I never imagined when I started writing C&J 16 years ago that it would grow to be what it is today—a mental pressure-relief valve, a safe space free of pie fights where new Daily Kos readers can get their feet wet and, above all, a place where we can snork at the lunacy—political and otherwise—that swirls around us like a swarm of drunken, ill-mannered locusts wearing American-flag lapel pins.
Assuming I don’t get tossed in a cage by Stephen Miller’s goons, I promise to deliver more of the same in the coming twelve months. The snark, the Molly Ivins Moments, the puppy pics, the polls, the drunken posting of entire articles in violation of established copyright laws, the Wednesday Rapture Index (oh, yes...it’s coming, many people are saying), the free wash ‘n wax with any fill-up, and mixed-metaphoring my slow descent into madness ‘til the cows come home to roost.
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Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, January 28, 2020
Note: Today’s meeting of the deep state has been moved from 10am to 1pm because Pam is double-booked and her Pilates instructor says her (Pam’s) minivan will be set on fire if she shows up even a minute late. Also don’t forget we're using the auxiliary bunker until we can figure out how to get rid of the cat pee smell in the main one. (As if it needs to be said: bad Fluffy, bad.) —Chet
Size of the "Mountain of Evidence" the House Impeachment Managers Delivered to the Senate: 28,578 pages
Public approval of Trump's impeachment in the latest ABC News-WaPost poll: 52%
Public approval of Bill Clinton's impeachment at this time in 1998, per ABC News-WaPost polling: 40%
Percent chance that, overall, Sanders supporters dislike Biden and Warren more than Biden and Warren supports dislike Sanders, according to Politico-Morning Consult polling: 100%
Percent boost in consumer confidence after Trump and China signed whatever bullshit trade agreement they just signed, according to he same poll: 0%
BOOM! to the Sunday Night Massacre. Senate Republicans thought the impeachment trial of President Trump was over and done—all that remained was running out the clock and voting to acquit him in time for a triumphant State of the Union address. So they went to bed Sunday night with sugar plums and happy visions of eternal one-party rule dancing in their heads. And then, out of the fog and the mist appeared………………..their worst nightmare:
[T]he President ordered former national security adviser John Bolton to keep military aid to Ukraine frozen in a bid to coerce political favors.
Get it? Get it? Orange head in a vise? My graphics department goes the extra mile for you every time.
The revelation, first reported by the New York Times, heaped new pressure on a handful of Republican senators who may be interested in hearing testimony from Bolton and other witnesses in a process that could significantly delay Trump's hopes for a swift acquittal as soon as this week. […]
[A] draft manuscript for Bolton's yet-to-be published book reveals that he was told by Trump to maintain a hold on military aid until officials in Ukraine opened investigations into...Joe Biden.
So, have any other reporters had a chance to gaze upon the Holy Grail of bombshells besides the New York Times? Oh yes. One of the best. John Nichols at The Nation:
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Here’s my review of John Bolton’s book: Donald Trump did everything he was impeached for.He is as guilty as sin. #Bolton should testify before the Senate. Then, recognizing the clear and present danger posed by this president, the Senate should vote to remove Trump from office. pic.twitter.com/QpsOawIw37
What else is there to say? Happy year of the rat, everyone!
CHEERS to the tick tick tick of the countdown clock. Less than a week to go before Iowans and their sled dog teams trudge off into the frozen tundra to take their places in gymnasiums all across the state to choose the Democrat they want to be president. Here's a quick update on the candidates:
Sanders: "I'm leading in the polls!"
Biden: "Slow down, cowboy. You're tied in the polls. With me."
A reminder of what Iowa will look like one minute after the caucus winner is announced and all the candidates and media flee into New Hampshire’s loving arms.
Buttigieg: "You ever seen a gay candidate on the offensive? It looks like this: Meow Hisssss!!!"
Warren: Des Moines Register endorsement is in the bag!
Bloomberg: "I'm 100% for farms. Cubicle farms, that is! Ha ha ha."
John Delaney: "You Iowans better not have been pranking me when you said you'd vote for me if I ate 500 pounds of corn dogs in thirty days. Cuz I did.”
Andrew Yang: "Did you people not hear me? I said I WILL PAY YOU A THOUSAND BUCKS A MONTH. ONE….THOUSAND…CASH. Hello???"
Tulsi Gabbard: "How do you people…..urggnnnghh….pound in yard signs….arrghhrh….when your ground is frozen…urgghhrl…solid?!!"
And waiting in the wings to spring his trap and win it all in the upset of the millennium: Deez Nuts. Watch…and learn.
JEERS to premature descents. On January 28, 1986—good lord, 34 years ago—the Space Shuttle Challenger exploded 73 seconds after liftoff, killing all seven crew members, including civilian teacher Christa McAuliffe. I'm guessing that if you were more than toddler-age, you remember exactly where you were when you heard about it. I was in the Otterbein College (Westerville, Ohio) campus center at 11:38am, and can still conjure up the queasy feeling that set in when I realized what had happened. A stunned crowd of students and faculty gathered around the big-screen TV and just...watched. Lest we forget these were the heroes on board that day:
Teacher-in-Space Christa McAuliffe and astronauts Gregory Jarvis, Judith Resnik, Mission Commander Dick Scobee, astronaut Ronald McNair, pilot Mike Smith, and astronaut Ellison Onizuka.
Today folks from the Challenger Center and elsewhere, along with family members of the crew, will commemorate the tragedy, starkly reminding the world that it takes off-the-charts courage, brains and skill to put yourself through the rigors of space flight. Which pretty much explains why I blog for a living.
