, he was but a lad of 56. Today he finds 74 candles on his birthday cake.
Irrational exuberance on your birthday? I’ll allow it.
The former Vermont governor (first in the nation to sign same-sex civil unions into law—a quaint milestone, but groundbreaking at the time) became the loudest 2004 candidate to rail against the warmongering Bush II regime at a time when too many Democratic leaders were still searching for their spines. (His 2003 speech in Sacramento remains one of the most influential barn burners in modern political history.)
Of course, we all know Governor Dean met his Waterloo after he uttered "Yeah" in Iowa at a higher volume than is allowed in polite political society. He then went on to become the chairman of the DNC, unleashing a radical strategy that would give the Democratic party a robust presence in all 50 states, and remains forever a proud card-carrying Kossack. So when you're pouring your first drinky this morning (may we recommend a cocktail made with pure Vermont maple syrup?), hoist it and send a happy birthday toast to ol’ Doc Dean. And you should also get together and bake him a cake. After all, YOU have the flour and YOU have the flour and YOU have the flour...!!!
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
The kiddie pool where Bill in Portland Maine created Cheers and Jeers is a historical site, and now the flippers he wore while splashing amid the algae have been sold for nearly $220,000, according to an auction house.
Avast me hearties and suchlike. It's me, Captain Billybeard, fear-instiller of the deep blue kiddie pool. For thems who don't knows, today is the blow-me-downest day of the year: International Talk Like A Pirate Day. And arrrway we go…
President Biden: "By 2035 we’ll all be drivin’ electric carrrs!"
Democratic strategist: "That Fetterman lad is a rising starrr."
Winston Churchill: "Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves, that if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, 'This was their finest arrr!'"
Continued...
American worker: "Thanks to those greedy bastards on Wall Street, I may never get to retarrr!"
Daily Kos blogger: ”My favorite front-pager is the Morrill lass named Barrrrb.”
And please: it’s “Arrr,” not “Arrrgh.”
Daily Kos blogger with opposing view: “My favorite front-pager is the Joan they call McCarrrter.”
Judge, sometime in 2023: "I sentence ye, Donald J. Trump, to twenty years behind barrrrs."
Buzz Aldrin: "To Marrrs!"
Interior Secretary Deb Haaland: "Come one, come all, to visit our national parrrks."
Red-hatted End Times fanatic: "Prepare ye for Arrrrmageddon."
Theatre Critic: "Don’t miss the revival of Streetcarrr Named Desarrr!"
Postal abbreviation of Bill Clinton's home state: AR
Trump's legal team: "Ready! Farrr! Aim!"
Thanks for reading. You've been a swarrrthy arrdience. And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, September 15, 2022
Note: Always get anything agreed to on a Monday in writing. Can't trust that day. —Judge Judy
Number of the last two months during which inflation has dropped in the U.S.: 2
Number of subpoenas the Justice Department issued last week to Trump administration goons related to MAGA's January 6 insurrection: 40
Square miles of land Ukrainian troops have retaken over the last two weeks: 3,400
Percent chance that Twitter shareholders approved the takeover of the platform by unstable genius Elon Musk: 100%
Percent by which middle-aged Americans are less likely to die of any cause if they walk 7,000 steps a day, compared with those who walk less, according to research in the Journal of the American Medical Association: 50%
JEERS to our top story of the day by law. Here's an update on The Queen's funeral, which has been in progress for two hours with 52 to go:
♔ Elizabeth II's cellphone continues playing her royal ringtone, God Save the Queen, from her permanently-sealed coffin. The good news: the Royal Viceroy in charge of Telecommunications says it should stop within three days. The bad news: nobody in the British Empire may be seated until it does.
♔ During the service, King Charles III has been seen mumbling "Bloody thing" about his fountain pen, his watch, his squeaky shoes, the elusive strand that the Royal Earl of Nose Hair Trimming missed, and the heffalump that continues to haunt his dreams.
♔ The vicar's pants have finally been located.
♔ Instead of saying "Amen" after prayers and invocations, President Biden is using the alternate wording: "God love ya, man. No joke."
♔ Following the service, teenagers Oliver and Balthazar will shuttle the guests from Westminster Abbey to the Sudsbury-on-the-Glen banquet hall for tea cakes, tea kippers, tea pie, tea brisket, tea shanks, and tea. Please be patient as they can only fit two at a time, including one in the boot.
♔ You can follow the solemnity and unifying grandeur of the funeral via the top-trending hashtags on Twitter: #LeaveHarryAndMeghanAlone, #TheMediaHateHarryAndMeghan, #HarryShouldBeKingNotWankerCharles, and #LizLovedHarryMost.
Join us for our next legally-mandated update in 39 seconds. And throw that gum away—it's disrespectful.
JEERS to today's edition of How Can You Tell When It's Election Season? Courtesy of Susanne Ramírez de Arellano at NBC News:
Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis unexpectedly sent two planes carrying mostly Venezuelan immigrants, including children, to Martha’s Vineyard on Wednesday. It’s the most sadistic iteration of a scheme preferred by governors of Republican states: dumping migrants on northern progressive cities as a political stunt against President Joe Biden’s immigration policy.
Republican governors have been doing this as a way to protest what they claim are insufficient federal efforts to ensure security on the southern border. It is cynical point-scoring against whom they see as woke liberals being soft on immigration—a “gotcha” moment.
This has been today's edition of How Can You Tell When It's Election Season?
CHEERS to seeing the forest for the pearly gates. The more enlightened Americans become, the more it dawns on us that the existence of God will never be anything other than a hope in our imaginations. We can memorize every religious text in every language on every continent and we can scour every corner of the universe, but the fact remains: until He or She or It actually shows up, we’re all agnostics down here on earth. But one thing is for certain: religious grifters, almost always of the conservative persuasion, use the fear of god to shake down their gullible flocks to pad their lavish lifestyles as they actively support politicians for whom punching down is a feature, not a bug. So this is welcome news as far as I—a lapsed Episcopalian—am concerned:
If current trends continue, Christians could make up less than half of the population—and as little as a third—in 50 years.
Meanwhile, the so-called nones—or the religiously unaffiliated — could make up close to half of the population.
Those are among the major findings of a new report from the Pew Research Center regarding America’s religious future—a future where Christianity, though diminished, persists while non-Christian faiths grow amid rising secularization. […]
One reason for the decline among Christians and the growth among the nones in the models is age. While Christians have more children than nones, they are also older. Pew estimates the average Christian in the United States is 43, which is 10 years older than the average none.
But one number remains consistent, according to the Billy Institute of Religious Vittles: 100% of everybody in America agrees that Episcopalian pancake suppers are the best. If I’m lyin’, may God strike me down in a hail of sausage links. Or patties, I’m not picky.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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Ukrainian grandma meets her hero grandson. This is impossible to watch without crying pic.twitter.com/erSz3lC1o5
CHEERS to Field Marshal Billeh's Rule of Thumb. It goes like this: when two countries are at war, the side whose leader is hunkered down in a bunker is not the winning side. So here's a clue as to who is kicking who:
His hand on his heart, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy watched as his country’s flag was hoisted above the recently recaptured city of Izium, a rare foray outside the capital that highlighted Moscow’s embarrassing retreat in the face of a lightning Ukrainian counteroffensive.
As Putin cowers, Zelenskyy leads. And wins.
Russian forces left the war-scarred city last week as Kyiv's soldiers pressed a stunning advance that has reclaimed large swaths of territory in the country’s northeastern Kharkiv region.
As Zelenskyy looked on and sang the national anthem, the Ukrainian flag was raised in front of the burned-out city hall building in the largely devastated town, where apartment buildings are blackened by fire and pockmarked by artillery strikes.
Russia's Vladimir Putin hasn't traveled to the front, citing concerns to his safety. He's afraid he could easily be killed. By his own fleeing troops.
JEERS to deep-sixing #20. On September 19, 1881, President James Garfield died, 80 days after some disgruntled jerk whipped out a couple guns and shot him in the back. One bullet grazed his arm, the other hit his backbone but not the spinal cord or any internal organs. Had the radical notion of sterile hands and instruments (already embraced for 30 years by much of Europe) been in use at the time, and had they not basically starved him, the president would’ve lived. True story: Alexander Graham Bell tried to locate the bullet using his new invention, the metal detector…
As the doctors struggled to understand the extent of Garfield's wounds, Bell, inventor of the telephone, used this machine to try to locate the bullet. When found, the machine was to send a sound to the attached telephone receiver.
“Hello, operator? Please connect me to the president’s bullet. No, I haven’t been drinking. And I also need Amanda Hugginkiss.”
Despite attempts on July 26 and August 1, 1881, Bell could not situate the bullet.
Turns out the steel springs in Garfield's bed likely rendered it useless. Someday we'll be able to joke about it. But not today—after only 141 years, it’s just too soon.
