Fox News has more important things to cover than pandemics and fires—where important means ‘silly’

On Wednesday—as the pandemic approaches 195,000 victims in the United States, the Department of Justice (DOJ) goes all in on defending Trump against allegations of rape, and California firefighters are dealing with the states’ second, third, and fourth largest fires all at the same time—Fox News has decided to spend the morning giving extensive coverage to a much more vital, serious story. Donald Trump … has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

Yes, that’s a real thing. Trump was totally nominated for the prize by a single far-right member of the Norwegian parliament—the same anti-immigration member who nominated Trump for the same prize in 2018. It’s not clear exactly what Trump has done to warrant this honor, but there’s a considerable list of possibilities. 

For example: Since Trump broke the nuclear treaty with Iran and did everything possible to make it impossible for anyone else to follow the extensive regime of inspections and limitations that assured Iran could not build a nuclear weapon, Iran’s stockpile of enhanced uranium has now grown to 10 times the limit allowed under that treaty. And that’s just one of several reasons why Trump really has had an enormous impact on world peace.

In addition to setting Iran up to be the next nuclear power, Trump could collect a prize for his handling of nuclear weapons in North Korea. Because after exchanges of cake and birthday cards, receiving beautiful notes, stamping out thousands of genuinely hideous commemorative coins, and falling into mutual authoritarian love, the number of nuclear weapons controlled by Kim Jong-un is up to somewhere between 30 and 40; the isolated dictatorship has conducted a expanded program of missile launches; and Kim maintains large stockpiles of both chemical and biological weapons. Trump’s entire outreach to North Korea appears to have resulted in an expanded travel schedule for Kim and excuses for other countries to ignore international sanctions. That’s certainly worth a No Prize.

Or perhaps Donald Trump was nominated for one of his truly outstanding international moments: The abandoning of America’s Kurdish allies. Trump pulled out the small number of U.S. forces helping to maintain order along the border between Syria and Turkey, not only allowing Kurdish fighters who had long sided with the U.S. to be trampled on by a one-two-three dictator punch of Bashar al-Assad, Recep Erdoğan, and Vladimir Putin—he also paved the way for a resurgence of ISIS, created a chaotic power vacuum ripe for creating new terrorist groups, and permanently damaged both the reputation and power of the United States. A big No Prize for that one.

Or Trump could be up for getting that big lump of gold in exchange for his sterling work in selling the bombs that are blowing up civilians in Yemen. Trump’s first out-of-the-U.S. visit was a stop with Mohammed bin Salman in Saudi Arabia, where Trump talked up the big heap o’ arms that he was selling the kingdom. Since then, Trump has defended the Saudis’ right to dictate to other nations in the region, including tweeting his wholehearted support of conducting a long-running blockade of a U.S. ally for the crime of having a free press. Trump also hasn’t let little things like the kidnapping, torture, dismemberment, and murder of a U.S. journalist get in the way of his ability to provide the bombs that are blowing up wedding tents, and hospitals, and fishing boats, and school buses, and homes, and … Quick, bring out the No Prize.

Of course, it’s hard to consider Trump’s achievements in international peace without looking at the one that has already earned him a major award: extorting the leader of Ukraine with threats to withhold U.S. military assistance unless Trump was provided with lies he could use against Joe Biden. That one earned Trump an impeachment. (If there was no medal, I would personally like to offer Trump a commemorative plaque celebrating this achievement.) The result of this action wasn’t just the immediate harm it did to Ukraine, or making the United States seem even more ridiculous. It also gave Russia a long-lasting power boost in the region and helped assure that NATO would not expand eastward. Give him all the No Prizes!

Speaking of NATO, Trump’s really outstanding achievement award might be in how much he’s weakened the military and economic relationship with Europe that has prevented World War III since World War II. Every member of the NATO alliance provided forces to assist the United States when it went into Afghanistan, and many of them suffered substantial losses. Trump has made sure that will never happen again by constantly attacking allies and turning the United States into a laughingstock. No Prize for that. 

Trump can have an auxiliary No Prize for how he’s damaged the relationships between the United States and South Korea, and the United States and Japan. But his biggest No Prize of all might be how Trump has so mishandled the relationship with China that he’s generated what’s being described as Cold War II. Having surrendered any claim to the defense of human rights, the United States is now completely ineffective at addressing genuine moments of oppression and genocide. And because Trump has been utterly ineffective at anything other than alienating allies, China has been emboldened to move faster, both internally and externally, to confront the U.S. and make its own demands on the world.

But if Trump is up for the big prize for his unmatched ability to generate worldwide conflict and destabilize the planet as it faces twin crises over the coronavirus and climate, he’s in good company

Adolf Hitler was nominated once in 1939. As unlikely as it may seem today, Adolf Hitler was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize in 1939 by a member of the Swedish parliament.

Hello, history, are you rhyming again?