JEERS to creepy crawlies with evil on their minds. If you liked ebola, you'll looooove the coronavirus. Yes, folks, nature's microscopic stormtroopers are spreading disease, death and fear as they infect their way to infamy. Thankfully the Trump administration hasn’t gutted the CDC entirely, so they're actually on the case:
» There is an ongoing outbreak of respiratory illness first identified in Wuhan, China, caused by a novel (new) coronavirus.
There’s no evidence that drinking these will help fight off the coronavirus. But it might not hurt.
» Person-to-person spread is occurring. Other parts of China have also reported cases.
» Older adults and people with underlying health conditions may be at increased risk for severe disease.
» The situation is evolving. This notice will be updated as more information becomes available.
Coronaviruses are a large family of viruses. There are several known coronaviruses that infect people and usually only cause mild respiratory disease, such as the common cold. However, at least two previously identified coronaviruses have caused severe disease.
The most important thing, according to the CDC, is that “travelers avoid non-essential travel to Hubei Province, China, including Wuhan." In addition, C&J recommends that you duct-tape all of your neighbors' windows and doors so if they have the virus they can't spread it to you. Better seal their chimneys good and tight, too. Let's not take chances.
JEERS to Father Mailboxes Etc. Leave it to the merry band of perv priests to find new and creepy ways to torture kids in the name of Jeezus. This guy's taking the fast elevator downstairs when his ticker finally, blessedly, quits on him:
[Rev. Brian] Stanley was accused of wrapping a boy in bubble wrap and tape in 2013 in a janitor’s room at St. Margaret Church. The boy's eyes and mouth were also covered while he was left alone for an hour, according to the attorney general's office. Stanley was supposed to be counseling the boy.
That’s a pretty warped definition of counseling. He got 60 days in jail, which seems awful lenient to me. But at least, believe it or not, there may be a silver lining to this story. I think we just figured out how to update the priestly vestments around the world to identify the pervs: The ACME 100% Bubble Wrap God Girdle. Their slogan practically writes itself: "If you hear a pop…call a cop."
CHEERS to the first ringy-dingy. On January 28, 1878, the commercial telephone switchboard made its national debut in New Haven, Connecticut. The first customers were Amanda Hugginkiss, I.P. Freely and Seymour Butz. We hear the first operator lasted a whole five minutes.
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 28, 2010
CHEERS to royal attractions. This will be quite the spectacle: Queen Elizabeth will deliver an address to the United Nations General Assembly this summer. One small programming note: if Muammar Gadaffi isn't done with the speech he started delivering there last November, the Queen will speak from the 7th Floor break room.
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And just one more…
JEERS to broken promises. Remember when President Obama starting holding those really cool science fairs at the White House that allowed the whole world to see the ingenuity and creativity of America’s physicists, chemists, biologists, and engineers of tomorrow? Remember how excited everyone was three years ago when the Trump administration said they were absolutely, positively going to continue the tradition? Yeah, well, here’s something else for you to remember: they reneged on their promise—there was no White House science fair in 2017. Or 2018. Or 2019. (And there sure as hell won’t be one in 2020.) So, since we have no best-of footage from the last three years, enjoy this classic moment from 2012, when the White House was a true laboratory of democracy instead of a dark fortress of doom...
Monday Republican defense lawyers, finishing their opening arguments in the impeachment trial of Republican President Donald J. Trump, break the record for the number of times a legal team has ever blurted out "But her emails" in a single day.
Today is chocolate cake day. Chocolate has healthy properties. Be healthy—eat chocolate cake today. And every day. Even if it’s not Chocolate Cake Day. Which today it is, so alright!
Tuesday During the questions portion of the impeachment trial, Senator Marcia Blackburn demands to know where the sun goes at night.
Today is Data Privacy Day. Or as hackers call it: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Day.
Wednesday Today is Freethinkers Day, which celebrates those who believe that truth should be formed on the basis of logic, reason, and empiricism, rather than authority, tradition, or religion. Noted freethinkers include Thomas Paine, Albert Einstein, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, and anyone who has ever shouted, “The Fox News, it burns.”
During the impeachment trial, Senator James Lankford of Oklahoma burps and is sent to prison for the remainder of the trial, per the U.S. Constitution. No one complains.
Thursday The gross domestic product report is released. As usual, "the food at a Trump resort" tops the list.
Today is Dick Cheney's birthday. He turns 666. Again.
Friday Brexit officially goes into effect, severing the UK from the European Union it joined in 1973. But don’t worry, it'll be fine—when have conservatives ever steered a country wrong?
The latest consumer sentiment index is released. America's sentiment registers a downtick from "impetuous" to "goutish." (It's a weird index.)
Plus lots of the usual blah blah blah 'cause we never run out of that.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, January 27, 2020
Note: Can't get the cap off the maple syrup bottle? Try this: set your house on fire and then twist gently. The heat will warm the sticky syrup caught between the aluminum cap and the glass grooves and allow it to be gently loosened with your fingertips. Or try pliers. —Hugs, Heloise
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By the Numbers:
5 days!!!