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 19, 2012
JEERS to a bad start. September 9: Shell starts drilling in the Arctic, using the latest safety equipment that will guarantee everything goes smoothly. September 17: Shell stops drilling in the Arctic for the season when their safety equipment breaks. On the bright side, the company assures us it's nothing that a little super glue and a multi-million-dollar PR TV blitz won’t fix. Cue the actors in lab coats with beakers and shit-eating grins…
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And just one more…
JEERS to wasting seven-plus decades of perfectly good oxygen. To the heartbreak of no one but family and a few deplorables, shitbag Texan Ken Starr finally kicked the bucket at 76, but not before spending most of his life as a very sick Republican who used his intellect for evil. The ever-succinct Wonkette has the definitive obituary:
[A]fter he was all done with trying to bring down Bill Clinton, Starr went on to be the president of Baylor University, where he was shitcanned in 2016 for his part in covering up—or failing to "take appropriate action to respond to"—a massive sexual assault scandal involving the football team, and then he helped defend the indefensible Donald Trump in his first impeachment, fuck him, he's dead, the end.
I'd bet money his trip to the afterlife will involve taking the 'Down' elevator. But darn it, I have this dumb rule about saying something nice about the recently departed. So here goes: he generally did a good job centering the knot in his necktie. Ah…the banality of evil.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"The only people who take Bill in Portland Maine seriously are those who splash in his kiddie pool. And no one splashes in his kiddie pool."
Note: Today is Take Your Houseplants For A Walk Day. For maximum enjoyment, we recommend you celebrate Smoke Your Special Homegrown Houseplant That Sits Under The Purple Grow Light Day before you leave the house. And don’t forget to hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.
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By the Numbers:
7 days!!!
Days 'til the official end of the "dog days of summer": 15
Percent chance that President Biden continued the drone-strike campaign started and continued by Presidents Bush, Obama, and Trump: 0%
Estimated number of viewers, according to Nielsen Research, who watched last week's House Jan. 6 Committee hearing, the second-highest of all 8 hearings: 17.7 million
Percent of the viewers who were 55 and older, aka likely voters: 77%
Speed at which Sen. Josh Hawley ran for his life out of the Capitol building on Jan. 6, 2021, the fastest known scaredy-cat sprint on record: 397mph
Age of beloved character actors Paul Sorvino ("Goodfellas," "Law & Order") and David Warner ("Time Bandits," "Star Trek V & VI") when they died this week: 83, 80
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Mid-weekRapture Index: 188 (including 4 volcanoes and 1God's Little Insurrectionist play set). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
CHEERS to workin' your way up the rotten-food chain. They're proceeding so quietly that I'd forgotten a federal grand jury is hearing evidence related to the Republican 2021 insurrection. And unlike the House's investigation, the temptation to blow off a subpoena from the Justice Department isn't really an option. And it turns out that the subpoenas are bagging some big game. Like for instance Marc Short, who was Mike Pence's chief of staff, and saw some things. Very bad things…
Short was a key witness to the chaotic final days of the Trump administration as Donald Trump attempted to remain in power, pressuring those around him to find ways to overturn the results of the 2020presidential election.
No word on whether Mr. Short traveled to face the grand jury from his secret mountaintop lair or his secret undersea lair.
Short was in the Oval Office on Jan. 4, 2021, when Trump had lawyer John Eastman attempt to convince Pence to delay the certification of the Electoral College vote. That plan involved the vice president making false assertions that there were issues with electoral votes that had been certified for Joe Biden, who won the 2020 race. (Pence declined to go along with the plan.)
Short was also in the Capitol with Pence on Jan. 6as the vice president was forced to flee from pro-Trump rioters who stormed the building, some of whom were chanting, “Hang Mike Pence.”
Dare we raise our hopes that Merrick Garland is about to fire up his modified snowplow and crash through the gates of Mar-A-Lago while shouting, "Your crimey days are over, old man!" I hope not. Mainly because I think Trump's in New Jersey at the moment.
Just a simple tourist shitting on Nancy Pelosi’s walls.
CHEERS to getting to the bottom of all this insurrection whatchamahootchie. While we’re counting down the days ‘til September’s Jan. 6 Committee “bonus hearings,” it’s worth mentioning that one year ago today they held their first one to get to the bottom of what happened the day the MAGAts went all "Reichstag Fire" on their country by storming the Capitol to hang Trump's vice president, smear feces on the walls, ransack the place, attack the Capitol Police, plant a Confederate flag under the Rotunda, and stop the certification of Joe Biden's election victory. Or, as the cult likes to say: the day they dressed up in their fancy best to hug and kiss the Capitol Police as they politely took a tour of our seat of government out of intellectual curiosity. So, y'know…potato puhtahto. If I recall correctly, co-chairman Rep. Bennie Thompson's opening question was a doozy:
"Congressman Jim Jordan, would you like to say a few opening words? Oh, wait, that's right, he got booted off the committee Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!! Any objection to Congressman Jordan going first? Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!! Or do you just want to sit there and look the other way, cuz I hear you were really good doing that at OSU. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!”
Thus explaining why one year ago today was also the first time anyone ever saw Liz Cheney crack a smile.
JEERS to hounding the wrong guy. Here’s a reminder that assholes can, and do, sometimes pee in the pool during the fun. Twenty-six years ago today, domestic right-wing terrorist nut Eric Rudolph detonated a pipe bomb at the Summer Olympic games in Atlanta.
Sculpture in Centennial (Olympic) Park with an indentation of a nail from the July 27, 1996 bombing.
The blast killed one person and injured over a hundred more, but it could've been worse if security guard Richard Jewell hadn’t found the bomb and tried to move people out of harm's way. The hero was later pilloried in the press and by the late-night gaggle (Leno called him the "Una-doofus") when it became known that the FBI considered him a suspect. Then, when his name was officially cleared, they moved on and dumped his reputation by the side of the road like a rodent carcass. Wikipedia reminds us of what the media should've learned:
Jewell's case became an example of the damage that can be done by reporting based on unreliable or incomplete information...
JEERS to hollow words. Oh look—the Catholic Church is apologizing again for a top-down act of unspeakable horror on the very people it claims to love and cherish and blah blah blah. And once again, it's offering its words of remorse waaaaaaaaay later than it should:
"I am sorry," the pope said, speaking in Maskwacis, Alberta, at the lands of four Cree nations. "I humbly beg forgiveness for the evil committed by so many Christians against the Indigenous peoples," Francis said near the site of the former Ermineskin Indian Residential School, where ground-penetrating radar has been used to try to locate unmarked graves of students who died while attending the school.
I’ll believe it when God puts it in writing.
The residential schools forcibly separated Indigenous children from their parents as part of an effort to convert them to Christianity and assimilate them into the wider Canadian culture.
In total, 150,000 children from Canada's First Nations tribes were placed in 139 schools run under government contract—most by the Catholic Church—over a 150-year period.
So that's one more long-overdue apology down, and probably thousands more to go in countries all around the world for shit they did over many centuries. What happened in Canada is just one more reason why the Catholic Church should come with a warning: Keep Out Of Reach Of Children.
CHEERS to the end of the end. It was all over for Tricky Dick 48 years ago today, thanks to a 27-11 vote by the House Judiciary Committee to adopt the first of three articles of impeachment against President Nixon who, said ABC News's Tom Jarrell at the time, was "presumably still in his swim trunks" while on vacation in California when he heard the news. Meanwhile, then-VP Gerald Ford just couldn’t help but play a little game of up-is-downism:
Ford: It's interesting that every Democrat on the committee—north and south—voted for the article. ... It tends to make it a partisan issue.
Oh, just GTFO already.
Reporter: Even if one-third of Republicans voted for it?
Ford: Well, the fact that every one of the Democrats voted for it, I think, uh, lends credence that it's a partisan issue, even though some Republicans have deviated.
...said the Republican who later unilaterally exonerated the Republican crook. But, hey, what's a little hypocrisy among friends?
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Ten years ago in C&J: July 27, 2012
CHEERS to finding true (state-mandated-under-penalty-of-forced-labor) love. Aww, don’t ya just love it when ruthless dictators get twitterpated? That's the big story coming out of North Korea, where Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un married Ri Sol-Ju after realizing that his biological clock was ticking ticking ticking. Her present to him: pearl cufflinks and a Netflix account. His present to her: the launch of a test rocket that'll explode seconds after liftoff. [Sniff] Pass the tissues.
“Whether saving humanity, masterminding a heist, or captaining a ship in dangerous seas, actor George Clooney’s unique brand of earnest charisma and his complete embodiment of a character has led us to root for him every time.
I have met one of them. She was very nice.
Multi-platinum singer-songwriter Amy Grant became the first artist to bring contemporary Christian music to the forefront of American culture, then equally thrived after crossing over into mainstream pop with hit after hit, and today is revered as the “Queen of Christian Pop.”
In her 55-year music career, legendary singer and America’s beloved “Empress of Soul” Gladys Knight went from the Pips of Georgia to Grammy royalty, showcasing a boundless vocal range and soulfulness that has stood the test of time.
A brave, young Cuban refugee turned Pulitzer Prize-winning composer and music ambassador, Tania León has blessed America for more than five decades with her astoundingly original compositions and continues to be a major influence on classical music.
And one of most influential rock bands of the modern rock era, U2, won over America and the world long ago with their iconic anthems, potent lyrics, and powerful messages of social justice and global citizenship—earning a musical legacy that crosses generations, inspires, and unites.”
The sitting President of the United States will attend the induction festivities at the Kennedy Center sitting in a balcony seat with the honorees during the festivities on December 4th. The last president snubbed them on orders from his doctor. Apparently he suffers from a severe allergy to the toxic mix of happiness and culture.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"Bill in Portland Maine—the answer to the question, what if a garbage can full of cocaine and squirrel-raising pamphlets wished to be a real boy? "
Climbing into my home-built starship (thanks again for the blueprints, Popular Mechanics) and using the sun as a slingshot to achieve speeds that allowed me to merge with a wormhole, yesterday I made my annual trip back in time to fetch this bit of insight-with-no-expiration-date from Paul Waldman circa July, 2006. Consider it a timely warning to our current spate of GOP toxicity:
Conservatism is the ideology of the past—a past we don't want to return to.
Continued...
Waldman continued...
Liberals need to embrace the culture war, because we're winning. The story of American history is that of conservative ideas and prejudices falling away as our society grows more progressive and thus more true to our nation's founding ideals.
Conservatives supported slavery, conservatives opposed women's suffrage, conservatives supported Jim Crow, conservatives opposed the 40-hour work week and the abolishment of child labor, and conservatives supported McCarthyism. In short, all the major advancements of freedom and justice in our history were pushed by liberals and opposed by conservatives, no matter the party they inhabited at the time.
Conservatism is Bill Bennett lecturing you about self-denial, then rushing off to feed his slot habit at the casino. It's James Dobson telling you that children need regular beatings to stay in line. It's a superannuated nun rapping you on the knuckles so you won't think about your dirty parts. It's Jerry Falwell watching "Teletubbies" frame by frame to see if Tinky Winky is trying to turn him gay. Conservatism is everyone you never wanted to grow up to be.
Let’s just hope our country gets that through its thick skull in time. At the moment it’s looking iffy.
Note: A quick heads-up that there will be no C&J on Monday as we'll be retroactively winning the 2006 superlotto jackpot and telling everybody they can piss off because WE'RE RICH RICH RICH HA HA HAAAAA!!!! Back Tuesday to beg everybody's forgiveness when we realize that we retroactively blew our fortune on cocaine and hookers in 2007.
Percent of Americans polled by Fox News who favor 18-year terms for Supreme Court justices: 66%
Percent in the same Fox poll who favor determining the winner of presidential elections with the popular vote instead of the electoral college: 55%
Size of the energy deal the EU made with Algiers, Azerbaijan, and the UAE to help wean it off of Russian energy: $4 billion
Number of fake Georgia electors who have been informed that they're targets in a criminal probe: 16
Drop in Netflix subscribers during the 2nd quarter, versus -433k during the 2nd quarter of 2021: 1 million
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
The Wall Street Journal's editorial page (the People Who Don't Read Their Own Paper) tried to describe the Federalist Society as an anodyne debating society.
No, it is not—it is a radical right organization, which explains why the White House made calls to national media to deny that [John] Roberts was a member.
Jerome Shestack, president of the American Bar Association in 1998, said, "So much of the society's leadership consists of active politicians and others whose slouching toward extremism is self-proclaimed."
The society is funded by millions of dollars from right-wing and libertarian foundations. It attempts to influence legal education and works with right-wing legal advocacy and litigation organizations.
CHEERS to Night 2. Yes, yes, yes, I know it's actually the eighth televised hearing of the House Jan. 6 Committee, but it's only the second one to air in primetime. Tonight's event, which starts at 8, is the grand finale—and whether he's ready or not, the guest of dishonor is gonna get his closeup:
It is expected to focus on what former President Donald Trump was doing during the187 minutes after rioters descended on the Capitol and before he issued he a public response.
Tonight we get a minute-by-minute account of what the traitor-in-chief was doing when he unleashed his mob.
Two former Trump White House officials who resigned as a result of the Jan. 6 attack will testify: Former deputy national security adviser Matthew Pottinger—who announced his departure that day — and Trump deputy White House press secretary Sarah Matthews. […]
Rep. Adam Kinzinger, who will be one of the committee members leading Thursday's hearing, told "Face the Nation" Sunday that the hearing will "open people's eyes in a big way" about Trump's behavior.
Daily Kos's finest will liveblog the hearing, so join us for some quality OMG and WTF time. And here's tonight's drinking game: if it's after 8, drink.
JEERS to our hunka hunka burnin' planet. How hot is it here on Planet Fireball? Hotter than a January 6th insurrectionist's dendrites when they're trying to remember how to tie their shoes. Hotter than Marjorie Taylor Greene's hair being set on fire by a Jewish space laser. Hotter than the steam coming out of Donald Trump's ears as he watches the Jan. 6 hearings. Hotter than the seat a Wall Street bankster sits on as Rep. Katie Porter says, "My first question to you is…" It was so hot that Franklin Graham began telling his flock that unrepentant sinners would start being re-routed to fry for eternity in Oklahoma. Yeah...that hot:
A sprawling heat dome is bringing temperatures of up to 110°F, or possibly higher, to a broad swath of the U.S. on Wednesday, with more than 100 million people under heat warnings and advisories.
The National Weather Service is calling the heat "dangerous," as heat is on average the number one weather-related killer annually in the U.S. The elderly and those without access to air conditioning are especially vulnerable to heat-related illnesses.
At the same time as the Plains roasts under relentless, withering heat that is worsening drought in that region, the Mid-Atlantic and Northeast are also experiencing torrid heat as temperatures climb toward the century mark in Richmond and Washington, D.C., this weekend, with the heat extending northeastward to Boston.
The summer of 2022 is certain to fill the record books with more awful heat. (91 here yesterday.) Even worse: more awful heat metaphors.
CHEERS to making radio waves. Moving up five notches on Casey's Top 40 Countdown is an act that hails from a galaxy far, far away. Here's the breakout beach hit of the summer of 2022: "Hello Out There" by ET and the Neutron Stars…
Astronomers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have picked up repetitiveradio signals from a galaxy billions of light-years from Earth. Scientists have not been able to pinpoint the exact location of the radio waves yet, but suspect the source could be neutron stars, which are made from collapsed cores of giant stars. […]
“Shooby-doo-be-doo...”
"Not only was it very long, lasting about three seconds, but there were periodic peaks that were remarkably precise, emitting every fraction of a second—boom, boom, boom—like a heartbeat," said Daniele Michilli, a postdoctoral researcher in the Massachusetts Institute of Technology's Kavli Institute for Astrophysics and Space Research.
"This is the first time the signal itself is periodic."
It's catchy enough, I admit. But I dunno—I think they're tentacle synching.
CHEERS to comeuppance. 48 years ago today, on July 21, 1974, the House Judiciary Committee approved two articles of impeachment against Richard "Okay, I Guess I Am A Crook After All" Nixon. That same day, he was giving a speech at a private home in Bel Air, California. Let's see... He talked about the host's fine tent. He talked about the struggle between Greece and Turkey. He talked about his trip to Egypt. He talked about some former administration officials. And then he toasted his audience with a fine whine:
"You wonder sometimes, and I am often asked, you know, how do you really take the burden of the Presidency, particularly when at times it seems to be under very, very grievous assault.
Let me say, it isn't new for it to be under assault, because since the time we came into office for 5 years, we have had problems.
Buh bye.
There have been people marching around the White House when we were trying to bring the war to an end, and we have withstood that, and we will withstand the problems of the future."
He forgot to add four crucial words: "...for 19 more days."
CHEERS murder in broad daylight. To paraphrase a really stupid saying: the only way to stop a dumb guy with old data is a smart guy with current data. This week’s exhibit: a MAGA cultist congressman tried to roll over our illustrious Transportation Secretary on vehicle prices, and here’s how Rep. Scott Perry was the one who ended up flat as a pancake...
CHEERS to the new kid on the aircraft carrier. Big doings today at the Intrepid Sea, Air and Space Museum in New York City. The Space Shuttle Enterprise—the first of the shuttles and only used for test purposes—will officially take its place in the new "Space Shuttle Pavilion." Hard to believe that the craft was first assembled 36 years ago, back when Gerald Ford ruled the galaxy. By day the Enterprise will sit silent and stoic as visitors admire it with awe and wonder. By night it'll take part in poker games with the F-16, Sea Cobra and other aircraft on board the vessel, and occasionally do bong hits with the attack choppers on the poop deck. Oh, and of course it'll get free universal shuttlecare for the rest of its life. Lucky duck.
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And just one more…
And than strangle the little sucker until it flops over and turns blue.
CHEERS to happy pruning. Some people say exercise is the best thing to clear your head. Some say yoga, others say a wee toke of the wacky tobacky, while a handful find peace by short-sheeting the beds at nursing homes. I say it's actually spending a lazy hour or two in the garden pulling weeds. Here's how to do it in the most satisfying way: 1) Grab the base of the little bastard. 2) Give it a gentle yet persistent tug and wait for that satisfying "Rrrrrrip!" sound that lets you know you've eliminated the menace by the roots. 3) Hold it up and say, "You're gone, McCarthy. As for you, Jordan, Gohmert, Boebert, Gaetz and the rest...you're next." 4) Laugh maniacally. 5) Acknowledge the spontaneous applause coming from the neighbors' yards. 6) If you have more weeds than there are idiot House morons, move on to idiot senators, governors and Fox News hosts. Have fun!
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
The reality of contemporary living requires our attention and efforts be divided between demanding jobs, essential familial caregiving, replenishing social gatherings, and fulfilling political and community engagements—not to mention splashing in the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool.