Days 'til the Iowa Caulkus: 7
Days 'til the Groundhog Wine Trail Festival in Clearfield, Pennsylvania, which will end tragically with several inebriated participants frozen to the ground behind the Walmart Superstore in neighboring Plymptonville, their mouths agape in a silent scream that will forever haunt the memories of the stock boy who discovers them: 5
Percent of Americans polled by CNN who approve of how Trump is handling health care policy: 37%
Percent in the same poll who approve of how he's handling immigration policy: 42%
Year in which Kobe Bryant, who died in a helicopter crash yesterday at 41, scored 81 points in a single game against the Toronto Raptors: 2006
Age at which Kobe became the youngest NBA player to score 30,000 career points: 34
CHEERS to Lev'ing the playing field. President Trump has been swearing on Bibles for weeks now that—checking the transcript here, I want to get this right—"I don’t know [Lev Parnas]. He's sort of like a groupie. He shows up at fundraisers. So I don’t know anything about him." I guess he must've been swearing on those infamous "Mulligan Bibles" used by Franklin Graham and Jerry Falwell Jr., because it turns out that Trump seems to enjoy sharing vittles with Lev while barking orders to neutralize his opponents, like former U.S. Ambassador to Ukraine and corruption fighter Marie Yovanovich. I do love being able to say this: let's roll the tape…
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UPDATE: Listen to the audio reviewed by @ABC News that appears to capture a conversation between Lev Parnas and President Trump in 2018 about firing the U.S. ambassador to Ukraine. @jonkarl has the details and reaction coming in. https://t.co/8S51cey7KPpic.twitter.com/ClTNziGqzH
The bad news: our president lied. The badder news: it's your turn to tell the children.
JEERS to weekend whining. The impeachment trial of President Donald J. Trump continued Saturday. With the Democratic managers having rested their airtight case Friday night, it was time for Trump's team to defend the indefensible. After throwing up a little in their mouths, they took a deep breath and gave it their best:
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it; that does not make sense!
Jay Sekulow: hair on loan from Rudy Giuliani circa 1980.
Why would a Wookiee, an 8-foot-tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of 2-foot-tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: What does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me. I'm a lawyer defending the president, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca! Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests.”
I'm just kidding. That's from South Park. The actual Trump defense lawyers threw their poop at the walls and called for Joe Biden's head on a pike as Chief Justice John Roberts, knowing how this all ends, gave 'em the "wrap it up signal" so he could be home in time for the NHL All-Star game. The table pounding continues today. Expect tremors in your neighborhood registering 5-6 on the Grifter Scale.
JEERS to Germany's great shame. Today is International Holocaust Remembrance Day, coinciding with the 75th anniversary of the liberation of the Auschwitz and Birkenau Nazi death camps. With memories of World War II rapidly fading, and the Nazi movement once again eyeing world domination, survivors continue telling their stories with greater urgency:
A strip of skin tattooed with the Auschwitz death camp number 99288 sits in a silver frame on a shelf in Avraham Harshalom’s living room. It is his prisoner number, etched on to his forearm in 1943.
Liberated January 27, 1945.
Harshalom, 95, is very clear about why he kept it. “For history. To tell it to the next generations,” he said. […] More than a million people, nearly all of them Jews, died at Auschwitz, whose name has become synonymous with the industrial-scale killings carried out at the Nazi death camps. […]
Another Auschwitz survivor, Vera Grossman Kriegel, 81, said she was pained by the rise of anti-Semitism in recent years and feared that history might repeat itself. “It can happen anywhere,” she said. “Hate is born of ignorance. No one is learning from the past, no one wants to learn.”
We'll mark the occasion as we always do—by not joking about it.
P.S.
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As our delegation prepares to participate in the #WorldHolocaustForum in Israel today, we are grateful that our first stop on this visit was to Auschwitz-Birkenau where so many Jews, Poles and others perished. Never again. pic.twitter.com/4uFfK66VRi
CHEERS to hot tea and fresh drying ink. Mere days before this Friday's separation of the United Kingdom from the European Union—aka the biggest political and economic upheaval in the UK since World War II—British Prime Minister Boris Johnson announced that Brexit will, in fact, not be the no-deal kind, after the two sides signed an agreement last week:
The document, which runs to nearly 600 pages, includes agreements on citizens’ rights, the UK’s £33bn worth of financial obligations to the bloc and the Northern Ireland protocol, establishing the arrangements for maintaining an open border on the island of Ireland. […]
Rest easy, Britain. You have a pasty-faced, orange-haired, loudmouth buffoon at the helm.
Under the agreement, the UK will leave the EU at midnight central European time on 31 January. The UK will remain in the EU’s single market and customs union, but none of the decision-making bodies, until the end of 2020.
In a sign that Johnson and his Tories may not have read the document as completely as they should have, as of Friday Britain's national anthem changes from God Save the Queen to the theme from The Benny Hill Show. Very cheeky, EU.
CHEERS to the good times. On January 27, 1998, Democratic President Bill Clinton told the nation during his State of the Union address that the federal government would have a balanced budget in 1999...the first in 30 years. And then he callously left his Republican successor the back-breaking task of screwing it all up. And then his Democratic successor cleaned it all up. And now his Republican successor is screwing it all up. I'm sensing a pattern here.
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 27, 2010
CHEERS to the Biggest Story of the Millennium!!! Today Apple will unveil the "iPad" (expected price: $500) which is being described as an iPhone on steroids. Steve Jobs says that the device, whose primary purpose is to give Apple fans something to read while they stand in line waiting for version 2.0, is "The most important thing I've ever made." Responded his kids: "Gee, thanks."
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And just one more…
CHEERS to movin' and groovin'. Congrats to the winners last night at the Grammy Awards, including Michelle Obama—Woohoo!!!—for Best Spoken Word (“Becoming”), Dave Chappelle for Best Comedy Album (Sticks and Stones), Willie Nelson for best Solo Country Performance (Ride Me Back Home), best new artist Billie Eilish, Gloria Gaynor for Best Roots Gospel Album (My Testimony), and holy cow John Williams won his 25th Grammy (Best Instrumental Composition for his Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge theme park music) and now has to build a newer wing to his new wing for his awards shed. And, thanks to Best Metal Performer Tool, the world finally has its first Grammy-winning song with the words…
Blame it all on the bastards when you're blowing out
One of Jimmy Carter’s Grammys. He has 3.