Note: A quick heads-up that, in our quest to be utterly horrible, there will be no C&J on Monday. We’ll return on Tuesday demanding that you take back what you said about us being utterly horrible or else we’ll take another day off. It’s up to you, people. It’s all up to you. —Mgt. Team & $500/hr. Motivational Consultants
Number of consecutive months home sales have been down: 4
Chronological rank of Bears Ears becoming a national monument to be jointly managed by the U.S. government and Native American tribes, as announced Monday: #1
Number of federal wildland firefighters being given "a hefty raise" by President Biden: 16,000
Percent of this year's wildfires that were caused by human activity: 96%
Percent caused by errant laser fire from an Orpglorpian cruiser in a dogfight with a Hfffhrrrrian destroyer in the Andromeda Galaxy: 1%
Stanley Cup Final Update
Colorado leads Tampa Bay 3games to 1
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
I know we all like to figure out whom to blame when something awful happens, but it is not a particularly useful exercise. What we are trying to figure out is how to keep this from happening again.
Whether the teen killers in Colorado were driven berserk by being taught evolutionary theory or were just Bad Seed, I submit to you, as a simple and self-evident proposition, that they could not have injured and killed so many people if they had not had guns. If they had come into Columbine High School, pointed their index fingers at the kids they didn't like and said, "Bang, bang, you're dead!" not much would have happened as a consequence.
To address a tedious point, it is quite true that no law can assure that guns will not get into the hands of criminals and lunatics. But laws can make it much less likely that they will. The Brady law alone has kept tens of thousands of people with criminal or mental records from buying guns in just a few years.
CHEERS and JEERS to locking and loading. The Senate Judiciary Committee released the text of their gun-control bill, which they hope to fast-track even if the Trump cult throws a fit over it. How fast? This fast…
The vote to advance the bill was 64-35. Fourteen Republicans joined Democrats in support of the measure, and senators now expect its final passage later this week.
The bill includes funding to bolster mental health, enhanced background checks for people under 21, incentives for states to adopt “red flag” laws, and school security measures.
This time IS different. Organizing works. Really excited to see the Senate introduce the Bipartisan Safer Communities Act led by Senator Murphy. It's not enough, but it's lifesaving and it's just the start. Let's get the bill passed.
It would close the “boyfriend loophole,” a last-minute hang-up in the negotiations, by prohibiting romantic partners convicted of domestic violence who are not married to their victim from getting firearms. And it includes the first comprehensive federal criminal statute banning gun trafficking and straw purchasing.
This is historic. This is big. This leaves me slack-jawed, amazed, and astonished. The Senate actually let a bill go to the floor to be talked about and voted on? Looks like I picked the wrong day to sell my fainting couch on eBay.
CHEERS to Day 5. The House Jan. 6 Subcommittee hearings continue today, although a bit later than usual. The gavel will drop at 3pm ET, with today's action focusing on how Donald Trump personally tried to pressure the Justice Department to help steal the 2020 election. And since the hearings are proving to be both more damning and more watched than anyone expected, there might be a sequel or two on the horizon:
Rep. Bennie Thompson, chair of the Jan. 6 select committee, said Wednesday that significant new streams of evidence have necessitated a change to the panel’s hearing schedule, including the potential for additional hearings. […]
Thompson(D-Miss.) cited newly received footage from documentarian Alex Holder, who had access to Trump and his family before and after Jan. 6; new documents from the National Archives; and a flood of new tips received during the committee’s first four public hearings.
Although panel leaders have only teased the possibility of two public hearings beyond Thursday’s, Thompson said they may add one or more hearings, depending on the evidence it collects in the coming weeks.
Like I've been saying all along: we're gonna need a bigger tub of popcorn.
CHEERS to 1-900-CLARENCETHOMAS. Who's up for some SCOTUS hilarity? On this date in 1989, the Supreme Court refused to shut down the dial-a-porn industry, saying that indecent speech isn’t the same thing as obscenity, and is therefore protected. Interestingly, all the justices in the majority had one cauliflower ear. Coincidence, I'm sure.
P.S. Clarence Thomas turns 74 today. I hope he enjoyed the little, um, "present" we left on his Coke can this morning. We all chipped in, sir.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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It's Summer Solstice in the north! Earth's 23.4° axial tilt and position in orbit mean the northern hemisphere gets the most daylight hours under the most intense sunlight of the year. The south gets the least of both. Earth is now on the right of this animation below pic.twitter.com/oOKPX9jpVw
CHEERS to Things That Go Clackety-Clack for $200, Alex. On June 23, 1868, Christopher Latham Sholes received a patent for his "Type-writer," the first to have the famous QWERTY sequence on its upper keys. Today bloggers who can't think of anything for their subject line typically go south for the edgier and more mysterious "asdf." And the day someone decides to drop down to "zxcv"? Well, don’t tell anybody, but I believe that's the day the nukes leave the silos.
CHEERS to today's edition of Oh, So That's What Impeachment and Conviction Looks Like. Let's see…a sitting U.S. president trying to blackmail a foreign country to help him steal his re-election isn’t enough to get a conviction. The same sitting U.S. president orchestrating a deadly coup attempt to steal his re-election isn’t enough to get a conviction. Golly, Beav', what is worth impeachment and removal from office? Apparently something far, far less worse…
South Dakota Attorney General Jason Ravnsborg has been convicted in impeachment charges and removed from office over the aftermath following a fatal car crash in 2020 he was involved in. Ravnsborg,46, faced the state's first impeachment trial for his conduct surrounding the traffic accident, in which he struck and killed a pedestrian with his 2011 Ford Taurus.
But you can now just call him “the disgraced Mr. Ravsnbooger.”
Ravnsborg initially thought he hit a deer but discovered Boever's body when he returned to the scene the next day, he told authorities.
This has been today's edition of Oh, So That's What Impeachment and Conviction Looks Like.
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 23, 2012
JEERS to muzzling progress. And now, here to say a few words about the improving Florida economy is Governor Rick Scott:
Late Night Snark: Will This Time Be Different? Edition
“’Responsible’ gun owners, now would be a great time for you to stand up and change something about the depraved political choices you made that got us here.”
—Samantha Bee
“Gonna take Texas a while to get around to gun laws. They’re still legislating dildos.”
—Roy Wood Jr., The Daily Show
"Congress could pass HR-8, a bill that was passed by the House over a year ago which would close loopholes in the background checks law. It's being held up by Senate Republicans, possibly because background checks are only supported by 90 percent of voters. Ninety percent! The only thing more popular than background checks is Dolly Parton riding a giant corgi bringing you ice cream."
—Stephen Colbert
Continued...
You are now below the fold. It’s just like above the fold only lower.
"Maddeningly, there are those who say they support gun-control measures, but aren’t willing to use their power to get those measures passed. Like West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin, who said he would do “anything I can” to move common-sense gun legislation forward, but still refused to eliminate the filibuster. Then you're not willing to do anything you can! It's like if you told your spouse you're willing to do anything to clean the dishes except get up from the couch."
—Seth Meyers
A senate hopeful in Georgia spouted gibberish when asked about solving gun violence, saying “what about getting a department that can look at young men that’s looking at women that’s looking at social media.” Get ready for: pic.twitter.com/y5dAIgItYw
"It has been a busy week. Finland and Sweden applied to join NATO, George W. Bush basically admitted to war crimes by accident, and monkeypox cases were reported in multiple countries, to which we all collectively said: NOT…NOW."
—John Oliver
It’s called “monkeypox” because every 8th disease is named by a medieval barber.
—Conan O’Brien via twitter
"Representative Liz Cheney attacked the House GOP leadership, saying they've enabled white supremacy and anti-Semitism. The leadership rejected Cheney's attacks, calling them 'cheaper than a Black rabbi.'"
—Colin Jost, SNL
"Nike is reportedly leaving Russia permanently. Nike is basically the same in Russia except the slogan is: Do It…or Else."
—Jimmy Fallon
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 27, 2022
Note: We wish you a safe and hammock-filled holiday weekend. C&J will return on Tuesday, May 31, probably with an errant lawn dart or two stuck in our foot, thigh, chest, head or buttock region. God bless our time-honored traditions. —Mgt.
Number of Americans who have served their country in wartime: 46 million
Year in which Congress officially declared Waterloo, New York as the birthplace of the Memorial Day holiday: 1966
Rank of Orlando, Florida among top Memorial Day weekend travel destinations: #1
Rank of San Francisco, Minneapolis, and New York City on Lawnstarter's survey of Best Biking Cities in America, based on criteria like "access to bike lanes and bike rentals, the share of bike commuters, the presence of cycling clubs, and the number of bike races and tours": #1, #2, #3
Age of Google Street View as of this year: 15
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Iconic image taken at the War Dog Memorial and Cemetery in Guam…
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CHEERS and JEERS to the week in review. Just a quick moment to take lightning-round inventory of our universe as we prepare to pause for an extended holiday weekend of picnics, memorials, delayed flights, and lots of unexplained rashes:
» Russia continues turning to uninhabitable apocalyptic dust those areas of eastern Ukraine that they want to make part of glorious Russian empire.
» Congress's slumber went undisturbed.
Also, as is obvious, the Earth remains a flat disc.
» Republicans continued their love affair with mail-in voting during primary season.