Shame on you
Shame on you, now
No amount of wind could to begin to cover up your petulant stench and demeanor
Calm as cookies and cream, so it seems
Calm before the torrent comes, calm before the torrent comes, calm before the torrent comes
calm before the tempest comes to reign all over
Mark my words, DJs: That's got "wedding song" written all over it.
Have a tolerable Monday. Please don’t forget to watch all the impeachment coverage and report back to me today so I can plagiarize your notes for my Pulitzer-winning column tomorrow. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
“I’ve known Bill in Portland Maine since he was a newly-appointed diarist here in Daily Kos. Then he became a front-pager, and we all lived with him when he was the most magnificent kiddie pool splasher on earth. To see him kind of deteriorate right before your very eyes…”
Late Night Snark: The Pettifoggery Stops Here Edition
"It is a pivotal day in the history of the republic. Soon we’ll find out if breaking the law is illegal. Gotta say, so far I don’t like the odds."
—Stephen Colbert
“President Trump’s campaign manager last night dismissed the coverage of the impeachment trial, saying 'It's like watching paint dry.' Y'know, like you do sometimes after you cover something up."
—Seth Meyers
“Does this mean Pelosi is President now?”
—Stephen Colbert
"Democrats have a clear strategy in place. They believe that if they talk long enough, Mitch McConnell will eventually die of old age and they'll have a shot at a real trial, which this is not."
—Jimmy Kimmel
"The rules state that during the trial senators are not allowed to drink anything but water and milk. Or as Mitt Romney calls it: a full bar."
—Conan O'Brien
"Look, guys, we know you're going to acquit Trump, but do you really think that'll be the end? You think there won’t be any more accomplices who snitch on Trump to protect themselves, or any more journalists who dig up proof of his guilt? Even if Trump is reelected, this Ukraine story will haunt him 'til the blessed day when he's forcibly plunged out of the White House like a toilet clog."
—Samantha Bee
Come on down and splash. Sure, you may regret it soon and for the rest of your life, but dammit you took a risk and that counts for something. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 24, 2020
Note: This blog may be monitored for quality-assurance purposes. We're also monitoring your fridge. Don't eat the summer sausage.
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By the Numbers:
7 days ‘til munch munch munch.
Days 'til the Iowa caucus which, due to budget cuts, will take place entirely in the gymnasium at Evans Middle School in Ottumwa: 10
CHEERS to good omens. When mini-Trump Paul LePage became governor of Maine, the flowers died, the children cried, and darkness descended upon the land. For the next eight years, LePage and his cabinet of incompetents bullied, blundered and bullshitted our state to laughingstock status across the country. "The Mississippi of New England," they called us. But last year we righted our wrong by electing a progressive Democrat—a woman with ladyparts!—who brought maturity and civility back to our fair land. Still, we needed a sign that things had been set right, and that the fates had welcomed Maine back into the union of sane states. This week, praise Jesus, we got it. Oh, boy, did we:
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I had to make my first trip to Maine the moment I started reading Elizabeth Strout’s “Olive, Again.†So for our @oprahsbookclub discussion, I took some book club members there to discuss the book and have some good ol’ lobster rolls 🦞📚#ReadWithUspic.twitter.com/7bpfrr8gpj
There was much rejoicing. And we have a pretty good feeling that the flowers are going to bloom again this spring.
JEERS to the gallery of rogues. It can't be said enough how brilliantly the Democratic impeachment managers have presented an airtight, open-and-shut case against President Trump for abusing his power and obstructing justice. The facts are clear and overwhelming. The president's sinister, un-American plot to enlist Ukraine's help to rig the 2020 election with your taxpayer dollars is plain for all to see. And after feeling the cascade of evidence rain down on them like God's tears after watching the Patriots lose to the Titans, C&J asked some of the presumably-gobsmacked Republican senators to describe the experience that has surely changed their minds in favor of conviction:
"Have you ever played with a fidget spinner? Omigod they are so amazing how they go 'round and 'round and such."
We can dream.
"I finally got around to reading Beach Music by Pat Conroy. It's a page-turner."
"Look—I drew a pitchure of dogs playing with a bone."
"There's a water stain on the ceiling. Someone should call maintenance."
“Church...steeple...open the doors...see all the people! They’re my fingers, see?”
"I love lamp!"
“Og.”
A republic. If we can keep it.
JEERS to little misunderstandings. On tomorrow’s date in 1995, the Norwegians fired a scientific rocket called a Black Brant XII into the air, and the Russians thought it might actually be an American Trident missile launched from a sub. What happened next was so hilarious…
As a result, fearing a high altitude nuclear attack that could blind Russian radar, Russian nuclear forces were put on high alert...and the nuclear weapons command suitcase was brought to Russian president Boris Yeltsin.
[He] then had to decide whether or not to launch a retaliatory nuclear strike against the United States.
The Norwegian rocket incident was the first and only incident where any nuclear weapons state had its nuclear briefcase activated and prepared for launching an attack.
How lucky was the world on January 25, 1995? Let me put it this way: the incident happened on the one day of his presidency when Boris Yeltsin wasn't drunk. That lucky.
CHEERS to second chances. If 2020 hasn't gotten off to a good enough start for ya, here's your opportunity for a do-over. Tomorrow marks the start of the Chinese New Year. Specifically, the year of the rat:
Positives: Rats are quick-witted, resourceful, and smart but lack courage. With rich imaginations and sharp observations, they can take advantage of various opportunities well.
Negatives: Due to a lack of courage, as well as good command skills, they are not capable of being leaders. Opportunistic and picky as male Rats are, they do not have broad minds but take a narrow view of things.