» Every Republican-inspired mass-murder prevention measure, up to and including funding the police, failed to prevent a mass murder in Texas.
» New details show President Trump approved of the hanging of his own vice president on January 6th. No one cares.
» Emergency pallets of baby formula started arriving in the U.S. from Germany because America is an exceptional nation that is #1 at everything.
» Daily Kos turned 20 and marked the occasion with several hours of botox injections.
» Gas prices are so high that people are driving less. "Gee, that's too bad," said Planet Earth and just a hunch but I think it was being sarcastic.
» A ruthless and scary space alien trapped the Enterprise in a tractor beam and threatened to blow it up unless its demands were met, but it turns out it was just baby Clint Howard who was easily fooled by Captain Kirk's fake "Corbomite Maneuver."
Oh, and NOAA released its forecast for the 2022 hurricane season. Consensus: the gays, feminists, and pagans are angry this year. Can’t say I blame ‘em.
CHEERS to multitasking. As our endorphins go wild over the prospect that our first warm-weather holiday weekend (and the unofficial start of summer) is upon us, the Newburyport (Mass.) Daily Newsoffer up a few words for the occasion:
Memorial Day is the day set aside to honor servicemen and women who died while serving the nation. Earlier known as Decoration Day, the tradition of honoring the graves of dead military veterans dates to 1868, after the many losses of the Civil War. From 1868 to 1970, each May 30, visitors to graves left flowers and flags. In 1971, following earlier legislation, Memorial Day became a federal holiday, and the date was set to coincide with the last Monday in May. And with the federal holiday designation, the day would be observed across the country.
It is OK to mark Memorial Day with a cook out or if so inclined, to spend the day at a shopping plaza. So long as the real reason for the day is remembered—to honor those who died in the line of service.
And, as always, we pause to reflect on Dwight Eisenhower's famous words: "I hate war as only a soldier who has lived it can, only as one who has seen its brutality, its futility, its stupidity." Me, too. Minus the living it part, but I'll take his word for it.
CHEERS to the other star-spangled banner. On May 29, 1916, the official flag of the President of the United States was adopted by executive order. This is interesting, via historian David McCullough:
One morning, standing at his desk, [President Truman] presented to the press a new presidential flag … “This new flag faces the eagle toward the staff,” Truman explained, “which is looking to the front all the time when you are on the march, and also has him looking at the olive branch for peace, instead of the arrows for war …”
To me it looks like the eagle flew into a window.
Both the flag and presidential seal had been redesigned for the first time since the Wilson years, and Truman meant the shift in the eagle’s gaze to be seen as symbolic of a nation both on the march and dedicated to peace.
CHEERS to the end of an era. Did you know that Sunday is also technically a holiday? Yup…it's "End of the Middle Ages Day." To mark the occasion, despondent Republicans will lower their flag pins to half-lapel.
CHEERS to the end of the end. It was all over for Tricky Dick 48 years ago today, thanks to a 27-11 vote by the House Judiciary Committee to adopt the first of three articles of impeachment against President Nixon who, said ABC News's Tom Jarrell at the time, was "presumably still in his swim trunks" while on vacation in California when he heard the news. Meanwhile, then-VP Gerald Ford just couldn’t help but play a little game of up-is-downism:
Ford: It's interesting that every Democrat on the committee—north and south—voted for the article. ... It tends to make it a partisan issue.
Oh knock it off and get the f*ck outta here, crook.
Reporter: Even if one-third of Republicans voted for it?
Ford: Well, the fact that every one of the Democrats voted for it, I think, uh, lends credence that it's a partisan issue, even though some Republicans have deviated.
...said the Republican who later unilaterally exonerated the Republican crook. But, hey, what's a little hypocrisy among friends?
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here's some of the haps on TV this weekend, starting tonight with a pre-Memorial Day MSNBC reality check by the prime time hosts, or you can catch Handmaid’s Tale author Margaret Atwood reacting to the pending SCOTUS repeal of Roe v. Wade on PBS’s Firing Line at 8:30.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: the devastation on the human body caused by assault-style gun bullets, and new discoveries of Caligula’s gardens. The National Memorial Day Concert airs Sunday at 8 on PBS. And beyond that you should just go outside and tiptoe through the tulips.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Oh god—a “special edition” on guns. I’m sure Chuck Todd will solve all the problems. Well, unless he’s out of time and he has to leave it there.
Chris Murphy, one of the most at-the-end-of-his-rope senators on gun violence, makes the rounds Sunday.
This Week: Sen. Chris Murphy (D-CT); Jan. 6 committee member Rep. Adam Kinzinger (R-IL).
Face the Nation: Chris Murphy; Gov. Asa Hutchinson (The Cult-AR); Uvalde County Commissioner Ronnie Garza; Rep. Val Demings (D-FL); CEO of Sandy Hook Promise Foundation Nicole Hockley; Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooting survivor and co-founder of March for Our Lives Jaclyn Corin.
CNN's State of the Union: Rep. Dan Crenshaw (The Cult-TX); Texas Senator Ronald Gutierrez (D); Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Rep. Mo Brooks (Traitor-AL); Sen. Ben Cardin (D-MD).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 27, 2012
CHEERS to dissension in the ranks. There's another war brewing in the Republican party today. I'm speaking of course, about the battle of the blue bloods:
"What voter is going to vote for [Romney] because he’s seen with Donald Trump? The cost of appearing with this bloviating ignoramus is obvious, it seems to me. Donald Trump is redundant evidence that if your net worth is high enough, your IQ can be very low and you can still intrude into American politics.”
—George Will on This Week May 27
"George Will may be the dumbest and most overrated political commentator of all time. If the Republicans listen to him, they will lose."
—Donald Trump on Twitter May 27
We hear that they plan to settle their feud the old-fashioned way: Mont Blanc pens at dawn. [5/27/22 Update: In the end, Trump and his red-hatted orcs defeated Will and his bow-tied intellectuals. With a Sharpee. Go figure.]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to hurtling through space together. On Monday my partner Michael (aka "Common Sense Mainer" here at DK) and I will be memorializing something else in addition to Memorial Day. Namely, another trip around the sun together. Number 29.
We met in Saginaw, Michigan on May 30, 1993 at a bar called Bambi’s during Bill Clinton's fifth month in office as our 42nd president. And here we are now, with #46 Joe Biden at the helm and a lot of water under the bridge. We're noticeably grayer and creakier—COPD knocked on his door, cancer knocked on mine. But we're still reasonable approximations of our younger selves if you squint hard enough, and so far we've resisted the temptation to shoo any kids off our lawn.
Michael and me waiting for a booth at Olive Garden on our first date.
Longevity seems to boil down to a few essentials: love, shared responsibility, and accepting the fact that neither of us hears half of what the other one says. But that's okay—we're quite smooth at the art of "yupping," and we fill in the blanks by texting each other from our respective ends of the couch.
In a tradition I started a few years back, here's the annual posting of a smug snippet from "The new apostle of sanity in sex," David Reuben, M.D. Fifty-two years ago, in 1969, his mega-seller Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask—a copy of which I once found in my grandparents' attic—was published and treated as gospel (in fairness, he later took a chill pill and lightened up on us):
What about all the homosexuals who live together happily for years?
What about them? They are mighty rare birds among the homosexual flock. Moreover, the "happy" part remains to be seen. The bitterest argument between husband and wife is a passionate love sonnet by comparison with a dialogue between a butch and his queen. Live together? Yes. Happily? Hardly.
For the record, in our household the proper pecking order endures: the cat's the queen, the dog's the butch, and Michael and I are their humble servants. Scandalous, I know.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
“Congratulations to Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson, who didn't need to tell us what the definition of a woman is, but instead showed us: by breaking down barriers and achieving your goals, all while having to pretend Ted Cruz doesn't exist.”
—Samantha Bee
"Big news from the United Nations. This afternoon the U.N. General Assembly voted to suspend Russia's membership in the Human Rights Council. Okay, that sounds right. You know what sounds wrong? Russia was on the Human Rights Council."
—Stephen Colbert
Continued...
You are now below the fold, where the mushrooms are all fluent in 16 languages.
"Former President Barack Obama today visited the White House, and out of habit Jeanine Pirro called for his impeachment."
—Seth Meyers
"That's really got to bother Trump. All the lies and schemes and lawsuits to get back to the White House, and Obama just strolls right in there."
—Jimmy Kimmel
Ukrainians are leaving notes behind for Russians who are coming into their homes to loot. They say the same thing as Russia's most popular board game. pic.twitter.com/OtwBLdmR5p
"Republican congressman Madison Cawthorn said in a recent interview that 70-year-old Republicans invited him to an orgy and did cocaine in front of him. Wait…so you went to the old-man orgy? And you thought the weird part was drugs?"
—Colin Jost, SNL
“This guy’s head is stuffed with more crap than his pillows. And by the way, I was told not to say this, but I will: his stuff is crap. I mean, it’s absolute crap. You only find that kind of stuff in the Trump Hotel.”
—New Hampshire Gov. Chris Sununu on MyPillow grifter Mike Lindell, at the Gridiron Dinner
"Republicans in Ohio are busy with the important business of trying to pass their own version of that 'don’t say gay' Florida law. This is the controversial bill that prevents schools from teaching students about LGBTQ and gender-related issues. Imagine stealing your horrible ideas from Florida, a state that leads the world in murders on pontoon boats."
—Jimmy Kimmel
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 8, 2022
Note: Due to a clerical error, the United States now belongs to the government of Denmark. We regret the inconvenience, but at least now we’ll get some decent shit done. —Mgt.
Minimum number of witnesses who have testified before the House Jan. 6 special committee:800
Percent of men and women, respectively, ages 50-79 and surveyed by AARP who say their mental health is very good or excellent:70%, 54%
Increase in marijuana potency between 1975 and 2017, according to JAMA:24%
Estimated number of chocolate Easter bunnies that will be sold this year, thanks to President Biden making a dent in our supply chain issues because he loves his country and wants what's best for us and our children, unlike the Republicans who are all pedophile enablers:92 million
CHEERS to April 7. On that auspicious day in the Year of Our Flying Spaghetti Monster 2022, history was carved into America's soul the way the Ten Commandments (or, as the GOP calls them, "suggestions") were carved into solid rock by furious lightning, the Republic's beating heart once again rejuvenated by the defibrillator paddles of progress, Liberty's beacon shining like a giant, throbbing energy-efficient-yet-still-aesthetically-pleasing floodlight of freedom, a rebellion against the status quo having successfully raged into a bonfire that BURNED THE BRUSH OF TYRANNY TO ASHES FROM WHICH THE GREEN SPROUTS OF JUDICIAL DESTINY NOW SPROING!!!!!! [Ahem.] Judge Jackson's in.
Nice to have a justice who, unlike the last three confirmed, doesn’t look like Satan when she smiles.
I predict her first words to Sonia Sotomayor and Elena Kagan will be: "Sam Alito: big jerk...or biggest jerk ever?" (The answer will not shock you.)
JEERS to ominous signs. Speaking of justice, what the ever-loving eff yoo see kay is going on over in the mancave of the attorney general—or should we start calling Him Stonewall Garland?
House Oversight Committee Chair Carolyn Maloney, D-N.Y., is alleging that the Department of Justice is "obstructing" the panel's investigation into former President Donald Trump by blocking the National Archives from handing over relevant documents.
Maybe he’s just working on something big. Really big!
In a letter to Attorney General Merrick Garland Thursday, Maloney said the DOJ is "preventing" the National Archives from cooperating with the committee's request for documents and information, “including an inventory of 15 boxes of documents recovered from the former president’s Mar-a-Lago residence.”
[…]
She asked Garland to confirm by April 14 whether the DOJ will tell the Archives that it may fully cooperate, including by giving Congress the inventory of the documents recovered from Mar-a-Lago.
If Garland delivers his response while wearing a shiny new red baseball cap, we may need to have a little talk with the president about delivering us a new attorney general.
CHEERS to a fine FLOTUS. Happy Birthday to the late Betty Ford on what would be her 104th birthday. She gained fame in an era that many Americans can vaguely remember—namely, a time when the GOP had a smattering of class. But even then, she was a persistent thorn in her party's side:
Throughout her husband's term in office, she maintained high approval ratings, though some on the far-right of her own Republican Party strongly opposed her on more liberal social issues.
Happy Birthday, Betty. Regards to Gerald.
Betty Ford was noted for raising breast cancer awareness with her 1974 mastectomy and was a passionate supporter for the Equal Rights Amendment.
Pro-choice on abortion and a leader in the Women's Movement, she gained fame as one of the most candid first ladies in history, commenting on every hot button issue of the time from sex to drugs.
Her most enduring legacy, of course, is the Betty Ford Center. Sadly, the center doesn't have a wing for candy corn addicts like me. But I'm happy to say my self-administered Charms Blow Pop replacement therapy seems to be holding. One day at a time.
— Mack & Becky Comedy (@MackBeckyComedy) April 2, 2022
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to a civil end to a most uncivil war. Big anniversary tomorrow—in fact, it oughtta be a federal holiday. On April 9, 1865, following his final late-night cocaine orgy, Robert E. Lee called it quits and surrendered to Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox Court House in Virginia, effectively ending the southern traitors’ War for the Preservation of Owning Humans for Forced Labor.
Give the racist a purple nurple, Ulysses.
Several years ago a demographic historian concluded that the death toll of the war was much higher than originally thought—750,000 versus the original 620,000. Sadly, another number has also been extended far beyond its original estimate: the number of years it's taking too many white people in the South to admit they lost and put away that damn confederate battle flag. As Congressman James Clyburn (D-SC) reminded them a few years back, even slave owner and avowed racist treason-monger Lee had at least enough self-awareness to concern himself with post-war optics:
"When Robert E. Lee surrendered he asked all of his followers to furl this flag. Stow it away, he said. Put it in your attics," Clyburn continued. "He refused to be buried in his Confederate uniform. His family refused to allow anyone dressed in the confederate uniform to attend his funeral. "Why? Because Robert E. Lee said he considered this emblem to be a symbol of treason.”
He also didn’t want any statues of him put up, a request that fell on deaf ears as groups like the Daughters of the Confederacy erected hundreds of them (of Lee and other CSA icons, including a fresh batch in the 1960s to remind the civil rights movement to remember “their place”) as a way of living in denial of their treason. I’ll give the ‘em credit for one thing: they sure picked the right theme song. "Look away, DixieLand." Mission accomplished.
CHEERS to home vegetation. The elephant in the room on TV this weekend is the 52nd annual pre-Easter airing of Cecil B. DeMille's bladder buster The Fifteen Ten Commandments tomorrow night—for FIVE freaking hours—on ABC, featuring the mom from The Munsters as Moses' wife and music by the guy who also scored Airplane! and Ghostbusters. (Spoiler Alert: Ramses fails to defeat Moses when his chariot army gets stopped by an Evergreen container ship stuck in the Suez Canal.) Remember: if you get up from your couch to pee at any time between 7pm and midnight, you’re going straight to Hell.
Moses gets busy (again) tomorrow night.
Meanwhile the most popular movies and home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and hooray we can add the Major League Baseball schedule back again. Also this weekend we have The Masters (tomorrow and Sunday afternoon on CBS), during which PGA golfers will compete to see who can commit the most egregious fashion violation in pursuits of the coveted “Puke Green Jacket.”
Tomorrow night Jake Gyllenhaal hosts SNL.
Sunday evening, Scott Pelley interviews badass Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy from Kyiv on 60 Minutes. Lisa meets the son of musician Bleeding Gums Murphy on The Simpsons. And John Oliver wraps up the weekend with another edition of Last Week Tonight at 11 on HBO.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup. Please hold your applause until forever:
Meet the Press: National Security Adviser Jake Sullivan; Ukrainian Foreign Minister Dmytro Kuleba; economic weird guy Larry Summers.
Face the Nation: National Security Adviser Jake Sullivan; Ukrainian Ambassador to the U.S. Oksana Markarova; former DHS Secretary Jeh Johnson; Cleveland Fed president Lorretta Mester.
The ghost of Henry Clay will show up to talk about the exciting prospects for the Whigs in the midterms.
CNN's State of the Union: Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau; Jan. 6 committee co-chair Liz Cheney (R-WY); Global Citizen CEO Hugh Evans; European Union President Ursela von der Leyen.
This Week: TBA
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Senator Mitch “I have no red lines when it comes to ethics or morals and you can quote me on that” McConnell (The Cult-KY).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 8, 2012
JEERS to Caterpillargate. Hey, ladies, you might be interested to know that, in addition to sluts, prostitutes and freeloaders, Republicans now think you'relike squirmy insects:
“If the Democrats said we had a war on caterpillars, and every mainstream media outlet talked about the fact that Republicans have a war on caterpillars, then we have problems with caterpillars,” [Republican National Committee Chairman Reince] Priebus said. “The fact of the matter is it’s a fiction."
And to support his contention that there is no war on women, Priebus's home state governor, Scott Walker, repealed a law making women’s paycheck equal to men’s. Even the caterpillars did a facepalm. (Which is really tough for them to do because, y'know...no palms.)
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Kodak moments. If Donald Trump’s presidential photographer—who he recently stiffed because that’s his prime directive on Planet Earth—had ever gotten a shot like this, it would be framed and hanging on every Republican's living room wall as a totally-real example of their divine awesomeness. Instead, a different president's photographer (the great Pete Souza) snapped it six years ago this week, and Republicans lost their collective shit. In the hopes that it might make them chew through a few more inches of sheet metal in their survival bunkers, here’s a replay for nostalgia’s sake:
And, by contrast, here’s Obama’s one-term successor:
Mother Nature. Definitely a Democrat.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
"After a visit to a small business in D.C., President Biden stopped in to a local ice cream shop to get himself a treat. What kind of ice cream, you're wondering? Intrepid reporters report that it was two scoops, light-colored flavor on the bottom, darker ice cream on top. Or as Mitch McConnell would describe it: dark ice cream and ice cream."
—Stephen Colbert
"Musician Kid Rock released a song this week that criticizes coronavirus restrictions. Oh, buddy, that's not why people are staying six feet away from you."
—Seth Meyers
Continued…
You are now below the fold. You fool. We warned you.
"Senate Republicans lined up to shake Kyrsten Sinema's hand after she voted against changing the filibuster to pass voting rights. Ah, the U.S. Senate: keeping Black folks down with a quiet handshake since 1787."