Most Compatible with: Dragon, Rabbit, Ox.
I checked and, amazingly, Mitch McConnell is not a rat. He was born in 1942, which makes him a part of the horse family. Guess which part?
CHEERS to old soldiers. Sunday is General Douglas MacArthur's 140th birthday. After destroying the Japanese forces during World War II, he gained their respect as Military Governor of Japan, but then he became too much of a loose cannon over Korea and got fired by President Harry Truman. Afterward...
There was an unsuccessful attempt by Republicans to have him run for President in 1952, but he deferred, and the nomination went to General of the Army Dwight D. Eisenhower.
Colonel, make a note to court-martial whoever put this ocean here. My pants are ruined!
After retirement, he became Chairman of the Board for the Remington Rand Corporation, and spent his remaining years in NYC, speaking out on public issues.
His final address, in January 1962, to the graduating class at West Point is considered one of his finest speeches.
Pay your respects here. In his farewell address to Congress, MacArthur said that old soldiers never die, they just fade away. Thanks to the size of his ego, he'll finish fading sometime during the next ice age.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Very disappointed that our weekly roundup of what’s on the weekend TV schedule failed to win a single Oscar nomination. But we muddle on anyway, bruised ego and all.
(Rooting for Michelle, but won’t complain if John Waters wins.)
After MSNBC’s Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow finish taking their salad-tossing tongs to the Friday news dumps (assuming the impeachment trial is done for the day), Bill Maher talks with Megyn Kelly, Alex Wagner, Ingrid Newkirk, Ambassador Michael McFaul, and right-wing asshole Erick Erickson (RedState). New home video releases include the Jay & Silent Bob reboot that didn’t get horrible reviews, and Antonio Banderas' Oscar-nominated turn in Pain and Glory. The NBA schedule is here. The NHL All-Star Game, sponsored by the American Dental Association, is tomorrow night at 8 on NBC. And the NFL Pro Bowl between the AFC and NFC is Sunday afternoon on ABC.
Adam Driver hosts SNL. Sunday night John Williams will win his 429th Grammy Award (just kidding—actually it’s only his 230th) and Michelle Obama will likely win her first Best Spoken Word Grammy Award at the—[checks notes]—Grammy Awards on CBS. And if you're in the mood for some real unfiltered jerkitude, there's a new episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm Sunday night on HBO. And as for the you-know-who impeachment trial this weekend…
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If anyone's wondering if Senators are expecting a long, late night impeachment trial session on Saturday (Day 1 of the WH arguments), @amyklobuchar just added a 9pm event for Saturday in IOWA.
Meet the Press: Lead impeachment manager Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA); Sens. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) and Mike Braun (R-Moscow).
If you missed the impeachment trial, Joy Reid (seen here at Netroots Nation last summer with some sexy idiot who escaped from Maine in a stylish Daily Kos shirt) will have all the excellent highlights tomorrow morning on MSNBC.
This Week: Trump impeachment trial lawyer Robert Ray (R-Moscow).
Face the Nation: Impeachment trial manager Rep. Jason Crow (D-CO); Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Moscow); “A Stable Genius” co-author Phil Rucker; new CBS News 2020 polling results.
CNN's State of the Union: Impeachment trial manager Rep. Zoe Lofgren (D-CA); Robert Ray
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Andrew Yang and Alan Dershowitz. (Hopefully on Harleys in a giant ball-shaped steel cage with maces.)
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 24, 2010
JEERS to turbulence. Saddled with over $26 billion in debt, Japan Airlines has filed for bankruptcy protection. Among other painful actions, some of their routes will be discontinued. A company spokesperson says everyone should remain calm. Passengers planning to fly those routes will be issued refunds, and those currently in flight will be given a courtesy parachute and a complimentary beverage.
Happy Australia Day 2020. (It’s Saturday over there by now, right?) Boy, we're pulling for you to come through these bush fires with your sanity intact. Hang in there, and give a koala a hug for us. But our usual warning still stands: if you come near me with anything resembling vegemite, I'm calling in Seal Team 6.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
All I can say is, thank god for NASA. While the rest of the government flies off the rails in a Republican-fueled orgy of incompetence and Russia-approved chaos, NASA just keeps expanding our horizons and serving as our greatest ambassadors of curiosity, scientific advancement, and seemingly-effortless teamwork on a global scale. When the political shit gets too deep, you can always pop over to their web site to simultaneously lower your blood pressure and juice up your endorphins.
On their slate for July is the launch of a shiny new Mars rover, which will have a lot on its titanium plate when it touches down seven months later:
When the rover lands on the Red Planet in February 2021, it will touch down in Jezero Crater, the site of a lake that existed 3.5 billion years ago…where it will search for signs of ancient life, including mineral deposits and perhaps even microscopic fossils.
NASA outfitted the extension arm with gyroscope technology so it won’t spill its daiquiri.
[T]he new rover will also be on a mission to lay the groundwork for future human exploration by testing out instruments that will use ground-penetrating radar for the first time, study weather science and convert carbon dioxide to oxygen.
The rover is unnamed at the moment, but an ongoing contest has whittled the suggestions down from 28,000 to nine. The whole world is voting online here to influence the final decision, but I think the Daily Kos community needs to weigh in on its own. Personally, my choice would've been "Squirrel!" Mainly just to hear the commentators say it like that. ("And we have liftoff of the Falcon rocket containing the Mars rover…Squirrel!") But I never get my way so bleh meh feh life is so unfair.
Go vote and I'll pass along the results to NASA for further study, along with my plan to lure Louie Gohmert into a Dragon capsule with a trail of pork rinds.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, January 23, 2020
Note: January is Bath Safety Month. It’s your duty as an American citizen to follow the #1 bath safety rule: keep a loaded firearm hidden under your bubbles at all times. (And don’t forget to scrub behind those ears, patriots. There could be secret Antifa hiding back there.)
Current price tag of President Trump's border wall: $11 billion
What that amounts to per mile, making it the most expensive wall in the world: $20 million
Number of paid subscribers Netflix has at the moment: 167 million
Minimum number of songs Dolly Parton has composed: 3,000
Number of singles she's charted: 110
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
The Lord Impersonator is back again. This fella reappears every couple of years and causes no end of trouble. The jokester goes around persuading feeble-minded persons he is the Lord Almighty and that they are to do or say some perfectly idiotic thing under his instructions. […]
Quite a few people have been mishearing the Lord lately. The Rev. Pat Robertson thinks the Lord told the people of Dover, Pennsylvania they shouldn’t ask for His help anymore because they elected a school board Pat doesn’t like. And Rep. Richard Baker of Louisiana said right after Hurricane Katrina that “We finally cleaned up public housing in New Orleans. We couldn’t do it, but God did it.”
I kind of doubt Katrina was designed by the Lord as a form of urban renewal. I think it’s a big mistake for us to go around putting our own puny interpretations on stuff that happens and then claiming the Lord meant thus-and-such by it. In my humble opinion some folks should do a lot more listening to God and a lot less talking for Him.
CHEERS to Day 2. Wow, what a presentation. The Democratic impeachment managers cracked open a can of cold, fact-based whupass yesterday during their opening arguments in the trial of President Donald J. Trump. It was brutal. Hour after hour of broadsides fired directly at Individual-1 and his corrupt administration, mercilessly raking the sides of his tattered criminal enterprise until they… okay okay, you got me again, I didn’t watch any of it except part of Adam Schiff's opening remarks. I'm sorry!!! But if it's any consolation, I did watch this 4-minute summary by Joe Biden's rapid-response director Andrew Bates 75 times, and I don't care what anybody says that counts the same. Does too! Does too!
— Team (have you made calls to Iowa this week?) Joe (@TeamJoe) January 21, 2020
Thursday's agenda brings a bit of hallowed tradition with it. Per the Constitution, Day 3's proceedings will briefly pause at exactly 4:20 so the senators can line up and take a ceremonial hit off Ben Franklin's bong. Moments later, Lindsey Graham will crack his first smile in 20 years.
CHEERS to a very gay day. Sometimes the LGBT community goes through frustrating dry patches where our rights either march in place or slip backward, and sometimes the moral arc of the universe does that cool bending-towards-justice thing it does. That was the case yesterday, when three states advanced the notion that equality works best when it's got some legal teeth behind it:
New Jersey becomes the ninth state to ban the "gay/trans panic defense," in which defendants claim they're so traumatized by a person's sexual orientation or gender identity that they temporarily go craaaaaazy and have no choice but to commit assault.
This year marks the 50th anniversary of the first gay pride march in New York City.
Virginia finally has DEMOCRATS in charge of the government, which means the GOP can no longer stand athwart history yelling "Stop!” So on Tuesday, conversion therapy—in which psychological torture is used to try and change sexual orientation from gay to straight—was outlawed...the still-on-the-books ban on gay marriage was officially repealed...protections for trans students were passed...and gender-neutral language was approved for various legal documents. And you know what? The Virginia LGBT community didn’t have to strut around threatening lawmakers with assault weapons to make it happen.
Utah should not be on this list…but it is! The home of the Mormon church passed—with their blessing, no less—a ban on conversion therapy first sponsored by a Republican. Sure, there's a religious loophole, but it's still a sizable step forward.
And what was the Trump White House doing to acknowledge the LGBT community yesterday? Livestreaming an event attended by the Vice President Mike Pence during which gays and lesbians were said to be created by demons. I don’t know if that's true or not, but I hope Pence lets us all know when he gets down there.
CHEERS to today's edition of Then vs. Now: Martin Luther King Day in Maine Edition. My, what a difference a change in leadership makes. Janet Mills marked her first year in office this week, and our state has never been happier or less on-edge. See if you can detect a hint of a reason why:
Then (2011) [Republican] Gov. Paul LePage’s comment Friday that the NAACP can “kiss my butt” outraged leaders of state and national civil rights groups, who called his remarks “astonishing” and “troubling.” After meeting with business leaders in Sanford, LePage told WCSH-TV that he will not attend Martin Luther King Jr. Day events in Portland and Orono because he considers the group a special interest.
vs.
Now (2020) [Democratic] Gov. Janet Mills, U.S. Rep. Jared Golden, Secretary of State Matt Dunlap and some Bangor city officials were also among the dozens who attended the event organized by the Greater Bangor Area NAACP and the University of Maine. Mills emphasized the importance of accepting and welcoming people from across the country and world to Maine. … “We need to be more accepting of people who don’t look like us, who don’t come from the same city, town, state or country.”
This has been today's edition of Then vs. Now: Martin Luther King Day in Maine Edition.
CHEERS to timely retro-advice. Twenty-four years ago today—oh, this is so cute—Bill Clinton delivered a State of the union speech in which he told Republicans that they had to pinky-swear…
"...never, ever shut the federal government down again.
He went gray early. I wonder what causes that. (Hint: Keep reading!)
On behalf of all Americans, especially those who need their Social Security payments at the beginning of March, I also challenge the Congress to preserve the full faith and credit of the United States—to honor the obligations of this great nation as we have for 220 years; to rise above partisanship and pass a straightforward extension of the debt limit and show people America keeps its word."
Read that out loud to a Republican on the hill. They'll stand there all day waiting for the rimshot.