—Michael Che, SNL
"The House [Jan. 6] select committee received a load of documents that the former president sued to try to prevent them from seeing. One of those documents is a draft of a very damning executive order that would've directed the National Guard to seize voting machines after the election. It was a last-ditch effort to keep Trump in power—a Sieg Heil Mary pass, if you will."
—Jimmy Kimmel
“This week, Justice Stephen Breyer announced his plans to retire from the Supreme Court. Meanwhile, Mitch McConnell announced a new rule that you actually can't replace a Supreme Court judge the same year they replace M&Ms characters.”
—Samantha Bee
It’s a slippery slope from woke M&M’s to Same-Skittle marriage.
"President Joe Biden was caught on a hot mic calling Fox News reporter Peter Doocy a 'stupid son of a bitch' when pressed about inflation at a White House event. To be fair, being a 'stupid son' is basically how Peter Doocy got his job."
—Trevor Noah
"Kyle Rittenhouse is petitioning the court for the return of his rifle so he can destroy it. I dunno—trying to get your own memorabilia back is how they finally got O.J."
—Colin Jost, SNL
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 28, 2022
Note: Big blizzard hitting New England tomorrow. If you’re in the strike zone of the latest “bomb cyclone,” please follow the proper safety protocol: make sure your neighborhood squirrels have plenty of almonds, blankets and propane heaters first, then stock up on your own emergency needs second. The almonds are really especially important, so do those first, like right now, it’s that important. Thank you.
—The definitely human emergency manager and not a bunch of squirrels standing on top of each other under a raincoat trying to look like a human emergency manager
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By the Numbers:
3 days!!!
Days 'til Groundhog Day: 5
Days 'til National Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day: 3
Estimated level of child poverty in January, up from 12% because the child tax credit wasn't extended by Congress: 17%
Expected percent among Black and Latino children: 25%
Increase in cigarette sales in 2020, the first increase since 2000: 0.4%
Estimated number if households that acquired a dog or cat during the pandemic: 23 million
CHEERS to clamping the vise of justice on the noggins of tyranny. Here's a quick roundup of where things stand with the various bad people who lately can't sleep at night without breaking out into at least one cold sweat:
» More insurrectionists are getting arrested, charged and sentenced, thanks in no small measure to the patriotic nerds doing facial recognition sleuthing and turning their leads over to the feds.
» Congressman Matt Gaetz, an alleged sex trafficker of minors, isn’t acting quite so smug today after a BFF of his copped a plea and is now spilling his beans to investigators.
» Rudy Giuliani was identified as the principle architect of the plot to swap out the real 2020 electors from seven swing states with a slate of fake ones. The fake electors who went along with him are now being investigated by the Justice Department.
» The Thing from Perv-A-Lago and his spawn are up to their necks in grand juries, DA subpoenas in multiple states investigating real estate fraud and election fraud, and the giant flaming eyeball of the House January 6 committee. Their pleas to stop the proceedings and let them get away with their crimey stuff are falling on deaf ears.
» 12-year-old Congressman Madison Cawthorn, who never met a democratic institution or minor personal inconvenience he didn’t compare to the Holocaust, may be disqualified from running for reelection if his accusers can make their case that he helped incite the January 6 insurrection. Which he did.
» And seven school districts in Virginia are suing their new cultist governor for turning schools into institutions of human sacrifice by nullifying their sensible Covid protection rules.
As we well know by now, the judicial system moves at a crawl…right up until the moment it doesn't. (Even on weekends.) So keep your ears to the pavement. And if you see Merrick Garland tearing through the streets in his giant modified snowplow of justice, give him a wide berth.
CHEERS to the Biden recovery. Because it was so positive, it was of course like playing a game of Where's Waldo? to find the news that our economy was the envy of the civilized world in 2021, with gross domestic product climbing to 5.7 percent overall and an eye-popping 7 percent in the fourth quarter as Democrats fixed supply chain issues and Americans enjoyed a happier holiday than the previous year:
“It just goes to show that the U.S. economy has learned to adapt to the new variants and continues to produce,'' said Beth Ann Bovino, chief economist at Standard &Poor's Global Ratings. […]
Damn, Republican presidents suck at getting it up and keeping it up.
For the final three months of 2021, consumer spending rose at a more muted 3.3% annual pace. But private investment rocketed 32% higher, boosted by a surge in business inventories as companies stocked up to meet higher customer demand. Rising inventories, in fact, accounted for 71% of the fourth-quarter growth.
In a statement, President Joe Biden said, “We are finally building an American economy for the 21st century, with the fastest economic growth in nearly four decades, along with the greatest year of job growth in American history."
JEERS to premature descents. On January 28, 1986—good lord, 36 years ago—the Space Shuttle Challenger exploded 73 seconds after liftoff, killing all seven crew members, including civilian teacher Christa McAuliffe. I'm guessing that if you were more than toddler-age, you remember exactly where you were when you heard about it. I was in the Otterbein College (Westerville, Ohio) campus center at 11:38am, and can still conjure up the queasy feeling that set in when I realized what had happened. A stunned crowd of students and faculty gathered around the big-screen TV and just...watched. Lest we forget these were the heroes on board that day:
Teacher-in-Space Christa McAuliffe and astronauts Gregory Jarvis, Judith Resnik, Mission Commander Dick Scobee, astronaut Ronald McNair, pilot Mike Smith, and astronaut Ellison Onizuka.
Today folks from the Challenger Center and elsewhere, along with family members of the crew, commemorated the tragedy, starkly reminding the world that it takes off-the-charts courage, brains and skill to put yourself through the rigors of space flight. Which pretty much explains why I blog for a living.
CHEERS to, like, freeing your mind, man. Tomorrow is Freethinkers Day, which celebrates those who believe that truth should be formed on the basis of logic, reason, and empiricism, rather than authority, tradition, or religion. Noted freethinkers include Thomas Paine, Albert Einstein, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, and anyone who has ever shouted, “The Fox News, it burns!”
CHEERS to the first ringy-dingy. On January 28, 1878, the commercial telephone switchboard made its national debut in New Haven, Connecticut. The first customers were Amanda Hugginkiss, I.P. Freely and Seymour Butz. We hear the first operator lasted a whole five minutes.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Since our nation is still in the capable hands of Democrats again, we can relax and spend some couch time with the teevee this weekend, starting tonight with Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow telling us why we shouldn’t be spending our weekend relaxing on the couch. (Spoiler alert: Because our republic is being destroyed by pro-Russian morons.)
Willem finally adds “SNL Host” to his meager resume tomorrow night.
Or you can catch a new Penn & Teller: Fool Us starting at 8 on the CW. Bill Maher's guests tonight (just for the record, not because we watch him anymore) on Real Time are ACLU executive director Ira Glasser, Matt Welch of Reason, and star of Trump's first impeachment hearing Fiona Hill. Director Kenneth Branagh talks about his acclaimed movie Belfast on The Graham Norton Show at 11 on BBC America.
The new movies and home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The season premiere of The Great Chocolate Showdown, during which contestants “take on the art of tempering chocolate,” airs tomorrow night at 8 on The CW. Willem Dafoe makes his Saturday Night Live hosting debut tomorrow night, with Katy Perry on backing vocals. The NBA schedule is here and the NHL schedule is here. Meanwhile the Superb Owl competitors will be determined Sunday when the Bengals face the Chiefs for the AFC title (3pm, CBS) and the 49ers take on the Rams for the NFC Championship (6:30, Fox, so no Simpsons or Family Guy this week). As always, I'm putting all my money on whichever team Secretariat is on. And on 60 Minutes: reports on great white sharks and Yellowstone Park’s wolves.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Face the Nation: TBA
We recommend you watch this on Sunday instead.
This Week: Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL); Sen. Susan Collins (Cult-ME); former HHS Secretary Donna Shalala.
Meet the Press: Sens. Dick Durbin (D-IL) and Rob Portman (Cult-OH); Governor Phil Murphy (D-NJ); Gov. Asa Hutchinson (Cult-AR).
CNN's State of the Union: Sen. Bob Menendez (D-NJ); Sen. James Risch (Cult-ID); Governor Chris Sununu (Cult-NH).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sen. Tom Cotton (Cult-AR).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 28, 2012
CHEERS to today's boring correction. According to Washington Post columnist Dana Milbank, President Obama's State of the Union address was "an uninspiring speech delivered with a dismal result." Oh Noes!!! A DISMAL result!!! But the public begs to differ: "91 percent of those who watched the speech approved of the proposals Mr. Obama put forth during his remarks." We're sure Mr. Milbank forgives the American people for interfering with his beltway narrative.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to "32." Make sure you take a moment Sunday to say Happy Birthday (or, to use his dialect, "Happy buhthday") to Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who turns 140. He was far from perfect, as all presidents have been: turning away Jews fleeing Nazi Germany, the internment camps, the womanizing. But he was a force of nature who didn’t let polio stop him as he charged headlong into fighting the depression and wars on multiple fronts in Europe and Asia, while passing reforms that made life better for ordinary Americans. Says William Ridings and Stuart McIver in their book Rating the Presidents (where FDR sits at #2, just below Lincoln):
Roosevelt is praised most often for his role in preserving the American capitalist system at a time when many countries were opting for fascism.
Given the dire crises he was forced to confront, perhaps the highest praise from the poll is "the right man in the right place at the right time." [...]
Others praise him for stopping Hitler—and shudder to think what might have been if a less-effective president had been at the helm in those dangerous days.
The lunatics on the right try mightily to rewrite history by insisting that the New Deal was a failure. Never mind that laws enacted in the 1930s—chipped away at though they were—helped prevent our 2008 and 2020 Great Recessions from turning into all-out depressions. Pay your respects here. And never let anyone forget the difference between the parties, as defined by Roosevelt himself: Democrats say we have nothing to fear but fear itself, Republicans say we have nothing to fear but everything but fear itself.
P.S. It's also Dick Cheney's birthday Sunday. He turns 666. Again.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
One year ago today, the 45th president—a Republican—made history by becoming the first to be impeached twice. The first time for trying to extort favors from Ukraine—via his “perfect phone call”—to help him win the 2020 election, and the second for inciting a bloody insurrection when all the “traitor to democracy’s” election rigging failed:
President Trump gravely endangered the security of the United States and its institutions of Government. He threatened the integrity of the democratic system, interfered with the peaceful transition of power, and imperiled a coequal branch of Government. He thereby betrayed his trust as President, to the manifest injury of the people of the United States.
Continued...
Wherefore, Donald John Trump, by such conduct, has demonstrated that he will remain a threat to national security, democracy, and the Constitution if allowed to remain in office, and has acted in a manner grossly incompatible with self-governance and the rule of law. Donald John Trump thus warrants impeachment and trial, removal from office, and disqualification to hold and enjoy any office of honor, trust, or profit under the United States.
To get you up to speed one year later: the Republican-led Senate failed to convict him, a January 6 House Select Committee chaired by Bennie Thompson and Liz Cheney was formed, over 340 witnesses have been interviewed, and major criminal investigations of The Thing From Mar-A-Lago are also underway in New York and Georgia. To be continued. Hopefully faster.
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, January 13, 2022
Note: Today is National Rubber Ducky Day. C&J's mascot Kevin the Socialist Duckstick will be in the kiddie pool today, so be sure to say squeak.
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By the Numbers:
One month from celebrating the “Big Two One Four.”
Days 'til Abraham Lincoln turns 214: 30
Portion of Americans now totally vaccinated: 2/3
Number of lives saved by vaccines during the first six months of 2021, according to NBC News: 241,000
Percent chance that a judge has ruled that Gruyere cheese does not have to come from the Gruyere region of Europe to be sold under the Gruyere name: 100%
Age of Oreos as of 2022: 110
Rank of Mary, Dorothy, and Helen among the top baby girl names in 1922: #1, #2, #3
Rank of John, Robert, and William among the top baby boy names in 1922: #1, #2, #3
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Contrary to the paranoid fantasists on The Wall Street Journal's editorial page, populists are not motivated by some burning resentment of the rich—we don't spend our lives in an envious funk that someone else is better off than we are.
"No skin off my nose" is the general attitude, with others coming in at "Lucky them" or "Good for them." The problem is that the rich are screwing up our democracy. Less than 0.1 percent of the U.S. population gave 83 percent of all itemized campaign contributions for the 2002 elections, according to the Center for Responsive Politics. According to the Houston Chronicle, just 48 wealthy Texas families provided more than half the campaign funds for the major Republican state candidates this fall.
How dumb do you have to be not to be able to connect the dots here? Law, policy and regulation are consistently shaped to favor the rich over the rest of us, and that, dammit, is not fair, it is not right, it is not the country we want and for which we are asked to sacrifice.
CHEERS to gravity. What goes up must come down. And thankfully Omicron's 15 weeks of fame might be coming to an end:
America's tally of new cases ticked down slightly for the first time since Christmas, a USA TODAY analysis of Johns Hopkins University data shows. […]
Hands up, Omicron. Yer goin’ straight to the pokey.
Boston has been a hot spot, but Dr. Mark Siedner of Massachusetts General Hospital told CBS in Boston there are early signs the city has "turned a corner." One of those signs is a wastewater tracking system—virus particles found in wastewater are no longer infectious but can still be measured and can reflect trends among people contributing to the wastewater.
“The wastewater data are in, and the news is good," tweeted Bill Hanage, associate professor at Harvard T. H. Chan School of Public Health. The data is "providing solid evidence, that importantly can't be put down to exhausted testing capacity or other factors."
"Solid evidence." Huhhhuhhuh. Professor made a poop joke.
JEERS to gravity defiance. And sometimes what goes up just doesn't feel like coming back down. Exhibit A:
Consumer prices rose by 7 percent in December over the previous year, its fastest increase since the early 1980s, as companies raised prices to offset pandemic-driven supply chain issues—and also took the opportunity to increase profit margins on the back of brisk consumer spending.
Well, little fella, that’s one way to stop inflation.
The latest Consumer Price Index data, released Wednesday by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, marks the third consecutive month in which the index, a measure of what consumers pay for goods and services, rose by more than 6 percent.
According to the reports, inflation grew fastest in three sectors: housing, vehicles, and Marjorie Taylor-Greene's ego.
CHEERS to one of the good guys. On this date 44 years ago, Minnesota Senator Hubert Humphrey of Minnesota—aka Mayor of Minneapolis, LBJ's vice president, 1968 presidential candidate (great platform except for supporting the Vietnam War) and fierce advocate in the war on poverty—died much too young at 66. He was wise:
"Compassion is not weakness, and concern for the unfortunate is not socialism."
Humphrey in his prime.
"Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law."
“We seek an America able to preserve and nurture all the basic rights of free expression, yet able to reach across the divisions that too often separate race from race, region from region, young from old, worker from scholar, rich from poor. We seek an America able to do this in the higher knowledge that our goals and ideals are worthy of conciliation and personal sacrifice.”
"Liberalism, above all, means emancipation—emancipation from one's fears, his inadequacies, from prejudice, from discrimination, from poverty."
And a special shout-out from Humphrey to the QAnon cult: "The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously." Amen.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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Mount Kilimanjaro, the highest mountain in Africa, seen from the International Space Station. Credit: NASA Johnson pic.twitter.com/WgMJPSkBl5
JEERS to the fate of the republic. President Biden, who remains unable to do much to prevent Republicans from committing widespread voter suppression and election nullification, gave a speech in Atlanta this week calling on Senate Democrats to carve out an exception to the filibuster rule and pass robust voting rights legislation. The two holdouts remain Senator Kyrsten Sinema of Arizona and Joe Manchin of West Virginia. For her part, Sinema appears ready to play ball:
And for his part, as of this morning Joe Manchin says he's ready to throw his party a life ring. Just as soon as the cement hardens.
CHEERS to discus lite. Wham-O began producing the "Frisbee" 65 years ago today. Ever wonder where the name comes from?
The Frisbie Baking Company (1871-1958) of Bridgeport, Connecticut, made pies that were sold to many New England colleges. Hungry college students soon discovered that the empty pie tins could be tossed and caught, providing endless hours of game and sport.
A Frisbee from the ‘76 Democratic convention.
Many colleges have claimed to be the home of 'he who was first to fling.' Yale College has even argued that in 1820, a Yale undergraduate named Elihu Frisbie grabbed a passing collection tray from the chapel and flung it out into the campus, thereby becoming the true inventor of the Frisbie and winning glory for Yale. That tale is unlikely to be true since the words 'Frisbie's Pies' was embossed in all the original pie tins and from the word 'Frisbie' was coined the common name for the toy.
Frisbees remind me of the Republican party: Lightweight, logic as contorted as a no-look reverse-flick backhanded corkscrew air bounce, and the only thing keeping them aloft is spin.
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 13, 2012
CHEERS to doin' it Martian-style. NASA reports that the Mars Science Laboratory—aka that thing up in the sky goin' to Mars—has been firing its thrusters this week. In response, the American Family Association called for an immediate boycott of NASA for such disgusting behavior.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the Class of 2022.Hey, did you know that there's a National Aviation Hall of Fame? It's true, I looked it up! Members range from the Wright Brothers And last month they inducted five new members into their ranks. Happy to see that women outnumber men in this year's impressive class:
(The late) Willa Brown The first African American female to earn a pilot’s license in the U.S. first to run for Congress, first African American to become a Civil Air Patrol officer, and trainer of over 200 Tuskegee Airmen.
Sweet medal.
(The late) Joe Clark Founder of the blended winglet, which enhances the performance of airplanes by impacting sustainability in less fuel consumption, longer aircraft range, and reduced carbon emissions.
Margaret Hamilton Coined the term “Software Engineer” to describe her role in developing the in-flight systems software, and Priority Displays for the Apollo command module, lunar lander, and Skylab. Also perfected broomstick flight stability in her homeland of Oz. (Ha Ha Ha, not really, I just wrote that!)
Story Musgrave Pilot, physician, mechanic, and former NASA astronaut. Second astronaut to fly on six spaceflights, and only astronaut to fly aboard all five Space Shuttles.
(The late) Geraldine “Jerrie” Mock First woman to fly solo around the world, fly around the world as pilot in command, fly across two oceans, and first to fly across the Pacific in a single-engine plane.
You can see the lengthy list of enshrineeshere. They’re each given a plaque, a medal and, best of all, the knowledge that they have the know-how to spend some time off the surface of this fucking planet.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