CHEERS to hair-raising discoveries. A new study reveals that, if you want your hair to turn gray faster, just expose yourself to stress. It’s a major factor, unsurprisingly, in why some people get gray hair sooner than others:
Ya-Chieh Hsu, a stem cell biologist, found that stress causes nerves involved in the fight-or-flight response to pump out a hormone which wipes out the stem cells used to make hair pigments.
#44 wears it well.
Because stress can be considered a form of accelerated ageing, the discovery has raised hopes for treatments that can slow down or even halt normal age-related greying.
More importantly, it could shed light on how ageing depletes stem cells throughout the body, and perhaps point the way to general anti-ageing therapies.
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Meanwhile, if you want your hair to turn a grotesque, unnatural shade of orange that defies the laws of physics and scares animals and children equally, the scientists recommend you become the world's biggest asshole.
CHEERS to the suds of our lives. 85 years ago this week, canned beer made its debut in Richmond, Virginia:
In partnership with the American Can Company, the Gottfried Krueger Brewing Company delivered 2,000 cans of Krueger's Finest Beer and Krueger's Cream Aleto faithful Krueger drinkers in Richmond, Virginia. Ninety-one percent of the drinkers approved of the canned beer, driving Krueger to give the green light to further production.
Why did they feel the need to can beer? Much easier to hide in your cubicle than a keg.
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 23, 2010
JEERS to another silly flameout. More Democratic Backdown'ism for your enjoyment: the highly-qualified nominee for TSA chief withdrew his name because Republicans said "Boo!" How pathetic. So now the White House will submit another name...and the Republicans will immediately attack him or her and put another hold on the nomination (added to the other bazillion holds they've got going on now) until that person withdraws for having poorly-manicured cuticles or some such nonsense. The only upside to this crapola is the fact that it's made me so mad I need to go calm down with a massive and soothing piece of carrot cake. Maybe two. (I'm really riled.)
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And just one more…
CHEERS to feud food. Today is the high holy day at Daily Kos. Yes…it's National Pie Day. Let us enter the arena:
...a reminder from The Daily Show that the defendant—mercifully starting his fourth and last year in office this week—should’ve been 25th Amendmented a long time ago and then encased in rubber walls...
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, January 22, 2020
Note: Surprise! It's random drug testing day. Choose a random drug and quiz it on the events leading up to Shay’s Rebellion. This will count as one-third of its final grade.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Chinese New Year (of the rat): 3
4 days!!!
Days ‘til the annual Low Country Oyster Festival in Charleston, South Carolina, starring 80,000 pounds of shucked oysters: 4
Estimated number of lies Trump has told in his first three years as president, according to official lie tracker Daniel Dale: 16,241
Percent of black Americans who believe Trump is racist, according to a new Ipsos-Washington Post poll: 83%
Percent of Americans in a new CNN poll who believe that Trump abused his power: 58%
Number of billionaires in the world who own as much wealth as the poorest half of the world: 162
JEERS to the worst episode of Perry Mason ever. Well, I guess things kinda sorta resembled a trial yesterday in the Senate, inasmuch as there were opening arguments. The Democratic trial managers, of course, were cool, calm, and prepared as they put each puzzle piece in exactly the right place, creating a picture of….. okay okay I admit it I didn’t watch any of it except about a minute when a Trump lawyer told so many lies so fast that I ran out of "fuck yous" and out of concern for my arteries that were threatening to burst like an overtaxed relief valve on a nuclear submarine had to turn the TV off. I'm sorry!!! But in my defense, I did break this across the newswires:
x
Shhhh. Presiding Judge Roberts just entered REM stage. He's having that dream where he heroically rides a snuffalufagus to rescue the White House portraits during the War of 1812.Expect him to wake up cranky when he realizes Dolley Madison beat him to it.
On today’s agenda: more arguments pro and con, a vote to open a window fails, the bailiff gets crushed by an easel, and REM-stage Roberts hopes he has better luck charging up San Juan Hill.
CHEERS to a quiet little verdict that people hardly ever mention anymore. Roe v. Wade turns 47 today. Pro-choice advocates will mark the occasion with events to remind Americans that women should be in control of their own bodies and that health care decisions should be between them and their doctor, not them and their nearest right-wing legislature.
By a huge margin, Americans do NOT want the constitutional right to an abortion taken away.
Anti-choice advocates will mark the occasion by reminding Americans that microscopic bits of blastocyst matter are people too, with full rights including voting and marriage (as long as they're not gay). And the five conservative justices on the Supreme Court will, as usual, mark the occasion by licking their chops.
CHEERS to more tick-tock to lock in your doc. A quick heads-up: if you live in California, New York, Massachusetts, or D.C. you still have time to sign up for Affordable Care Act coverage. Charles Gaba (aka brainwrap here at Daily Kos) has the details here at his invaluable ACA Signups site. It's been awhile since we took a peek at the overall 2020 enrollment picture, and I'm happy to see that the nonstop campaign of Republican sabotage hasn't been able to smother the popularity of President Obama's signature achievement:
Approximately 8.3 million people selected or were automatically re-enrolled in plans using the HealthCare.gov platform during the 2020 open enrollment period.
HC.gov ends the 2020 Open Enrollment Period down just 1.5% from last year...and it's actually just 0.5% when you take into account Nevada splitting off onto their own state-based exchange.
It's also worth noting that in the end, renewing enrollees dropped by 2.2% year over year (139,000 people), but new enrollees actually increased by 0.7% (14,000 people).
And keep in mind this is the second year without the mandate to be insured. (A key provision of the ACA that was stupidly struck down by Republicans last year as part of their daylight robbery of the middle class posing as a tax cut.) So once again, the American people, along with a slew of state governments, have proven that access to affordable, non-employer-based health insurance is very important. Meanwhile, we note here that the head of the Trump crime family is due for his annual physical this month. Here's a reminder of how last year's went:
This year's result will likely be similar but with one notable difference: that brain turd is no longer smiling.
P.S. The 159,000-doctor-strong American College of Physicians came out this week and told Washington to get off its ass and guarantee insurance for all Americans via Medicare for All or a strong public option. Said the House: "We'll get right on it!" Said the Senate: "We won't get right on it!" Said the president: "I like cheeseburgers!"
CHEERS to contingency plans. The Abbreviated Pundit Roundups here on the front page have been a bit spotty as of late—a temporary situation, I'm sure. But just in case one didn’t appear this morning, here's a placeholder that will hold off your withdrawal symptoms (nervousness, spotty vision, sweat dripping down the forehead, arms, legs, back, and buttocks into a little catch basin hastily fashioned out of bits of tin and twisty-ties) until tomorrow morning:
Pundit A: This sucks.
Pundit B: Pundit A is overreacting.
Pundit C: Pundit A and Pundit B should stop the partisan bickering and come together to forge a moderate path that will bring us all together.
Pundit D: Pundit C needs to put down the crack pipe.
Pundit E: TRUMP MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN KEEP AMERICA GREAT BUILD THE WALL OWN THE LIBS!!!!!!!
Pundit F: Time to revisit the Laffer Curve? Some say yes. Here’s why they’re wrong...and right!
Pundit G: In the Applebee’s salad bar of life we’re all just croutons under the thumb of Big Bacon Bits.
Happy to be of service. Oh, and your catch basin is leaking.
JEERS to moguls among the moguls. I know what you're saying.You're saying, "Hey Billeh, I read yesterday that the World Economic Forum in Davos was happening. Do you know anything about this consequential world event?" Oh…you mean the confab in swanky Switzerland where the perfectly manicured, pedicured, furriered, botoxed and mansculpted ultra-rich fly in on their private jets and, after finishing their champagne and zipping their flies, get whisked in limos to the Ritz, gorge on gourmet food, drink $500 bottles of wine out of ladies' shoes, shuss the slopes in $10,000 designer skiwear, party the night away with the finest prostitutes money can buy, and make back-slapping backroom deals that bulldoze more money into their off-the-books Caribbean accounts, all while pretending to care about the climate crisis and the poor, but unbeknownst to them jewel thieves wearing black turtlenecks are in their suites right now breaking into their safes? That World Economic Forum in Davos? Sorry. Never heard of it.
JEERS to a stain on America’s soul that we just can’t seem to scrub out. Eleven years ago, newly-minted president Barack Obama signed an order that was intended to close the prison at Guantanamo within a year:
"The orders that I signed today should send an unmistakable signal that our actions in defense of liberty will be just as our cause and that we, the people, will uphold our fundamental values as vigilantly as we protect our security.
Still open for business.
Once again, America’s moral example must be the bedrock and the beacon of our global leadership."
A bunch of cowards in Congress and state houses—Republicans and Democrats, to our party’s great shame—got the vapors and said no, America isn't smart enough or strong enough to handle those detainees ON AMERICAN SOIL!!! So, 11 years later, Gitmo is still open for business, and the president can still have American citizens arrested without probable cause and black-helicoptered there, too, if he chooses. Memo to DHS: if I'm on your list, I'd like my steak medium, please. Light on the tater tots, extra broccoli, A1 sauce on the side in a little silver cup...and yes, I would like to see the dessert menu.
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 22, 2010
JEERS to John Q. Corporation: Super Citizen!!! Yesterday five activist judges on the Supreme Court delivered their verdict on democracy: "Tear it down. Tear it all down." I will now demonstrate, via a one-act play that I'm this close to opening on Broadway, how government runs now:
[Curtain rises on a Congressman's office. A neatly-dressed corporate lobbyist enters:]
Lobbyist: Good morning, Congressman Lockstep. As a representative of BastardCorp, I'm authorized to give two million dollars to your re-election campaign as long as you promise to cast your vote to abolish the 40-hour workweek, kill Social Security, and let our CEO nibble prawns off your chest on weekends. Deal?
Congressman Lockstep: And if I don't?
Lobbyist: If you don't, we'll give two billion dollars to your opponent and you'll be lucky to get hired as a grocery bagger.
Congressman Lockstep: Have a seat, friend. Coffee?
Lobbyist: Oh, no! That would constitute a gift and violate House ethics rules. Silly boy—you're so cute when you're clueless.
[Curtain down]
I'm thinking Nathan Lane and Frank Langella star, music by Phillip Glass, and blocking by Twyla Tharpe. And if Neil Patrick Harris ends up being the one who hands me my Tony, I'm gonna freak! [1/22/20 Update: Neil Patrick Harris didn’t end up handing me a Tony that year. It was James Earl Jones. For the record, I thanked you all first.]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the triumphant return of the giant round swirling ice thingy that’s giving our ducks merry-go-round rides. The scientist-stumper that formed last year in the Presumpscot River over in the Maine community of Westbrook was a national sensation and, we would add, a boon to the local economy. Now everyone’s gone all slack-jawed again, because it appears to have returned. It still looks a little jagged, but it's early:
According to researchers with clipboards and stopwatches, “temperature changes in the water below a small ice disk could be the source of some of the rotational force. When the water cools to 39.2 degrees, it begins to sink and creates a vortex in the water, producing a small force that spins the ice.” Or, going by Occam’s Hatchet, where the simplest explanation is usually the right one: it’s Satan.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"F*ck You!" Bill in Portland Maine Heckled Live in Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool
